J
JacobOfEsthar
Guest
Warning, some of this is graphic, since it does involve sexual issues. But given that this is a forum for marriage related issues, I thought this was the most appropriate place. I desperately need help.
My fiance and I are getting married in about a month, and we have recently started talking about sex in our married life. It has been our primary source of conflict in the past month. I have a very high sex drive even for a guy, and I'm worried that she won't be able to keep up with me, and that it will end in divorce. Her own sister is urging her not to marry me at this point, saying that I will simply just cheat on her after we are married (not true, in fact to this day I am a virgin!!). Her sister claims that once a month is normal. I take issue with this because her husband has discretely confided in me about his wife's lack of sex drive (and the poor guy, while not a virgin when he met her, was a gentleman and never pressured her to have sex with him before they were married, and yet here they are after they are married and he waited for her, and he still doesn't get any)... Also her sister and her husband have been trying to have a child for nearly four years without any success, and they have both been complaining about it for years. During one of my fights with my fiance, I foolishly pointed out that maybe it's their own fault that they don't have children, given that they almost never have sex (her sister thinks once a month is normal, after all!).
This is actually a very complicated situation, but that's the gist of it. I'm going to elaborate below.
I have had a very long struggle with my sexuality and my Christian faith. I have been a believer since I was eight years old, and I am now 27. Before I even knew what sex was (must have been about nine) and still thought girls had cooties, I began masturbating. I didn't know what I was doing, just that it felt good and relieved pressure in my genital areas. My parents caught me one time when I was 11 or so and scolded me harshly and gave me a lecture on how masturbation is wrong. As I got to about age 12, my sex drive increased to a point where if I did not get a release, I could not sleep or concentrate. If I went more than a day or so, I would start to feel physical pain in my genital area and would feel feverish and nauseous. After I got my release I would feel fine. I got my release at least twice a day every day up until about age 14 when during a youth retreat they talked about sexual issues, during which they mentioned how masturbation is a sin. After that retreat, my relationship with God and my life in general took a nose dive. I tried to refrain from masturbating, but like I mentioned previously, it made my life completely miserable. I could not sleep, I could not eat much, I could not concentrate in school, and I would have horrible pains in my groin area along with the nausea. I wondered if I had done something wrong and God was punishing me. If I did touch, I felt horrible guilt. If I didn't, I felt physically ill and endured sexual pain. I seriously considered removing my own testicles just to be free from the misery that my sex drive brought me. Any fellow believer I discussed about this simply told me masturbation was a sin, and that I just lacked self control, and that I should just get married young. Ironically, both people who told me to get married young to avoid sexual sin themselves ended up marrying very young (18 or 19), and both ended up getting divorced. Rushing into marriage to avoid "sexual sin" is a terrible idea, and is one reason why so many Christians end up getting divorced.
One night at about four in the morning, after not being able to sleep all night due to trying to be pure and abstaining from masturbating, I finally gave up, did the deed, and quickly passed out afterwards. I decided that I would just give up trying to be pure since it was apparently impossible. Up until that point until a critical moment when a doctor literally saved my life when I was 16, I completely turned my back on the Lord. I would touch 4-5 times a day and became completely addicted to inappropriate contentography. Well anyways I saw a doctor when I was 16, and I told him about my sexual woes. He told me that I did not have any sort of sexual disorder, that many men with high sex drives need a regular release to stay sane. He is a Christian himself and gave me some resources and even pointed me to a youth minister who literally saved my life and my relationship with God. My doctor and youth minister made me realize that my need for a sexual release was natural and was not a sin so long as it was not abused. It took a long time for this to sink in, but once it did, everything in my life improved. I stopped consuming inappropriate content cold turkey, my relationship with God turned around, and my depression lifted off of me. I learned that masturbating in an appropriate way was very healthy for me not only physically, but also spiritually.
My struggles with my hypersexuality did not end though. After high school when I moved out of my parents' house, I struggled constantly to avoid premarital sex. Some women I dated even accused me of not being a man because I would not sleep with them, even though it was because I was committed to remaining a virgin until marriage! There were nearly a dozen times when I almost slipped up and had sex with a girl, but every time, God saved me, because something would always happen that either prevented the act from occurring or brought me to my senses. An example of this is one time when I was making out with a girl, and we were in the process of taking our clothes off, she got a call that her grandmother had passed away.
Fast forward to age 22 when I met my now fiance who is a strong Christian along with her family. We dated for a while, and from the inception of our relationship, we could not keep our hands off of each other. We never had sexual intercourse, but after we had been dating for a couple of months, we crossed the line. Of course, after we crossed the line, we kept doing it. We would be sexual with each other nearly every day! I was in sexual bliss - for the first time in my life, I felt like I would have a very happy sexual future after I got married. When I say crossed the line, what we would do is essentially a mix between second and third base and would end in me finishing myself. I don't want to get too graphic. A few months ago we decided out of respect to each other and our relationship with God that we would not do anything past first base until we were married. Well since that time, and well maybe a little bit before that time, it just seems like my fiance's sex drive has plummeted. Even though we don't do anything sexual, we don't even really make out anymore. I will try to initiate a makeout session, and she just won't be into it. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she now works full time now. A lot of it is wedding stress, too, I'm sure.
I tell her that I have needs, and that I will be miserable if we don't have sex at least three times a week (my sex drive has diminished over the years, and I can get by with a release three times a week). I would prefer every day, but I realize that this is asking a bit too much. At least she could allow me to touch to her if she's not into it, but she won't even agree to that. She tells me that I just need to deal with the fact that we are getting married and entering into "the real world", and that in the real world, married couples rarely have sex. It doesn't take a lot for me to be happy in the marriage, I say. As long as she loves me and fulfills my sexual needs, I'll be happy. That's it. I'm not difficult person to please. But now I get the feeling that I am going to be entering into a sexless marriage, where I will be miserable until the day I die. When I tell her this, she interprets it to mean that she's just not good enough for me, since she won't be able to satisfy me.
I am extremely upset about this situation, and I am angry at God. I spent the last 10 years abstaining from sex and remaining a virgin, nearly my entire life struggling sexually, even though I had plenty of opportunities where I would have gladly had sex, out of respect to my Lord and Savior, and now it turns out that marriage isn't going to solve my problems. Sometimes I now regret the times I rejected the opportunities to engage in premarital sex - I know this is extremely selfish of me, and that I should strive to please God no matter how miserable it makes me, but still. My best friend also has a very high sex drive like myself, and he finally met a woman with a sex drive to match his - they have sex nearly 20 times a week, and have been doing so for over two years, despite the fact that they both work full time!! And yes I know they actually do this, as I hear them, because we are room mates (he's not married to her). I get insanely jealous, and wonder why my fiance can't be like that. I spent the last four years with my fiance in a constant struggle to avoid going all the way to sexual intercourse, even though both of us could barely control ourselves many times. And this is how God rewards me for being faithful to him and waiting, by giving me a sexless marriage? My fiance's sister (who happens to also be a man hating feminist who still calls herself a Christian) has convinced her that I'm going to cheat on her after I get married. "If a man's wife can't satisfy him, he'll just go somewhere else to get what he wants" is what she keeps telling my fiance.
My fiance is about ready to call off the wedding over this. Other than our disagreements over sexual matters, our relationship has been great up until recently. Her sex drive used to be able to keep up with mine, but now it just doesn't. And I wish she wouldn't have to work so that her sex drive might be restored, but financial realities dictate that we both will have to work to make ends meet. I don't actually know that I am entering into a sexless marriage. Maybe once we actually have sex, her sex drive will wake up. But one thing she said to me tonight that got me very upset was that I shouldn't expect any sex during our wedding night, or even our honeymoon!! If she's in the mood, it will happen, but if not, it won't. The ENTIRE reason I waited to have sex and remain a virgin is so I could have a healthy sex life after I got married!!! I have tried to get her into our premarital counselor about this, but she refuses to talk about it, because she was raised in a family where talking about sex is taboo, so she refuses to talk to our counselor about this! She says that if I really love her, I should be willing to marry her and remain faithful to her even if it means that we never have sex. I'm sorry, but I can honestly say that if we never have sex, that I will probably walk out on her, because I refuse to live the rest of my life being sexually frustrated (I've been sexually frustrated already for 20 years, I'm tired of it), and I have told her that, which has made her want to call off the wedding (along with what her sister is telling her). It's very difficult to call off the wedding at this point, as we've sunk over 15k into this wedding, which is pretty much all of our savings! Do we go ahead with the wedding, knowing full well that our disparate sex drives could end the marriage? Again, I don't know how disparate our sex drives really will be, because we don't have sex yet, and it's hard for her to judge how often she will be in the mood when she's never even had sex. But we are so worried about this issue, and know full well that it could end our marriage. Why is this so difficult for Christian couples?? If we could just have sex before we were married, we would never be having this problem. For all I know, we could have a fantastic sex life, but I worry that it will be a sexless marriage. Please pray for us and give me advice on what I should do!
My fiance and I are getting married in about a month, and we have recently started talking about sex in our married life. It has been our primary source of conflict in the past month. I have a very high sex drive even for a guy, and I'm worried that she won't be able to keep up with me, and that it will end in divorce. Her own sister is urging her not to marry me at this point, saying that I will simply just cheat on her after we are married (not true, in fact to this day I am a virgin!!). Her sister claims that once a month is normal. I take issue with this because her husband has discretely confided in me about his wife's lack of sex drive (and the poor guy, while not a virgin when he met her, was a gentleman and never pressured her to have sex with him before they were married, and yet here they are after they are married and he waited for her, and he still doesn't get any)... Also her sister and her husband have been trying to have a child for nearly four years without any success, and they have both been complaining about it for years. During one of my fights with my fiance, I foolishly pointed out that maybe it's their own fault that they don't have children, given that they almost never have sex (her sister thinks once a month is normal, after all!).
This is actually a very complicated situation, but that's the gist of it. I'm going to elaborate below.
I have had a very long struggle with my sexuality and my Christian faith. I have been a believer since I was eight years old, and I am now 27. Before I even knew what sex was (must have been about nine) and still thought girls had cooties, I began masturbating. I didn't know what I was doing, just that it felt good and relieved pressure in my genital areas. My parents caught me one time when I was 11 or so and scolded me harshly and gave me a lecture on how masturbation is wrong. As I got to about age 12, my sex drive increased to a point where if I did not get a release, I could not sleep or concentrate. If I went more than a day or so, I would start to feel physical pain in my genital area and would feel feverish and nauseous. After I got my release I would feel fine. I got my release at least twice a day every day up until about age 14 when during a youth retreat they talked about sexual issues, during which they mentioned how masturbation is a sin. After that retreat, my relationship with God and my life in general took a nose dive. I tried to refrain from masturbating, but like I mentioned previously, it made my life completely miserable. I could not sleep, I could not eat much, I could not concentrate in school, and I would have horrible pains in my groin area along with the nausea. I wondered if I had done something wrong and God was punishing me. If I did touch, I felt horrible guilt. If I didn't, I felt physically ill and endured sexual pain. I seriously considered removing my own testicles just to be free from the misery that my sex drive brought me. Any fellow believer I discussed about this simply told me masturbation was a sin, and that I just lacked self control, and that I should just get married young. Ironically, both people who told me to get married young to avoid sexual sin themselves ended up marrying very young (18 or 19), and both ended up getting divorced. Rushing into marriage to avoid "sexual sin" is a terrible idea, and is one reason why so many Christians end up getting divorced.
One night at about four in the morning, after not being able to sleep all night due to trying to be pure and abstaining from masturbating, I finally gave up, did the deed, and quickly passed out afterwards. I decided that I would just give up trying to be pure since it was apparently impossible. Up until that point until a critical moment when a doctor literally saved my life when I was 16, I completely turned my back on the Lord. I would touch 4-5 times a day and became completely addicted to inappropriate contentography. Well anyways I saw a doctor when I was 16, and I told him about my sexual woes. He told me that I did not have any sort of sexual disorder, that many men with high sex drives need a regular release to stay sane. He is a Christian himself and gave me some resources and even pointed me to a youth minister who literally saved my life and my relationship with God. My doctor and youth minister made me realize that my need for a sexual release was natural and was not a sin so long as it was not abused. It took a long time for this to sink in, but once it did, everything in my life improved. I stopped consuming inappropriate content cold turkey, my relationship with God turned around, and my depression lifted off of me. I learned that masturbating in an appropriate way was very healthy for me not only physically, but also spiritually.
My struggles with my hypersexuality did not end though. After high school when I moved out of my parents' house, I struggled constantly to avoid premarital sex. Some women I dated even accused me of not being a man because I would not sleep with them, even though it was because I was committed to remaining a virgin until marriage! There were nearly a dozen times when I almost slipped up and had sex with a girl, but every time, God saved me, because something would always happen that either prevented the act from occurring or brought me to my senses. An example of this is one time when I was making out with a girl, and we were in the process of taking our clothes off, she got a call that her grandmother had passed away.
Fast forward to age 22 when I met my now fiance who is a strong Christian along with her family. We dated for a while, and from the inception of our relationship, we could not keep our hands off of each other. We never had sexual intercourse, but after we had been dating for a couple of months, we crossed the line. Of course, after we crossed the line, we kept doing it. We would be sexual with each other nearly every day! I was in sexual bliss - for the first time in my life, I felt like I would have a very happy sexual future after I got married. When I say crossed the line, what we would do is essentially a mix between second and third base and would end in me finishing myself. I don't want to get too graphic. A few months ago we decided out of respect to each other and our relationship with God that we would not do anything past first base until we were married. Well since that time, and well maybe a little bit before that time, it just seems like my fiance's sex drive has plummeted. Even though we don't do anything sexual, we don't even really make out anymore. I will try to initiate a makeout session, and she just won't be into it. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she now works full time now. A lot of it is wedding stress, too, I'm sure.
I tell her that I have needs, and that I will be miserable if we don't have sex at least three times a week (my sex drive has diminished over the years, and I can get by with a release three times a week). I would prefer every day, but I realize that this is asking a bit too much. At least she could allow me to touch to her if she's not into it, but she won't even agree to that. She tells me that I just need to deal with the fact that we are getting married and entering into "the real world", and that in the real world, married couples rarely have sex. It doesn't take a lot for me to be happy in the marriage, I say. As long as she loves me and fulfills my sexual needs, I'll be happy. That's it. I'm not difficult person to please. But now I get the feeling that I am going to be entering into a sexless marriage, where I will be miserable until the day I die. When I tell her this, she interprets it to mean that she's just not good enough for me, since she won't be able to satisfy me.
I am extremely upset about this situation, and I am angry at God. I spent the last 10 years abstaining from sex and remaining a virgin, nearly my entire life struggling sexually, even though I had plenty of opportunities where I would have gladly had sex, out of respect to my Lord and Savior, and now it turns out that marriage isn't going to solve my problems. Sometimes I now regret the times I rejected the opportunities to engage in premarital sex - I know this is extremely selfish of me, and that I should strive to please God no matter how miserable it makes me, but still. My best friend also has a very high sex drive like myself, and he finally met a woman with a sex drive to match his - they have sex nearly 20 times a week, and have been doing so for over two years, despite the fact that they both work full time!! And yes I know they actually do this, as I hear them, because we are room mates (he's not married to her). I get insanely jealous, and wonder why my fiance can't be like that. I spent the last four years with my fiance in a constant struggle to avoid going all the way to sexual intercourse, even though both of us could barely control ourselves many times. And this is how God rewards me for being faithful to him and waiting, by giving me a sexless marriage? My fiance's sister (who happens to also be a man hating feminist who still calls herself a Christian) has convinced her that I'm going to cheat on her after I get married. "If a man's wife can't satisfy him, he'll just go somewhere else to get what he wants" is what she keeps telling my fiance.
My fiance is about ready to call off the wedding over this. Other than our disagreements over sexual matters, our relationship has been great up until recently. Her sex drive used to be able to keep up with mine, but now it just doesn't. And I wish she wouldn't have to work so that her sex drive might be restored, but financial realities dictate that we both will have to work to make ends meet. I don't actually know that I am entering into a sexless marriage. Maybe once we actually have sex, her sex drive will wake up. But one thing she said to me tonight that got me very upset was that I shouldn't expect any sex during our wedding night, or even our honeymoon!! If she's in the mood, it will happen, but if not, it won't. The ENTIRE reason I waited to have sex and remain a virgin is so I could have a healthy sex life after I got married!!! I have tried to get her into our premarital counselor about this, but she refuses to talk about it, because she was raised in a family where talking about sex is taboo, so she refuses to talk to our counselor about this! She says that if I really love her, I should be willing to marry her and remain faithful to her even if it means that we never have sex. I'm sorry, but I can honestly say that if we never have sex, that I will probably walk out on her, because I refuse to live the rest of my life being sexually frustrated (I've been sexually frustrated already for 20 years, I'm tired of it), and I have told her that, which has made her want to call off the wedding (along with what her sister is telling her). It's very difficult to call off the wedding at this point, as we've sunk over 15k into this wedding, which is pretty much all of our savings! Do we go ahead with the wedding, knowing full well that our disparate sex drives could end the marriage? Again, I don't know how disparate our sex drives really will be, because we don't have sex yet, and it's hard for her to judge how often she will be in the mood when she's never even had sex. But we are so worried about this issue, and know full well that it could end our marriage. Why is this so difficult for Christian couples?? If we could just have sex before we were married, we would never be having this problem. For all I know, we could have a fantastic sex life, but I worry that it will be a sexless marriage. Please pray for us and give me advice on what I should do!
