Sexual Depravity. (If you hate me I dont blame you.)

[Loving monster]

Well, I am nervous as can be talking about this and I feel as if the eye of millions of people are judging me. I like sex, I have a addiction to sex and I don't know why. I am a victim of rape by a close family member, unlike most cases where people become physically with drawn I became emotion withdrawn and physically open to any type of affection. I went through a child hood filled with pornography and tales of sex from the age of six on up. After year of living in a house of godly people I kinda felt that God was only for those sheep and that I was a nothing more than a dog. Not strong enough to be a wolf and nothing close to a sheep. At the age of sixteen I had my first sexual encounter of the willing kind, I hated the woman but I knew she was easy, after that I slowly started to hate and distrust women when it came to relationships. I dispised women but they had what I wanted so I would do what I could to get it. After two years of false relationships with the only goal being a few mins of pleasure I was approached with a offer of sex by a male coworker and after some time I finally said yes and enjoy the encounter but again it was as empty as women were but it was only a third of the work to get it. I have lost my mind as of lately and have found more pleasure in watching people suffer than anything I have begun to just wallow in hatred. I was weak and people steam rolled over me now that I am vicious and jaded no one has even dared to try and get closer to me. I would like to be loved but I don't have any illusion that will happen. I have friends and I have people that like me I am a punch clock villian you can say. I am an aavid volunteer and I help the elderly and the disabled though I would have nothing to do with anyone if I could. I am broken used and worthless but I at the very least know I am broken and won't delude my self with dreams of me being a human being. I don't know what to do about the deviant mind set.

 

[Ariel]

LM, welcome to CF. I am so glad you came.

As I read your post my heart just ached for you. I could see this little boy being abused and hurt, required to function sexually in a way no human being should ever be required. I am so sorry. But I know this: you can be healed, changed and delivered even from that deviant mind set.

Jesus came to set the captives free, John 8:32, 36. You can be set free. Furthermore, you can go on in the purity and power of Christ.

This is not easy. You will have to be willing to fight for it, but it can be done.

As I said before, welcome. There is hope.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

You are under a misconception, that your promiscuity subsquent to being raped is unusual. It is NOT. It is quite common and you should not feel as though you are alone or in a significant minority because of it.

Jesus came precisely for people like you and me.

There is hope, there is help and there is a purpose for everything. If you will allow it, God will take the damage that was done to you and turn it to His purposes by first healing you and then using you to reach others who feel as you do right now. You will have a depth of understanding and compassion that only someone who has been through it can attain.

Please feel free to PM me at any time should you need to talk or have any questions. You are not alone.

 

[Loving monster]

Thank for your kind words but honestly I doubt you can purify excriment such as myself. I only know a single universal fact. Might makes right, when I was six I was too weak to fight back to weak mentally and far to weak physically. God is a great being weither it be the old testament malevolence or the new testament benevolence but I think my creation is one of suffering and kindness to other people. Only time I ever felt love was a puppy my friend had given to me but even then my parents convinced me to give it up. (which was for the best) I hate people I dont even want love anymore just a place of solitude weather it be death or just somewhere remote. I am not fitting in with basic humanity. My closest friend is a zoophile but I think when worse comes to worse he is the only person that wouldnt stab me in the back the moment I let my guard down. My former religon would basicallly shun me the moment I open up to them.

 

[Ariel]

LM, I am not shunning you. (((hug)))

You are welcome here. None of us are perfect, none of us can say that we deserve love. But God loves us anyway, He gives us what we don't deserve: GRACE--God's riches at Christ's expense. But for grace I would be dead right now.

God loves you just as you are. But He doesn't stop there. He calls you to a higher place, because He loves you. He comes and picks you up out of the dirt and cleans you up. He puts you in a place you don't deserve--His own heart.

I don't deserve God's love, and neither do you. I don't deserve His forgiveness. But one night as I was praying and telling God that I can't possibly be clean He spoke to me. He told me that I was clean because He makes me so.

The moment you ask Him to forgive you, He does. Look at this verse:

1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

"All" in that verse means all. You don't have to go to a minister, just cry out to Him and ask Him to cleanse you. You will be clean because He makes you so.

This is the beginning. Come to Him. Ask Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Savior. Ask Him to forgive you and cleanse you. Know that when you ask to be forgiven, you are forgiven.

Then walk in that victory. Tell every ungodly thing to leave, because when you come to Christ, you are freed from the bondage of sin, Romans 6. Ask someone to baptize you. Get as close to God as you can, and walk in love with Him.

This is not religion, which condemns you, but relationship with Jesus Christ who frees you. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed, Romans 8:36.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

LM, I have a book to recommend for you - The Wounded Heart, by Dan Allender. The book addresses women who have been sexually abused, but in the foreword Dr. Allender also makes it clear that the same issues arise for men as well. I would encourage you to read this book - I found it extremely true and comforting to read that I was not the only person with what I thought of as my own private, twisted world.

If you are unable to find the book, or if you are unable to purchase it at this time, I will be happy to send you my copy. You can PM me with a mailing address and I will get it to you. You can look at my profile page and see that I am a 45 year old woman with cats & kids, so please don't be afraid to ask if you aren't able to get a copy of your own.

LM, you are beloved of the Lord - exactly where you stand. He doesn't expect you to clean up your life before He loves you - you simply have to accept His love and his freely offered gift of grace through belief and HE will do the cleaning up for you.

Peace be with you.

 

[Loving monster]

I thank you guys but at the same time I feel as if I am so far gone. I've become outta touch with my connection to people, I dont like even interacting with people in person unless its to feed my sick sexual appitie. I dont even get much joy from that other than the feeling of control. My only real source of joy in comfort is the internet and the animals I take care of at the pound. I dont know my purpose other than to be an example of what not to be in life but in a sick way I kind feel the need to sink deeper into this life because I know once I pass I have nothing to look forward to or worse eternal suffering of some sort.

 

[UnitynLove]

Are Your Hurting Emotionally?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elW7jl2Wv70

Overcoming Condemnation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jfhJs2Xf2U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj_ao4saIfE&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svv97k76k8g&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nhF1fC4EEew&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lerngfnLlJM&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lnUxf2Xaat0&watch_response

The Scars Of Child Abuse
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-r75oe3Htw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4KteBmY5gQ&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydj3m6dMsX4&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvUBLC9oK78&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjE1fffbw6Y&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoiSit8R0Hc&watch_response

Sexual Sin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwHN6U30mNQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9ycfDPN0qo&watch_response
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6YFRp2meGo&watch_response

 

[SpitfireOverThames]

My friend,
I read your testimony, a testimony with a lot of pain and grief in it. I just want to say a few things to you...because I do care for you. I may not know you personally, but there is power in language, so I pray that the words that have been spoken by others, and by myself, will hit you right where you are...to release within you hope, faith, and love...all things we desperately need in this life.

Firstly, despite your past, have you surrendered to Christ?? That's the first thing you must ask yourself. Do you have a living, vibrant relationship with the supernatural God? If not, you will be a target for the unseen enemy of God whose desire is singular: to destroy you. The hatred you feel, the bitterness, the resentment, the ache that never leaves you--the enemy will amplify those emotions and feelings within you...which is why you really must reach out for the Living Christ. I am NOT saying to reach out to religion, but to the Living God who will come to you, come INTO you when you invite Him with a surrendered heart. Until you do that, your situation will only deteriorate.

Secondly, there's a man in the Bible who once came to Jesus...fell to his knees, and asked the Lord Jesus to make him whole again. You see, he was a leper. In those days, as you may know, a leper was never allowed to enter the town or house of a non-infected person. He was never allowed to touch, and if he were to talk to anyone, he would have to face AWAY from the individual before speaking... This is a portrait of the man who came to Jesus requesting His touch. What was Jesus' response?

Jesus touched him. It was a singular touch, but enough to transform and heal the man. Well Jesus is not afraid of your leprosy, the sort that is in all human hearts. He will reach out to you, touch the wounded parts, and then, if you allow Him, use those "scars" to reach others in similar situations.

So recognize that He loves you truly much... Let Him touch you. Stop speaking harshly about yourself. Stop cutting yourself down with words and thoughts... Stop using people for sexual gratification. Forgive the one in your past who abused you in the past...so you can move past that event in your life, to remove bitterness, to be finally free of that crime against you. And forgive yourself for the things done that you regret and hate. His blood is more powerful than anything you've ever done. He will heal you if you let Him.

And realize that this may be a day to day battle. Its unlikely that you will be changed overnight, or that you won't have to wrestle with a lot of things internally, spiritually, sexually. You have to give yourself grace to ease your way out of the self-hatred, the internal suffering, the wrongful thinking. But you can do it by immersing yourself in God's Word (the Bible, especially the New Testament initially), finding a church that fits your personality and manner, being accountable to others, either here at CF or even better, in a church setting. You can overcome, but you can't be lazy, indifferent, headstrong and hope to succeed.

~Sean

 

[UnitynLove]

I love your testimony because it shows what is the after effect of sexual sin that T.V., radio, and other forms media do not show. All they show is the act being fulfilled but never the guilt, shame, and regret of sexual sin. I wish more would read this and not go into the life of sexual sin. Thank you brother!!

 

[True_Blue]

Jesus did not suffer death by excruciation for little sins. He suffered for big sins. People who don't think they are sinners can't benefit from his death. Only people like the thread starter can benefit. The more we sin, the more we need him, and the more he is willing to draw near to us. Jesus loves you, no matter what, and he has forgiven you if you will accept his forgiveness.

 

[marybridget12]

If you do not read another word in this forum, I want you to read this: GOD IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU!!!!! He loves you, he desires you, he adores you. You are his cild. He thinks about you. He watches you. He aches when you ache and cries when you cry. He hates to see you hurt. He loves you so much.
I wish I could hug youright now and tell you that I do not hate you. Everyone struggles.
I can just see a young kid who was hurt so badly and then cope with it the best he can.

Jesus loves you. He wants to be close to you. He can make you white as snow.

There is a story in the Bible about Saul.

He wasa a murderer!!!! He killed Christians for a living. One day, he saw Christ and became Paul, one of the ost famous men of all times for his dedication and sevice to christ.

David, a man after "God's own heart" killed a man so that he could have sex with his wife. Murdered many people. But God loved him so much. He wanted David with him and made him clean.



The reason I became a Christian was because I struggled with everything. Jesus has made me clean and free.


He wants to do the same for you. He loves you so much. Never forget that.


i love you too. Please contact me if you want to talk. Any time.

Love and Blessings,
Bridget

 

[Greenriser]

hey bro, you don't need those people who mistreated you, lean on God.

Moving on from that and putting a smile on your face (even despite the pain) can be like a cleansing of the soul.
The mind is a powerful thing, you can use your mind to overcome your fears, to think bright and positive, to accept or move on from people, and enjoy life better.

It's as simple as picking out a calming picture like that of a rainforest or an oasis and focusing on it.

 

[myanchor]

Your indicator says you are a christian. So then brother, you are endowed with all the things you need to become clean. If Jesus loved you enough to die for you, you infinite worth. And since He did die for you, you do have infinite worth. Ask the Spirit to reveal to you just How He feels about you. Ask the Spirit to cleanse you. To heal you. To send helpers your way. You are reaching out right now, don't stop. I'm praying for you.

 

[True_Blue]

Your indicator says you are a christian. So then brother, you are endowed with all the things you need to become clean. If Jesus loved you enough to die for you, you infinite worth. And since He did die for you, you do have infinite worth. Ask the Spirit to reveal to you just How He feels about you. Ask the Spirit to cleanse you. To heal you. To send helpers your way. You are reaching out right now, don't stop. I'm praying for you.

The battle against sexual addiction is a part of a broader war against the flesh. To fight a war, you need to use every tool at your disposal. You should fast on a regular basis, as Jesus himself did. Jesus had to battle his flesh just like the rest of us, and since he fasted, how much more should we fast as well.

 

[Lemmiwinks]

Jesus did not suffer death by excruciation for little sins. He suffered for big sins. People who don't think they are sinners can't benefit from his death.

Excellent point.