Sexual Compatability

[eatenbylocusts]

Well, friends with benefits and divorce, or marriage, really have absolutely nothing to do with eachother. Having a friend with benefits 10 years ago hardly means that now I can't think the guy who'd say to his wife "If you don't lick my behind, I'll divorce you because you're not meeting my sexual needs" is a jerk.

I can't seem to find a smilie that really conveys what I want to say, but this one is kind of the opposite

So you agree it can be an issue but the one who makes it an issue is the bad spouse, does that boil it down or am I missing something?

Yes, I think you are. I believe what she's been saying is that once you're married you don't get divorced unless you have a legitimate reason to do so, and problems should be worked out.

 

[Bootstrap]

So you agree it can be an issue but the one who makes it an issue is the bad spouse, does that boil it down or am I missing something?

Let's get out of the blame game. I think the right question is this: what's the best way to have a loving marriage where we both feel loved and well-treated when we have strongly different feelings about one particular sexual practice?

We're talking about an activity that one of you finds thrilling and the other finds humiliating or distasteful or both. I'm guessing here when I try to describe your wife's reaction, because none of your posts have said anything about what this means to her emotionally, how it feels to her when you ask her to do this. Your posts aren't really asking how you can be loving and caring to your wife when you have different sexual tastes, they ask us to get on your wife's case if she doesn't do something many normal people would find demeaning. And your posts don't seem to focus on how you can make sex good for both of you.

You've already tried it, it's not working for her. She still tries it once a month or so, perhaps because of the pressure, perhaps to try to please you. Sex is a pretty emotional thing, I wonder how this kind of pressure to do something she really doesn't want to do will affect her feelings toward sex with you in other areas.

Frankly, in your posts it sounds like you're looking for some law that says you can force your wife to give you the thrills you would like and you don't have to care about her feelings. If you look at Scripture, I think you'll find laws like these:

You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

I'm not feeling a lot of understanding or honor in what you write when you discuss this issue with your wife.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER AND SHALL BE JOINED TO HIS WIFE, AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

In your posts, you don't seem to be terribly concerned about nourishing and cherishing your wife, or treating her in a way that is holy and redeeming, loving her as your own body.

And you're not asking the question, "if there's something I'd like sexually that she finds demeaning, what's the best way for us to handle this as a couple", you're asking "if she doesn't want to lick my behind, isn't she being a bad spouse, withholding sex?" Your questions haven't been about how to improve your relationship, they have been about finding ways to put the blame on her or get her to do this for you.

Talk to your wife, tell her how important she is to her, how you don't want to put her in a situation where she's feeling demeaned or treated badly. Ask her how she feels about this, if she's felt under pressure. Really listen, give her plenty of time to talk without interrupting her, repeat back what you think you are hearing and make sure you've got it right, try to put yourself in her shoes. Ask her what would be really good for her sexually, what would make her feel loved and cherished and well treated. Ask her if anything you've been doing has hurt her, and be prepared to apologize. Be ready to learn and to care and to change. Get out of the blame game.

Jonathan

 

[Alexandrah]

A lot of my feelings on the subject have already been stated quite eloquently by several posters already. I have no desire to ever enter into a lifelong commitment with someone that I have not had sex with. For many people sex is an essential function, as essential to my life happiness as eating, sleeping, showering, laughing, and overall comfort. It is a huge component of what I would think to be necessary for a lasting marriage.

That said, without getting too graphic--I'd like to bring up the fact that sometimes people are completley physically incompatible. Sometimes no amount of lube will fix it or ease the pain of that kind of size difference. How would that be resolved? How long would a marriage like that last? Not to mention, at the onset of sexual activity many women tend to develop infections that can inhibit sexual acts. I cannot imagine what kind of associations might occur in a women after developing a horrible UTI after intercourse. Some women never resolve these issues. To me, these are important things to know before you walk down the aisle.

 

[Bootstrap]

I have no desire to ever enter into a lifelong commitment with someone that I have not had sex with.

To me, it's important to know that the chemistry is there. I think you can learn a lot by kissing, I doubt that actually having sex is necessary for this. I also suspect that even if you've had sex, what it's like to have sex with someone changes over time and as the relationship and the physical bodies change. A good experience before the marriage is no life-long guarantee. My ex and I did fine on the honeymoon, but we had a mostly sexless marriage after the first 6 months and she eventually decided she is lesbian. I've been active in support groups for ex-spouses of gays, this is a common experience.

For many people sex is an essential function, as essential to my life happiness as eating, sleeping, showering, laughing, and overall comfort. It is a huge component of what I would think to be necessary for a lasting marriage.

I'm with you there. Though if I had to choose, I'd probably choose at least eating over sex ...

That said, without getting too graphic--I'd like to bring up the fact that sometimes people are completley physically incompatible. Sometimes no amount of lube will fix it or ease the pain of that kind of size difference. How would that be resolved? How long would a marriage like that last?

You know, I actually spent some time reading up on this question once, and the consensus of medical resources I was able to discover seems to be that this is not a problem long term. Several mentioned that women manage to get babies out through that channel, and that women are endowed with a certain ability to stretch and adapt. Short term, it can cause difficulties until people adapt to each other.

Not to mention, at the onset of sexual activity many women tend to develop infections that can inhibit sexual acts. I cannot imagine what kind of associations might occur in a women after developing a horrible UTI after intercourse. Some women never resolve these issues. To me, these are important things to know before you walk down the aisle.

Either or both partners may develop medical conditions before or after marriage, including at the beginning of marriage, that can cause challenges to a sex life. There are ... er ... lots of available options for pleasing each other.

Jonathan

 

[AlexeiKaramazov]

I think if you're really worried about "size differences", you can go to a gynecologist and get yourself measured. There's no real excuse for having sex before marriage as any incompatibilities you can think of can be addressed without having sex. That includes talking out what kinds of sexual activity can occur. And if it turns out that you marry the one you love but they're not quite a champion in bed, that's just too bad. Life isn't perfect, and there's no such thing as the perfect spouse. To be unhappy because you're not getting your jollies to the nth degree is a selfish thing and goes against the whole idea of marriage.

 

[Alexandrah]

I doesn't matter to me at all whether or not someone does or doesn't have sex before marriage. Everyone has individual standards and morals. Where we get our morals may be different but most of us want the same things in life, comfort, happiness and love.

If you feel that you can pick someone to spend your life with without first determining the physical aspects of your compatibility that's just fine. No one is saying that in every single case there may be physical problems or issues with drive, only that it's possible and the possibility shouldn't be ignored.

We're all getting divorced at the same rate so it doesn't seem to matter what choice you make.

 

[rppearso]

I think if you're really worried about "size differences", you can go to a gynecologist and get yourself measured. There's no real excuse for having sex before marriage as any incompatibilities you can think of can be addressed without having sex. That includes talking out what kinds of sexual activity can occur. And if it turns out that you marry the one you love but they're not quite a champion in bed, that's just too bad. Life isn't perfect, and there's no such thing as the perfect spouse. To be unhappy because you're not getting your jollies to the nth degree is a selfish thing and goes against the whole idea of marriage.

You do realize that being unhappy about your situation yet still doing the right thing is not selfishness, if the two of you agreed to stuff before you got married and he/she bait and switched on you, you have a right to be unhappy/upset, you had an expectation that was previously agreed upon and your spouse bailed and now your expected to live without it for your whole life your probably not going to be that happy. Any body can minimize someone else's priorities but they are not living in your shoes. Having sexual issues in marriage can cause at of problems and that is also life. Calm down and step off the soap box. Im not too excited in my marriage because my wife does not like to do rim jobs and I love it, people have minimized this big time on here but there minimization does not change my unhappiness about it and being unhappy is not sin, its just a fact you try to live with and do the best you can not to be tempted because sexual refusal of any type can cause us to stumble so when a spouse refused to do something sexual they are putting a stumbling block out for you, you just have to do the best you can and ask God for help and ask for forgiveness when you do stumble (porn, prostitution, etc). Sexual refusal can have serious consequences when the other spouse eventually does stumble but we are human. We are called to marry if we burn with passion but when our spouse does not fulfill that passion because of whatever reason it can put you in a pickle. Anyway thats my take on it.

 

[Bootstrap]

Calm down and step off the soap box. Im not too excited in my marriage because my wife does not like to do rim jobs and I love it, people have minimized this big time on here but there minimization does not change my unhappiness about it and being unhappy is not sin, its just a fact you try to live with and do the best you can not to be tempted because sexual refusal of any type can cause us to stumble so when a spouse refused to do something sexual they are putting a stumbling block out for you, you just have to do the best you can and ask God for help and ask for forgiveness when you do stumble (porn, prostitution, etc). Sexual refusal can have serious consequences when the other spouse eventually does stumble but we are human. We are called to marry if we burn with passion but when our spouse does not fulfill that passion because of whatever reason it can put you in a pickle. Anyway thats my take on it.

I know what it is to be married and burning, because I was in an almost sexless marriage for 23 years before my wife decided she is lesbian and left me. And that's a really difficult situation to be in.

I don't want to minimize your experience or your difficulty. But I think you need help with these difficulties, just trying to tough it out is not going to work - it sounds like you've already been slipping up and this is too difficult for you on your own. And putting the responsibility for this on your wife is not going ot work either - when you say "but we are human", that applies to your wife as well, and it is very human for at least some people to not want to do a rim job. And from what I've heard, at least, it sounds like she's willing to do a lot for you sexually, just not rim jobs.

To me, it sounds like your desire for rim jobs is a little out of control, and this is tearing down your life and your marriage. If this is true, I urge you to seek out help. I don't know enough to say who where to look for this kind of help, but I do think you need to find someone you can talk to openly, be accountable, who won't be too judgmental, and I suspect that some kind of professional might be best.

Blessings to you. I will pray for you.

Jonathan

 

[The Nihilist]

I think if you're really worried about "size differences", you can go to a gynecologist and get yourself measured. There's no real excuse for having sex before marriage as any incompatibilities you can think of can be addressed without having sex. That includes talking out what kinds of sexual activity can occur. And if it turns out that you marry the one you love but they're not quite a champion in bed, that's just too bad. Life isn't perfect, and there's no such thing as the perfect spouse. To be unhappy because you're not getting your jollies to the nth degree is a selfish thing and goes against the whole idea of marriage.

so it's not a legitimate marriage unless it kind of sucks? you must be great fun at parties.
also, paying a doctor to tell you if your gonads are compatible seems pretty expensive and time consuming, compared to what it takes to do it yourself. do you also reach up your duff to blow your nose?

 

[skeptikk]

Of course love is more important than sex for committed relationships. But sex has emotional connotations that can't be avoided. Sexual compatibility has a lot to do with a person's views on sex itself. (And, in my opinion, family/church influence in telling someone sex is dirty or wrong or a sin.)

Sex can mean a lot of things. In the best pairings, it is a joyful experience of two equal people exploring each other. It's about ultimate intimacy and pleasure and emotional nakedness. But sometimes, sex is about power or control. In those relationships, it doesn't matter what act you are performing...sex is a way for a person to exert their control over another person, and it's wrong. Or sometimes sex is "shameful", and you can only do it missionary style with the lights off. I can tell you from personal experience that that kind of sex is extremely demeaning and disheartening, the idea that a woman's parts are unholy in some way.

My partner and I are very sexually compatible, but only after he got past the structured notions of what "masculine guys" do in bed, and started focusing on my body and his body and what they were telling us. We take time to hold each other and talk about what we like and why, and celebrate our bodies and just languish together. Sex is healthiest if it's discussed and shared openly without shame. I really think shame surrounding sex or women in bed is a big influence on a woman's body image, and I wish every woman had a partner who loved and respected my body the way mine does.

 

[rppearso]

I know what it is to be married and burning, because I was in an almost sexless marriage for 23 years before my wife decided she is lesbian and left me. And that's a really difficult situation to be in.

I don't want to minimize your experience or your difficulty. But I think you need help with these difficulties, just trying to tough it out is not going to work - it sounds like you've already been slipping up and this is too difficult for you on your own. And putting the responsibility for this on your wife is not going ot work either - when you say "but we are human", that applies to your wife as well, and it is very human for at least some people to not want to do a rim job. And from what I've heard, at least, it sounds like she's willing to do a lot for you sexually, just not rim jobs.

To me, it sounds like your desire for rim jobs is a little out of control, and this is tearing down your life and your marriage. If this is true, I urge you to seek out help. I don't know enough to say who where to look for this kind of help, but I do think you need to find someone you can talk to openly, be accountable, who won't be too judgmental, and I suspect that some kind of professional might be best.

Blessings to you. I will pray for you.

Jonathan

We did all the whole going to conseling thing (because there were other issues as well which got solved) but for something like this its not going to do anything. It would be like if you really like golfing (or whatever) and someone told you you can never do it again or only do it once in a great while a shrink is not going to convince you to not like it anymore its just something you will have to live with and you may slip up and do it anyways. I think shrinks and accountability partners are used to much as a "cure all" but all accounability partners do is say hey you shouldent do that, ok I agree but when the block is out and your walking along your going to stumble and if lots of blocks are being thrown at your feet your accountability meetings are not going to stop you from falling. Making mistakes is human but if your wife refused you for that long that is not a stumble or a fall she basicly said I dont want to be a Christian anymore and did not get back up and I honestly believe you should have left her after the conseling attempts failed (which is about 6 months to a year after that you are wasting your life) I feel really bad for you because you let one of the most fun seasons in your life slip by, you could have found a really nice wife that would have rocked your world. I just pray that my wife will realize how important it is to me and God will get us through it.

 

[K9_Trainer]

You pray your wife will realize how important rim jobs are to you? What if she's praying that you will realize how giving rim jobs makes her feel?

Maybe I'm missing something.....But if she's doing other things and making an effort to satisfy you sexually, and you refuse to be satisfied because your hung up on not getting rim jobs, that does seem selfish.

 

[rppearso]

You pray your wife will realize how important rim jobs are to you? What if she's praying that you will realize how giving rim jobs makes her feel?

Maybe I'm missing something.....But if she's doing other things and making an effort to satisfy you sexually, and you refuse to be satisfied because your hung up on not getting rim jobs, that does seem selfish.

You could really classify anything that you do for yourself as selfish. You have to take what I wrote in its entire context. Its the same thing as the situation where a wife wont ever give her husband oral but will have sex with him, if he really likes oral that will be a rough life, is it selfish for a wife to want her husband to love on her and buy her flowers, its the same thing. Women and men who understand this are mostly going to have really good marriages, the problems come when women expect men to do there part but if they dont want to do something its ok because it "gross", you are heading for rough waters ahead.

 

[MehGuy]

I don't know, I actually like some different things in sex, if the girl just wants regular intercourse, I don't know, I would get bored.

 

[Godzila]

Of course love is more important than sex for committed relationships. But sex has emotional connotations that can't be avoided. Sexual compatibility has a lot to do with a person's views on sex itself. (And, in my opinion, family/church influence in telling someone sex is dirty or wrong or a sin.)

Sex can mean a lot of things. In the best pairings, it is a joyful experience of two equal people exploring each other. It's about ultimate intimacy and pleasure and emotional nakedness. But sometimes, sex is about power or control. In those relationships, it doesn't matter what act you are performing...sex is a way for a person to exert their control over another person, and it's wrong. Or sometimes sex is "shameful", and you can only do it missionary style with the lights off. I can tell you from personal experience that that kind of sex is extremely demeaning and disheartening, the idea that a woman's parts are unholy in some way.

My partner and I are very sexually compatible, but only after he got past the structured notions of what "masculine guys" do in bed, and started focusing on my body and his body and what they were telling us. We take time to hold each other and talk about what we like and why, and celebrate our bodies and just languish together. Sex is healthiest if it's discussed and shared openly without shame. I really think shame surrounding sex or women in bed is a big influence on a woman's body image, and I wish every woman had a partner who loved and respected my body the way mine does.

I love it!

 

[The Princess Bride]

You could really classify anything that you do for yourself as selfish. You have to take what I wrote in its entire context. Its the same thing as the situation where a wife wont ever give her husband oral but will have sex with him, if he really likes oral that will be a rough life, is it selfish for a wife to want her husband to love on her and buy her flowers, its the same thing. Women and men who understand this are mostly going to have really good marriages, the problems come when women expect men to do there part but if they dont want to do something its ok because it "gross", you are heading for rough waters ahead.

There is a defining difference though. The wife wanting flowers is not unsanitary whereas the husband wanting a "rim job" is highly unsanitary.

To me requesting a spouse place their health at risk is beyond selfish. You can get some really NASTY diseases by doing that.

 

[unkern]

Theres no such thing as sexually incompatable accept for if your with anyone, but a man. Sex is Gift given by or God as an enjoyable experience between you two when you are married, out side of the lines of marriage there will be loads of problems that come with sex, thats why a relationship rarely works out, people are going to a step only God can take them too.

 

[rppearso]

There is a defining difference though. The wife wanting flowers is not unsanitary whereas the husband wanting a "rim job" is highly unsanitary.

To me requesting a spouse place their health at risk is beyond selfish. You can get some really NASTY diseases by doing that.

If you are squeeky clean the risk is pretty low no more risk than a man giving a woman oral sex.

 

[Bootstrap]

We did all the whole going to conseling thing (because there were other issues as well which got solved)

Well, that's good. (Sorry for the pause, I was in Scotland for a week.)

but for something like this its not going to do anything. It would be like if you really like golfing (or whatever) and someone told you you can never do it again or only do it once in a great while a shrink is not going to convince you to not like it anymore its just something you will have to live with and you may slip up and do it anyways.

If golfing or whatever were leading me into sin, I would give it up. If discipleship doesn't sometimes cost something, it's not really discipleship.

I honestly believe you should have left her after the conseling attempts failed (which is about 6 months to a year after that you are wasting your life) I feel really bad for you because you let one of the most fun seasons in your life slip by,

Well, I have to say God has been faithful, I'm having one of the most fun seasons of my life now. We're not having sex, but I'm in such a caring, loving, giving relationship now, and I'm really feeling very blessed.

And as hard as it was, I'm glad that we really tried. I'm not sure we had to try this hard for 23 years when it just wasn't working no matter what we did.

you could have found a really nice wife that would have rocked your world. I just pray that my wife will realize how important it is to me and God will get us through it.

Do you really mean this the way it sounds?

Do you pray that God would show you how to be loving and caring and considerate to your wife? Do you pray that God would show you how to be attentive to her feelings? I don't feel I can tell married couples what kind of sex they should like, but if she finds this repulsive, if this desire is ruining your marriage and your life, let it go, man!

Jonathan

 

[rppearso]

Well, that's good. (Sorry for the pause, I was in Scotland for a week.)



If golfing or whatever were leading me into sin, I would give it up. If discipleship doesn't sometimes cost something, it's not really discipleship.




Well, I have to say God has been faithful, I'm having one of the most fun seasons of my life now. We're not having sex, but I'm in such a caring, loving, giving relationship now, and I'm really feeling very blessed.

And as hard as it was, I'm glad that we really tried. I'm not sure we had to try this hard for 23 years when it just wasn't working no matter what we did.



Do you really mean this the way it sounds?

Do you pray that God would show you how to be loving and caring and considerate to your wife? Do you pray that God would show you how to be attentive to her feelings? I don't feel I can tell married couples what kind of sex they should like, but if she finds this repulsive, if this desire is ruining your marriage and your life, let it go, man!

Jonathan

As I said before nothing is ruining my marriage its just a fact of life I live with and do the best I can to live my life with my wife. My whole point was that going to a shrink is not going to magically make everything better for anyone, im sorry if I digressed somewhere in my last post. Following God does cost something but each spouse satisfying each other sexual needs is biblical we are not to be denying each other sexually. I think alot of people on here like to cherry pick which scripture to read.