Sex and Intimacy: A Serious Question

[bort]

As a Christian who loves Jesus and the spouse God has given you, do you ever find the enemy encroaching upon your mind during the times you are having physical relations with your mate?
I guess this could mean any number of different thoughts he might assail you with, but particularly images or thoughts of different people other than your wife or husband. This question is directed specifically toward people who are faithfully committed to their partner. Please be as honest as you can be. I understand if you need to guard your heart, but what steps do you need to take in order to insure that your heart remains on God and who He has given you?

 

[Dave-W]

Yes it happens. Repent when it does. If it becomes something that keeps happening, find a good christian counselor to get to the root of it.

 

[bort]

I think you misunderstood my question. Temptation does not equal sin.

 

[Dave-W]

Of course temptation is not sin. But your mind dwelling on someone else during .... goes beyond temptation; it is giving in to temptation.

 

[Navari]

So my husband was a virgin when we married, I was not. I think I struggled with this more than he does. I actually had to mentally prepare myself before intimacy for the first few years, to make sure my heart was there with him. We prayed before intimacy if I felt it might be an issue. If something he did triggered a memory, we would stop deal with the trigger and sometimes not finish. Now 5 years later it is not something I have had to deal with in a long time. Mostly because my fantasies now are about my husband and our times together. I focus on him. Communication, patience and reteaching my brain good habits was the key. I had to break down old barriers and build new ones. Take your thoughts captive, but don't dwell on them.

I hope this helps

 

[Lukamu]

What steps do you need to take?
1. If possible, keep yourself pure until your wedding night.
2. If not, then avoid trying to recreate something that you have seen or experienced in your past.
3. Do not suggest that you and your mate try something that "worked for so and so."
4. Be patient and let love blossom naturally. Talk to godly people if you are having problems.

 

[Mrs Awesome]

I've honestly never had this problem. My mind may wander for a moment and I might think about something that happened that day or focus too much on how I look to him (I've been self-conscious lately), but I never think sexually about anyone or anything else. I also trust that my husband doesn't either.

This is obviously a concern for you, and rightfully so. Be open with your spouse and ask for their prayers. If things continue, perhaps the guidance of a Christian counselor or your pastor would be more appropriate. No matter what, never stop fighting for what is right. God has placed this in your life for a reason. He is wanting to teach you something. Embrace this opportunity and move forward with conviction and faith.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

Stay away from inappropriate content. It pollutes your mind and sets unreasonable expectations of a partner.

 

[Brianlear]

It's not abnormal to have thoughts like that. I think everyone wonders what it would be like to be intimate with any number of different people. The truth is, it wouldn't be that different or more interesting than who you're with right now. In fact it would be missing the closeness and relationship you have with your wife, so no matter what the fantasy person looks like, it wouldn't be as "good" as you think it would be. But it's natural to wonder. Just realize that it won't do you any good to dwell on it too much. Allow the thought to come, but also let it pass.

 

[coloradoguy]

I'm fairly ADD, so my mind tends to wonder almost all the time, and so as a result I don't pay much attention to random thoughts that enter my head. I'm not really focused on what I'm thinking about during sex.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

We are still human and sometimes our minds wonder. For example if you are somewhere with your spouse maybe they may glance and notice someone whos "handsome". It happens. Me, I love my wife and only focus on her. But I will joke with like when we watch a movie and I'll say "I used to have such a big crush on <insert celeb>!". We laugh together about it.

But you are referring to sex itself. I can't say my mind has ever wandered really. I mean before I married I was with someone and we had sex alot and never married sadly. So of course it took me a long time to get those memories out of my head. If you are worried about thinking about someone/something else though then this is why sex is important in marriage. If your sex life falls apart, soon other things will too. Or maybe other things did fall apart which lead to your sex life falling apart. Also, and this is controversial but I believe in NO divorce. Never. It doesn't matter what the reason. So if you think about marriage as forever, then you know you shouldn't look anywhere else anyways because you are now married forever.... until death do you part as some vows say.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Sex is more of a body thing than a mind thing...I could be totally into what's going on physically but my mind may be on things like redecorating (I want to toss every stick of furniture we have but I'm waiting...), what the ferocious felines are up to while the bedroom door is closed, start a grocery list....who knows! Hubs knows this...and doesn't give a hoot! But, after 17 years married and together for about 20 years...it's not like it's anything new for us...

 

[kmrichard7]

Not all of our minds wander. It irks me when people say this. Just becauze your mind wanders does not mean everyone elses does!
That said, its common but.. I think its common because out culture has made it acceptable. And anyone who has ever followed culture before Christ at any part of their lives will have struggles like these.
Society excuses lustful thoughts. Saying "everyone does it" and "its human nature". God expects much more from us.
You are not a bad person for doing this but you have committed a sin. We should always work to lessen our sinful nature and always fight against the temptation. We may sometimes fail but we should always fight

 

[Thunder Peel]

Sex is just like anything else: you can get distracted and your mind can wander. In that regard it's no different from work or school or any other facet of life. Some probably struggle with it more than others.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Hey Thunder Peel. Thank you for responding. I'm bort. I was trentlogain2. Now I'm bill_tipper. It's good to read you. Stay blessed!

 

[AWomanNamedDamaris]

Like a few others on this I have ADHD and my mind often wonders during sex. I don't think about other men. I think about the chores I have to do and how I am going to do them. I am praying to become more mindful during sex, so that I can become closer to my husband.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Like a few others on this I have ADHD and my mind often wonders during sex. I don't think about other men. I think about the chores I have to do and how I am going to do them. I am praying to become more mindful during sex, so that I can become closer to my husband.

As Navari says, above:

my fantasies now are about my husband and our times together. I focus on him.

It's good for the mind to be actively engaged, right?

 

[faroukfarouk]

Not all of our minds wander. It irks me when people say this.

Well, you guys have clearly learned to keep mind and body well disciplined and coordinated, which is good.

PS: for the OP: The Bible says marriage is honourable.

 

[Johnnz]

Sex is just like anything else: you can get distracted and your mind can wander. In that regard it's no different from work or school or any other facet of life. Some probably struggle with it more than others.

But that is not biblical sex, just sex as a physical release. Such a view derives from the lack of deeper intimacy where both delight in each other.

John
NZ

 

[faroukfarouk]

But that is not biblical sex, just sex as a physical release. Such a view derives from the lack of deeper intimacy where both delight in each other.

John
NZ

This is undoubtedly true.