? Sex Addiction

[Chris2849]

I wonder if anyone out there can offer me any assistance. I have been married to my beautiful wife for 14 years. For the first 7 years we went through some problems with homes and neighbours. My wife is not a tolerant person. I found out recently that during the past 7 years she has persisted in having 13 affairs with other men and at least two with other women. From what little information I have been able to get, it appears she is suffering from "Sex Addiction". She wants nothing to do with me and barely takes the time to be civil, going out "with The Girls" at least once, mavbe three times a week. I am rapidly getting near the end of my rope and hope that someone could offer me some useful help.
God Bless.
Chris

 

[Serving4Christ]

Chris,

I think the best help I could offer at this point is prayer and honesty. Have you also had an affair in your 14 year marriage?

I believe you should try to seek counseling for you and your wife. If she truly believes she has a sexual addiction, then I would suggest seeking a professional counselors advice.

I can feel the hurt you're going through right now. When did you first find out about the affairs? Is she willing to openly discuss them? Are you willing to forgive them? These are questions and plenty more for the road to recovery. We have a God of reconciliation and He taught us true forgiviness, can you do the same for your wife?

Dan

 

[JillLars]

It does sound like she suffers from an addiction to sex, however, like all other addictions, she cannot/will not stop until she recognizes that she has a problem. You can't forcer her to see that, and unfortunately things usually get worse before better. With all addictions people usually hit "rock bottom" before they realize how badly they are screwing up their lives. The best thing you can do is love her, and be there for her, because when she does hit bottom, she will need support. You should not condone her behavior though. I would let her know that she needs to make a choice to remain in the marriage, otherwise you will leave. Some might disagree with my advice, but you should not let her walk over you. You can love her, and pray for her, but take care of yourself too. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me. I will be praying for you and your wife!

 

[E-beth]

My ex husband had a sexual addiction, so I know what you aer going through.

My ex was really very emotionally unattached to me in regard to sex. In retrospect, he treated me with as much affection as he probably did the prostitutes he was seeing. But I thought that was the way it was supposed to be, because I didn't know any different. When I finally found out he had been unfaithful in many many ways wityh many many people, I of course thought he did it because he thought I was unacceptable.

What I discovered in my experience is that 1.) the addiction is not your fault! It has nothing to do with your sexual performance, or how you look, etc. 2.) Like every addiction, there will be no healing until the addicted wants help. That probably won't come until they hit rock bottom. For me, my ex hit rock bottom when he had to come tell me he was afraid he had AIDS and that I should get tested too) 3.) You can be an enabler. My responsibility in my ex's addiction is that when he admitted to going to strip clubs, etc, I always forgave and did not act like it hurt. I made no boundaries, gave him no consequences. So the addiction got worse, even though I didn't know it.

There are 12 step groups for sex addicts (I think they call it SA Anonymous) as well as group therapies for spouses of Sex addicts. I went to a couple and they were helpful.

I am praying for you, and your wife.

 

[jazzbird]

Chris, I am so very sorry for what is happening in your marriage. I don't have any new advice to add, but I just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you and your wife. We have a great God who can do amazing things in seemingly hopeless situations. Keep your focus on Him and rely on Him for your strength and sustenance.

 

[DaveKerwin]

time for professional help for sure.

Do you wish for a divorce or for restoration of your marriage?

 

[koppee1]

Isn't marriage final? I don't think divorce is an option is it? But yes, definitely time for professional help (try a psychologist or a church counselor). You might also want to try having someone with experience in this pray over your wife. It may drive away whatever spirit (if any) is causing her addiction. May God give you the strength to get through this. <praying>

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Adultery is definetely grounds for divorce, biblically speaking. I think it depends on what he wants to do, and how willing his wife is to do something about it. Sounds like she is the one that this rely's upon. How difficult and hurtful. But you can't change her, she has to be willing to change.

 

[DaveKerwin]

it seems like he desires restoration, but he has not responded.

Saying a prayer for ya bro.

 

[obuchiteck]

I don't like it when people use the "I'm addicted" **** of an excuse. Trust me I'm tempted and I've thought about it, yet I love and respect my wife not to. She Cheated on you 13 times! I would show her the door myself and wouldn't look back, never even excepting a phone call from her. I think that when people use excuses it's a sign of moral weakness with no desire to work for the better.

I know everyone here is going to flame me for this, but hey! 13 TIMES. Come ON! Before we had a excuse for every negative human behavior and the drug to help it, we had self will. Control not to cheat even when we are tempted.

If My wife cheated on me one time, Yes I would seek help and evaluate the situation, but more than that she's just getting a free ride.

 

[PottersClay]

I'm afraid I have to agree with obuchiteck. I'm a very staunch believer in the sacred nature of marriage covenant, but she's blatantly and flagrantly violated them. Women dont get sexually addicted the way men do, and calling it an "addiction" is just making an excuse for her that enables her behavior.

Now, if you're saying that you love her and want to do everything possible to put your marraige back together--that's great. But you need to do it in such a way that you make it perfectly clear that this type of behavior is NOT acceptable, and will no longer be tolerated.

 

[DaveKerwin]

women can get sexually addicted the same way men can. she could be having a major psychological issue, or maybe physiological. I would be upset at the cheating for sure, but I would find out why before I determined my responce.

 

[HeatherJay]

Women dont get sexually addicted the way men do, and calling it an "addiction" is just making an excuse for her that enables her behavior.

Now, if you're saying that you love her and want to do everything possible to put your marraige back together--that's great. But you need to do it in such a way that you make it perfectly clear that this type of behavior is NOT acceptable, and will no longer be tolerated.

I agree with Dave. Sexual addiction (along with pornography) can be just as much of a problem for women as it can be for men. It just hasn't been as talked about until recently. Women are just as much sexual creatures as men are, and, when you realize that true sexual addictions have very little to do with sex and much more to do with deeper emotional issues, it's unfair and unrealistic to think that one gender is "above" such behavior.

I do agree that you need to confront her about her behavior and make your feelings known...but, as others have said, this is probably going to come down to her choice...whether she wants to get help for her problem and work on the marriage, or if she wants to continue in her behavior. Be strong and know that God will be with you through it all.

Love, Heather

 

[brokenbananas]

There hasn't been a post to this over a month, but I wanted to add that addictions not only have a psychological impact, but also a physiological impact. Unless the vicious cycle of both are broken and resolved, it's truly hard for people who are truly addicted to something to quit.

Every person's physical body is different. Some are more prone to addictions. You also have to look at the psychological makeup. So, you have to get to the root of the psychological issues. For this wife who does the cheating, or anyone else for that matter (and I'm no therapist), has low self-esteem. If they truly valued who they were, they wouldn't do that.

I know, I committed adultery on my ex-husband. And, what appeared on the surface to be a lack of sex in our marriage, which led me into an affair...it really wasn't that. It really stemmed about how I felt about myself, which I hated myself and I didn't think I was all that valuable as a person...even though I knew Christ died for me and accepted that. The lifetime of devaluing myself and having that reinforced by my parents whom I looked up to, really created this awful person.

With the right help for my problem, we were able to eventually get to the root cause and not only talk about it, but eliminate the physical sexual addiction (as well as many other addictive behaviors) through natural means (Emotional Freedom Technique - EFT). I am truly a different person, and I know what it means to be forgiven and loved.

There is hope. You gotta look to see what God is telling you to do. God is working in and through you...around you....you just have to be observant enough.

Blessings,
Doris

 

[HigherPraiz]

my mom went through this with my step dad when i was young. sadly to say it happens between families and there is not a whole lot that anyone can do about it. woman along with men need a change and that is how they do it...that is not right...you are married and need to stay married to your spouse regardless of the need for change. im sure your wife loves you...but it might not be a marriage love...maybe a puppy love...i dont mean to sound rude, but if my husband did that to me, i would be out. nobody is going to cheat on me ESPECIALLY when i am married.
i didnt mean to sound harsh! God Bless

 

[desi]

I'm afraid I have to agree with obuchiteck. I'm a very staunch believer in the sacred nature of marriage covenant, but she's blatantly and flagrantly violated them. Women dont get sexually addicted the way men do, and calling it an "addiction" is just making an excuse for her that enables her behavior.

Now, if you're saying that you love her and want to do everything possible to put your marraige back together--that's great. But you need to do it in such a way that you make it perfectly clear that this type of behavior is NOT acceptable, and will no longer be tolerated.

Yup.