seperation

[DennisC]

My wife have been married almost 3 years and have been together 4 years. I asked my wife to leave a couple months ago but since then I have had time to reconsider this and I had explained this to her. The reason I asked her to leave was she has lied to me in the past and I grew to distrust her but as time went on I had started to trust her more. But she still left on Dec 23. Since she has left we have spoken everyday and have seen each other several times. Everytime we have spoken or seen each other things have went well but there is an uneasy felling between us. She says she still loves me and that she misses me but she just needs time to be alone and she's not ready to come home. This is my first marriage and her third so I'm afraid if I just leave her alone and have no contact with her she will just walk away for good. Any advise on what I should do? I miss her so much. I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate at work. She is my world, my everything and now that she's gone all I do is sit around and cry. Please help me I don't know what to do?

 

[desi]

My advice in this area usually gets me in trouble with around half the people around here, but what the heck here goes. Your wife is probably on the way out. As she is away she is slowly convincing herself its for the best for all involved. Trying to talk her out of this would be a waste of time and energy on your part. The best thing to do is withdraw from her, at which point she'll say bye or beg you to reconsider. If you tell her another woman has expressed interest or better yet she sees you spending time with another woman she is more likely to work to save your marriage. This advice is from what I've seen and been through. Everyone is different so my advice is not for everyone. Prayer helps, begging her to stay usually fails without exception.

 

[Svt4Him]

Don't stay separated. Absence makes the heart go wander. Remember why you fell in love, and do those things again.

 

[seebs]

A certain amount of separation can be healthy for you, but you don't want to prolong it. On the other hand, it suggests that there's issues you should be working on. Definitely look into counseling.

Begging her to stay isn't very useful. Telling her the reasons for which you want her to stay might be.

 

[ceres]

Get counseling, tell her how you feel. Don't beg or be pathetic but you can be honest and say you love her a lot and want her to come home. But then let it drop. Spend quality time with her when you are together. Is there another man?

 

[DennisC]

We are still seeing and talking to each other and getting along fine. But have decided to spend the next couple days apart so we both can have time to think. Last night I talked to her about seeing a counseler and she said she would think about it and let me know in a couple days. But I'm not sure if she will. She is not a very open person when it comes to problems. She even has a hard time talking to me. And no there is no other man or woman. After she left we talked about seeing other people and neither one of us wanted to. We both want to wait and see how our relationship goes before we get involved with other people. Actualy we don't even want people to know we are seperated. So far we have only told 6 people. (parents, pastor, and 2 friends)We thought the less people who knew the better. People mean well but they add pressure on you to work things out and we already have enough stress as it is. I hurt her very much when I asked her to leave and it will take sometime for her to forgive me. But as long as we love each other there's a chance we can make this work.

 

[desi]

Dennis have you tried being firm with her? If they believe in your passion for them they will usually defer to you. Acting reasonable is boring to most women. Even the most introverted women will respond to passion for them because they want to feel their man is hot for them. If your dealings with her are in a malaise you may just have to switch gears and use some passion and authority. Visit her in person and saying 'You are coming and that is that!' or better yet! Try this silver bullet... Visit her unannounced at work, home, wherever and say the following with conviction and intense feeling '(her name) you have touched me at a deeper level than any other woman ever has. My love for you pierces the deepest level of my mind and heart. Because of that I do and always will love you more than anyone else I've ever known or will ever know. That's why I can't stay with you any longer. The feelings are too powerful for me to deal with so I'm leaving forever.' Then shut up and leave in a hurry, make tracks, DO NOT STICK AROUND, don't say even bye. Practice this until you sound convincing. After you leave she will pause for a bit before doing whatever it takes to get back with you. You are telling her she is special and creating intense feeling in you which you can't control. Women want their men to feel for them. If you have powerful feelings for her it is all the better. Then when you leave her with all the good feelings you have created still there but you are gone 'forever' she will chase you life you've never been chased in your life to keep you. Don't forget to thank me later.

 

[Jamida]

Dennis have you tried being firm with her? If they believe in your passion for them they will usually defer to you. Acting reasonable is boring to most women. Even the most introverted women will respond to passion for them because they want to feel their man is hot for them. If your dealings with her are in a malaise you may just have to switch gears and use some passion and authority. Visit her in person and saying 'You are coming and that is that!' or better yet! Try this silver bullet... Visit her unannounced at work, home, wherever and say the following with conviction and intense feeling '(her name) you have touched me at a deeper level than any other woman ever has. My love for you pierces the deepest level of my mind and heart. Because of that I do and always will love you more than anyone else I've ever known or will ever know. That's why I can't stay with you any longer. The feelings are too powerful for me to deal with so I'm leaving forever.' Then shut up and leave in a hurry, make tracks, DO NOT STICK AROUND, don't say even bye. Practice this until you sound convincing. After you leave she will pause for a bit before doing whatever it takes to get back with you. You are telling her she is special and creating intense feeling in you which you can't control. Women want their men to feel for them. If you have powerful feelings for her it is all the better. Then when you leave her with all the good feelings you have created still there but you are gone 'forever' she will chase you life you've never been chased in your life to keep you. Don't forget to thank me later.

From a woman's standpoint, I wouldn't try that at ALL!!! If my husband tried that on me and then walked away, I'd take it as though he was walking out the door forever and no man on earth could get me to go running after him. I'd see him as the most selfish dog on earth to say something passionate and then say "it's too powerful to deal with so I'm leaving forever." What's that all about?? That doesn't compliment me, that says you're so stuck on your own misery you're going to ditch me for good and move on. I'd say "see ya" at that point, no matter how much it broke my heart.

I would say, following the Christian counselling route. And give your wife space to breathe and be there to reconcile any hurts you may have caused, be ready with valid apologies, but don't act like a whipped dog either and apologize for things you didn't do. Bathe it in prayer, tell her you love her, and then be in it for the long healing haul. If she sees your faithfulness to the marriage and the healing process, that will say 1000 x's more than trying to manipulate her feelings with ultimatisms and dramatics.

 

[desi]

From a woman's standpoint, I wouldn't try that at ALL!!! If my husband tried that on me and then walked away, I'd take it as though he was walking out the door forever and no man on earth could get me to go running after him. I'd see him as the most selfish dog on earth to say something passionate and then say "it's too powerful to deal with so I'm leaving forever." What's that all about?? That doesn't compliment me, that says you're so stuck on your own misery you're going to ditch me for good and move on. I'd say "see ya" at that point, no matter how much it broke my heart.

From my experience most women would attempt to help their man work through such feelings because most women would take pity on a fellow experiencing such emotional turmoil from their intense love for her, you may be the exception.

I would say, following the Christian counselling route. And give your wife space to breathe and be there to reconcile any hurts you may have caused, be ready with valid apologies, but don't act like a whipped dog either and apologize for things you didn't do. Bathe it in prayer, tell her you love her, and then be in it for the long healing haul. If she sees your faithfulness to the marriage and the healing process, that will say 1000 x's more than trying to manipulate her feelings with ultimatisms and dramatics.

This is the same old stuff that does lots of marriages in because it is unmanly for a husband to act like a brother/friend. It emotionally puts most women to sleep despite what they say about wanting to feel and be understood by their man. I have yet to see women respond positively to a husband who will not be decisive. Working through things emotionally via counseling as suggested, amounts to abdicating a husbands leadership (masculine) role in the relationship, the act of which makes him unnecessary for the most part as that is his main role defined by the Bible. My advice is from observing relationships. My mother raised me to do the things Jamida recommends, I almost got divorced trying that stuff to get my wife back. After praying about it and reading the Bible I realized my society does not follow Biblical rules pertaining to marriage and divorce which is why there is so much divorce, women are dumping their men for nonBiblical reasons. I also found men are not supposed to act like women in our relationships by talking about everything-that is what womens' friends are for, we are to lead the marriage for their benefit. Once I became decisive things changed. Don't think I make all the decisions or make them without asking her. My wife probably makes more decisions about our family than I do but when something serious comes up like divorce, I tell her to 'go ahead and leave, find someone better than me and bring him by so I can congratulate him. Make sure he adopts the kids too.'

What you do wrong/right with most women does not matter as much as how you handle it. This is why jerks get hot women. If nice guys apply this principle it can help us in our relationships.

If you get caught up in right/wrong and understanding you will bog yourself down in endless drivel which will validate all of your wifes deserved and undeserved misgivings about you which will probably encourage her to divorce you or stay married to you without passion. If you don't believe me look at the posts here where couples have entered counseling and see how many of the marriages are still together.

 

[wonder111]

What you do wrong/right with most women does not matter as much as how you handle it. This is why jerks get hot women. If nice guys apply this principle it can help us in our relationships.

I don't know why this stood out, but I know many 'hot women' who don't fall for the jerks. The difference is confidence. An example would be someone like Bono, he has the confidence and the 'edge' many women like, but he focuses it on social justice and helping people. I know strange example, but that's the kind of edginess the girls I know go for. I want a 'nice' man but it's 'confidence' that makes the difference

just my $.02

 

[Jamida]

From my experience most women would attempt to help their man work through such feelings because most women would take pity on a fellow experiencing such emotional turmoil from their intense love for her, you may be the exception.

You're entitled to your opinion, but if you walk out on the woman after being "firm" with your emotions, how can she help if you're gone and she doesn't want to chase after you 'cause she thinks you called it quits??

 

[desi]

You're entitled to your opinion, but if you walk out on the woman after being "firm" with your emotions, how can she help if you're gone and she doesn't want to chase after you 'cause she thinks you called it quits??

Usually in such a situation women do not think like that under those circumstances as most women are emotive rather than logical; hence, their focus is not on him saying he gives up so that's it, but on wanting him back. Emotive women believe they can make a difference despite what anyone says especially about things they are passionate about. How many women do you know who married men thinking they would change them in some way despite other people saying 'the guy won't change'? I've known many and they inevitable fail.