seperation

[tiffyof6ntwins]

My husband and I have recently seperated due to his poor judgement and failure to care of the children while he is in charge. He had a drinking problem and in the last 6 months that we were together before the seperation the oldest of my kids, 12 and 9, had seen and heard many of the arguements we had. Now after almost a month of seperation we are adapting to our new free life, but if i ask the older kids if they are glad we are away from their dad they dont want to talk about it. I wonder if this is just their way or letting go or do they need to talk but cant find the right way or words. any suggestions how i can get them to open up and let me know how they are really feeling. i want to make sure this was the best choice for them as well as myself.

 

[b.hopeful]

If you were arguing and he is an alcoholic...separation is likely the best choice regardless of how the children feel about it right now. If they are still not willing to talk about it in a few months...look into counseling services. In MO...if you divorce and have minor children the courts automatically send you to a counseling service called Kids in the Middle. I'd give it some time though. It has to be a hard adjustment. Good Luck and I'm sorry it came to this. How is he doing since the separation? Any chance it's the kick in the rear he needed to get his act together?

 

[PolarBear3]

if i ask the older kids if they are glad we are away from their dad they dont want to talk about it.

It sounds like you are wanting the kids to say that they are happy to be away from their dad. Like you're hoping that they will reject their dad and justify the separation. If that's what's happening, that's too much to put on a kid's shoulders. Let your kids feel what they feel. No matter how your husband has behaved, he's still their father and they probably feel loyalty (even love) towards him. If they haven't been seeing him regularly, they may miss him a lot. Instead of asking if they are glad to be away from their dad, ask how they are doing or ask what's been difficult about this transition. And be open to their answers even if it's not what you want to hear.

And remember that you are the parent and have to make the tough choices even if your kids don't like or understand them. Even if they miss their dad and wish you were still together, separating may have still been the best choice. That has to be your decision, not theirs.

 

[tiffyof6ntwins]

Ah i see.. thats not how i meant it to come out but i do understand .. we talk openly and i ask them how they feel and tell them they are more then welcome to call him anytime they wish. the problem with that is when he answers hes usually been drinking and they cant understand what hes saying. few times they have been able to have a conversation for a few mins, but i never hear they tell him they miss him or cant wait to see him. we had to move 600 miles away because we didnt have any where to go where we were at. the closest family i had was 600 miles. its a shame to put that much distance but hopefully this is the kick in the butt he needs to straighten up his act. im not saying i didnt play a role in the situation. but i feel hes the one who did the drinking and pushed us away and I did no wrong in leaving the situation. i dont feel this was a way just to escape it but rather to give us both some time to breath and work it out.

He hasnt been any better since the seperation. He has not given me a dime to help out with the kids to buy groceries or anything. His mother has helped more then he has. he still continues to drink every time i call him he has been drinking i can hear it in his tone and slurred words.