hi. i am new here (i have been lurking for a few days
). anyway, here is my situation. i am a sahm of 4 and recently seperated from my dh. we have been married for 10 years (friends for 3 before marriage) and have had problems since day one. as soon as the ring was placed on my finger, he changed. i found very graphic porn mags around the house, 900 number charges on the phone, and rental receipts for videos. he lied about the 900 charges (they had him state his name on a recorder to authorize the call- it was his voice but using a name of a guy we went to high school with!). he admited to this years later. this has gone on for 10 years. now though it is internet porn. we were married for a few weeks when he began beating me. he would jump on me and choke me, pull my hair, punch me (black eye), etc. i kicked him out, he would beg for forgiveness and i would accept. we had our first dc and things continued to esculate. he would hit me with her in my arms (6 mos old), yank her from me, threaten to take her and i would never see her again. that last threat was too much. i filed a domestic violence injuction. he was court ordered for anger management counseling and put on anti depressants. he improved and i dropped the charges. we then had dc #2. things were okay for a while (i had no idea he was into internet porn). i cought him with it many times and his response would vary from saddness to irrated that i was upset. somewhere in the mix of things, we had 2 more dc and 10 years has now passed. he is a diagnosed bipolar (since dc#2 was a baby) that will not take his meds. i have stayed because i want to raise our dc in a "together" family. i know God hates divorce. i have accepted where i am as my assignment from God. the thing is, i have no feelings left for this man. yes, i know God can change that. i have prayed for Him to for years. but all the pornography and lying has destroyed my feelings for him. i enjoy being his friend, thats all. i was engaged before we dated and looking back, i can see that he was the rebound guy. i got pregnant and we decided to marry. i lost the baby 2 weeks before the wedding. i wanted to back out but felt that i could come to love him (he was so nice and funny before the wedding). i thought that i would fall in love with him as time went on. is this my punnishment for not seeking the man God had for me? i have left because of the threats- he tells me how he will spend my life insurance money and how he daydreams of my death. he yells at me in public- even in church. i cannot do anything right, i am always late/wrong/overreacting/too pushy, etc. i use to be quite the spunky person, but i have become so weak. by that i mean i stopped speaking up. i had back down so as not to anger him to hit me (that no longer hapens) and in the process, became a doormat. all of my family and friends say it is good to have me back. they say i actually laugh now. i had began always questioning what people were saying and why (i had to do this with dh to figure out his moods) and never enjoyed anything. dh wants to "fight" for our marriage. he says he is a changed man in God. i have heard this song and dance too many times before (typical bipolar) to trust him. i have stayed so long because i belived it is what God wanted. now i am not so sure. any advice is welcomed.
). anyway, here is my situation. i am a sahm of 4 and recently seperated from my dh. we have been married for 10 years (friends for 3 before marriage) and have had problems since day one. as soon as the ring was placed on my finger, he changed. i found very graphic porn mags around the house, 900 number charges on the phone, and rental receipts for videos. he lied about the 900 charges (they had him state his name on a recorder to authorize the call- it was his voice but using a name of a guy we went to high school with!). he admited to this years later. this has gone on for 10 years. now though it is internet porn. we were married for a few weeks when he began beating me. he would jump on me and choke me, pull my hair, punch me (black eye), etc. i kicked him out, he would beg for forgiveness and i would accept. we had our first dc and things continued to esculate. he would hit me with her in my arms (6 mos old), yank her from me, threaten to take her and i would never see her again. that last threat was too much. i filed a domestic violence injuction. he was court ordered for anger management counseling and put on anti depressants. he improved and i dropped the charges. we then had dc #2. things were okay for a while (i had no idea he was into internet porn). i cought him with it many times and his response would vary from saddness to irrated that i was upset. somewhere in the mix of things, we had 2 more dc and 10 years has now passed. he is a diagnosed bipolar (since dc#2 was a baby) that will not take his meds. i have stayed because i want to raise our dc in a "together" family. i know God hates divorce. i have accepted where i am as my assignment from God. the thing is, i have no feelings left for this man. yes, i know God can change that. i have prayed for Him to for years. but all the pornography and lying has destroyed my feelings for him. i enjoy being his friend, thats all. i was engaged before we dated and looking back, i can see that he was the rebound guy. i got pregnant and we decided to marry. i lost the baby 2 weeks before the wedding. i wanted to back out but felt that i could come to love him (he was so nice and funny before the wedding). i thought that i would fall in love with him as time went on. is this my punnishment for not seeking the man God had for me? i have left because of the threats- he tells me how he will spend my life insurance money and how he daydreams of my death. he yells at me in public- even in church. i cannot do anything right, i am always late/wrong/overreacting/too pushy, etc. i use to be quite the spunky person, but i have become so weak. by that i mean i stopped speaking up. i had back down so as not to anger him to hit me (that no longer hapens) and in the process, became a doormat. all of my family and friends say it is good to have me back. they say i actually laugh now. i had began always questioning what people were saying and why (i had to do this with dh to figure out his moods) and never enjoyed anything. dh wants to "fight" for our marriage. he says he is a changed man in God. i have heard this song and dance too many times before (typical bipolar) to trust him. i have stayed so long because i belived it is what God wanted. now i am not so sure. any advice is welcomed.
