Separated ~ is comfort sex wrong..

[peacechild4]

Sorry I just need some advice I need to tell someone and I know it is personal.. I kind of know what people are going to say.. I am making it harder on myself.. but I am still an adult with feelings and all that.. and still married so legally it isn't wrong we are married... He will give me sex on the odd occasion but nothing more.. and we are still attracted to each other that way... is it wrong?? We never had problems in that area... it was always good all the way through the bad times.. sigh.. just couldn't communicate and he didn't treat me so good and got very angry..

I feel bad today and sad.. I think this might be screwing with my head more then I realize..

I just feel lonely and needy.. and well you know the rest.. I would never ever do it with anyone else.. sigh.. but I kind of tell myself I am still married so this is ok... nobody else knows my older kids do..... But I want so much more then just sex..

I realise it might just be for the feelings for him.. he doesn't love me.. and that is all it is just the act.. I just cannot seem to let that part go..

Is it worth it... and of course I do not know for sure if there is anyone else which could be dangerous to my health.. sigh..

I just want to be loved for me.. and I wish all this had not happened.. and I could have a normal loving relationship... He knows I am lonely.. and I guess vulnerable.. but I could of just not done it.. so both our faults.. sigh..

 

[jham123]

I feel for you, and I don't think there is a good answer. I'll not say what you are doing is wrong, he is/was your Husband.

Keep going and be clever with your interactions, maybe you can sway him when you guys are together....try to make the interactions a fun time. Don't get heavy in the discussions.

I'm not sure what I am saying is good or not......it's just what I would try to do.

again, I think you are a diamond in the rough for your views and he is a fool

 

[Jakihe]

Sorry I just need some advice I need to tell someone and I know it is personal.. I kind of know what people are going to say.. I am making it harder on myself.. but I am still an adult with feelings and all that.. and still married so legally it isn't wrong we are married... He will give me sex on the odd occasion but nothing more.. and we are still attracted to each other that way... is it wrong?? We never had problems in that area... it was always good all the way through the bad times.. sigh.. just couldn't communicate and he didn't treat me so good and got very angry..

I feel bad today and sad.. I think this might be screwing with my head more then I realize..

I just feel lonely and needy.. and well you know the rest.. I would never ever do it with anyone else.. sigh.. but I kind of tell myself I am still married so this is ok... nobody else knows my older kids do..... But I want so much more then just sex..

I realise it might just be for the feelings for him.. he doesn't love me.. and that is all it is just the act.. I just cannot seem to let that part go..

Is it worth it... and of course I do not know for sure if there is anyone else which could be dangerous to my health.. sigh..

I just want to be loved for me.. and I wish all this had not happened.. and I could have a normal loving relationship... He knows I am lonely.. and I guess vulnerable.. but I could of just not done it.. so both our faults.. sigh..

I hope you don't take this any way but positively.
Yes, he is your legal husband but I fear you are letting him use you and you are not showing him your true worth. He is getting the benefits and not needing to earn them in any way by seeing your worth as a woman and wife.
You are separated for a reason. Til you actually work at that or those problems which are the root of your separation, you are almost rewarding the situation. I'm not criticizing you. I understand the emotions you must be feeling about all this but there is a reason you're not feeling good about doing what you're doing. Remind yourself you are worth more than being taken for granted. May God bless you.

 

[peacechild4]

It tears me up just to have responses.. I cannot answer right now.. but I will think upon what is said.. just thanks..

 

[Jakihe]

It tears me up just to have responses.. I cannot answer right now.. but I will think upon what is said.. just thanks..

I said a prayer for you.

 

[peacechild4]

I am tearing up again.. thank you.. I guess a woman is just emotinally wired.. and although I have done all I can for this man.. I cannot deal with the rejection any longer.. I want the lot with someone who will love me back.. I have wanted it for a very long time.. and I believe I will when I just let go... GOD is so good..

 

[peacechild4]

This is what I liken it too.. this story reminds me of what I need to do like this little girl..

[SIZE=-1]The Pearl Necklace

The cheerful girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them: a circle of glistening white pearls in a pink foil box.

"Oh please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please!"
Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl's upturned face.
"A dollar ninety-five. That's almost $2.00. If you really want them, I'll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself. Your birthday's only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma."
As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents.
On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough money to buy the necklace.
Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere--Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.
Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night when he finished the story, he asked Jenny, "Do you love me?"
"Oh yes, Daddy. You know that I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh, Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess--the white horse from my collection. The one with the pink tail. Remember, Daddy? The one you gave me. She's my favorite."
"That's okay, Honey. Daddy loves you. Good night." And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.
About a week later, after the story time, Jenny's daddy asked again, "Do you love me?"
"Daddy, you know I love you."
"Then give me your pearls."
"Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my babydoll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is so beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper."
"That's okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one. Daddy loves you." And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.
A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian-style. As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.
"What is it, Jenny? What's the matter?"
Jenny didn't say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver,she finally said, "Here, Daddy. It's for you."
With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny's kind daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime-store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny.

He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her genuine treasure.
What are you hanging on to?
--- Author Unknown [/SIZE]​

 

[JanniGirl]

Wow. I like that story.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe its time for you to move on. After all, every princess needs a prince worthy of her affections.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Unless there is a real possibility of reconciliation... This can't be a good thing in the long run, just causing more emotional pain.

Biblically speaking, divorce requires putting away...seperation. The man was not allowed to divorce his wife and keep her around. What your husband is doing is not only unfair but wrong. He's supposed to be providing you with food, clothing and marital duty which includes, affection and friendship as well as relations, other wise he is to divorce you and set you free so you can find someone who will love you.

 

[peacechild4]

Sigh.. aww... that is beautiful Autumn Leaf.. YES I will agree with you because I want to see my worth and live from that because it is how every person should live and be treated..

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Peacechhild,
You are so brave to share that part of your life. But I'm glad you did for that is real life that so often the church doesn't want to admit let alone discuss.

I don't think you did anything wrong. As most of the answers above deal with your emotional state. From my understanding there is no way your marriage is going to be restored. So if you have that settled in your heart. The in my mind you just have to be in the state of mind that the good sex you have with your husband is just that sex and sex that will help you for night but no more. So I'd say be thankful for that and keep moving toward where you and God want you to be. Only you know if you can do that or if abstaining will be better for you emotionally.

Me, I'd find the sex was way better than abstaining. Am I a guy or what ... LOL
Blessings,
dayhiker

 

[peacechild4]

Ha... LOL... gee it is refreshing to be able to discuss stuff like this.. my husband has been flirting badly and being much nicer.. but guess what things change.. I am not going to do this anymore.. because I want more then just sex.. much much more..

I met someone online.. actually through CF.. and although he is a long way away.. it is possible for GOD.. he is a believer.. and I am happier..

I will abstain... till I get to the right place.. and the desire is thankfully not as consuming as it once was.. far out.. I never wanted it so bad as I did not long ago.. LOL
I guess I am still very human..

Thanks brother.. I so need to talk to understanding friends right now and I need prayers.. I cannot go back.. I cry and it just isn't happening for me in that place..

But I have hope with this new special person.. and last night.. as I was praying and crying.. sigh.. GOD said to me.. every good gift comes down from me.. my tears dried up.. I felt comforted.. that this new special friend and I guess you could say lover of my heart.. is good and kind and listens.. and I believe GOD sent him..

 

[myredeemer3]

Unless there is a real possibility of reconciliation... This can't be a good thing in the long run, just causing more emotional pain.

Biblically speaking, divorce requires putting away...seperation. The man was not allowed to divorce his wife and keep her around. What your husband is doing is not only unfair but wrong. He's supposed to be providing you with food, clothing and marital duty which includes, affection and friendship as well as relations, other wise he is to divorce you and set you free so you can find someone who will love you.

Please tell me where this is in the Bible. I need help in this area also and I want to know what it is God wants me, and peacechild4, to know about this struggle.

 

[jham123]

Ha... LOL... gee it is refreshing to be able to discuss stuff like this.. my husband has been flirting badly and being much nicer.. but guess what things change.. I am not going to do this anymore.. because I want more then just sex.. much much more..

I met someone online.. actually through CF.. and although he is a long way away.. it is possible for GOD.. he is a believer.. and I am happier..

OK, Stop right there......

You say a bit of time apart is helping his demeanor in a positive way, yet then you add that you are going to stop all the forward progress over a LD online fantasy romance?

Do you hear yourself?

Yes, all the comfort sex is not ideal, yes you pine for Him. Still bringing a third party into the mix could only be described as "confusing" at best.

Please, This is a game, and you were turning the tide with your charms.....Maybe the time apart has "re-set" the relationship to an area it was from years past when things were good.

Sometimes that reset takes a bit of time to be recognized, you bring in another man.....and He'll just use that to further his resolve to leave you in the first place.

"a game" you say??

When is Love not a game? Answer that one before asking me....

Back on topic, Love is patient.....practice your patience and just keep using your charms......I thought I was hearing improvements.....I could be wrong

 

[dayhiker]

jham,
I think you missed something. He is flirting and being nicer to get some sex. That isn't a change in ones inner nature like Jesus does. As I guy I know and have seen guys do a lot of tings to appear good to get in a girl's &&&&ies. A woman should never take a man back and ignore that point. Now should we council someone to ignore that and think flirting moves mean a person has changes their nature.

dayhiker

 

[jham123]

Well, from her first post in another thread, at least he is talking to her and being pleasant versus ignoring her.

That is where I gauge the improvement from.

What if the beginning of their love affair included a lot of flirting?? They are reverting back to a stage where they found happiness in each other and the pain that built up over the past two decades may be fading with the separation.

If He is just using her, it will be revealed in a few months......if she gets nasty with him now, we'll never know will we?

They've been together for 20 years and she loves him.....He ain't gonna do anything heinous to her....let it play out. The only harm is that they lose a few months while they figure this stage out. Trust me, in a 20 year marriage, a few months is a drop in the bucket. She's not risking anything.

Sometimes a person forgets what it was that they were attracted to. He may be viewing her as a woman now that he is not with her anymore.....he may have only been viewing her as a wife and mother...

Now, in his mind, she may be starting to look like an attractive female once again. IF she plays her cards right and it becomes all about fun and joy.......maybe the marriage will be reset.

There are no "rules" when we are dealing with relationships....if there were....the Pastor/Preacher would hand you book right after you say "I do"

I appreciate you trying to look after her Dayhiker, I just would rather do anything that leads to reconciliation of a couple that has 20 years under the bridge and 4 blessings that need BOTH a Dad and a Mom while growing to adulthood.

 

[jham123]

He will give me sex on the odd occasion but nothing more.. and we are still attracted to each other that way... is it wrong?? We never had problems in that area... it was always good all the way through the bad times.. sigh.. just couldn't communicate and he didn't treat me so good and got very angry..

my husband has been flirting badly and being much nicer.. but guess what things change..

So the days between these two post show a marked improvement.....I just don't want to see her pull the plug just at the last crucial moment when reconciliation may be so close.

 

[peacechild4]

Do you know how long I hung with his man???????? 15 years.. almost all our married life.. praying.. pleading... crying.. and the moment I go forward which has been hard enough.. he changes??? what the??? Satan has screwed me through this man long enough.. sorry harsh words here.. and now he is doing it again.. if GOD was going to bring this man back.. why now.. why when I move on and go through all the separation.... that is not GOD.. that is satan trying to steal my happiness yet again.. I cry when I think of my husband.. when I did flirt with him... I found myself becoming much less a person.. oh the good stuff yes is nice.. but I foolishly found someone else about 6 months ago.. online and met him a few times to talk.. and then stuffed the whole thing up.. my mistake.. but my husband became nice then too despite I was troubled and I told him then everything too.. and yet when it all fell apart and I wanted more.. he went back to his old ways.. That period really screwed with me emotionally and thankfully I learnt something..

He is often jeckle and hyde.. he is not a believer either.. I have peace now.. and no condemnation in my heart for moving forward.. I am going to do it.. go for it.. I am not afraid.. I am getting judged though.. but I see satan raise his ugly head everytime something good happens and I expect that.. but I am not going to roll over and be trampled on anymore.. I deserve the full happiness and blessing of GOD..

Sure I hung in there a long time.. and I don't know why this happened.. it doesn't make sense at all. but GOD says don't lean on my own understanding.. that HE will make my paths straight..

I loved my husband with all of my heart and it didn't work.. GOD is bringing me someone else.. because HE told me that every good gift is from heaven.. HIM.. it dries my tears.. I love GOD and I am ready for what HE has for me.. and I will do right by all..

 

[jdaniel]

I Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Compare that to your relationship with your husband and see if it fits. It sounds like it sure doesn't on his end. However, you can only control your own actions. I can not claim to begin to understand your situation and the pain you endure, for I am young and have no experience with your situation. However, Jesus said in Matthew 5:32 "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." Although, you say that your husband is not a believer, and that puts you in a bit of a pickle, for II Corinthians 6:14 says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." However, I Corinthians 7:13 says, "And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him." (I suggest you read that in context; I believe your situation is a bit different from the one that he was addressing.) In light of these things, judge for yourself whether it is right to seek a relationship with another man while you are married. I hope that I have not seemed condemning; you are in a difficult situation, and I feel for you. I also fear that what I have said may only add to your confusion. Just remember to rely on our Comforter for comfort and our Father for love (though I recognize that love from humans [especially one's spouse] is very important).