Separated and Finally Free

[Daysgirl]

Hello,
I am new to this forum. I stumbled across it while looking for scriptural information concering Christian separation and divorce. My husband and I have been separated for 2 months now. While a weight has been lifted - I no longer have to deal with the gambling, the accusations, the demeaning comments, constant arguing, my bills are paid (because $ isnt being gambled away or blown).. I am left with this; what happened? feeling. Is THIS really the man I married? Is THIS man really treating the mother of his children this way? I mean, we have 2 boys - and he's choosing not to support them. He is in no way being agreeable - and HE is the one who left and asked for legal separation documents, which he now refuses to sign. The whole walking out, leaving me, asking for papers was all a familiar game of manipulation. But he didnt count on my having had enough. Is there any advice out there for me?

I know separation and divorce is hard. But, does it have to be UGLY? I want to protect my kids. I want them to see us happy apart. Not miserable together. The whole while we were married, my husband moved from job to job to job. He literally had 6 different jobs in 2011! There was never any financial, emotional, or spiritual security. He twisted the Word of God on so many occassions to manipulate a situation and get his way. I recogize my error in meeting and marrying a man within 6 months. We did complete pre marriage counseling. But HIS home church, I'm ashamed to say - is NOT led by a real Man of God. I kept doubting MYSELF and MY FEELINGS and belived in my husband. The preacher at his home church even convinced my husband not to tell me he had fallen back into gambling. What man of God would suggest that a Husband lie to his Wife? We went to a different church, and I thought we were growing in Christ together. I was wrong. A leopard cannot change its spots. All the same issues resurfaced.

Now, I am FREE! I am not looking back. I just am wondering if there are any reasons for him to be acting so cold about a situation he said he wanted in the first place. I have counseled with the leadership of my church and while they do not wish for my marriage to fail - the phrases - "not equally yoked" and "priest, prophet, provider" came up. My husband claims to be saved and born again, but if he were, I would have seen the fruit of his repentance. He would have stopped the gambling. he would have stopped the pornography. he would have supported his family willingly. He would have treated and spoken to me in love.

If anyone has gone through this before, at what point are you able to take away the hurt feelings, accept our parts in the failed marriage, and move forward for Christ, coparenting, etc and being better people - apart?

 

[gods prophetess]

hi i know how you feel ive gone thru some of this in one of my marriages and i just finally had to fully release him to god and just pray he wanted to keep living the life of nonbeliever and still try to be a believer of christ at the same time but you cant do this for the bible says no man can serve two masters i did however give him a choice and he chose the life of the devil partyuing drinking etc with his friends and drugs and whatever else thay he was doing with his friends it hurt me but i learned a valuble lesson on this situation never to get in volved again with a man like this he always had to test god when he went to church and god would slain him in the holy spirit after church he would go home and test to see if he was delivered from the drinking,drugs and such if ys know what i mean it took me awhile to get thru this even after i divorced him and he at one time or another but we only had one kid and she was at my dads house when all this happened so she was protected untill after all this mess with him was over but god helped me thru all this and he can help you also ill be praying for you ok be encouraged keep the faith

 

[Daysgirl]

I understand where you are coming from. I have a peace within me, that I have to give it all to God. That calms my spirit. The antics, however, from the husband really work my nerves to say the least. I know God has better for me! I pity my husband that he is this way and that he doesnt want more for himself, or for his family. I pray that he truly gives his life to the Lord. Thank you for the encouragement and the prayers. ~Be blessed, Cherrie.

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Daysgirl,
So sorry you had to go thru that.
It really doesn' sound like your husband was saved. If it was one or two of those issues and he had some honesty about dealing with them, then I would have said he probably was saved but just having a hard time in those areas. But your description of him, doesn't sound saved to me. As you pretty much say, he was using Christianity to manipulate you and no doubt his pastor too.

There are people who get along after a divorce. But I don't see that happening with yours. Sorry. He is who he is and divorce wouldn't change him. So move on, limit contact with him. Consult your divorce lawyer. Don't give him any money. I would say get a hold of all the money you two had together you can, but sound like he blew that.

dayhiker ....

 

[Daysgirl]

Hi Daysgirl,
So sorry you had to go thru that.
It really doesn' sound like your husband was saved. If it was one or two of those issues and he had some honesty about dealing with them, then I would have said he probably was saved but just having a hard time in those areas. But your description of him, doesn't sound saved to me. As you pretty much say, he was using Christianity to manipulate you and no doubt his pastor too.

There are people who get along after a divorce. But I don't see that happening with yours. Sorry. He is who he is and divorce wouldn't change him. So move on, limit contact with him. Consult your divorce lawyer. Don't give him any money. I would say get a hold of all the money you two had together you can, but sound like he blew that.

dayhiker ....

Thank you for your response, Dayhiker,
I am in agreement with you that my husband is not truly saved. I feel such regret for him. That he does not know Jesus like I do. To date, he still refuses to sign the separation documents he requested and he even said our Pastor told him not to sign them until we meet with him. I asked our Pastor if this was true and of course, it was a lie. My Pastor said he would never advise either party not to sign an agreement that outlines support for the children and a visitation schedule. Wow! He even lied on our Pastor! He also has a new lady-friend (I bet the poor girl has no clue) that he communicates with several times a day.

He has resorted to contacting mutual friends of ours to plead his case. I have been very careful NOT to talk to OUR mutual friends in detail about this situation. I have consulted with my pastors, and other Christian, married people I trust. He is telling them he is wearing his wedding ring again (yes he removed his ring within 3 wks) and he misses his family and wants his family back. Well, I'm sure what he really misses is free room and board because I paid all the bills. He has Never been able to give me what i needed to pay the bills - there was always an excuse. This went on so long I quit asking and separated the bank accounts some had no access to my paycheck which took care of everything. I never asked him to be Donald Trump, I just wanted what he had brought to the household table BEFORE he went and blew it on....who knows what.

I don't know.... I am just really disgusted by the whole thing. And while initially I had hoped that separation would cause him to come to his senses, every day I am shown a reason why I need to continue on this path without him as my husband.

Asking for continued prayers for strength and wisdom.

Thanks so much. Be blessed.

 

[Daysgirl]

Sadly, any wooing done on his part will not be to win me back. It would be for selfish gain, self preservation because he has already proven he cannot provide for himself, take care of himself, let alone provide for and take care of a family. Thanks for the optimism though.