- Nov 9, 2003
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This past weekend, I went to a Christian event. I was told what happens at the event stays at the event. Maybe it’s for the sake of others, but I guess I’m allowed to share what I experienced? Well, here’s hoping I’m not doing something wrong. Sometimes, I actually don’t care and I want the whole world to know how mad I am. But wait—isn’t that asking for pity? I don’t want that either. Another damned catch-22. Plus, God’s grace is sufficient for me right? So, in the end, this rant doesn’t change my standing in His eyes, right?
He can handle this less-than-stellar review, right? Something dark seems to have risen up in me. Sometimes I’m too afraid to embrace it but also simultaneously know that I need to face it. This weekend was supposed to be my deliverance, healing, and filling with the holy spirit. I feel that I am not better off than before. I’m told that I’m listening to the lies of the enemy. It’s hard to stop believing them when it’s all I’ve ever felt… as if it’s a part of my DNA. I listen to over and over again about how I am a child of God and that I am royalty and that I am loved. Yet it doesn’t seem to get through to me. Her are fantastic lyrics to a 90’s song that explains this phenomenon:
He’s everything you want
He’s everything you need
He’s everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don’t know why
For some reason, someone could say the nicest words to me, give me the most extravagant gifts, do the nicest act of service but somehow I don’t feel loved. Therefore, I feel bad that it didn’t move me like I expected.
The same Christians who tell you that you can’t live by feelings boast about how much love, peace, and joy they feel from God. Here I am, feeling like a fool for standing there in a crowd of overjoyed brothers raising their hands in praise and worship as I beg for these feelings. My wife told me that they were doing BECAUSE of God’s love not to get it. So, I guess I should have just sat there the entire time because mostly I didn’t feel it. In my mind, I was trying to be obedient and maybe God would zap some love into me. I feel like, once again, I did it all wrong. I feel a voice, probably from Satan, telling me… “Boohoo…you’re just a big baby whining that you didn’t get to feel any good emotions. HAHAHAHA! Loser… some witness you are…”. etc, etc, ad naseum Well, screw you, Satan.
I was told to come expecting and to be SELFISH. During a time of praise and worship, it was time to ask for the filling of the Holy Spirit. As others were praising God and laying down on the floor feeling his presence, I got what felt like a spiritual attack. Anxiety and fear took over after I spent so long trying my best to reach out to God. What the hell?! I complained to others that maybe it’s just not my time, but they were so sure of themselves. However, yet another event that I went to— trying my HARDEST not to believe those damned lies of the enemy but somehow I couldn’t stop them. I feel like I’m almost a heretic for even complaining about this! I feel like I am bringing shame on the people who helped make this possible for me… that I am besmirching their ministry because I can’t fall in line with the rest of the crowd who felt they were rocked by God. Maybe my expectations to actually feel an overpoweringly amazing good emotion was asking for too much. I was told I need to release the lies and that I should cry out for it. Raise my voice—yell even. I’m told it’s a free gift and that I get it because I’m a child of God. Why should I have to beg for what I am entitled it? I don’t have an entitlement attitude at all—but I do try to fight for what is supposedly rightfully mine. I will admit I am frustrated and mad…maybe even at God. Not a place I want to be. I know His ways are always good. So, clearly, the finger gets pointed right back at me. Clearly, I’M the problem if I’m not getting better.
At one point, I remember feeling this overwhelming sadness and was crying. I think the subject was family hurts. I know there was some stuff I went through growing up, and I did forgive the family members and others who I felt I needed to forgive. However, the message of how much I am deeply loved was being driven home…literally by the pounding of a nail into Jesus’ wrist and feet. I felt a sense of gratitude for what He did for me. Yet, I got hung up on the sentence, “Jay, he died for YOU.” Sure, he died for me. And billions of other people. He died for all of us. For some reason, my heart cannot receive a personalized love message from God. It would almost take God himself, or maybe an angel with a message, to convince me. Some MAJOR sign of heaven. That I am loved…and somehow me believing it to the point it actually TRULY changed me. Just some other human telling me… and me not feeling the corresponding emotions…is not enough. I need to EXPERIENCE it myself. Thus far, 33 years and counting, I feel that I am still on the outside looking in. Like a secret society of brothers and sisters who have somehow figured it out—somehow pushed past all the pain and hurt and found the right combinations of synapses in their brain to dare to believe that are loved…. which triggered some hormonal response of serotonin to release endorphins all over their body proving this very fact. All I could feel is the overwhelming feeling of “Why?” As soon as my heart dared to accept the fact in my vulnerable emotional state, it just simply had a hard time accepting it. “Why God? WHY do you love me? I don’t understand… Why do I NEED to be loved? Why do I NEED a Father?”
After this event, I am left feeling bitter. And one more question popped into my head… What is wrong with me? Could it be that because of my sins, or even because of my upbringing and subsequent response to it (bad behavior), that I have somehow sealed myself off from feeling love? Why am I like this? What did I do to deserve this? I feel that I wasn’t treated THAT badly and that I didn’t ACT that badly. When I bring these thoughts up— I am told that these questions are all based on lies. Ok, so be it… they are lies. That doesn’t change the fact that I still feel an immense OVERPOWERING belief in them. For someone to change, something has to change right? What if I don’t have the willpower or strength to change on my own? Am I not at the complete mercy of God to deliver me from this? If I am not able to pray it away or do enough GOOD things to deserve it, what other hope do I have save for a miracle from God?
Underneath all this tormenting emotional pain is my selfish cry for love. It’s more pronounced now than ever. Apparently, I have discovered that I am a lot more messed up than I thought. I have no idea how I got here, and feel like it will take the most advanced deliverance ministry on this planet to break through. It doesn’t match up to the road I’ve walked down. I haven’t been to some of the low places others have been to. Yet, my soul is somehow to full of pain to accept love? How can I break through this? I will not give up…
He can handle this less-than-stellar review, right? Something dark seems to have risen up in me. Sometimes I’m too afraid to embrace it but also simultaneously know that I need to face it. This weekend was supposed to be my deliverance, healing, and filling with the holy spirit. I feel that I am not better off than before. I’m told that I’m listening to the lies of the enemy. It’s hard to stop believing them when it’s all I’ve ever felt… as if it’s a part of my DNA. I listen to over and over again about how I am a child of God and that I am royalty and that I am loved. Yet it doesn’t seem to get through to me. Her are fantastic lyrics to a 90’s song that explains this phenomenon:
He’s everything you want
He’s everything you need
He’s everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don’t know why
For some reason, someone could say the nicest words to me, give me the most extravagant gifts, do the nicest act of service but somehow I don’t feel loved. Therefore, I feel bad that it didn’t move me like I expected.
The same Christians who tell you that you can’t live by feelings boast about how much love, peace, and joy they feel from God. Here I am, feeling like a fool for standing there in a crowd of overjoyed brothers raising their hands in praise and worship as I beg for these feelings. My wife told me that they were doing BECAUSE of God’s love not to get it. So, I guess I should have just sat there the entire time because mostly I didn’t feel it. In my mind, I was trying to be obedient and maybe God would zap some love into me. I feel like, once again, I did it all wrong. I feel a voice, probably from Satan, telling me… “Boohoo…you’re just a big baby whining that you didn’t get to feel any good emotions. HAHAHAHA! Loser… some witness you are…”. etc, etc, ad naseum Well, screw you, Satan.
I was told to come expecting and to be SELFISH. During a time of praise and worship, it was time to ask for the filling of the Holy Spirit. As others were praising God and laying down on the floor feeling his presence, I got what felt like a spiritual attack. Anxiety and fear took over after I spent so long trying my best to reach out to God. What the hell?! I complained to others that maybe it’s just not my time, but they were so sure of themselves. However, yet another event that I went to— trying my HARDEST not to believe those damned lies of the enemy but somehow I couldn’t stop them. I feel like I’m almost a heretic for even complaining about this! I feel like I am bringing shame on the people who helped make this possible for me… that I am besmirching their ministry because I can’t fall in line with the rest of the crowd who felt they were rocked by God. Maybe my expectations to actually feel an overpoweringly amazing good emotion was asking for too much. I was told I need to release the lies and that I should cry out for it. Raise my voice—yell even. I’m told it’s a free gift and that I get it because I’m a child of God. Why should I have to beg for what I am entitled it? I don’t have an entitlement attitude at all—but I do try to fight for what is supposedly rightfully mine. I will admit I am frustrated and mad…maybe even at God. Not a place I want to be. I know His ways are always good. So, clearly, the finger gets pointed right back at me. Clearly, I’M the problem if I’m not getting better.
At one point, I remember feeling this overwhelming sadness and was crying. I think the subject was family hurts. I know there was some stuff I went through growing up, and I did forgive the family members and others who I felt I needed to forgive. However, the message of how much I am deeply loved was being driven home…literally by the pounding of a nail into Jesus’ wrist and feet. I felt a sense of gratitude for what He did for me. Yet, I got hung up on the sentence, “Jay, he died for YOU.” Sure, he died for me. And billions of other people. He died for all of us. For some reason, my heart cannot receive a personalized love message from God. It would almost take God himself, or maybe an angel with a message, to convince me. Some MAJOR sign of heaven. That I am loved…and somehow me believing it to the point it actually TRULY changed me. Just some other human telling me… and me not feeling the corresponding emotions…is not enough. I need to EXPERIENCE it myself. Thus far, 33 years and counting, I feel that I am still on the outside looking in. Like a secret society of brothers and sisters who have somehow figured it out—somehow pushed past all the pain and hurt and found the right combinations of synapses in their brain to dare to believe that are loved…. which triggered some hormonal response of serotonin to release endorphins all over their body proving this very fact. All I could feel is the overwhelming feeling of “Why?” As soon as my heart dared to accept the fact in my vulnerable emotional state, it just simply had a hard time accepting it. “Why God? WHY do you love me? I don’t understand… Why do I NEED to be loved? Why do I NEED a Father?”
After this event, I am left feeling bitter. And one more question popped into my head… What is wrong with me? Could it be that because of my sins, or even because of my upbringing and subsequent response to it (bad behavior), that I have somehow sealed myself off from feeling love? Why am I like this? What did I do to deserve this? I feel that I wasn’t treated THAT badly and that I didn’t ACT that badly. When I bring these thoughts up— I am told that these questions are all based on lies. Ok, so be it… they are lies. That doesn’t change the fact that I still feel an immense OVERPOWERING belief in them. For someone to change, something has to change right? What if I don’t have the willpower or strength to change on my own? Am I not at the complete mercy of God to deliver me from this? If I am not able to pray it away or do enough GOOD things to deserve it, what other hope do I have save for a miracle from God?
Underneath all this tormenting emotional pain is my selfish cry for love. It’s more pronounced now than ever. Apparently, I have discovered that I am a lot more messed up than I thought. I have no idea how I got here, and feel like it will take the most advanced deliverance ministry on this planet to break through. It doesn’t match up to the road I’ve walked down. I haven’t been to some of the low places others have been to. Yet, my soul is somehow to full of pain to accept love? How can I break through this? I will not give up…