Self Abuse?

[IntoTheCrimsonSky]

Hi Everyone,

Over the past years I've been struggling with chosing between what I feel is right for me in my life, and what would make people around me happier/not hurt them. In most cases I chose the not hurting..and neglect myself. The more recent months this has gotten to the point that I actually feel guilty for 'anything' I might want or feel or think, unless it is purely someone else's desire for me. It feels selfish.

I've come to look at this as self abuse. I think so lowly of myself most of the time now that I will actually abuse myself both mentally and physically on a daily basis and feel that ANYTHING my mind wants is evil. And no, I'm not actually 'hurting' myself..but its more in the way of not eating when I should be (sometimes making myself sick by going way too long before I eat), sleeping in untill like 1pm and then spending the day doing nothing productive because I guess I'm too depressed to.

Anyway, has anyone else had to deal with this kind of self abuse? To actually come down on yourself to such an extent that you wish you didn't even 'have' your own desires and thoughts? It's so hard. I thank God for showing me that this is happening, though. I'm just trying to force myself to fight it..even though that feels selfish too. : \ And to make it even worse, anyone around me offline (other than my counsellor) thinks I'm totally happy and content. I feel selfish showing that I'm not happy here..and that I want different things from them. Especially now that I've decieved them for so long..it'll hurt them more. Sigh.

Any opinions, experience, prayers would be appreciated. This board is one of the few things I really find comfort in now.

Blessings and Love,
Sarah

 

[madison1101]

It sounds like you need to discuss these things with a therapist. You have some issues that you are dealing with by neglecting your personal care, and that is unhealthy. The risk of becoming anorexic is high with your starving yourself the way you describe.

See a licensed psychotherapist and ask for help.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[restore]

Have u had a hard life, and someone abused u before?
I m in your same boat, so i understand....

 

[IntoTheCrimsonSky]

It sounds like you need to discuss these things with a therapist. You have some issues that you are dealing with by neglecting your personal care, and that is unhealthy. The risk of becoming anorexic is high with your starving yourself the way you describe.

See a licensed psychotherapist and ask for help.

Hugs,
Trish

Firstly, I should have maybe worded the eating thing differently. It's not like that. I'd never actually starve myself. If anything, I'm worried about diabeties and stuff from not having proper protien when my body probably needs it. I don't actually decide not to eat, like anorexia, but rather allow myself to let other things come first. =\ My mom is actually doing the same thing to herself with the current stress issues, but it's effecting my health worse I think.

I think it comes down to the fact that when I leave the computer in the morning to go eat, it means the stress of the day has to start..so I just prolong it too long.

Also, I am already seeing my doctor for counselling. I just feel guilty about it sometimes, so it's hard for me to make appointments. =\

*Hugs*

Have u had a hard life, and someone abused u before?
I m in your same boat, so i understand....

A very hard life, but it never seemed that way to me. It was just..life, I guess. I've been homeschooled since grade 6 and from the age of 13 I've stayed home almost all the time to help out and such, due to health issues at home. So it's been sheltered. It never really got to me, though. Not untill the past couple years.

I think that when I started letting other people become first in everything I did and allowed myself to lose control of my own life, that I started to control myself inward. So, abuse myself. =\ It's kinda like trying to leave an abusive relationship but they're living inside of you. *lol*

I really do thank God that He's showing me this, though. For so long I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt so..unworthy to be alive, because all I ever did was hurt others and hurt myself. Now that I 'see' it as self abuse, rather than being a failure at everything there's a chance to work through it.

Thanks for the replies, guys.

Sarah

 

[heymikey80]

Over the past years I've been struggling with chosing between what I feel is right for me in my life, and what would make people around me happier/not hurt them. In most cases I chose the not hurting..and neglect myself. The more recent months this has gotten to the point that I actually feel guilty for 'anything' I might want or feel or think, unless it is purely someone else's desire for me. It feels selfish.

There are people who care about you specifically -- but there are also people who care about your behavior because of over-worrying "what it might mean", "where it might lead", or even just for their reputation as your superior or leader. Some you need to stand up to. You are yourself, after all.

Granted, there are wise people who will point out, some actions leave you vulnerable. People rebel, like for instance dating non-Christians or accompanying people who break the law -- who really are criminals. These actions really do lead you the wrong way. Unless you're quite a strong Christian (which you're not indicating you are), I wouldn't recommend them at all.

But there are also overly-vigilant people: people who find nothing good about what you like to wear; people who require you to eat certain things, say certain things, act a certain way. "These things only seem to be wise ... but they're of no value in stopping sensual indulgence."

Your submission to authority is commendable to a point. Please, I don't advise you to throw it away, it could actually save you from a world of hurt. But could it be your identity is being submerged in someone else's detailed restrictions? If so you'll need to let that identity out. Even if it displeases some people. You don't have to rebel against every authority, either. But you do need to discover when someone authoritative like God is issuing a command, and when a lesser authority is doing so. The difference can be extremely important.

I've come to look at this as self abuse. I think so lowly of myself most of the time now that I will actually abuse myself both mentally and physically on a daily basis and feel that ANYTHING my mind wants is evil. And no, I'm not actually 'hurting' myself..but its more in the way of not eating when I should be (sometimes making myself sick by going way too long before I eat), sleeping in untill like 1pm and then spending the day doing nothing productive because I guess I'm too depressed to.

Anyway, has anyone else had to deal with this kind of self abuse? To actually come down on yourself to such an extent that you wish you didn't even 'have' your own desires and thoughts? It's so hard. I thank God for showing me that this is happening, though. I'm just trying to force myself to fight it..even though that feels selfish too. : \ And to make it even worse, anyone around me offline (other than my counsellor) thinks I'm totally happy and content. I feel selfish showing that I'm not happy here..and that I want different things from them. Especially now that I've decieved them for so long..it'll hurt them more. Sigh.

Any opinions, experience, prayers would be appreciated. This board is one of the few things I really find comfort in now.

Blessings and Love,
Sarah

God is concerned about you. If you express any concern for God, it should reflect this same concern for yourself. Suppressing yourself to make others happy, that's not what God wants. God wants you to be righteous, yes. But you can be righteous while being yourself. In fact I hope you'll spend an eternity being yourself and being righteous!

So get your training in now. Please don't use this as a license for rebellion. Some bad things will happen once you try this. Don't rebel against everybody because of it; and don't wither your own person by thinking, "Oh, if only I'd been just a little more subservient." God made you as yourself. God knows you. He wants you to live -- He made you.

And happy birthday!

 

[x0xJesusIsLovex0x]

What can kind of help, is talk to a really good friend or a love one whom are really close too. And don't worry, I'm praying for you. I'm in the same problem you are in too. Don't worry, God is there. Make Him hear you, talk to Him, pray to Him.

 

[madison1101]

Firstly, I should have maybe worded the eating thing differently. It's not like that. I'd never actually starve myself. If anything, I'm worried about diabeties and stuff from not having proper protien when my body probably needs it. I don't actually decide not to eat, like anorexia, but rather allow myself to let other things come first. =\ My mom is actually doing the same thing to herself with the current stress issues, but it's effecting my health worse I think.

I think it comes down to the fact that when I leave the computer in the morning to go eat, it means the stress of the day has to start..so I just prolong it too long.

Also, I am already seeing my doctor for counselling. I just feel guilty about it sometimes, so it's hard for me to make appointments. =\

*Hugs*



A very hard life, but it never seemed that way to me. It was just..life, I guess. I've been homeschooled since grade 6 and from the age of 13 I've stayed home almost all the time to help out and such, due to health issues at home. So it's been sheltered. It never really got to me, though. Not untill the past couple years.

I think that when I started letting other people become first in everything I did and allowed myself to lose control of my own life, that I started to control myself inward. So, abuse myself. =\ It's kinda like trying to leave an abusive relationship but they're living inside of you. *lol*

I really do thank God that He's showing me this, though. For so long I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt so..unworthy to be alive, because all I ever did was hurt others and hurt myself. Now that I 'see' it as self abuse, rather than being a failure at everything there's a chance to work through it.

Thanks for the replies, guys.

Sarah

You need help in identifying your needs and learning to put yourself, and your relationship with the Lord first. It sounds like you have been a caregiver, and are constantly putting others before your own needs. That is good, and bad at the same time.

Taking care of yourself and not putting others' needs first is not a bad thing. If you do not learn to take care of yourself, then you will not be there for others when they need you. Burn out is not a pretty thing. I have been there way too many times.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[IntoTheCrimsonSky]

Thanks guys..there's been some really wonderful suggestions made above and I really appreciate it. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I don't really have the opportunity to be around any friends (don't really 'have' any offline anymore) who can be a support, like suggested above..so all I pretty much have is here.

THe general idea seems to be that I need to start to put myself first, and learn that it's not a 'bad' thing. I guess I've been so..used to believing that it was, that it's hard to train my mind out of that way of thinking. Whenever I'd try to, I'd put myself in a guilt trip about it.

Recently, God's shown me that I need to see this "Abusive" side of me as a seperate person, so to speak. One that I can speak back to when it tries to hurt me, or stop me from doing something good. That way I seperate the positive aspects from the negative and can better recognize which side is reacting. It's amazing how this has been helping ,even in the small things.

Some bad stuff's happened the past few days that's depressed me again, but I'm fighting it. And learnign to lean on God in ways I never did before. =\ I know I'll get through it, I just hope I can get through it by means of 'not' hitting complete rock bottom first. Please pray for that.

Again, thanks guys.

Sarah

 

[restore]

Sarah,that's going to be a long way to go , I was from abusive envorionment and I feel it maybe willl even take another few years, i m already fighting for about my whole life.....but what else can we do? if we give up and all efforts will just be gone.....If we do not want to be back to old bitter life , we must keep on trying hard, and i also know most people will be v hard to reach out a hand to us cuz we r living in a weird situation, so most important for us is, learn to really talk and more closer to the lord in person. Take the risk to only trust in the lord ane rely on the lord. I m doing that myself now. But it is hard cuz sometiems really feel the lord is not here.........it needs practising and put the Lord as our first love. Just believe He will offer a door even if we do not see or feel.

Keep on posting and also talk to people who r loving and willing to listen. Also keep on praying , and also start to pray for others.

 

[Johnnz]

When Jesus told us that God knows us by name and the number of hairs on our heads He was saying that each person is inestimably precious to God. Jesus does not love nothings.

Start seeing yourself as a precious person, as someone lovable and able to love, someone with gifts and talents and capabilities that God wants to flower.

Bless you
John
NZ