Hi everyone,
I guess for ease of terms I would call myself an "agnostic" and generally don't have faith in any sort of afterlife existence and lately this has been a driving force for my existential depression. I get severe panic attacks from seeing even photographs, thinking about how quickly time is going by, the fear of eventually having to say goodbye to my loved ones, and my ultimate fear of my own death and oblivion and wiping away everythign and everyone I love here on earth. It hurts my heart that I cannot freeze time. I am only 25 but I am so utterly terrified that the best and happiest years of my life are behind me, because from here on out it's treating aches and pains from aging even if I'm in good shape, and watching my favorite aunts and uncles and parents grow old and grey and lose the youthful spark I saw in their eyes growing up. I feel as though I'm already an elderly woman on her deathbed because I constantly text and call family to let them know I love them so much because I'm terrified that those might be my last words. I have the sensation of needing to get my affairs in order to be prepared to "check out" even though I have no health problems outside of my mental health.
These feelings reached a fever pitch last month when a friend of mine lost his life in a car accident. I started having panic because he was only 24, and had hopes and dreams and goals and I wanted to know that he was okay and safe, but my mind kept telling me death was just an "off switch" and I felt a chill to my core. I've been suffering panic attacks daily since, my boyfriend is very loving and supportive but I fear causing him dread and driving him away with all my mental instability. I get nauseated, have a hard time keeping any food down, have to force myself to wake up, to move, to get dressed, to eat, everything feels so, so heavy.
I came here because I have Christian family and friends whose faith has kept them strong and full of life even when facing the death of their parents and loved ones, something I can't imagine overcoming in the state I'm in. I am more open to the idea of there being "something" after death, I desperately want to know that my loved ones who already passed are okay. I guess I want a "sign" from God for lack of a better phrase. I would love a taste of that peace and fulfillment that my faithful friends and family carry with them. I would love to take pleasure in watching time pass and growing old with grace. I would love to have faith and recover from this pain. If even just one person prays for me, even if it doesn't help me find God or an answer, it means that someone out there cares enough after reading about my troubles and that would mean the world to me.
One positive side effect of this dread, I feel such a deep emotional connection and pain to everyone around me. If I read about a death now I feel that heartbreak. If I read about someone's child growing up and graduating from high school, I feel that pang of love and sadness as if I were a mother myself. I feel a connection to everyone in the world through this pain, if that makes any sense at all.
Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this, I truly love you all.
I guess for ease of terms I would call myself an "agnostic" and generally don't have faith in any sort of afterlife existence and lately this has been a driving force for my existential depression. I get severe panic attacks from seeing even photographs, thinking about how quickly time is going by, the fear of eventually having to say goodbye to my loved ones, and my ultimate fear of my own death and oblivion and wiping away everythign and everyone I love here on earth. It hurts my heart that I cannot freeze time. I am only 25 but I am so utterly terrified that the best and happiest years of my life are behind me, because from here on out it's treating aches and pains from aging even if I'm in good shape, and watching my favorite aunts and uncles and parents grow old and grey and lose the youthful spark I saw in their eyes growing up. I feel as though I'm already an elderly woman on her deathbed because I constantly text and call family to let them know I love them so much because I'm terrified that those might be my last words. I have the sensation of needing to get my affairs in order to be prepared to "check out" even though I have no health problems outside of my mental health.
These feelings reached a fever pitch last month when a friend of mine lost his life in a car accident. I started having panic because he was only 24, and had hopes and dreams and goals and I wanted to know that he was okay and safe, but my mind kept telling me death was just an "off switch" and I felt a chill to my core. I've been suffering panic attacks daily since, my boyfriend is very loving and supportive but I fear causing him dread and driving him away with all my mental instability. I get nauseated, have a hard time keeping any food down, have to force myself to wake up, to move, to get dressed, to eat, everything feels so, so heavy.
I came here because I have Christian family and friends whose faith has kept them strong and full of life even when facing the death of their parents and loved ones, something I can't imagine overcoming in the state I'm in. I am more open to the idea of there being "something" after death, I desperately want to know that my loved ones who already passed are okay. I guess I want a "sign" from God for lack of a better phrase. I would love a taste of that peace and fulfillment that my faithful friends and family carry with them. I would love to take pleasure in watching time pass and growing old with grace. I would love to have faith and recover from this pain. If even just one person prays for me, even if it doesn't help me find God or an answer, it means that someone out there cares enough after reading about my troubles and that would mean the world to me.
One positive side effect of this dread, I feel such a deep emotional connection and pain to everyone around me. If I read about a death now I feel that heartbreak. If I read about someone's child growing up and graduating from high school, I feel that pang of love and sadness as if I were a mother myself. I feel a connection to everyone in the world through this pain, if that makes any sense at all.
Thank you to anyone who takes time to read this, I truly love you all.
