Seeking help

[Chie]

I don't know what to do, I feel all hope in me is exhausted. I am dealing with someone close who is an addict,my husband, the effects are so evident , the drug mind. I don't know if I should stay or leave. I have prayed but I don't have the answer, maybe I don't want to hear the answer. How do I handle this? It is mentaly and physicial getting the best of me. Any words of encrouagement, any advise would be appreciated.

 

[IisJustMe]

I don't know what to do, I feel all hope in me is exhausted. I am dealing with someone close who is an addict,my husband, the effects are so evident , the drug mind. I don't know if I should stay or leave. I have prayed but I don't have the answer, maybe I don't want to hear the answer. How do I handle this? It is mentaly and physicial getting the best of me. Any words of encrouagement, any advise would be appreciated.

First and foremost, it is important you realize you cannot do his recovery for him. You cannot make the decision for him that he needs or wants recovery. It is a decision only he can make, and peer pressure, discussing, arguing or threatening won't help him make that decision. It is one he must reach at his own pace and with evidence acceptable to him that he cannot refute, ignore, hide from, deny or rationalize away.

Second, if and when he makes that decision, he must make it based on needing Christ and recovery for himself, not for you, his children, his family, his friends, his job, or anything else that can be held up to him as an important reason to embrace recovery. It must be for him and him alone, because it was him and him alone that turned his back on all those other things and embraced the drugs and/or alcohol as being more important that those things.

Finally, pray for him and love him unconditionally, but do nothing to protect him from the consequences of his actions. If he awakens too sick or wasted to go to work, don't call in for him to say he's "got the flu." Make him lie, don't become his liar for him. If he gets arrested for driving under the influence, leave him in jail. Don't bail him out, because he learns nothing by asking you protect to him. If he loses his license, his job, his car, etc., so be it. Don't take him to work, don't look the other way when he does something to "get around" his circumstances, and don't make excuses for him. He's a man, he's made the decision to use drugs and/or alcohol, so he's big enough to accept the consequences.

I will be praying for you to be able to stand up to your addict. It is a difficult road you turn on to, and it will perhaps be a long one. Holding him accountable doesn't make you a bad person, or someone who doesn't love him. Holding him accountable shows him the need to be responsible, or accept what happens when he isn't.

God bless and keep you both. Only Christ can deliver him from his addiction, and only Christ can deliver you from the pain of being married to his addiction. Hold fast!

 

[Chie]

First and foremost, it is important you realize you cannot do his recovery for him. You cannot make the decision for him that he needs or wants recovery. It is a decision only he can make, and peer pressure, discussing, arguing or threatening won't help him make that decision. It is one he must reach at his own pace and with evidence acceptable to him that he cannot refute, ignore, hide from, deny or rationalize away.

Second, if and when he makes that decision, he must make it based on needing Christ and recovery for himself, not for you, his children, his family, his friends, his job, or anything else that can be held up to him as an important reason to embrace recovery. It must be for him and him alone, because it was him and him alone that turned his back on all those other things and embraced the drugs and/or alcohol as being more important that those things.

Finally, pray for him and love him unconditionally, but do nothing to protect him from the consequences of his actions. If he awakens too sick or wasted to go to work, don't call in for him to say he's "got the flu." Make him lie, don't become his liar for him. If he gets arrested for driving under the influence, leave him in jail. Don't bail him out, because he learns nothing by asking you protect to him. If he loses his license, his job, his car, etc., so be it. Don't take him to work, don't look the other way when he does something to "get around" his circumstances, and don't make excuses for him. He's a man, he's made the decision to use drugs and/or alcohol, so he's big enough to accept the consequences.

I will be praying for you to be able to stand up to your addict. It is a difficult road you turn on to, and it will perhaps be a long one. Holding him accountable doesn't make you a bad person, or someone who doesn't love him. Holding him accountable shows him the need to be responsible, or accept what happens when he isn't.

God bless and keep you both. Only Christ can deliver him from his addiction, and only Christ can deliver you from the pain of being married to his addiction. Hold fast!

Thank you so much, God bless.

 

[UnitynLove]

If he refuses to change then it is best to leave but if he admits he has a problem and is willing to get help then you cna stay. God changes people, people can't change people.

 

[wefdm21]

Well this must be epidemic. I'm going through the exact same situation. Read the post "staying off the weed". I understand how difficult this can be. I feel like my husband is tearing down the walls of our home all around us and there is nothing that I can do about it. How can you not enable someone when they are manipulating you every chance they get?
The others are right though. You can not change him. Only he can decide when and if he is going to stop using. The best advice that I've recieved is to seek counseling and continue to pray. I know how hard it is to just let the other person work it out on their own especially when everything they do effects everyone in the household. Just do your best to stay away from his activities so that you don't go down for something that's not your fault. I sometimes fear being arrested or my kids being taken away, so I feel your pain. I pray that everything will be fine in your life.

 

[Chie]

Well this must be epidemic. I'm going through the exact same situation. Read the post "staying off the weed". I understand how difficult this can be. I feel like my husband is tearing down the walls of our home all around us and there is nothing that I can do about it. How can you not enable someone when they are manipulating you every chance they get?
The others are right though. You can not change him. Only he can decide when and if he is going to stop using. The best advice that I've recieved is to seek counseling and continue to pray. I know how hard it is to just let the other person work it out on their own especially when everything they do effects everyone in the household. Just do your best to stay away from his activities so that you don't go down for something that's not your fault. I sometimes fear being arrested or my kids being taken away, so I feel your pain. I pray that everything will be fine in your life.

I will pray for you as well, thanks for sharing. This is the hardest thing I have faced, and still not sure if I am facing it right. much love and peace.

 

[LoG]

There are goups such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon that provide help and support for family members affected by the addict and alcoholic. Leaving is not always the answer because too often the the sober or non-addicted spouse is attracted to that lifestyle. The typically chaotic homelife is a familiar setting that will be sought out in a new relationship. Through wives attending Al-Anon many addicts and alcoholics reach the doors of AA and NA because it gets hard to deny that one may have a problem when their spouse is attending meetings to recover from the effects of their addiction.

 

[Chie]

There are goups such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon that provide help and support for family members affected by the addict and alcoholic. Leaving is not always the answer because too often the the sober or non-addicted spouse is attracted to that lifestyle. The typically chaotic homelife is a familiar setting that will be sought out in a new relationship. Through wives attending Al-Anon many addicts and alcoholics reach the doors of AA and NA because it gets hard to deny that one may have a problem when their spouse is attending meetings to recover from the effects of their addiction.

My husband has gone into recovery now. What I am dealing with now is unanswered questions to all the lies he has told, the deceit, the phone calls that he has refused to talk about, saying its none of my busisness and its in the past and tells me to drop it. now mind you 2 seconds is past to him, he don't want me involved if I want to know something that happened 2 days ago even. confused and not sure how to handle this and his unwillingness to be honest with me.

 

[LoG]

My husband has gone into recovery now. What I am dealing with now is unanswered questions to all the lies he has told, the deceit, the phone calls that he has refused to talk about, saying its none of my busisness and its in the past and tells me to drop it. now mind you 2 seconds is past to him, he don't want me involved if I want to know something that happened 2 days ago even. confused and not sure how to handle this and his unwillingness to be honest with me.

The suggestion to attend Al-Anon still stands especially now that he has gone into recovery. Perhaps attending some meetings with him will give you better insight into the alcoholic mindset and what the program is teaching.

 

[UnitynLove]

Family counseling with a Godly conselor. I know it is hard to trust but you must forgive him.

 

[Chie]

Family counseling with a Godly conselor. I know it is hard to trust but you must forgive him.

Thanks for the replies, I am checking into the al-anon meetings here. I have talked with a sponser as well. I have forgave him, but now I need to learn how to build trust. I am going to consintrate on changing myself, not him or our relationship. He isn't ready to work on the relationship, all his effort needs to be on his recovery. The relationship will come in time, if there is one to work on after his recovery, that is the main thing and I must accept that. much love and peace.

 

[BigToe]

You have a healthy attitude right now. There are groups that are for friends and family members of addicts that can help you work on your own reaction and feelings to everything. You aren't alone and there are people out there who want to help you be happier too.