Seeking Guidance Please - Dealing with Resentment

[AlpacaOne]

Hi everyone , I am married to a non believer, who has a daughter but doesn’t live with us. Met her when she was 4. Her mother passed away, when she was 8 and now she’s 10 years old. She lives with her grandmother.
She’s hours away and we make an effort to go see her multiple times a year. Before her mother passing, she wasn’t allowed to use her phone, but we had a good relationship. After her mother passed away she is now always on her phone. Yet our relationship changed and no matter how much I try I always receive rejection from her. I understand the loss of her mother is painful, I have tried to be supportive and I make a greater effort than my husband does. So I resent him for not being the father she deserves but I also resent her rejection as she has other female figures in her life who she considers a mother. Not trying to reach out to her is painful to me but her rejection also hurts me. How do I avoid feeling resentment towards this situation. Please guide me or pray for me so that God can fill me with wisdom. I don’t want to have any roots of selfishness, sourness or resentment in me.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hi everyone , I am married to a non believer, who has a daughter but doesn’t live with us. Met her when she was 4. Her mother passed away, when she was 8 and now she’s 10 years old. She lives with her grandmother.
She’s hours away and we make an effort to go see her multiple times a year. Before her mother passing, she wasn’t allowed to use her phone, but we had a good relationship. After her mother passed away she is now always on her phone. Yet our relationship changed and no matter how much I try I always receive rejection from her. I understand the loss of her mother is painful, I have tried to be supportive and I make a greater effort than my husband does. So I resent him for not being the father she deserves but I also resent her rejection as she has other female figures in her life who she considers a mother. Not trying to reach out to her is painful to me but her rejection also hurts me. How do I avoid feeling resentment towards this situation. Please guide me or pray for me so that God can fill me with wisdom. I don’t want to have any roots of selfishness, sourness or resentment in me.

I would not normally counsel in this way, but I had a thought. It was:

Luke 6:26 Unhappy are you when all men give you their approval: for so their fathers did to the false prophets.

Sometimes the struggles we have with people and their approval can be grounded in a deeper spiritual struggle. Sometimes people don't like what we represent as Christians, and no matter how nice we try to be it will not change an opinion.

However that said, we should not cease to offer love and support. Just be aware that sometimes personalities clash.

It is probably better to pray for a binding together of hearts, deeper prayer, will result in your heart being softened too.

 

[turkle]

It's natural for a child to resent the spouse of one of her parents. She is only 10 and is working through all the difficulties of her mother's death, her father's distance, and the fact that you (in her eyes) replaced her mother in her father's affections. Even older children, including adult children, very often respond that way.

I understand that your feelings are hurt. So are hers. This is an opportunity to step up as the adult in the situation, and love on her despite her rejection. In fact, that rejection just might be her testing you to see if you'll still care for her despite her behavior.

I also experienced this from my step children, and sometimes still do. But both of them have told my husband and others that they appreciate the fact that they know I love them no matter how badly they behave. Over time they warmed to me and now look to me as their mom. It took a long time, and they still test me from time to time. I see it as my responsibility as the older, wiser adult to respond with warmth, kindness and love regardless. I have to set my own feelings aside to model to them what love really is. My feelings still get hurt from time to time, but that is for me to work through. But I determined at the beginning that my feelings would never interfere with good step parenting. I hope you can do the same.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hi everyone , I am married to a non believer, who has a daughter but doesn’t live with us. Met her when she was 4. Her mother passed away, when she was 8 and now she’s 10 years old. She lives with her grandmother.
She’s hours away and we make an effort to go see her multiple times a year. Before her mother passing, she wasn’t allowed to use her phone, but we had a good relationship. After her mother passed away she is now always on her phone. Yet our relationship changed and no matter how much I try I always receive rejection from her. I understand the loss of her mother is painful, I have tried to be supportive and I make a greater effort than my husband does. So I resent him for not being the father she deserves but I also resent her rejection as she has other female figures in her life who she considers a mother. Not trying to reach out to her is painful to me but her rejection also hurts me. How do I avoid feeling resentment towards this situation. Please guide me or pray for me so that God can fill me with wisdom. I don’t want to have any roots of selfishness, sourness or resentment in me.

Welcome. I believe the issue at hand is the rejection your husband is displaying towards his daughter. This is devastating to her. Your relationship with her holds little importance as you are married to someone she probably thinks does not love her. Now things get even more complicated when resentment sets in between you and your husband. Kind of a mess I would say. Your husbands character is damaged. I am sorry, I can not focus on your relationship with her as her relationship with her father is far more important, now that she only has one parent. She is probably hurt that her father did not take her. She may blame you for that unfortunately. Be blessed.
(On a side note, as kids get older they begin to be more independent and communicate much less with adults.)

 

[Tolworth John]

How do I avoid feeling resentment towards this situation.

Do you have or are planning to have children?
You've had brilliant advice about being consistent and the failure of your husband.

I think you should carry on reaching out to her, involve your husband in this and in church attendance.
Expect things to get worse should you have children!

How do you deal with your feelings?

By handing the situation, her words, attitude, actions and your feelings over to God for him to deal with and by praying regularly and intelligently for her.

 

[Joined2krist]

Can you invite her over to spend some time with both of you in your home? she might be resentful because you both don't invite her over(you didn't mention it)

 

[hktm16]

Hi, to be honest unfortunately I think the passing away of her mother might be really hard for her, that she used to have a sense of belongingness. A mother-daughter relationship is not easily replaceable too imho. in my opinion, she also might be a bit too young to process these things herself (you mentioned that her father is not living with her). Sorry, just offering my thoughts on the issue.

 

[Brenda Blakely]

Dear AlpacaOne,

As the wife of an unbeliever you are of great value to your husband. You may be the one to lead Him to the Lord simply by the manner in which you live your life. You can start by taking a look at I Corinthians 7:14. Realizing that your husband sees things thru a different lens than you may help you to deal with your resentment in a different manner. You, as a believer, have experienced the love of God and your spouse has not. You, as a believer, can live a life empowered by the work of the Holy Spirit in you and can have God as a full time resident in your life. This means you are going to see things from a different perspective and act differently from the way your husband sees things and acts. God is not the author of the resentment that you are feeling. He is ready and able to help you to live in love and not resentment. He is ready and able for you to be a silent witness to His work in you. You have the power of prayer for this situation and all that it entails. You have the Word of God for reference and the Holy Spirit to guide you as you navigate these tough areas of your life. It sounds to me like you have just what this family needs. I am praying for you to be strengthened. I am praying for you to see your husband thru the eyes of Jesus and His love for him, you and your family. I am praying for you to be “wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.” Here is a number-855 382 5433-you can call for resources and encouragement. God bless you and your family.