seeking advice

[accensa candela]

Hi there. This might be long winded, maybe. I don't expect any help or anything, I'm just typing as a last hope that something in some way will give me a breath of air. I've been "messed up" for a long time, years... decades. I have a really hard time trusting people and an even harder time letting people into my life and my mind. I have a hard time being around people, other than my family. Life is a daily rollercoster and lately there has been a lot more descending than ascending. Prior to a few months ago I could cope by having alone time when I am not working or having to be in public but now even alone time is not helping. I feel entangled in a web of anger (mental not physical), bitterness, stress, loneliness, worry, fear, sadness, helplessness and there seems to be no room for happiness anymore. Because I don't let people into my personal life I am always walking around with a smile and a positive attitude, and that is one of the hardest daily challenges I have because most of the time I just want to sleep or cry. My wife is leaving me, I have been having black outs. My mind is not working, I go to get a cup of coffee and look for the coffee mug in the fridge for example. I have no choice but to go bankrupt, and even then I will not have enough money to cover the bare necessities. I live in a small house in the country because I can not live in an apartment, it is too close to people. Not to mention it costs more to rent then it does for my mortgage payment. I do not have my high school diploma so I don't have a good steady job, and I have no choice but to work hard physical labor because it pays more then any other job I am able to get. But I have no energy because I usually only eat once a day in the evening, most of the time I don't feel like eating at all but I have still become overweight. Its not an eating disorder, I just can't bring myself to eat. I feel so far gone I went to my pastor for help, as hard as it is for me to open up to anyone. He thinks I have depression and anxiety. He wants to meet again but he wants to schedule it 2 weeks from now. I know he is busy and I know there are far more important things then me, I just don't know if I have two weeks but I didn't tell him that. I have went to the emergency room before, all they do is want to pump me full of pills so they can brush me off and move on to the next person to get their day over with. All I am doing is asking for help or idea's, not drugs. I have been trying to see if there is any Government grant or loan, anything that will help me get my education so I can get a decent job and work on my issues. When I search the internet for information I find no help for adults and no help for high school diploma's. Ether I have to be a teenager or I have to do the high school work between my full time job, but time is running out before I am too mentally and physically drained. I often want to crawl into the wilderness never to be seen again, but I have a young son who needs me, and I know its not what God wants me to do. I need to get better, I need to fix my life. Not just for me, but for my son and because I love Jesus and I know I can't give up. But I can't find anywhere to turn, every idea I have to help myself seems to be a dead end, such as the schooling. It might sound like I am asking for money, but I'm not. I am asking for help if anyone knows how I can ether get a Government loan for schooling that would pay for my house and car until I am finished, or another idea I might not have thought of that can help me meet my financial needs, get help that is not in a pill form and simply learn how to be part of society and be happy. I'm in Canada, and I know there are not many people on here from Canada so I don't expect anyone to know the health care system here, but I'm still open to any idea's or advise. Part of my knows there is no help or advice that will work, if there was there would be no homeless people or depressed people in Canada, but at least asking gives me some hope even if its short term.

 

[miss-a]

There is a way for you, though I do not know specifically what it is. God has a plan for all His kids.

The first thing I would recommend is that you call your pastor and tell him how urgent this is for you. He needs to know exactly what you are going through. If you don't think you can go two weeks, he really needs to know that.

I'm sending you a private message with some info that should help. And please know you are in my prayers. Please post your needs also on the prayer sub forum on Christian forums. And also there is a sub forum called Ask a Chaplain where you can also seek input.

God has made a way for you, so you must hang in there. Take one day at a time. You can do this. He is with you.
Prayers,
a

 

[accensa candela]

Thank you for replying and for the pm miss-a, I will try that. Its hard because I'm not talkative or able to open up to people but I will try. Thank you for your prayers, I know my faith is more important than any struggle I have on earth so praying is the greatest thing you can do for me. you are in my prayers too, thank you for kindness and compassion miss-a.

 

[Jeshu]

Depression is hard to cope with but can be overcome. Usually medication is the best way to go about it. Medication makes you feel less depressed and helps therefore with the immediate things such as work and relationships.

However your faith is of great worth as well. No medication can help when our attitude isn't right. Begin to offset the negatives in your life with the positives that Christ offers. His love for you being the greatest asset, for without His love you would really be lost.

Also your local Church can offer you help. My Church has often helped us through financial difficulties or kept me in work, perhaps your local Church can offer the same for you.

Please understand that faith in God's love offers hope for the future. God is not going to let you go through the worst without offering some positive things back in return. Please fight those feelings that offer no hope they are not from Christ but come from our enemy.

Keep seeking support no matter how hard things get.

Be honest about your depression, it is a hard foe to beat but with Christ it can be done.

 

[RuthD]

I think you need to take medicine and see a counselor asap. Call your local hospital social work dept. and ask for a reference for counseling and psychiatist. You need to get stabilized before anything else. A counselor can give you all kinds of information on how to get a GED and a higher education and find a grant. In the US you can get free grants for schooling. I don't know if Canada offers that or not. Hold on to your strong faith and ask your God for guidance every day and talk to him every day. More answers will come to you. I'm praying for you brother.

 

[accensa candela]

Thank you Jeshu and RuthD for replying. I'm really don't think meds will help. They will just become an addiction, just another problem to live with. Besides I can't afford them even if I did want them. I know and agree I need to get back on track with my relationship with Jesus, trust him and not worry. But I do worry and answering someone in a pm a little while ago has made me realize just now I am somewhat avoiding God because I am worried he is going to take my house and make me choose to jump into society or vanish into the wilderness, the second choice I would lose everything, my son and God. I forget if I mentioned in my first post or not, but I can not handle any noise or repetitive movement. My son can be loud and jump around a lot but it doesn't bother me. Its loud people, a bunch of people talking at the same time, music, cars, car horns, cars driving, people walking and stuff like that, I hate the city. I get really bad headaches and it really brings on anxiety. I know I have to trust God and do his will, I'm just really worried his will does not involve baby steps

 

[accensa candela]

A little update, I went to the hospital a few nights ago and talked to the doctor. He named some long winded doctor term that sounded like some kind of alien language, I gave him a blank look then he said I have major depression and anxiety. He gave me a prescription for Effexor for depression, ativan for anxiety attacks and restoril to help me sleep. I Googled them and the side affects are crazy, this made me feel even more hopeless. I'm going through bankruptcy, losing my family, might be losing my house, car and most of the things I own, and now I find out the only help I have will end up giving me health problems and will become an addiction.

A member of CF has been sending me encouraging words and being a true friend in Christ. I received an email last night that helped me more than any amount of therapy, meds or money could ever do. It started with Ps 94:17-19 and that moment I realized Jesus did not abandon me. If I do not pray for help and put my full trust in the Lord but rather try to fix my own problems and try to make my own path in life it will just end up a disaster. Choosing my own path puts me in the hands of Satan, I might loose my house and everything I own, maybe I would not, maybe I would become rich, depends I guess on how hard I work for what I want or how I go about getting what I want. But in the end no matter how successful or unsuccessful I became it will all be worthless and pointless when I stand before God and realize true love and happiness is Jesus and his church, all of the brothers and sisters in Christ, a true family.

Jeremiah 17: 7,8. “But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water and sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

Matthew 11: 28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

The more worldly things I have the more burden I have, the more that comes between me and the Lord. First thought in my head is the Magpie bird, it spends its life gathering shinny things, the more shinny things it has the more likely he will find a mate... maybe that is where the term "bird brain" came from. I can't put into words how great it feels to read this and know that in a world that expects us to gather shinny things but Jesus wants us to love and have faith in him, he does not care at all about the shinny stuff.

I had said my depression is like a rollercoster, sometimes I feel a little better and don't feel as stressed. But today is different. I don't have the feeling of worthlessness and the feeling of helplessness that I could and likely will lose everything I own. For so long I have been let down and given up on by people that it made me give up on God because I felt unworthy and a failure to him. Satan is so good at deception, he knows that if there is a way to pull us away from reading Gods word it will pull us away from God. I am not saying I am 100% better and nothing will get to me again. But the feeling that I am lost without my stuff is gone, it is nice to have but at the end of the day if its gone its gone but I am not lost without it. The feeling that I will be lonely all my life because my wife is leaving me is gone. If its Gods will we will be back together in time, but ether way I have been shown there are brothers and sisters in the world who truly care and are a beacon of Gods love. I still have a lot of issues to deal with but knowing I am in Gods arms has saved me. There is no better therapy or medication then Gods word!

 

[miss-a]

So wonderful to hear. Thank you for sharing.

Prayers still going up for you,
a

 

[Krissy Cakes]

Praying for you