Before I begin, I do not want trouble. I seek advice, truth and help. But, I do not want coments that will straight out have a holier than thou attitude. None of us, no matter what "status of faith" we have, should judge and ignore a cry.
Lets go back to Day One. A little girl, who cannot understand for the life of her why boys have cooties, or why some look cute. A little girl who wanted to be like a little boy, who hated dresses and barbie dolls. If anything, she wanted to watch Star Wars and hang out with guys because she could relate to them. She hated being a girl, she did not want to be one of them. But at the same time, she liked girls in a cute way. When little girls swooned over a prettyboy, I would see a side to some girls that I would like in a sense.
When I first heard of lesbians, it did get me thinking... "Am I one of those types?". No! I couldn't! It was bad to love girls! The bible said so, my Mother and Father tell me they are all evil people that will be destroyed eventually, and all my friends seem to hate them! There was no way this could be real. It must be a work of the Devil, surely. I kept it secret for a while.
From 12 years of age up until this year, I have been going through the worst years of my life. I kept telling myself, "You cannot be attracted to her". And even those of you that tell me its right to force yourself to think that way, you are so wrong its beyond not funny anymore. I threw myself into a depressive state where at times, I wanted to harm myself. I had dreams that would haunt me at night. Girls at school would bully me and tease me for not dating guys. I simply hid in my box of shame and anxiety and said "I can't, I'm not ready". I hated myself for thinking of other girls instead of other boys. More than once a week, I would cry to God asking for help. "Why should I carry this burden, oh Lord?" I would cry. My heart aches, my soul weeps and my spirit was stuck in traffic. As a result, my mind had gone nuts.
I was going through anxiety attacts and panic attacks. I would want to die whenever I heard someone say that lesbians or gays were going to perish. I so thought I had my attraction under control, but I didn't. I was slowly spiralling into self hatred and denial of myself. I even asked boys out, to keep myself covered from rumours. I was assaulted (not raped, but touched inappropriately), abused and mistreated by most men. Side note, men are not shallow. I refuse to believe that. However, this just piled on to my feelings of un-attractiveness towards man.
I used to attend church with my family. I wanted so badly for the pastor to say something that would change me, but it never came. Instead, I felt shot down. By this stage, I had made friends with gays, but I knew no lesbians. They constantly told me that christians would tell them how they are sinning, bringing them down for their preference and even throwing them out of groups of friends for being the way they are. To me, I felt like a coward for watching my friends, who were so dear and had kind hearts, being shot down by people who tell everyone what they have to do and live by.
And here it comes: I went to a christian youth church known as Planetshakers. All the Aussie youth here should know of it. It is there to empower a generation, to lift up all youth and to keep the faith just as it should be: true. I met her, a beautiful girl who, in many ways, was a lot like me. Her name won't be mentioned. I met her a few times and thought she was fun to talk to. Fast forward half a year, and she is back. An event for women, held by Planetshakers and run for women of God. We stayed together all day, and I knew: I fancied her.
About a month or so passes, I tell her I love her. That was yesterday. About two weeks before, I told myself I was who I was, and there is nothing under God that will change that. I cried to God for help and advice, I asked older christian friends and leaders but alas, it was the same. Leaders were blunt- "You're a sinner, change and come back", even though they said to forgive, to not judge and to reach out to those needing help.
And now, for the help. Homework for you lot, answer truthfully. Without the judgement.
a) Christians are people of God who are doing a heroic deed: saving people. Jesus has already saved the world. Now, did Superman ever fly up to a situation where say, Timmy was stuck in a well and said to him, "Well son, you shouldn't have been near there in the first place" and flew away, leaving poor Timmy to die? No. He went in and saved him cause he was in trouble. Now, pretend you're Superman, minus the underpants look. Would you see a friend who has fallen down a pit of sin, only to turn your nose and say "Well, you've sinned. Tough buttons" and walked on? Think about this one.
b) Why is love an encouraged act in the bible, but when two of the same sex are involved, its evil? I know theres the reproduction factor, but hasn't technology surpassed that?
c) I have had it with this one- "Maybe God wants you to stay single". No... I can't. I love too much, I want to love someone and to have someone in my arms. Sure, if God wants me to, he will tell me. But he won't tell me through a bunch of strangers on the internet either.
*sigh*. There. All done.
Lets go back to Day One. A little girl, who cannot understand for the life of her why boys have cooties, or why some look cute. A little girl who wanted to be like a little boy, who hated dresses and barbie dolls. If anything, she wanted to watch Star Wars and hang out with guys because she could relate to them. She hated being a girl, she did not want to be one of them. But at the same time, she liked girls in a cute way. When little girls swooned over a prettyboy, I would see a side to some girls that I would like in a sense.
When I first heard of lesbians, it did get me thinking... "Am I one of those types?". No! I couldn't! It was bad to love girls! The bible said so, my Mother and Father tell me they are all evil people that will be destroyed eventually, and all my friends seem to hate them! There was no way this could be real. It must be a work of the Devil, surely. I kept it secret for a while.
From 12 years of age up until this year, I have been going through the worst years of my life. I kept telling myself, "You cannot be attracted to her". And even those of you that tell me its right to force yourself to think that way, you are so wrong its beyond not funny anymore. I threw myself into a depressive state where at times, I wanted to harm myself. I had dreams that would haunt me at night. Girls at school would bully me and tease me for not dating guys. I simply hid in my box of shame and anxiety and said "I can't, I'm not ready". I hated myself for thinking of other girls instead of other boys. More than once a week, I would cry to God asking for help. "Why should I carry this burden, oh Lord?" I would cry. My heart aches, my soul weeps and my spirit was stuck in traffic. As a result, my mind had gone nuts.
I was going through anxiety attacts and panic attacks. I would want to die whenever I heard someone say that lesbians or gays were going to perish. I so thought I had my attraction under control, but I didn't. I was slowly spiralling into self hatred and denial of myself. I even asked boys out, to keep myself covered from rumours. I was assaulted (not raped, but touched inappropriately), abused and mistreated by most men. Side note, men are not shallow. I refuse to believe that. However, this just piled on to my feelings of un-attractiveness towards man.
I used to attend church with my family. I wanted so badly for the pastor to say something that would change me, but it never came. Instead, I felt shot down. By this stage, I had made friends with gays, but I knew no lesbians. They constantly told me that christians would tell them how they are sinning, bringing them down for their preference and even throwing them out of groups of friends for being the way they are. To me, I felt like a coward for watching my friends, who were so dear and had kind hearts, being shot down by people who tell everyone what they have to do and live by.
And here it comes: I went to a christian youth church known as Planetshakers. All the Aussie youth here should know of it. It is there to empower a generation, to lift up all youth and to keep the faith just as it should be: true. I met her, a beautiful girl who, in many ways, was a lot like me. Her name won't be mentioned. I met her a few times and thought she was fun to talk to. Fast forward half a year, and she is back. An event for women, held by Planetshakers and run for women of God. We stayed together all day, and I knew: I fancied her.
About a month or so passes, I tell her I love her. That was yesterday. About two weeks before, I told myself I was who I was, and there is nothing under God that will change that. I cried to God for help and advice, I asked older christian friends and leaders but alas, it was the same. Leaders were blunt- "You're a sinner, change and come back", even though they said to forgive, to not judge and to reach out to those needing help.
And now, for the help. Homework for you lot, answer truthfully. Without the judgement.
a) Christians are people of God who are doing a heroic deed: saving people. Jesus has already saved the world. Now, did Superman ever fly up to a situation where say, Timmy was stuck in a well and said to him, "Well son, you shouldn't have been near there in the first place" and flew away, leaving poor Timmy to die? No. He went in and saved him cause he was in trouble. Now, pretend you're Superman, minus the underpants look. Would you see a friend who has fallen down a pit of sin, only to turn your nose and say "Well, you've sinned. Tough buttons" and walked on? Think about this one.
b) Why is love an encouraged act in the bible, but when two of the same sex are involved, its evil? I know theres the reproduction factor, but hasn't technology surpassed that?
c) I have had it with this one- "Maybe God wants you to stay single". No... I can't. I love too much, I want to love someone and to have someone in my arms. Sure, if God wants me to, he will tell me. But he won't tell me through a bunch of strangers on the internet either.
*sigh*. There. All done.
But just as we are trying to cool down with God's help, thats what you need, ultimately.
