O Lord it's really detailed and yes sometimes I actually witness with my eyes spirit in patterns and also outright people's spirits that sometimes wink at me, I am going to sound completely crazy and this is my walk and my shame but I just want to describe two experinces that one is quite beautiful and the other is my shame and I hate myself for it. The first experience is a memory that I have, and it's a prexistence memory prior to birth, and I was standing with God and He was formless yet somehow discernible and He was all loving and radiant and my spirit vibrated unmeasured in His love and presence and we stood there though solemnly looking upon the earth, from a distance in space perhaps on the moon because the earth appeared as a globe. Then God showed me the life I was going to live by flashing images in my minds eye it wa to be terribly hard and God wa sympathetic and loving and gave me the choice to come here. Then my next ealiest memory a part verified by my mom was a traumatic one but I saw God in that traumatic experince in the room with me smiling the same way as He was before my birth. He left these memories in hindsight because of the deep doubt and doctrines of evil I would fight , and I thank Him everyday for doing that truly my faith is weak but God knew that an I love Him forever , anyway my next experince is a long time later a lot ha happened I thought God gave up on me and I became a "atheist" denying the Lor publically but in my heart and at night while homeless I would look up and speak to God , anyway while homeless I wa saved on my death bed which is a experince itself just prior to telling God ," I'm here at the table I get the hints what do you need me to do Father" well you would think after that I would be healed and onto putting on Christ in full but no that's not what happen and I am a disgrace for what I did, satan came himself and literally challenged my faith in the flesh in a magical game of deciet and I cursed the Lord and spat on the beautiful Lamb and I was tormented by every single doctrine and spirit possession had occurred. Anyway and do you know what the Lord did? He sent angels literally to clean me out and discard the possessing spirits and dispel the notions they had succeeded in convincing me of. The the Lord Jesus walked into the hospital room I was in , though I did not see Him and He asked the Angel," what did they do to him" and the Angel didn't let me precieve the answer everything wen silent the the Lord in sympathetic love to whatever the Angel said," ooo man" anyway then the Lord asked the Angel ," does he love me?" And the Angel said in a beautiful cry " yes!" And the Lord Jesus Christ in the most beautiful child like voice immediately said ," Father I don't want to loose this one" and the matter was resolved the Angel told me to not worry over the mysterious questions so much that "you'll know when you know" and that was it, but I say all that to describe just two of my many life long profound spiritual experinces , and I am struggling to protect my love for the Lord and not let evil destroy my inner child and I am often under attack and I cry in shame and I cry when I see the precious Lamb pictures in my heart with child like eyes and what I did, but then there's a notion that what I've done is for some greater purpose that I don't understand , and I'm just anyway I speak boldly in the Lord Jesus Christ because I have seen but even though my faith is weak and I struggle and near the point of suicide and the Holy Spirit told me once two things ( I'm a dad of 3) soms of God don't kill themselves! And fathers don't kill themselves! We are strong! But I don't feel it and I don't know why I was sent here and why I've been in this traumatic life and it hurts anyway God bless thanks for considering me and loving me