Second marriages and comparisons

[AirForceTeacher]

Those of you who are in or about to enter second marriages: do you have to deal with comparisons? Does your current SO ever complain about how you are different with him ir her - that things you were willing to do for your first spouse you won't do for him or her, or that you spent all this money on that souse, why aren't you willing to do it for me?

How do you deal with it? Is it fair? Is their a compassionate way to deal with their hurt from this without simply giving in when you think what they're asking for in that moment is unwise?

 

[dorig59]

Are you actually married now or planning on being married?

It's human nature, I think. I saw what you said on the other post about how you've bought your ex-wife two houses and in your current relationship you only have an apartment or something. If she becomes your wife then I think that she should be the greatest priority for you. Please don't get married unless you can do that. That doesn't mean you dump or neglect your kids, I'm just saying your spouse has to be number one. A marriage will never work otherwise. It would be really unfair for your new wife to feel like she was not number one or top priority in your life, or that she had to sacrifice a lot because of your ex.

I hope this doesn't make you mad, I'm just telling you this from a woman's point of view.

 

[PolarBear3]

I entered my second marriage about 6 weeks ago. We had both been married before and dated for about 3 years before getting married.

We have made comparisons and I think that's a natural thing to do. We read an article about this in "Christianity Today" and that article referred to those comparisons as ghosts of the former spouse. For us, it was never "I can't believe you're doing that - you're just like ..." so it was never a harsh comparison. It was more like he would react to something I did or said in a way that made me realize it wasn't about me, it was about his ex-wife. So I would say something like "I feel like we're dealing with a ghost right now" and we would step back and talk about it. Since we had both been married before we recognized and understood that these things come up and it isn't fair to the other person, but they will come up anyway and it's important to find a good, mature way to deal with it.

Here's a link to the article:
Ghosts of Marriage Past | MarriagePartnership.com

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Well, I simply can't give my current SO an equivalent house right now. When alimony dries up next fall and I pay off a couple bills, then I'd be more than happy to do it. However, all she sees when I say 'be patient, let me get my finances in order' is ' he's unwilling.'

Yes, my new wife, when or if that happens, shoudl be more important, but a wedding ring doesn't change reality, at least not my financial reality.

The second issue is that I proposed to my first wife and was married to her less than 6 months after we started dating. The spent years trying to make it work. I consider that rush to marriage one of my biggest mistakes ever. yet, my gf keep saying 'you were willing to marry her after three months, you must love her more than you do me.' That's not fair, at least not to me.

 

[dorig59]

Well, I simply can't give my current SO an equivalent house right now. When alimony dries up next fall and I pay off a couple bills, then I'd be more than happy to do it. However, all she sees when I say 'be patient, let me get my finances in order' is ' he's unwilling.'

Yes, my new wife, when or if that happens, shoudl be more important, but a wedding ring doesn't change reality, at least not my financial reality.

Well, I mean that sounds reasonable to me, to wait only one more year for the alimony to cease. And if we're talking specifically about a house, I wouldn't think it would have to be perfectly equivalent, just something you guys can afford that's nice. Just keep stressing to her that this is not a permanent condition, things will get better financially as time moves on .

 

[Kscasey]

Well, I simply can't give my current SO an equivalent house right now. When alimony dries up next fall and I pay off a couple bills, then I'd be more than happy to do it. However, all she sees when I say 'be patient, let me get my finances in order' is ' he's unwilling.'

Yes, my new wife, when or if that happens, shoudl be more important, but a wedding ring doesn't change reality, at least not my financial reality.

The second issue is that I proposed to my first wife and was married to her less than 6 months after we started dating. The spent years trying to make it work. I consider that rush to marriage one of my biggest mistakes ever. yet, my gf keep saying 'you were willing to marry her after three months, you must love her more than you do me.' That's not fair, at least not to me.

After just reading your two posts and without knowing anything else about you or your girlfriend, I would say that if you marry this woman any time soon, you will never have a moments peace but will spend the majority of your time defending yourself or trying to keep up with your first marriage just to please her.

She sounds a little insecure. Has she ever been married before? What are your age differences?

 

[AirForceTeacher]

After just reading your two posts and without knowing anything else about you or your girlfriend, I would say that if you marry this woman any time soon, you will never have a moments peace but will spend the majority of your time defending yourself or trying to keep up with your first marriage just to please her.

She sounds a little insecure. Has she ever been married before? What are your age differences?

She has been married before, and one big stumbling block is age difference - she's almost 30 and I'm just in my forties. Because of that, we have somewhat different outlooks on life, since my kids are all teenagers and her son is younger. I thought they were surmountable, but wondering right now.

I don't think second marriages can be like the first marriage - the white pciket fence, everything is perfect fairy tale dream. That doesn't mean that they can't be wonderful, and there can be some advantages that are not present in a first marriage, such as entering it with establshied careers and incomes, but a lot of the intangibles are not there. There are no 'firsts' - first home purchase together, first china, first time in a certain place. If we go to Disneyworld, it will be my second time because I went with my wife and kids when I was married before. I accept that - I know that some of the magic is gone - let's go make some new magic! She tends to focus on the things I did with my ex, and that they won't be new with her. She's said several times in the past month "I'm still young, I can have that."

Am I wrong? Am I selling second marriages short? Am I even being insulting to those who're in their second marriages now?

 

[dorig59]

I think there's merit in all of those things, kind of like the old two sides of the coin deal. The second marriage is hard because of your pasts, and mainly financial, plus dealing with all the kids, and the fact that you've already done a lot of things with your ex. But as you pointed out, there will be many new things the two of you can do together that will be firsts. Just let your imagination run wild and see what you both come up with! Meanwhile, just love each other real hard. My husband and I are connected (emotionally and spiritually) in a way that he never was with his ex. I know far more about him that she ever did. All that matters a lot, too, at least it does to me.

 

[Kscasey]

She has been married before, and one big stumbling block is age difference - she's almost 30 and I'm just in my forties. Because of that, we have somewhat different outlooks on life, since my kids are all teenagers and her son is younger. I thought they were surmountable, but wondering right now.

I don't think second marriages can be like the first marriage - the white pciket fence, everything is perfect fairy tale dream. That doesn't mean that they can't be wonderful, and there can be some advantages that are not present in a first marriage, such as entering it with establshied careers and incomes, but a lot of the intangibles are not there. There are no 'firsts' - first home purchase together, first china, first time in a certain place. If we go to Disneyworld, it will be my second time because I went with my wife and kids when I was married before. I accept that - I know that some of the magic is gone - let's go make some new magic! She tends to focus on the things I did with my ex, and that they won't be new with her. She's said several times in the past month "I'm still young, I can have that."

Am I wrong? Am I selling second marriages short? Am I even being insulting to those who're in their second marriages now?

But see, she has had many firsts with her first husband that she can never have with you as well. I don't believe I'd look at it quite that way though.

It would be your first time with each other and that's what is important. My husband and I had our first holidays, our first vacations, our first home together, etc.

You're not insulting those who are remarried, IMO, because you have never been married a second time so you haven't experienced it. Remarriages can be amazing or they can be pure ????. The most important thing and I cannot emphasize this too much, is that both of you have done a lot of healing. Some of that healing cannot be done until you have an opportunity to find those small hidden tender spots and you'll find those as they come up.

It's like Polarbear said, you have to acknowledge that some of your reactions are not because of what your second spouse has been done, but is instead a reaction from your past relationship and experience.

If your girlfriend is this insecure, I'm guessing here, but I imagine that has something to do with her first marriage. It kind of sounds like she is expecting something she has always wanted and has never gotten. That's a lot of pressure to put on you.

Kids can add a lot of complications to a remarriage so that needs to be talked out beforehand. If you're paying child support, etc, she needs to realize that that is going to be until they're grown. If her children are young, their dad could be in the picture too so that needs to be discussed between both of you, how to handle situations etc.

It is not an impossible situation, but it is not something you can just walk into blindly, there are too many people that will be affected.

 

[Macx]

After just reading your two posts and without knowing anything else about you or your girlfriend, I would say that if you marry this woman any time soon, you will never have a moments peace but will spend the majority of your time defending yourself or trying to keep up with your first marriage just to please her.

She sounds a little insecure. Has she ever been married before? What are your age differences?

Yup. After my divorce I dated and almost married a woman that sounds a lot like your GF. Passing that opportunity up was one of the better decisions of my life! I spent most of my 1st marriage living in PA and moved up here to be near this (now) Ex-GF, so that took the stress of "first time going to the _____" comparisons off the table. She had money issues though, a kind of twisted up ideal of a poverty vow was blended with princess syndrome (she came from money) . . . so her thoughts on money came out pretty schizophrenic.

Other fish, cut her loose, you can do better.


I'd encourage you to look for someone who radiates the love of Christ. Look for someone that exudes peace & will love you regardless of your circumstances. When I got smart and gave up the search to rescue princesses & found contentiment in a good, strong woman . . . my life changed for the better in ways too vast to list. Life is good now.

 

[BarelyBreathing]

I agree with Kscasey about the cureent situation.....

Regarding the original thread topic/ title.... I think that making comparissons is unfair. I would not make a verbal comparisson. If I noticed something similar to a previous marriage, I would simply file it away in my head. I don't believe that anything productive can be gained by pointing out to the second things like the first. By that I mean saying things like "You are just like my first who........." Or "I wish you did this like my first........" etc. I DO believe that there is nothing wrong with discussing things from previous marriages, if they can help to explain why you may act/ react a certain way to things. For example: "I'm sorry that I act this certain way, when I was married to my first spouse......." That is no different than explaining how you may react to things based upon how you were raised by your parents. It is simply providing a factual explanation for why you have been conditioned to act in certain ways. It can help your spouse understand you based upon your history, and even to know that it is not something personal against them. Recognizing what things may trigger certain behaviors can also help you learn how to retrain yourself in a new environment.

I don't believe it is healthy nor productive to make comparissons. By saying you loved one more because you were willing to marry them sooner...... that's a crock. Love is not a contest to see who can fall fastest. To compare the amount of money/ home the ex is living in as opposed to your current situation..... bah. To be honest, I do not understand when new wives/ husbands are jealous over the relationship that their spouse has with their children..... which is what is sometimes amounts to. I would want and encoruage any future husband to be an active part in his children's lives. Anything less from him would actually be a warning sign to me. If he is not comitted/dedicated to providing the best for his children and to giving of himself to them, then imo he is not someone I would want in my life or could trust to be that way to me.

 

[SmileAndAHandshake]

Those of you who are in or about to enter second marriages: do you have to deal with comparisons? Does your current SO ever complain about how you are different with him ir her - that things you were willing to do for your first spouse you won't do for him or her, or that you spent all this money on that souse, why aren't you willing to do it for me?

How do you deal with it? Is it fair? Is their a compassionate way to deal with their hurt from this without simply giving in when you think what they're asking for in that moment is unwise?

Well, I'm the divorced one, not my husband. So it's hard to answer this question, however I will anyway

The only reason I ever make any kind of comparison (and it's rarely) is to tell my husband how much better he is than my ex husband, and how glad I am that I don't have to deal with x-issue or x-stupid-behavior anymore

I don't understand why current spouses would ever feel like they had to 'keep up with' past spouses, since past marriages broke up for a reason. Obviously it failed, why would anyone feel they had to "keep up with" that?

The second issue is that I proposed to my first wife and was married to her less than 6 months after we started dating. The spent years trying to make it work. I consider that rush to marriage one of my biggest mistakes ever

I guess it depends on how fast you get to know people. My husband proposed at 6 months, and we're so compatible I have to wonder some days if God created him just for me (but then I remember I don't believe in that nonesense lol!). We're partners and best friends wrapped up into one, it's outstanding.

But, we lived together for almost the entire time we were dating. So we knew each other pretty darn well when he proposed. We married at 1 year (6 months after he proposed). I definitely was in a place in my life where I wasn't going to wait around for years for a marriage proposal.. things happened the way they did, and for the best IMO.

There are no 'firsts' - first home purchase together, first china, first time in a certain place. If we go to Disneyworld, it will be my second time because I went with my wife and kids when I was married before. I accept that - I know that some of the magic is gone - let's go make some new magic! She tends to focus on the things I did with my ex, and that they won't be new with her. She's said several times in the past month "I'm still young, I can have that."

Am I wrong? Am I selling second marriages short? Am I even being insulting to those who're in their second marriages now?

Yes, and no. LOL

My first marriage was bad, we didn't have the opportunity to buy a house, we didn't own china, what the heck? Not everyone has those marriages the first time, so in that respect I think you do sell second marriages as a generalization quite short. Some of us had really really terrible marriages where we were lucky to even get off the ground as a couple at all. Maybe that's why my perspective is so different from yours?

I'm having all the firsts for the first time.. well not the house and the china, we can't afford stuff like that, but it doesn't matter. I'm having firsts with my husband now of different sorts, not because they are "brand new" and I never did them the first time, but because they are firsts for us.

And we (now) are more important than anything in my past.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

It's amazing how some things just leap out at you from a post and it seems so clear. I see big, major red flags. Your gf seems very immature and I think it has nothing to do with her age. She's quite old enough to have a big girl understanding of the world. She sounds like she is is financially irresponsible and since that is a very common cause of divorce I think that should be an area you explore asap. Is she actually wanting you to buy a house when you can't afford it? Check out Proverbs for what you should be looking for in a wife. Of course the woman in 31 is already married, but do you see any of those traits in your gf?

And comparing the time you dated your ex before proposing is just astounding. She's trying to force a proposal by nagging you and you don't see that as a problem? Is this a woman who is a Christian and do you ever see her submitting to God and to you as spiritual leader? Are you ready to be that leader because it sounds like she wants to wear the pants. Are you glorifying God in this relationship? Are you seeking God's direction and willing to obey His leading?

My first marriage was bad. I know the mistake started with me dating non-believers and then believing that his conversion meant everything would work out. His life now shows no evidence of him knowing Christ as his savior if the stories I hear from his brother are true. When my fiance and I compare each other to our exes, it is out of thankfulness and gratitude. He is 13 years older than me and we were supposed to be just friends. My online friend of 3 years turned into my fiance just about 3 months after our first in person meeting. Our 2 months of just being friends allowed us to get to know each other without the complication of romance and we were both amazed at how compatible we were. I was so impressed after meeting his oldest son and getting to see that my fiance was a man of character. There have been no red flags or drama. I was amazed at how our relationship grew steadily and very naturally.

My fiance and I are so looking forward to all of "our" firsts and each new experience has us recognizing how we've always wanted things to be and so thankful everything is just like we pictured it should be which is so different from what it's been like with the wrong people.

 

[Macx]

The only reason I ever make any kind of comparison (and it's rarely) is to tell my husband how much better he is than my ex husband, and how glad I am that I don't have to deal with x-issue or x-stupid-behavior anymore

I don't understand why current spouses would ever feel like they had to 'keep up with' past spouses, since past marriages broke up for a reason. Obviously it failed, why would anyone feel they had to "keep up with" that?

Spot on 100% right! It isn't like I am comparing their hair or eyes, I am saying "oh wow, it is so great not to get cut down for making a stupid (picture something on the scale of forgetting to put a partial container of eggs back in the fridge) and small mistake. My ex would have brought that up a year or more later in a fight, saying it was an example of how careless I am". At present my wife gives me grace like I have never known, like I can't even give myself . .. like she believes I am human and is okay with that. Blue eyes to brown, curly hair to straight, doesn't really make that much a difference, but the difference in these two lady's souls is so huge, there are times when I can't help comment on it.

My first marriage was bad, we didn't have the opportunity to buy a house, we didn't own china, what the heck? Not everyone has those marriages the first time, so in that respect I think you do sell second marriages as a generalization quite short.

I related to this statement too. Though in my first marriage I married a princess (not literal just old money wealth) so we had everything right down to the white horse drawn carriage to cart us away from the wedding. Great china and all that jazz . . . but the marriage was bad. This marriage has children though, and all those firsts. We may not have near the money, but we sure have gone and seen and done. It has been great. I recently wrote on my Facebook page, as a status update, the following:

The vast expanse, to see the sun through a glass of mead to remember golden wheat. Silver dew on ancient mountains and distant misty islands seen from Shikoku. I am feeling all the time in my eyes, and a few more joys are . .. . I am thankful and it feels a little greedy to look forward to anything with so many fine memories.

Time has been kind & I don't believe there is anything wrong with acknowledging the incredible grace I have been given, in finding and being loved by my wife.

 

[taku60]

I agree with Kscasey about the cureent situation.....

Regarding the original thread topic/ title.... I think that making comparissons is unfair. I would not make a verbal comparisson. If I noticed something similar to a previous marriage, I would simply file it away in my head. I don't believe that anything productive can be gained by pointing out to the second things like the first. By that I mean saying things like "You are just like my first who........." Or "I wish you did this like my first........" etc. I DO believe that there is nothing wrong with discussing things from previous marriages, if they can help to explain why you may act/ react a certain way to things. For example: "I'm sorry that I act this certain way, when I was married to my first spouse......." That is no different than explaining how you may react to things based upon how you were raised by your parents. It is simply providing a factual explanation for why you have been conditioned to act in certain ways. It can help your spouse understand you based upon your history, and even to know that it is not something personal against them. Recognizing what things may trigger certain behaviors can also help you learn how to retrain yourself in a new environment.

I don't believe it is healthy nor productive to make comparissons. By saying you loved one more because you were willing to marry them sooner...... that's a crock. Love is not a contest to see who can fall fastest. To compare the amount of money/ home the ex is living in as opposed to your current situation..... bah. To be honest, I do not understand when new wives/ husbands are jealous over the relationship that their spouse has with their children..... which is what is sometimes amounts to. I would want and encoruage any future husband to be an active part in his children's lives. Anything less from him would actually be a warning sign to me. If he is not comitted/dedicated to providing the best for his children and to giving of himself to them, then imo he is not someone I would want in my life or could trust to be that way to me.

A husband and wife relationship or even if they are engaged or whatever should come before the kids. Kids should come second to your spouse, you can rant and rave all you want about it but spouse comes first otherwise your relationship will not last.

 

[BarelyBreathing]

A husband and wife relationship or even if they are engaged or whatever should come before the kids. Kids should come second to your spouse, you can rant and rave all you want about it but spouse comes first otherwise your relationship will not last.

A man or woman should not place a bf or gf before their kids. A man or woman should place their children, and the needs of their children, before the needs of a gf or bf. It should never be a battle of wills or a contest for attention and resources.

 

[dayhiker]

I don't know how long you were married the 1st time, but most people don't have a lot when they get married. Over the years they build some wealth as they work together. If they are married long enough. So who can expect the 2nd marriage to start out as wealthy as the 1st ended? At best combining the couples moneey would get one there. But even then transitions cost quite a bit of money, sometimes a lot. I a person didn't understand that, then I'd say they are missing some basic understandings of who the world fuctions.

dayhiker

Well, I simply can't give my current SO an equivalent house right now. When alimony dries up next fall and I pay off a couple bills, then I'd be more than happy to do it. However, all she sees when I say 'be patient, let me get my finances in order' is ' he's unwilling.'

Yes, my new wife, when or if that happens, shoudl be more important, but a wedding ring doesn't change reality, at least not my financial reality.

The second issue is that I proposed to my first wife and was married to her less than 6 months after we started dating. The spent years trying to make it work. I consider that rush to marriage one of my biggest mistakes ever. yet, my gf keep saying 'you were willing to marry her after three months, you must love her more than you do me.' That's not fair, at least not to me.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

It's amazing how some things just leap out at you from a post and it seems so clear. I see big, major red flags. Your gf seems very immature and I think it has nothing to do with her age. She's quite old enough to have a big girl understanding of the world. She sounds like she is is financially irresponsible and since that is a very common cause of divorce I think that should be an area you explore asap. Is she actually wanting you to buy a house when you can't afford it? Check out Proverbs for what you should be looking for in a wife. Of course the woman in 31 is already married, but do you see any of those traits in your gf?

And comparing the time you dated your ex before proposing is just astounding. She's trying to force a proposal by nagging you and you don't see that as a problem? Is this a woman who is a Christian and do you ever see her submitting to God and to you as spiritual leader? Are you ready to be that leader because it sounds like she wants to wear the pants. Are you glorifying God in this relationship? Are you seeking God's direction and willing to obey His leading?

I don't want to misrepresent her - she feels I'd be unwilling even if I could afford it, and she'd mad as h*** about the money I've paid my ex (court ordered, but an agreed compromise) for the last two and half years. She thinks tha I am more interested in taking care of my ex than her. I've been trying to get it lowered ever since the divorce went final, but was soft about it and it just got done a month or so ago. In that time, I've been foolish with my money and also tried to support my GF and now I'm a bit in the hole for a while. Unfortunately, she sees that as my fault for not cutting off the ex (she thinks what I'm paying now is too much and told me to stop paying and let her sue) earlier.

It's a tough row to hoe right now-I'm not gonna stand here and say I haven't made any mistakes with her at all. We're gonna see a counselor next week to talk some of this out.

 

[overit]

I don't want to misrepresent her - she feels I'd be unwilling even if I could afford it, and she'd mad as h*** about the money I've paid my ex (court ordered, but an agreed compromise) for the last two and half years. She thinks tha I am more interested in taking care of my ex than her. I've been trying to get it lowered ever since the divorce went final, but was soft about it and it just got done a month or so ago. In that time, I've been foolish with my money and also tried to support my GF and now I'm a bit in the hole for a while. Unfortunately, she sees that as my fault for not cutting off the ex (she thinks what I'm paying now is too much and told me to stop paying and let her sue) earlier.

It's a tough row to hoe right now-I'm not gonna stand here and say I haven't made any mistakes with her at all. We're gonna see a counselor next week to talk some of this out.

Oh dear heavens, sorry AFT but the sense of entitlement this girl has just BLOWS my MIND! How dare she! You don't owe it to her to support her. She's a capable adult and should support herself! So what is she with you for..the amount you can "provide" and you're not even married! Can I tell you what will happen if you two divorce?
Sorry but this one has gold digger written all over her...and materialistic. Is she with you for you or what you can give her...she has no * right to tell you how much you should/shouldn't support your ex-spouse or what you SHOULD provide for her.

I'm always in awe in how guys end up with girls like this, and how on earth do they even keep them? I would never FATHOM expecting this from someone.

You don't owe her anything-or to support her AND put yourself further distress financially-especially if you have a financial court ordered obligation for a while-your priority SHOULD be to finish paying that-lower it if you can, sure....but wow the nerve of this chick.

I assuem you have children w/your ex-wife? I assume your ex-wife needs time to get on her feet financially while caring for the kids? I'm assuming that YOU are doing the right thing-it sure seems you aren't out to screw your ex but ensure they are provided for for a transition period. GOOD FOR YOU! Very few men are this way. She (your gf) shoudl ADMIRE this trait of yours honestly...you're not a man to shirk and toss them to ruin just because your marriage ended. That is a man of character-and that would be exactly what would attract me to a man.

It's preposterous to me that a simple girlfriend thinks she has the right to tell you to stop paying your exwife and let her sue. Eventually the support will do down (and believe me I never received a dime of alimony never tried for it and generally unless in rare cases I don't like the whole alimony ordeal anyway) and you two can build a life. It doesn't matter that you can't provide what you did for your ex-divorce costs money...they set you back. If I were in your shoes I would send that girl packing-and quick and find someone who will love you and care for you for WHO you are, not how much $ you have, can provide or make demands like this...like I said and she's only a gfriend. UGHHH that irks me, darn entitled princesses. Writing on the wall this girl is NOT who you want on your side long term AFT. I've known you from the boards quite some time...and I hate seeing people I know being taken advantage of.

Tell her to work hard, earn her degrees, get a good job, build up a nest egg and buy her own darn house....waiting on a man to do it for her and then throw fits when he can't. She's a leach dude!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I assuem you have children w/your ex-wife? I assume your ex-wife needs time to get on her feet financially while caring for the kids? I'm assuming that YOU are doing the right thing-it sure seems you aren't out to screw your ex but ensure they are provided for for a transition period. GOOD FOR YOU! Very few men are this way. She (your gf) shoudl ADMIRE this trait of yours honestly...you're not a man to shirk and toss them to ruin just because your marriage ended. That is a man of character-and that would be exactly what would attract me to a man.

Ha! My ex-wife left me for another man in Feb 2006. From then til August I paid her half my income tax free while she is still a year from an associates in nursing right now. She's had time to get on her feet.