Second Guessing

[jynx]

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[4Everloved]

Yes, I have struggled with this too. Especially since I found out I have bipolar. I don't want to use bipolar as an excuse, but at the same time I logically understand that it has been affecting me...probably for about 27 years. It is believed that I've had bipolar since I was 20 years old. I am now 47 and have not even been diagnosed 1 year. So I've run a long time. I "coped" and survived the best I could.

Now I try to figure out if my actions, moods, changes in outlook are coming from bipolar or my circumstances around me.

And I think way, way too much. I have always thought too much. So much that I've struggled with insomnia for about half of my life.

Let a trusted counselor know about what you're going through. If you're like me, it's hard to find one you trust, and you said yourself that you have trust issues. I pray that God will help you with this and find you the right doctor for you. God so much loves you and I am certain that He wants you to have peace.

Sometimes when I can't decide whether a conflict is my fault, the other person's fault, or both of us...I hand it over to God and ask Him to be the judge. That ALWAYS helps resolved the situation. Honest. Sometimes I don't do this! And I can tell the difference.

I also tell my counselor about it in case she needs to counsel me further or try a different medication. It took several tries before I found the right counselor. Bossy, controlling counselors think they know it all, but they don't have the ability to assist you!

I will be praying for you. You sound like a very sweet, loving person and I know that God is on your side. If God be for you, who can be against you? The Holy Spirit wants to let you know when you sin, and doesn't want false guilt haunting you.

At the same time, I understand how you feel! I can identify. Does that sound weird? I often wonder if it's all my husband's fault that we can't get along, or how much of it is my fault. And I pray about it alot. And sometimes it seems that the Holy Spirit shows me something. If it is sin on my part, God is gentle with me and doesn't condemn me in a "shaming" way. I am His daughter. He directs me and teaches me lovingly, even when I am wrong.

Jesus loves you.

 

[Alive again]

Are you getting tired of hearing form me yet??? Uhm, did you just get inside my head and describe me????? I am soo busy today I do not have time to go into much detail, but yes, I live with second guessing my decisions and reliving happenings and just trying to tell myself get over it!!! My Dad was BP2 and had rages at times, and Mo would just sit there and say I'm Sorry! My bro who was also BP2 was verbally abusive and then my hubby was also coz nothing was ever HIS fault, so I couldn't possibly remember it right-tis amazing how I used to let him rewrite reality and believe it was all my fault! Can get into much more today with my limited time, but we can chat more later if others do not address this issue before then!

 

[goldenviolet]

at first my post will seem unconnected to your situation. lol. but it's all about building you up. hi! i'm dee! glad you joined us!
some days are just worse than others! lol. oh-yeah! my thinking gets to races and my stress and anxiety get so high, that i can't make dicisions clearly. this is my warning sign to relapses in mental and/or in moods. i carry a list of meds, and a list of emergency info. i feel shaky; i check my meds (incase i forgot), i have PRNs (seditives to take for emergencies), and a list of things telling me what i may need: everything from eatting to get my blood sugar levels up, to activities that help distract and calm me... (listening to music, feeding the ducks), phone numbers to my hubby, friends, family, counsellors, doctors, etc.... and most of all:
i practice affirming i'm an adult, it's my choices, right or wrong, it's up to me... and i have every right to draw my own boundries, just like everyone else. my illness may sometimes worry other's: but that's just too bad (like nosy family )... if they treat me less than an adult, i just respectfully go my way. they've learned this. relationships and respect are a constant thing to work on. so we still have our moments. and i've been hospitalized against my will a few times too many (by my doctors): but it's life. my life (i'm content where the Lord has me). sometimes i need a reality check that i don't see. but for the most part, i'm learning when i need to evaluate what i need; and how to obtain what's best in the moment. it's a practiced thing. i still have my illnesses sneak up on me un-noticed; and hindsight see my errors... but that's ok too. everyone has their share of trials and flaws. i can proudly learn from my mistakes, and lean on how valuable i am to God and my family. having support right where you are will be nessasary. we all need fellowship and support. so, you have found a lovely community here in BP. we all have eachother! welcome to our community! recovery is all about getting through life together xo dee

visit our thread of things that we do to help ourselves and eachother.
Sticky: *~*~*~*...us Bipolar exsperts on managing skills...*~*~*~*

 

[jynx]

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[Alive again]

Jynx, You are RIGHT!! You are not the abuser, you are not Jim! No need to carve it out. You are you and taking responsibility for your illness and you choices. Done deal, live by that truth, doesn't matter whatever garbage other people say! Looking like someone, having certain similar characteristics in looks or behavior, doe snot, NO WAY, make you lie the other person or going to be "the same as" Hugs dearest beloved daughter of the Kings of Kinds, a TRUE PRINCESS! God is your true Father and you are like HIM!!!!

BTW you will not be censured for anything shared here! We do have an informal policy is something we are posting may trigger someone else's issues we identify it either at the top of the thread or in the very first word sin a post. That way we know don't read unless you can deal with what I say, thus when I posted a recent abuse type event about my hubby and I, I label the thread Warning poss trigger for those with abuse issues, or you can just say warning possible trigger. That way we can each avoid or read anything we chose and we are still being careful of everyone!

Hmm...

No joke. My male parental figure is an undx'd biploar or schizioaffective type. Highly paranoid. voilent, horrific fits of rage. beat the tar outa me. among other things. then he'd come back in my room five minutes later apologizing for his temper and offer to "buy me off" with an ice cream or some other gift.

mom would ignore. walk away. go to church. go the the pastor's house (she was an associate pastor) burry her nose in a book. she'd never come back down that hall. she never defended me...until one easter when he tried to kill me on the front lawn and the neighbors saw it...then she "had" to do something. I was...10? He tried to choke me to death because I argued with my little sister in the church parking lot becasue she was taking forever to get into the car... and when we came home he was mad and hollered at me to get outa the car and I wouldn't cuz i knew the rear end bustin i was gonna get. so i slid over to the side of the minivan that didn't have the sliding door and simply refused to get out. he came in after me, wrapped his hands around my neck and proceeded to choke the life outa me. i kicked him where it counted he let go enough i could breathe or else i would've died there in the driveway. Mom had the audiacity to ask me why i kicked him in the n*ts. she didn't belive me he was trying to kill me. she did not belive me... she always apologized for my dad too...constantly. made excuses for him. after the Easter bit she divorced him.. the church people knew then... it was all about keeping up appearances. she was paranoid herself. she tried to keep us secluded and tucked away in the name of some pervert maight come harm us. the temptation to swear here is great...but the pervert was my father, the perv was in our house. not some unnamed assalant that was lurking behind a bush ready to kidnap me. hello woman... she was paranoid that people would think she was an alkie because someone had put their empty six pack of beer in our trash can. wow. she came unhinged then too. only difference between mom's paranoid and dad's was hers was in the name of religion and God...and you could almost buy into it... and his was outright crazy...no other way arond it. He still is that way. so is she.

ugh

i too don't want to use bp as my excuse. i am sooo much more than this mental glitch intbetween my ears. I don't want to become the monsters that raised me. It is in me, I know it. It bubbles up to the surface unexpectedly. The difference is I back down. I walk away...and I KNOW IT IS THERE IN ME. I take steps not to be like him. he was crazy. couldn't keep a roof over his head. juped from job to job. irrational. get quick schemes... everyone says I am like Jim. I look like him. I have his personality. *cringe* that is the part of me I wish to c*rve away and discard. I am me. I am different. i am not the abuser. I am not the pervert. I am not the crazy man who distroyed four peoples lives. I love, I accept

and i will stop. i can go on forever and i will be prompty audited off this site.

Then there was the emotion abuse. it was horrific. i didn't realize it was mind games until i married the good and diecent man i have for a mate now and had a family of my own.... then i realized that things weren't supposed to work the way I was raised.

see it is difficult to type here because i am sensoring myself in part because of this site, the other because of my "glitch"

I know God loves me. I know God has a purpose for my life, if nothing more than to raise my five kids in His love. but... I pray to be released from this stumbling block. I have laid it at His feet. I refuse to pick it back up but satan keep throwing it back infront of my feet everytime I try to move forward. I don't understand why these things still haunt me. why can't i move forward? why can't i lay this burden down and LEAVE IT at HIS FEET???? what am I doing wrong. what am i missing? i simply don't get it.

 

[jynx]

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[Soulwings]

Jynx Prayers heading your way. I don't know what else to say, except that I am here if you need to talk... what you are going through sounds like more than anyone could bear... that is why God is there. And I hope hope hope that He reaches in and helps you, bc intervention of the divine sort is kind of beyond what we can do as humans. Take care and know that we will be praying for you.

 

[Alive again]

Joining in these prayers!

 

[goldenviolet]

HHHmmm... ? there wasn't anything wrong with the posts, to delete. *HUG* it's ok.
you share as you need to. we'll be here. xo dee

 

[jynx]

I am an angry kinda gal at times. I do have alot of pent up rage in me and the background I hail from has bred a long line of hot headed, mean spirited individuals...that I have swore to not emulate.

With that being said.

I AM MAD

and I am trying to justify it. Hubbie pulled a no brainer stupid stunt that costs us some moola that didn't have to spend in the first place and the cops had to come out to my house to take a report. grumble grumble grumble.

I know I have a right TO be MAD but HOW much anger is appropriate???? It's like my sensability meter is broken.. I tend to over react, over exaggerate emotions. Especially...especially ANGER. If I let myself do what I am drawn to do he'd have a speed knot yanked on his head and a black eye at the least I'd holler till the neighbors woke up. neither would be good.

What types of measures do I need/could I put in place to reasure my reactions are with in the norm? I can't continue with this second guessing crud. It leaves me in a constant state of turmoil and unrest. My husband is not a good sounding board for emotional status. He tends to under-react to everything. I don't have anyone else in my immeadate space that could be of assistance. I need to write out a set of guidelines for myself on what is appropriate responses and what isn't...and what warrants a second opinon. I'd like your'alls input on this. the writing it out process has helped in times past. I spent six months writing down all my triggers and the responses to those triggers and things I could do to prevent being triggered by it.....and it worked out very well. I had a good friend who knew me help me with it, and she picked out a few things I missed as being a trigger for me...

but I need guidelines for appropriate expressions of anger.

i know it might sound stupid to some people. maybe it is. but it is me and the way i cope.

I NEED PEACE. I need REST...in my mind, in my body in my spirit.

I know this IS NOT the way GOD wants me to be. I can be of no use to Him when I am like this.

 

[Soulwings]

I am not a very good anger-responder myself. I tend to have inappropriate affect, laughing bc I am afraid that I will scream, or screaming/mild swearing when someone does something to me or something of mine (like searching my space ), or seething silence (most frequent). It really depends on the situation but I really am not impressed by my ability to handle any sort of negative emotion - constructively, that is. All said and done, though, I don't usually get angry. And when I do, it is usually with myself, so I don't usually show it to others... just get furious with myself inside my head. But anger outside of my head... *shudder*

However, Jarrod (fiancé) brought up a very good point - do a 24 hour thing - you allow yourself to chill for 24 hours after an angry upset, and then talk about it with your husband, your children, whoever has upset you at the time. That doesn't work too well with me when Jarrod upsets me, since if I don't speak up immediately, I don't usually speak up at all (I guess my anger responses are rather mixed up...), but it works well for some people and some situations. So it may be a thing for you to consider.

Another thing that J & I learned in our premarital class is to never use accusatory statements when talking about upsets with spouses (spice? ). What I mean is - never say "You made me feel blah blah blah when you did blah blah blah..." Instead, say something like "I feel blah blah blah bc you did blah blah blah." That brings in you and takes away the blame - bc even if whatever happened IS your husband's fault, or children's fault, or whoever's fault (speaking in broader terms than just this one incident), it's best to not upset them further. If you use the latter statement, then you are sharing your feelings and helping them understand where you are coming from, in a nonaccusatory manner. It's a hard thing to do, since we all are so accustomed to blaming each other and making it clear that we are doing that, but I think in the long run, it would/will be very helpful.

I hope some of that blathering helps. If I think of anything else I will write again.

 

[jynx]

I am one of those lovely people who gets angry inside my head frequently... BUT LMBO I am one of those ppl who will REMEMBER and HOLD A GRUDGE until I feel like penance has been paid....

I am awfully, really truly awfull...

i haven't had coffee yet, the elixer of motherhood... so I will return later .... i have an (duck hide RUNAWAY!!!!) idea!

 

[4Everloved]

jynx, you are very easy to love and to understand. When I read your posts, I see an honest person who I could trust to tell me the truth and to be a friend.

You didn't need to delete your other posts, but it's acceptable that you did.

We love you. You're always welcome here to be who you are and speak your mind.

 

[jynx]

You are a real sweetie.

 

[Alive again]

I too second what foreverloved said, and yes, you are both sweeties!


Ah anger, my son's famous quote about his rages (and a scary one I might add) Was there is hot anger and cold anger. I really like cold anger coz I can use it to control people!!!! YIKES!!!

Anyway, I am a book nut and an internal processor (that is why it has been so nice having an accepting and understanding outlet here) and tend to either blame myself (which can feed depression and suicidality)or my hubby (after all he is handy . . .which can feed manic rages). Some of the first things I came across that helped me was the I feel statements (and be careful I feel you are a jerk is NOT an I feel statement!) They did help me focus more on what was going on inside of myself. And then beginning to dig deeper beyond I feel angry, I feel angry because I feel ABANDONED, ALONE, unsafe, afraid or whatever, to find the root emotion. I feel angry because I am scared we will go bankrupt is a big one for me right now! From there I ran across Dr James Cecy and his training on emotions, what God created them for and what happens to them in a fallen world, especially his series on anger. Then I also ran across Dr Gary Chapman's book on Anger, the other side of love-It also deals with God's purpose for anger and how in this sin filled world we get it messed up. It truly helped me understand more "normal" anger responses and God's whole purpose behind emotions, and how we all as humans get it all messed up! Recently I got the anger workbook for my hubby, but he hasn't touched it yet, and SIGH probably won't.

Just know it is a process, many times it has taken far longer than I wanted to get there, and I still mess up, but that is also normal in this sinned filled world and in dealing with this illness. I now can keep myself from beating that tar out of my hubby (okay, I only left bruises once. . .) but I do not have these practically uncontrollable urges to hit him anymore-having a good med on board has helped. I use a tension tamer tea by Celestial Seasonings that helps me take the edge off of strong emotions. And I take a supplement daily Called Calm Advantage (It is expensive!!!) I do feel calmer overall with my new treatment, but this does not mean I do not still deal with these issues!

 

[Alaskamomma]

jynx, I haven't said hello to you yet, but I have enjoyed reading your posts. You are a great writer. Your energy comes through your words well. Nice to meet you.

 

[jynx]

Hi hun! It is nice to meet you also!!!

thankyou for the comment!

 

[4Everloved]

"and be careful, "I feel you are a jerk" is NOT an 'I feel' statement!" (Quote from AliveAgain)

Too Funny!!!!

I can't count how many times I've said inappropriate "I feel" statements to my husband. An example might be, "I feel like you are eating up my brain."

 

[jynx]

I use I feel statements only to my advantage, truthfully lol. Like... I feel like you should PICK UP YOUR SOCKS NOW!!!! or I feel like the trash need to be taken out NOW. (with defined emphasis on the cap words)