Searching for guidance

[Lost in Whittier]

To any potential readers:

The following is a letter that I've written trying to explain my feelings toward my wife about why I've reconsidered our marriage. I've already moved out on my own. I'm divorced from a previous marriage of 10 years, (1 good year and the other 9 very alcoholic).

In my current marriage, we've only been married for 7 months, but I've known her for nearly 20 years. I am now a recovering alcoholic with 18+ months sobriety. I've lived in a shell for a very long time and am currently on a path to self-discovery. I haven't been happy in my life for quite some time now and the only thing that I brought to my current marriage while living there is distance from one another. Not because I don't love her, but because I can't give to her right now what any woman deserves from her husband. She also has 3 children from a prior relationship that I have a difficult time putting up with. They're only there part-time, but even then it's difficult to tolerate them. This is what I had to say:

I've been in pursuit of my relationship with God for 5 years now. Like a
lot of would be followers have done, I have cursed Him and praised Him at
the same time and have struggled beyond measure to find his Will for me.
I try to give in and let "what is" be "what is", and then fixate on taking
care of the tasks that are at hand. Not worrying about yesterday or
tomorrow or trying too hard to figure Him out.

But the one thing that I've prayed for and prayed for is to be happy in my
life. To find out what it is that makes me (Paul) happy. It seems to be
something that He wants me to figure out for myself, because no matter
what has been introduced into my life over the years, nothing as stayed
with me to a point that it has filled me up inside. This IS an inside job
for me, I will not give up until I find out what it is that I'm missing in
my life and why I feel so empty and meaningless about who I am. Did you
know that I can't even name off three values that I firmly believe in? I
don't even think I have any.


I can't stand the fact that I'm losing you, that I don't talk to you the
way we used to talk and that I seemed to have betrayed everyone involved.
I miss your tenderness and your many scents. There's a lot about being
with you that I miss. But I also know that I can't be there with
you and contribute to this commitment when my heart isn't there to put in
the work. It's like trying to pour water out of an empty bottle. I have
no strength. I'm numb and emotionally tapped. I'm unhappy and have been
for years.

I had to believe that I was ready for you and another family. That
another love or relationship would fix what I couldn't understand or
figure out about what it is that has been ailing me for so long. That
perhaps you were the answer and that it was no coincidence that I felt about you the way that I did. Why else would you be there ? I had to believe that I could do it. I had to look past my own doubt and fear
about whether or not I should let love into my heart again. Were you the
answer to my prayers? If so, then WHY IS IT that I'm still feeling the
same way inside after believing that you were heaven sent? If He knows
our hearts, then why would He have us connect at that cross-road over two
years ago and then still leave me so empty inside?

It isn't right for me to be where I am and still be married. We are
separated, no matter what the reasons are. Nothing has changed for me
either. Bottom line is that I made a decision to do something that I
wasn't ready to do and that it nearly crushes me that you're the one I'm
doing this to.

My feelings are real Tyny. I can't move forward knowing that you're
there waiting for me to return when I can't even tell you that I am.

I think we should consider a dissolution.

I haven't given it to her yet.

Can someone please tell me something?

 

[Truly Blessed]

Hi, and welcome to CF. I noticed this is your first post on CF. But here is my opionion.

I am also a friend of Bill W. for 18 yrs. In 18 months everything changes so fast; And even people in AA suggest no major changes for 1 yr. You could still be on an emotional roller coaster which it sounds like by your post.

A marriage is not suppose to fix what is broken inside you or your feelings. Just because you do not feel "in love" (feelings are fickle by the way) doesn't mean you can't do the action steps of "love".

I would suggest you take a long time to make any decision regarding a divorce (call it what it is). I do not believe it is the right thing to do just because you dont "feel" in love.

God brings people in our lives and we have to figure out how to handle the situations. Usually best with God's help.

Enjoy CF; I sure do.

Peace,

TB

 

[IslandBreeze]

You want a divorce, and you wrote your wife a letter?

Gee....how....cowardly of you...

I don't know the reasons behind you wanting a divorce. I believe that divorce without an adultery taking place is Biblically wrong, but if you're going to get out anyway, at least stand up and be a man and tell her to her face. You didn't take your vows by letter, did you?

 

[EmSchmem]

You want a divorce, and you wrote your wife a letter?

Gee....how....cowardly of you...

I don't know the reasons behind you wanting a divorce. I believe that divorce without an adultery taking place is Biblically wrong, but if you're going to get out anyway, at least stand up and be a man and tell her to her face. You didn't take your vows by letter, did you?

Wow. No beating around the bush there. I have to agree with her though. My ex-fiance broke off our engaement over the phone. It's pretty cowardly. I have a particular problem with one thing the OP said. You said that God wants you to go find what will make you happy? Where did you get that idea? Never are we told to go make outselves happy. We are told to love others. Over and over and over and over. Through this God provides for our needs. So to the OP get your focus off of yourself and onto the others in your life. Get over the "self" discovery and discover what God really wants for your life. You have all this sobriety use it to serve others. There are plenty of people who still find them selves totally entrenched with no sobriey at all.
Save your marriage. LOVE you wife. You're not called to love your wife when you FEEL like it. That would make it entirely too easy. Loving her is an action. Go home, rub her back, tell her she's beautiful, write her a poem, bring her a rose, do the dishes, take out the trash, run her a bubble bath, tell her your wrong first in your next argument. Whatever it takes. Forget this divorce stuff. You tried to sound as if you're doing it for her but I frankly think that is a cop out.

 

[Manna]

You're not called to love your wife when you FEEL like it.

Amen!!

You made the vows...I'm sorry that you're having second thoughts at this point, but it's just a tad too late. If you were looking for justification for your divorce, I'm afraid you've come to the wrong forum. Here at CF we stand with the Bible and God's views on marriage and divorce.

There are some wonderful Christian marriage counselors out there. Have you thought about giving it another shot? 7 months is an awfully short time to have made any decisions.

Good luck. Tether only to God!!

 

[bliz]

Well, you probably should not have gotten married... but you did. You made a commitment. You made a promise. ANd now, for some reasons tht really do not hold up very well, you wantout of the deal, and with the blessing of others.

You say that you are like and empty bottle with nothing to pour out. Perhaps your wife can help fill you up? Maybe right now what you need is to receive. That is also part of love - often the part many of us are uncomfortable with.

Love is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings come and go in the best of marriages. When the feelings go, we need to act a if they are still there. Often it is in the doing when we don't feel like, that the feelings come back. Sometimes quickly, but they do come back.

A good translation of the Bibical word "blessed" is happy. You talk about not being happy - perhaps you don't know what happy looks like. Take a look at some of the "blessed" passages in scripture. God does not want us to be mirisible beings, but God's definition of happy sounds different than yours.

 

[charligirl]

The only place you are going to find answers to what you are looking for is at the cross. You need to run to the cross and pour your heart out to Father God and ask Him to show you who you are IN HIM.

No one, not a wife. not a husband can ever fill the space you have because God and God alone is designed to do that, it is a God shaped space - of course your wife will not be able to, and neither will you by running out of this marriage to look for the answers, I can assure you of that.

Marriage does not run on love, it runs on Covenant, it is a daily choice and to be brutally honest, feelings are neither here nor there, they come and go with the weather, your mood, your financial situation, and a million and one other things - love is a choice and you made a committment to your current wife - runing out on this marriage will not help you to find yourself any quicker. It's in God (and he can use your wife to help the process) that you find acceptance and love and self esteem.

Run to him, and please please reconsider, do not send the letter, instead find a good christian counsellor to help you both through this time. Or go to one on your own to sort your own head out - but don;t run out on another marriage because of your feelings.

 

[mghalpern]

The only place you are going to find answers to what you are looking for is at the cross. You need to run to the cross and pour your heart out to Father God and ask Him to show you who you are IN HIM.

No one, not a wife. not a husband can ever fill the space you have because God and God alone is designed to do that, it is a God shaped space - of course your wife will not be able to, and neither will you by running out of this marriage to look for the answers, I can assure you of that.

Marriage does not run on love, it runs on Covenant, it is a daily choice and to be brutally honest, feelings are neither here nor there, they come and go with the weather, your mood, your financial situation, and a million and one other things - love is a choice and you made a committment to your current wife - runing out on this marriage will not help you to find yourself any quicker. It's in God (and he can use your wife to help the process) that you find acceptance and love and self esteem.

Run to him, and please please reconsider, do not send the letter, instead find a good christian counsellor to help you both through this time. Or go to one on your own to sort your own head out - but don;t run out on another marriage because of your feelings.

charligirl... Ditto! I couldn't have said it any better. I'm really glad you posted this because I didn't want to come off as some of the other posts did, so I waited for something to say and you said it beautifully...Michael

 

[bkg]

The only place you are going to find answers to what you are looking for is at the cross. You need to run to the cross and pour your heart out to Father God and ask Him to show you who you are IN HIM.

No one, not a wife. not a husband can ever fill the space you have because God and God alone is designed to do that, it is a God shaped space - of course your wife will not be able to, and neither will you by running out of this marriage to look for the answers, I can assure you of that.

Marriage does not run on love, it runs on Covenant, it is a daily choice and to be brutally honest, feelings are neither here nor there, they come and go with the weather, your mood, your financial situation, and a million and one other things - love is a choice and you made a committment to your current wife - runing out on this marriage will not help you to find yourself any quicker. It's in God (and he can use your wife to help the process) that you find acceptance and love and self esteem.

Run to him, and please please reconsider, do not send the letter, instead find a good christian counsellor to help you both through this time. Or go to one on your own to sort your own head out - but don;t run out on another marriage because of your feelings.

I personally agree with all of the posts thus far, but as Michael said, this one is stated extremely well.

bkg

 

[Cright]

I've just recieved some litature for pre-marital counceling... I read some excellent scripture pointed out in it last night too.... I'll bring it with me to work tomorrow to show you some excellent scriptures from the Word for you to think about and work over in your mind.
Until then saying a for you!

God Bless,
Carina

 

[Katydid]

How about instead of pushing your wife, your helpmate out of the way for you to get closer to G-d, you pull her close and lean on her and ask her to help you in finding out His plan. There is a wonderful devotional called, "Night Light for Couples" by Dr. James Dobson and his wife. It really brings you closer to your spouse. It will open up communication, just by the questions at the end of each story. You need to lean on your wife, not push away your one and only support right now.

 

[Cright]

I'm back.. sorry so late in the day...

I wanted to just give you some passages to look at regarding grounds for divorce...
Matt 5:32
Matthew 19:9
(the NT grounds for divorce are for sexual sin - greek word 'porneia' which is a general term that encompasses sexual sin such as adultery, homosexuality, bestiality and incest. This allows the faithful partner to divorce, also see 1 Cor 7:15)

then...
1 Cor 7:12-15
(if you are married to a non-believer who does not want to live wiht you, divorce is allowed but not preferred)

conclusion: you are a believer? and she has not sinned sexually? than God does not want you to divorce.

Remember... God's will will never contradict his word.

my suggestion (for whatever it's worth): Is to get involved in 1) a support group of people struggleing with similar hurts and habits and 2) find an individual (or 2) to become accountibility partners with. 3) keep her informed and pray for both of you.

If you are in the USA... check out this site and try to find a group near you... it's a Christian based fellowship group for people recovering (from whatever, not just drugs or drinks.. could also be anger mgnt. ect..) http://www.celebraterecovery.com/index.asp

Think of how much closer you and your wife could become if you allowed her to be your support (made from your side, the rib!) as you grew in Christ. Think of how pleasing it would be to you and her and the Lord.. if you grew old together. This CAN work!



God Bless,
Carina

 

[mghalpern]

I'm back.. sorry so late in the day...

I wanted to just give you some passages to look at regarding grounds for divorce...
Matt 5:32
Matthew 19:9
(the NT grounds for divorce are for sexual sin - greek word 'porneia' which is a general term that encompasses sexual sin such as adultery, homosexuality, bestiality and incest. This allows the faithful partner to divorce, also see 1 Cor 7:15)

then...
1 Cor 7:12-15
(if you are married to a non-believer who does not want to live wiht you, divorce is allowed but not preferred)

conclusion: you are a believer? and she has not sinned sexually? than God does not want you to divorce.

Remember... God's will will never contradict his word.

my suggestion (for whatever it's worth): Is to get involved in 1) a support group of people struggleing with similar hurts and habits and 2) find an individual (or 2) to become accountibility partners with. 3) keep her informed and pray for both of you.

If you are in the USA... check out this site and try to find a group near you... it's a Christian based fellowship group for people recovering (from whatever, not just drugs or drinks.. could also be anger mgnt. ect..) http://www.celebraterecovery.com/index.asp

Think of how much closer you and your wife could become if you allowed her to be your support (made from your side, the rib!) as you grew in Christ. Think of how pleasing it would be to you and her and the Lord.. if you grew old together. This CAN work!



God Bless,
Carina

Carina... Amen to the quote in bole red...an pretty much the entire post...Michael