seagull jokes

[theseagullwithoneleg]

SAS
One day three men decided to join the SAS and are all called together to see the interviewer.
"Tell me," said the interviewer, "who do you love more, your country or your wives?"
All three men replied that they loved their country more.
The interviewer stared at them and said, "We want you to prove this. Your wives are sitting in separate rooms nearby. Here is a gun, go and kill your loved one!"
The first recruit gulps, stares at the gun for a moment then says, "I'm sorry, I can't do it!" then left the room.
The second recruit picked the gun up walked into the room, and after came out with his wife in his arms crying. "I'm sorry I can't do it either!" then left.
The third picked the gun, walked into the room and closed the door behind him. Suddenly there was a series of gunshots then a brief silence. Then something smashing, some screaming and then total silence.
Grinning and breathless, the recruit comes out of the room covered in blood.
The interviewer looked at him and said, "What the heck happened?"
"Well," said the recruit, "the gun you gave me was filled with blanks, so I had to beat her death with the chair!"

 

[theseagullwithoneleg]

WASPS

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is
taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they
make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised
in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd
like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the
LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on
the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step
into the booth, I can let you have another few minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Five minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European
wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise
any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like
to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just
realised I was playing you the bee side."

 

[theseagullwithoneleg]

an accordian player is driving home from a late night gig. feeling tired, he pulls over for some coffee. while waiting to pay, he remembers that he locked his car doors but left his accordian in plain view on the back seat of his car! he rushes out only to discover that hes too late - the side window of his car has been smashed and somebody has thrown in two more accordians.

 

[theseagullwithoneleg]

a drummer decides to learn how to play a real musical instrument. he goes into a musical store and says " i'll take that red trumpet and that accordian." the store assistant replies "ok, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator's got to stay."

 

[theseagullwithoneleg]

the colder the x-ray table...the more of your body is required on it

 

[theseagullwithoneleg]

to attract a vegetarian, make a noise like a wounded vegetable

 

[yippieforskippee]

haha i like the accordion one.

 

[yippieforskippee]

and the vegetarian!

 

[Joycelyn]

I totally love the accordian one as well...

 

[theseagullwithoneleg]

friendship is like peeing on yourself. everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings

 

[Dan Bell]

nice topic