Scottish humour 2

[DW1980]

The joke below is typical of the almost countless Scottish jokes related to their English neighbors to the South.

When God created Scotland, He looked down on it with great satisfaction. Finally he called the Archangel Gabriel to have a look. “Just see,” said God. “This is the best yet. Splendid mountains, beautiful scenery, brave men, fine women, nice cool weather. And I've given them beautiful music and a special drink called whisky. Try some.” Gabriel took an appreciative sip. "Excellent," he said. "But haven't you perhaps been too kind to them? Won't they be spoiled by all these things? Should there not be some drawback?"

“Just wait till you see the neighbours they're getting," said God.

 

[Heavenhome]

Love it!
You've gotta be Scottish??!!!

 

[harko]

Aye that wiz a grate joke there big yin

 

[DW1980]

Love it!
You've gotta be Scottish??!!!

Might be...

 

[JackRT]

A Scot walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony self-help books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Gae off, I'll nae gie it to ye, ye'll nae bring it back!"

 

[DW1980]

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"
The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

 

[DW1980]

Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much for a tooth extraction.
"Eighty-five pounds, sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och, have ye nay got anything cheaper," replies the Scot.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction," said the dentist.

"Er, what aboot if ye nay use any anesthetic," asks the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for 70 pounds."

The Scotsman scratches his chin a while.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one o' yer dentist trainees and still without anesthetic ?"

The dentist replied, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it will certainly be a lot more painful. However, in that case I could bring the price down to 40 pounds."

"Och, tha's still a tad too much for me. I'll tell yer what, man. How aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction without anesthetic and the other students standin' aroond watchin' and learnin', " said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Errr, well, OK," said the dentist. " It'll be good for the students I suppose. Under those circumstances, I think I could bring the price down to just ten pounds."

"Now yer talkin' laddie. It's a deal","said the Scot. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday...?"

 

[JackRT]

Three men married three girls. The first married an English girl. He told her to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.


The second married an Irish girl. He gave her orders to do all the house cleaning, dishes and cooking. On the first couple of days he saw hardly anything but by the end of the week the house was clean, the dishes done and the meals were on the table.


The third man married a Scots girl. He gave her orders to clean the house, do the dishes, mow the lawn, do the laundry and prepare all the meals. On the first day he didn't see anything, same on the second day but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. On the fourth day his arm was healed enough that he was able to make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[harko]

Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much for a tooth extraction.
"Eighty-five pounds, sir" was the dentist's reply.

"Och, have ye nay got anything cheaper," replies the Scot.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction," said the dentist.

"Er, what aboot if ye nay use any anesthetic," asks the Scotsman hopefully.

"Well, it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for 70 pounds."

The Scotsman scratches his chin a while.

"Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one o' yer dentist trainees and still without anesthetic ?"

The dentist replied, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it will certainly be a lot more painful. However, in that case I could bring the price down to 40 pounds."

"Och, tha's still a tad too much for me. I'll tell yer what, man. How aboot if ye make it a training session and have yer student do the extraction without anesthetic and the other students standin' aroond watchin' and learnin', " said the Scotsman hopefully.

"Errr, well, OK," said the dentist. " It'll be good for the students I suppose. Under those circumstances, I think I could bring the price down to just ten pounds."

"Now yer talkin' laddie. It's a deal","said the Scot. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday...?"

Yiv just hidmi laffin ti ah hid tears commin oot ma eyes

 

[Bob Crowley]

How was the Grand Canyon formed?

A Scotsman dropped a penny down a crack in Arizona.

 

[JackRT]

How was the Grand Canyon formed?

A Scotsman dropped a penny down a crack in Arizona.

Q. How was copper wire invented?

A. A Scot and a Dutchman spotted a penny at the same time.