Scared

[Loopi]

Things are pretty scary right now. Don't get me wrong, this isn't the first time i've felt like this, but it doesn't make it any less scary. It's 6am here, just gone. I'm not in the least bit tired. I'm figity, I'm aware of everything around me. I'm anxious. My sex drive is through the roof. I want to ring people and arrange going out tonight, even though I know that'll mean me getting ridiculously drunk so that I don't end up in a mindless rage with someone, screaming at them for doing something to irritate me. I'm sarcastic to the point i'm just being plain hurtful to my SO - yet i don't care. And I have all these brilliant ideas. I'm going to get a job, make some money. I'm going to finish all those things i've started because I don't need to sleep at all. Why even try when i'm not tired and there's so much I could be doing. All these ideas keep drifting into my head and they feel perfectly crafted. And some of these idea's are really scary.

My SO seems to think that he should be calling my dad or getting me some help or w/e. Docs have said there's jack all wrong with me so what "help" is there to be sought! Still, when it feels like he's turned against me, and I feel like i'm being "turned in" to my dad.....then who knows. If i think about this rationally, which is damn hard, I know that this isn't good. But then i get more scared, so going along with this flow of perfect ideas is the lesser of the two scary ideas.

But still >_<

 

[Alive again]

Loopi, It is great that you are so self aware and know that all these thoughts and feelings are not normal and so far are not acting on them. There is medicine and help when we get maniac and sometimes hospitalization to get things more manageable again is a blessing. Please do not let yourself go to far without seeking out any help you need. You did not say clearly that you have been diagnosed with bp, but it sounds like you could be, so forgive me if I assumed too much. But do not hesitate to call your doc to get help. Either mania or depression with this illness can be destructive to ourselves and those around us. Prayers!!! Please let us know how you are doing as you can.

 

[Loopi]

I havent been diagnosed with Bp. I was floating around these forums a month or two back, because my psychiatrist is an idiot and does nothing to help. She seems to think everything is all being made up for attention or something. If only it was. Despite my therapist, group therapist, bi-polar step mother, my father and numerous otheres suspecting that bp is infact what is wrong with me, my psychiatrist chose to ignore eveyrthing i said, belittle me, and refused to sign me off of college. I'm 17 so I can't get a second opinion as she;s the only psychiatrist in the adolescent mental health sector that I live within.


Managed to sleep for a few hours. Sat here now I feel awful. But yesterday I felt so amazing. In the space of 12 hours my mood has flipped to the other extreme. I don't even have the words.

Ergh, I want out of this rollercoaster.

 

[Jeshu]

Loopi,

You know doctors wont often diagnose - even someone with psychosis - it wasn't until my second psychosis that an incomplete diagnoses was made and not until four years and all in all four psychosis later that my current label was given me. (Schizo affective).
Mental illness is not just some illness to be easily slogged with and that is most likely why your doctor refuses to diagnose you at this moment in time

However we both know that this doesn't mean you haven't got it! Or that you not now already suffer the really bothersome and dangerous symptoms of a serious mental illness. My advise is to learn to meditate as a matter of highest urgency - EVERYTHING to keep in control and prevent psychosis. Please don't act on STRONG feelings and lightening sharp thoughts as they always seem to hurt us in the end. At all cost avoid excessive amounts of alcohol or drugs(especially speed and ecstasy) - perhaps leave that and booze altogether out of your diet. Build-up strong and loving relationship with those who stand around you - if you are really becoming sick then you are going to need all the help you can get - all your life work on doing this - as manic depression is difficult to survive without any true friends and/or loved ones.
Having read the symptoms you are suffering from, especially if you suffer from rapid cycling moods and chronic insomnia - only several hours sleep a day - you run the risk of becoming very unwell - psychosis. Psychosis doesn't only bring sky rocketing bouts of manic behaviour causing (self) destruction but in the end dies out into a soul crushing depression that may last many years - yet psychosis can be prevented by medications.

Some signs of an upcoming psychosis,
Increasingly suffer from rapid cycling moods which are further and further apart - both mania and depression.
Racing thoughts - you may have the sense of being superhuman.
Rage or other stirred up emotions.
Rapid and/or constant speech.
Inability to sit still or take a rest.
Suicidal thoughts.
Poor planning and decision making processes.
(Often the discontinuation of the menstrual cycle.)
Severe insomnia.
Extremely irritable - outbursts usually.
Addiction problems go through the roof.
Poor money management.
Spells of arrogant ideation.



I hope this helps a little. It is a very hard life being mentally ill so I hope and pray that you haven't got it - however if you do - be strong and courageous - and learn to stand up for yourself. If your episodes are getting more severe, consider going to the hospital while you are having one - this way you are making it easier for the doctors to diagnose you.

All the best and God's strength for the future.


Gerry

 

[Loopi]

Quick update.

Going to the docs at some point soon. Pretty much broke down last night and asked my boyfriend to ring and make a docs appointment. I can't continue like this. I spoke to my step mom and told her that i needed her to come to the docs with me and briefly explained why. She's gonna come. And we're gonna talk tonight

I'm now terrorfied of the docs, but i know I'm doing the right thing. Doesnt take the fear away though.

 

[Alive again]

Praying! You are doing the right thing! You are making incredibly wise choices in the midst of all of this!

 

[Loopi]

Doc's are doing nothing except bouncing me back to the same psych who denies anything being wrong with me. Right now I'm on a low, and close to giving up. My group therapist is concerned for me Trying my best to cope but i'm slipping more and more with every swing.

The downs are getting increasingly more hopeless so all I can do is ask for my dad to ring the adolescent mental health service and ask for an emergancy appointment.

But right now, I'm just going to curl up on my bed, and sleep. I'm so exhausted.

 

[Jeshu]

Hi Battler,
I think that you've got yourself in a really nasty bind. Possibly you have been to civil to your doctors. See if someone tells you really rationally that they are feeling irrational then it seems to be untrue. It seems to me that in your attempt to convince your doctor that you were sick, you worked the very opposite effect. The problem is that this doctor has now become of very little use to you - as s/he is unlikely to change his her mind.
The problem is that we, the mentally ill, often try VERY hard to appear normal, for we fear to be labelled a loony or something nasty like that, and in this way don't always show people how unwell we truly are until we become psychotic - and then it is to late.

I still suggest that you visit the hospital while you are experiencing an episode - if you are now already severely sick at times then this will show the doctors the true state of your illness and you will get the medications you need. Think by yourself if they saw and heard you rage, cry, fear, jump up and down from joy or cringe with suspicion - not drugs or alcohol - but sickness related what would they say then? Or what would they say if you don't respond to stimulation any more because you are to depressed to respond or even notice what they are saying to you?

Please think this through carefully if you crave help - show them the TRUE state of yourself - don't just tell them your symptoms BE them.

God Bless

Gerry

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

Doc's are doing nothing except bouncing me back to the same psych who denies anything being wrong with me. Right now I'm on a low, and close to giving up. My group therapist is concerned for me Trying my best to cope but i'm slipping more and more with every swing.

The downs are getting increasingly more hopeless so all I can do is ask for my dad to ring the adolescent mental health service and ask for an emergancy appointment.

But right now, I'm just going to curl up on my bed, and sleep. I'm so exhausted.

You know that is really great to hae a psychiatrist that says there is nothing wrong with you, and your mental illness, is psyhchosomatic from a need for attention. Your psychiatrist is telling you are normal, and you write with good grammer, your not rambling, damn I think you are normal.

My psychiatrist told me one time I am completely normal, but I need medication to stay that way, otherwise my thoughts get clouded, and I start thinking people are out to get me. But the medications I take completely correct that.

Honestly I think you need psychotherapy, just talk to a psychotherapist, and he or she, can help you deal with thinking you are going crazy, they can correct that just by talking to you and reasoning with you.

After about two years of psychotherapy, my therapist got me to realize that nobody was out to get me, and I'll never be able to figure out if ther is a God or not. Which was driving me nuts, and that is why they call it faith, you don't really figure out if christians have the truth or not, you just get convinced one way or the other, which is a part of a person's own spiritul journey, and makeup.

 

[Loopi]

On a few posts, how can you judge that i am "normal?" You have no idea if my good grammer, sentance structure etc is more of a product of upbringing (maybe i had a parent whom pushed good schooling/english skills, etc), a personality trait/flaw, or anything else. It could very easily be that I write well to mask how i'm feeling, in order to gain control, or that on my more muddled days i spend ages writing, rewriting and reading my posts so that they make sense. Not necessarily saying it IS the above, but really, from a few posts, how can anyone judge either way?! I didnt post here to get a diagnosis. I didn't post here for any other reason then to say that i'm terrorfied of whats going on inside my mind and how that effects my day to day life. With psychotherapy, i've spent six months within a weekly psychotherapy schedule. We talked in circles about my past, and found that actually, it was neither helping nor making me worse, it was a variable not effecting how my moods swing. I'm not lucky to have a psychiatrist that thinks i'm "normal", there is no blessing in someone who's seen me maybe four or five takes making a flash judgement and ignoring those who live with me and see the day to day way that i change. There is no blessing in being told you are normal when you feel like your going out of your mind one day, and are so depressed you struggle to take breath, let alone function.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Hi Loopi

I just came across your post...as you can see by the time of this post, I am not sleeping well either.

For many years I was told it was all in my head, I just wanted attention, I was too dramatic, I just didn't 'control' myself, I acted 'that way' to get my own way... and the list goes on.

Not until 4 yrs ago was I dignosed with b/p. Not till after taking my Mom to b/p counseling sessions with me...did I have another human that understood what I had gone through for all those years.

These sessions that I attended (only 1 a week for 6 weeks) gave me more information on mental illness than I had ever recieved in my lifetime.

Since Dec 07 I have been having the rollercoaster of my life! I won't bore you with the details... but I will give you examples...from vacumming my ceilings (because the rest of the house is clean) to sleeping 3 days in a row. One day my mind is as sharp as a knife...the next day I can't complete a thought. One day I feel like I can conquer the world...the next day I just want to disappear forever. These mentioned things don't always happen....but when they do...I scream "GET ME OFF THIS ROLLERCOASTER"!!!!

"Normal"??? When it comes down to it...who really is?
I don't believe gossip is normal or being mean, or talking behind someones back, judging others...and this list goes on endlessly...and yet all these things (and more) many 'normal' people do.

I work in Health Care, here in Canada. The very sad thing is that MANY in the system do not agree with nor acknowlege that mental illness is a disease. Just like heart failure, diabeties, cancer and the hundreds of other diseases that are out there. This makes it very difficult for one who has this illness to really find help.

I hope this makes sense Loopi
I just wanted to let you know
I know where you're coming from
and my heart goes out to you

s
Wendy