scared

[christianchoirgirl]

Hello all:
I am seeking some advice from you seasoned daters. Here's the scoop:
I began dating a guy this past weekend and we have spent every evening together since our first date. He is a wonderful Christian man, and I really do like him. He has been sick the last couple of days so he hasn't been able to go to work. Today I didn't hear from him at all, which is highly unusual, so I text messeged him to see if he was okay. It took him forever to reply and when he did, he said he was sicker than yesterday and he would talk to me later, which is also unusual. So I decided to call him and see what was going on and to tell him I was bring him some vitamins. He told me that he was going somewhere and that he would stop by later. He didn't call later, so I IMed him to see how he was feeling and he told me that he forgot he had a meeting. I could tell something else was wrong, so I asked him. He said he may be losing his job.
Background:
He just moved here 2 months ago, all the way across the country, for this job.
Ever since we started communicating, he has sent me little words of encouragement and cute couple things like how much he likes being with me, etc.

I am worried that he is upset with me or is not happy dating me. I have no idea what is going on. We haven't been dating long enough for me to know.
For my own peace of mind, I sent him an e-card letting him know that I am praying for him, and to seek the Lord. I also let him know that I am here day or night to talk.

Question:
Am I worried about something completely different than what I should be?
Guys: Do you tend to seperate yourself from your girlfriend when tough tings come up?
What should I be doing to support him and not be overbearing?

If anyone has ANY advice, I would be more than greatful!!! Thanks for all of your ears!
Christianchoirgirl

 

[Iceman_Aragorn]

Well I may not be the foremost authority in dating, but I do have a few responses.

First, the fact that he was sick and depressed could very well account for him not contacting you quickley/often with no reason to be suspscious. Losing your job is also a very hard thing to deal with, and he may be wallowing in self-pity or sadness at this point.

However, personally, if I were going through a hard time, I'd be grateful for my girlfriend's support, assuming we were already quite close. Being together for 2 months, I assume you are at least pretty close. The first thing I might advise, then, is to ask him to share with you what is going on, ie, is he upset about the job. Then, if you still get the sense that he is being distant, I might try directly asking how he thinks the relationship is going. This might shock him at first, but hopefully he would answer honestly. At that point, you'd have to be ready for what might come. He might say that he's glad you two are dating and that he's happy with the relationship (in which case its probably just the circumstances making him depressed/distant), or he might say that he's lost interest in you and the conversation could lead to a break up right then and there.

You would definately have to be prepared for such consequences if you ask for an honest answer. The alternative is to just ignore the problem for a few weeks, in which case he might start feeling better and paying more attention to you again, or he might continue to be distant. So maybe the question is, do you want to find out now or later whether he sees this as a long term relationship?

As I said to start with, I may not be the wisest person, so perhaps some other forum gurus might rebuke me and give you a better idea, but I am speaking from the perspective of what I might do in your shoes and what I might be thinking if I were in his shoes. I would probably let things slide for 5-7 days, then if no change had occured, I'd go for the honest question about how I feel uncertain, and ask for an honest answer.

 

[christianchoirgirl]

Thank you so much! I really appriciate the advise!

 

[InTheFlame]

You've only been dating this guy a week, right?

Sounds as though you've both been in full-on infatuation mode... until he started feeling sick enough to temporarily wipe out the lovey-dovey feelings. You know, some people take months or years to trust someone enough to feel OK about being sick and vulnerable around them... and some would simply feel bad about letting someone they've only been dating a week, look after them.

I'd think seeing each other every night is probably going to be a bit too much to keep going for long... you both need lives apart from each other remember!

So I guess what I'm thinking is -

He might be needing some time for himself
He might not feel right about letting you nurse him
He might not be comfortable with you seeing him all pasty, mucusy, etc

So I'd say, maybe leave the heart-to-hearts until after he's recovered and the job situation has been resolved. I know that when I'm stressed, I don't tend to talk about it heaps (I feel I get repetitive fast) and I'm generally NOT in the mood to talk about yet more stressful stuff. Or deal with a SO who's under the impression that the effects of sickness/stress are somehow their fault. On the other hand, love and useful stuff when I'm sick is ALWAYS appreciated You wouldn't believe how much I wanted to hug and kiss my brother-in-law when he drove over with some stuff for me when I was at home very sick, hardly able to get off the couch.

Have I wandered hopelessly? Hopefully that helped somehow! God bless.

 

[Grishnak]

Hello all:
I am seeking some advice from you seasoned daters. Here's the scoop:
I began dating a guy this past weekend and we have spent every evening together since our first date. He is a wonderful Christian man, and I really do like him. He has been sick the last couple of days so he hasn't been able to go to work. Today I didn't hear from him at all, which is highly unusual, so I text messeged him to see if he was okay. It took him forever to reply and when he did, he said he was sicker than yesterday and he would talk to me later, which is also unusual. So I decided to call him and see what was going on and to tell him I was bring him some vitamins. He told me that he was going somewhere and that he would stop by later. He didn't call later, so I IMed him to see how he was feeling and he told me that he forgot he had a meeting. I could tell something else was wrong, so I asked him. He said he may be losing his job.
Background:
He just moved here 2 months ago, all the way across the country, for this job.
Ever since we started communicating, he has sent me little words of encouragement and cute couple things like how much he likes being with me, etc.

I am worried that he is upset with me or is not happy dating me. I have no idea what is going on. We haven't been dating long enough for me to know.
For my own peace of mind, I sent him an e-card letting him know that I am praying for him, and to seek the Lord. I also let him know that I am here day or night to talk.

Question:
Am I worried about something completely different than what I should be?
Guys: Do you tend to seperate yourself from your girlfriend when tough tings come up?
What should I be doing to support him and not be overbearing?

If anyone has ANY advice, I would be more than greatful!!! Thanks for all of your ears!
Christianchoirgirl

As a man who put a lot of heart into his work, I can tell you that losing a job or job issues can be very overwhelming to a man.

If its really his job thats causing it, Id say all you can really do is just be there to talk to him when he needs you to.

"do unto others'' is always the best route.
You know when youre ready to talk that its great to have someone be there who really is listening and wants to be of help.
Just offer that to him.
If its the job, he'll figure out that lifes not over and come around.

 

[If Not For Grace]

It is not my intention to sound harsh, but you would drive me nuts with all the calling and needyish cards etc IF I WERE SICK.

Let him get well. There is nothing worse than some one poking at you all the time in the name of love when you are physically/mentally down.

Be there for him, be THERE--not up his _ _ s!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

This guy moved across the country for a job and he may be losing it?
The guy is probably falling to pieces at the moment and may overlook paying so much attention to you.

 

[~Nikki~]

Hello all:

I am worried that he is upset with me or is not happy dating me. I have no idea what is going on. We haven't been dating long enough for me to know.
For my own peace of mind, I sent him an e-card letting him know that I am praying for him, and to seek the Lord. I also let him know that I am here day or night to talk.

Question:
Am I worried about something completely different than what I should be?
Guys: Do you tend to seperate yourself from your girlfriend when tough tings come up?
What should I be doing to support him and not be overbearing?

If anyone has ANY advice, I would be more than greatful!!! Thanks for all of your ears!
Christianchoirgirl

IMHO you've let him know that you're there day or night to talk, and so if I was in your situation I think I'd just wait for him to get in contact...he knows you're there but keeping on pushing him and contacting him all the time just might put him off. I'm not saying it would definitely put him off, but in my experience and observations the more clingy the girl is, the more the guy backs off...so maybe it's best just to give him some space and see what happens. He'll get in touch when he's ready...

God bless

 

[christianchoirgirl]

I guess I should have given y'all some more background. Last summer I couldn't get a hold of my best friend. It was 3 days before I went looking for and when I did I found her dead. I have this fear that when I can't get a hold of people that something awful has happened. I know that he is okay now. but I always have that fear. Even at my own house. Thanks to those of you who are encouraging.

 

[Scottish Joy]

Whoa- yikes!!! That is so sad about your friend... Sorry.


About your boyfriend. I've learned from experience that my boyfriend and I have very different ways of handling problems. I love to just pour out my woes on somebody- makes me feel better! He, on the other hand, is a very big strong manly man, who likes to be there for me & take care of me. He does get discouraged sometimes, but he doesn't always want to talk about it. He told me once (I was feeling awful for him & trying to get him to talk about his problem) that the best thing I could do for him was to try & be happy. If he knows I'm happy, then he feels free to work thru & think thru his problem. He knows I'm taken care of.
Since then, we've become closer, and he will let me commiserate with him sometimes.. but I still find that it helps him more if I try & be cheerful & look on the bright side.

Hope this helps!
Joy

 

[bliz]

The possible loss of a job is HUGE and it is very, very stressful. Plus, he is sick. Most men do not do being sick very well at all. They either want constant attention and care, or they want to curl up and sleep under a pile of covers in the dark until they are well.

Just back off for awhile.

I can understand how your previous experience puts you on edge when you can't reach someone. My husband has a history of heart attacks and when he isn't home when expected and I have not heard from him, I imagine the very worse... he's had another and his car has gone off the road and no one saw it... he's in some hospital with no ID... he's dead and people are even now trying to decide who should tell me...
I can't compleatly turn that off... but I have learned not to share my anxiety with others or to make him feel guilty for being 20 minutes later than planned.

 

[~Nikki~]

I guess I should have given y'all some more background. Last summer I couldn't get a hold of my best friend. It was 3 days before I went looking for and when I did I found her dead. I have this fear that when I can't get a hold of people that something awful has happened. I know that he is okay now. but I always have that fear. Even at my own house. Thanks to those of you who are encouraging.

I'm so sorry you went through that! I can definitely see why you'd feel the need to check up on him and see he's ok...

 

[christianchoirgirl]

thank you everyone so much for all of your help! We are working through things. I really appriciate it, guys!

 

[SirKenin]

There are two possible scenarios.

The first is that being sick and possibly losing one's job creates a certain amount of stress. It is POSSIBLE that it is enough stress for him to want to distance himself from everyone. When someone is stressed and/or depressed, their automatic instinct is to withdraw into a shell.

However, I don't personally believe that to be the case in this scenario based upon what you are describing.

What it actually sounds like is that one of you outstayed your welcome. Perhaps you may have smothered him, although I can not safely deduce this from your post. Maybe he even saw something he didn't like. Perhaps you didn't give him what he wanted? Some men, when they don't get sex for example, will quickly move on to the next woman (I have an acquaintance like that). Maybe he felt things were moving too quickly?

Whatever the reason, I believe he is purposely distancing himself from you. I am getting the feeling that he can't come out and say it, so he is using an illness, whether genuine or perceived (there is no way for me to possibly tell for sure) to remove himself from you. I know you are concerned, but the more you are pushing, the more you are pushing him in the other direction.

In closing, and to be fair, as he doesn't know you well enough he might not desire to turn to you for support. He may be looking elsewhere. Regardless, if I was you I would stop pushing. You are only hurting yourself by doing so. I know you care, but in caring you should be putting him first. Pushing him away by being too "clingy" doesn't help him and is contrary to your objectives.

I hope that this didn't make things as clear as mud.