Scared. Harm OCD is back.

[sdd7747]

I haven't had harm OCD for 10 years and all of the sudden it was resurfaced. Well, I say "all of a sudden", but it was probably triggered by an event that happened to a student in my class. His dad did something horrifying that left him without both parents. And he saw it all. So I've been dealing with that for 2 weeks now.

One night, after arguing with my husband, I thought "What if I snap like _____'s dad did?" And I worried about that for days. Then I thought the only thing more horrifying to me is harming one of my kids. So now it has transformed to "What if I become convinced that my kids would be better off if I killed them so they'd die innocent and go to heaven?" Crazy, right?

I wish I could KNOW that I won't do these things.

I hate this disease.

 

[aangel]

You're not going to snap. The fact that you're afraid of losing control and harming someone attests to that. I know for me personally, a couple a months ago I had a random thought about hurting my family while I was half asleep taking a nap and I let it go because it was so beyond ridiculous. It was a stupid thought that has nothing to do with me or who I am.

And it's all about getting to that point where your feelings don't matter. I know for me I've been declaring out loud that I'm free from intrusive thoughts. I'm free from OCD. I'm free from irrational thinking because with God all things are possible. I'm free from all fear because God has not give me a spirit of fear but one of power and love and a sound mind. I say these things regardless of how I might feel and I tell myself that I'm not the intrusive thoughts I've had in the past nor will I ever be.

 

[Bananagator]

aangel put it perfectly. OCD is the disease of deception. It takes your worst fears and makes you worry that they'll come true. But the reality is... you would never, ever do these things. You just have to remember that

The downside is that you can't really not think about these things. If you try to suppress the thoughts, eventually the flood gate will open and you'll be back at square one. You have to accept that these thoughts are in your head, but you have to discredit them. Keep telling yourself that you know you'd never do something like that. It's just the OCD trying to mess with you again, it's not you.

 

[Dendy]

Bless your heart. One of the most difficult things about my OCD is worrying that I might have harmed someone even though, like you, I would never do anything like that. I'm about to post some things that I do that help me. You're in my thoughts.