scared and confused

[annrobert]

hugs to everyone

I am having more pain again and confusion,
one of my brothers who some months back came up and started an arguement with my daughter ,I tried to promote peace between them which helped for a bit but then turned bad again.He also tried to create problems with Bob and I .He left saying nasty things about us all.

Afterwards he tried phoning usually at very poor times.I did not have the emotional strength to listen to his running people down, trying to push his wierd interpretation of scripture which applies to all but himself,running me down.Telling me lies about people and my children.Running my son down who is about the most tenderhearted hearted child around and I could not have hand picked a better son if I tried.His not stop lectures and forcing you to give him hours upon hours of undivided attention to these lectures, negativity , threats etc.

Well he phoned up one time when we were gone and my poor son answered the phone, he is 17 ,he hates getting stuck on the phone with this uncle but is usually nice and polite anyway.Well this day he pushed my son to the limits.He was running all of us down.over and over and me too.He told him that I faked having a breakdown to get money.Huh what money?I lost my job and was too ill to even do the paper work that would have got me the disabilty insurance and everyone else refused to help me do it. So no money there.Furthermore anyone looking at me could see I was in horrible shape and weeping all the time.Also my physical health was bad too.
He apparently did not stop there but said more and more things about my character and all.My son tried to defend us all and tried.Finally my brother said some things and my son hung up.My brother did not phone back for awhile.

Then the other day he phoned , again on a bad day,my pain was worse , i was crying off and on in the day,also children had showed up to visit.It was not a good time to talk.I told him I cannot talk right now can you phone back.He tried and tried to force it.Then he said he wanted to take me out for supper ,just him and I.Well i felt scared as he knows I am timid(I have been called gutless and spineless and jellyfish) and he could really hurt me emotionally.I had to go to a womens shelter because of him before.Anyway I told him the truth about some things.

I cannot eat supper out, since I cannot swallow solids, my foods have to be thoroughly blended and juice or water added.Been coughing blood,have numerous diagnosed diseases, serious ones and the doctors think I may have cancer.I tire easily and am weak.I did say maybe a coffee soon.

I still greatly fear being alone with him. He knows how to hurt.Furthermore he was dads monitor to tell everything being said, when we were kids .I also had to obey him growing up even if it meant taking his shoes off.He almost 6 years older than me.He also sexually abused me growing up as well as my dad.

Well he phoned today and wanted to talk with me.Bob told him I just got out of the shower and was getting dressed.I would be a minute.He said I am tired of your guys excuses and hung up.

Now I do want to show love and forgiveness to him and try to be brave enough to have a coffee with him.However I scared this will lead to him being at our house steady once again and demanding undivided attention for hours upon hours daily while we , mostly me has to listen to his wierd ideas and how bad everyone is including christians and trying to pry into personal areas and hoping to discover something.He has such a strange mind.

I know his soul is important to God.I know he does not really have anyone.I know he needs love and healing.Still we have a life to live besides him.We have children and have relationships with them.Cooking to do,want time together,church,lakes,rivers,solitude.Some family members at times do not care.Do not care if Bob and I have time together or with the children ,my son still at home or the others.And how do they think meals and baking gets done,or the cleaning?We want to go out and enjoy nature,even though I am sick I still enjoy it ,need it,even if I go slow.I need time to read,pray,solitude, rest.
We cannot do this if someone is always taking all our time.Leaving does not help either as he is content to stay and wait til we get back,snooping through personal things,searching for who knows what.I can just see again, no boundaries or respect given , no free time.
My sister is needing help too ,this is good because things have improved much here.
Limits will be ignored until finally signs get put up.Or I have to say ,look I can only have you visit such and such a day for so long.This will lead to anger and threats etc.I hate it,I just hate it.
Anyways if we are so bad why do people continually want to come round.Why not stay away,would'nt it be easier and nicer.No the reason for coming around is to get to control and use.We are not the ones needing him.
Thankfully I taught my children limits with love even if I have such a hard time applying it.I hate the idea of being subjected to him again.I dread it.If he could only respect people and boundaries and not abuse and visit reasonably it would be different.He does all the using and abusing and then is always angry and accusing because somehow it is never enough.
Sorry about this.I feel weepy and scared.
Thanks for reading
annrobert

ps... I teased my sister and told her I would tell him where she is living now and how she missed him and had a cheap room to rent.She said she would personally come and sabotage our home if I did this.lol

 

[over the rainbow]

x

 

[Johnnz]

Some people just aren't needed in our lives. There are some we need to place strict limits on, so they don't corrode our lives unnecessarily.

John
NZ

 

[myanchor]

AnnRobert, don't go anywhere with this abusing piece of filth. His relationship with God and with other is his responsibility, it is not yours. Change your phone if you need to. If you have caller ID, don't pick up when he or your female sibling calls. Eventually they will stop calling. If they come over and break in have them arrested. If they make a scene have them arrested. Get shut of these users and abusers. They will soon enough self destruct and you don't want you or your children to be around when they do, otherwise you be damaged at the same time.

 

[annrobert]

That is my problem,I feel like if I disown them,I am not being loving and forgiving.They are quite mixed up and hurting .We grew up in such a chaotic and abusive way.I think I should be trying to view them in a merciful light.Some of them do have good points also and make effort at times.Others this one included always causes pain and heart ache every single time.I was only teasing my sister I would send him to her place.I have many siblings.Many have come to me for prayer and counselling and other help. Sometimes they can turn vicious and cruel or cold and harsh.Never know with them.I have asked Bob,in all the years we have been together have you ever seen me treat any one of them rude or cold.He said no.I said have they always had a place to sleep and meals cooked for them and children looked after etc, when they needed it.He said yes.Honestly I do not know what comes over them.Doesn't Jesus say to forgive over and over,to give to him that asks you.To reconcile.
I do think I should not go anywhere with my brother,things will turn out bad I know it.I am not strong enough right now.I am very fragile.I have one child at home right now a 17 year old son,who unfortunately answered the phone that day we were gone.Next time he phoned he did not answer it,good for him and good for him for hanging up when he did.
I have tried to teach my children to set boundaries .
I told them do not end up like me.
The other children who live nearby do visit lots though and one lives right next door.
I am just so very very confused.
Maybe my head is severely brainwashed from years of thinking wrong?

I don't think it is our purpose to "put up" with people. I think if we truly love them and the relationship is made with love and respect, then we will want to be together. If you spend your time dreading your time together with them, then maybe the relationship isn't meant to be

you are probably right, but what about loving and forgiving and reconciling.
I am very serious about this question,I am very confused.I do think maybe my way of thinking causes me to get no repsect,get used,but honestly what about the bible saying to reconcile and help?Honestly even though I do love and care I would have wrote some of them off, gave up on a relationship because it just causes to much pain and hurt.The love and concern is not returned.Instead cruelty is.

There are some we need to place strict limits on, so they don't corrode our lives unnecessarily

Strict limits, you mean like tell him he can only come over like once a month?
That would be a great idea except I am certain about the anger and abuse that would ensue after being told that.Then what do I do?

AnnRobert, don't go anywhere with this abusing piece of filth. His relationship with God and with other is his responsibility

I definately do not think I should go anywhere with him alone.And you are right,he knows about God and the bible ,he needs to get real.He also has his own children who live about 10 or 12 hours away I think.I wonder why he does not move close to them?

I know my family seems very chaotic and they are, I guess some families are.
I just really am feeling the need to talk about these things as it is hurting me and very much confusing me.I just need to talk about it.

thanks everyone
annrobert

 

[over the rainbow]

x

 

[myanchor]

There are two types of forgiveness.

The first is the one we obey God for. It is for our good in the main. It is the one where we no longer call that person to account for the wrongs done us before God and in our own mind. It frees us to love that person. It frees us from the corrosive aspects of unforgiveness. It is when we can actually pray for that person and not about them to God. Nowhere in what I have said does it mean we have a relationship with the person anymore.

The second type is more problematic. It has the first one, but it is also where the relationship is repaired because the other person is repentant and tries to restore the relationship. Restoral means make like new. If the person doesn't want a new relationship, but rather the same old abusive one, then it is time to shake the dust off your feet.

Re-read the passage where Peter is talking about how good he is because he is willing to forgive his brother who comes to him to repent. )Notice the brother came to him first, not Peter to the brother.) And Peter asks if seven times, which is more than the rabbis said you had to, is good enough. Jesus replied hey, no it's a lot more 70 times 7 ( a lot!) So the point is in this passage, Jesus was telling Peter if your brother comes to you for forgiveness then forgive. He didn't say anything about trust now did he? That is earned.

Later Jesus amplified things and told us to go to our brother (and also our sister) (really he meant everyone) and try to restore the relationship. If they are not willing to change (if they are the ones wronging you) the your responsibility ends.

Did you hear me young lady? Once you have forgiven and you have tried to repair the relationship, your responsibility ends. The responsibility is now theirs. The ball is in their court, not yours. You can't hit a tennis ball that is on the other side of the court can you?

 

[annrobert]

When I finally let go of the cycle of my family using me, I felt free. When I truly feel the need to be close, I can call them. I no longer dread them and get angry when they incessantly interrupt my life. They have all found friends or each other and use those friends and family. But I am no longer in the cycle and feel I can actually love them now. Now I have space to see why I love them.

I'm sorry if I sound preachy. I really don't want to be at all. I know it doesn't help. I just see the struggle and indecision in you that I see in my mother. I was there and it's not a good place.

I hope it gets resolved for you,

Hang in there,

Cindy

Thankyou Cindy,no you do not sound preachy at all and I am learning some things.
I appreciate your help and concern and examples.

Re-read the passage where Peter is talking about how good he is because he is willing to forgive his brother who comes to him to repent. )Notice the brother came to him first, not Peter to the brother.) And Peter asks if seven times, which is more than the rabbis said you had to, is good enough. Jesus replied hey, no it's a lot more 70 times 7 ( a lot!) So the point is in this passage, Jesus was telling Peter if your brother comes to you for forgiveness then forgive. He didn't say anything about trust now did he? That is earned.

Later Jesus amplified things and told us to go to our brother (and also our sister) (really he meant everyone) and try to restore the relationship. If they are not willing to change (if they are the ones wronging you) the your responsibility ends.

Did you hear me young lady? Once you have forgiven and you have tried to repair the relationship, your responsibility ends. The responsibility is now theirs. The ball is in their court, not yours. You can't hit a tennis ball that is on the other side of the court can you?
__________________

Thankyou so much myanchor,
This is so helpful and I will read over more times.It makes so much sense and is helping me have more peace about things.I am learning some things that I really need to learn and understand.You have been very caring and supportive.I appreciate it so much.

 

[ido]

I agree that loving and forgiving them does NOT have to equal continuing to allow their bad behavior.

for you.

 

[the.Sheepdog]

Ann Dear, I hope you know how I feel about you. You are the most loving and giving person I have seen in a long time. Whenever someone is hurting I almost always find you in their before me ministering to them.

Now do the same for yourself. I dont advocate violence but how does your man allow this without punching out a tooth or two? If I were your neighbor I might have to bite this guy. (I have had my shots so no worries)

This brother of yours is a wolf and wolves all act the same. They cannot help it and you have to forgive them because they are just obeying their nature. I do that a lot.

But, I dont allow them access to the flock either. I run em off and sink teeth if needed to impress the point. You can love him, forgive him, pray for him, and also keep him away from your home and family. Change your ph number to unlisted. Get a better door lock. If needed swear out a peace warrant on him to make him stay away from you or yours then enforce it.

He sounds like no Christian I ever heard of. If he is not about love then he is just a noisy gong and clashing cymbal and you dont need it in your life now.

You are charged to protect your family, even if from other family. Tell him you are calling the police and setting boundaries against him. If he keeps breaching those call me and I will fly up and may just bite him real good!

 

[Johnnz]

Sometimes we don't get the line in the right place between commitments and martyrdom. It is never right to feel responsible for anyone who ends up destroying part of us. Jesus told his disciples to just walk away if people would not welcome them. Paul warned about people who were all negative talk that got nowhere.

We need not have animosity towards such people. We can even forgive them. But that won't stop their destructive behaviours. You do need to set up some real limits for your own sake and your children's.

John
NZ

 

[myanchor]

Wow a pegasus doggie. That I'd like to see.

 

[visionary]

Have you got a "big mama" in your local congregation, one who understands that you do not want her jumping into your game, but would love for her to work on your brother's salvation. Then anytime your brother gets his wild hair, sick big mama on him. .. or a big papa...

True you will have to invite both for a dinner, so that they get an opportunity to meet. And that also means that you will have to put up with two very strong willed individuals going logger heads on your home front. But prayerfully, these strong approaching individuals will see each other as a challenge and will "click" so that they will approach each other when they are interested in "going at it".

 

[annrobert]

Have you got a "big mama" in your local congregation, one who understands that you do not want her jumping into your game, but would love for her to work on your brother's salvation. Then anytime your brother gets his wild hair, sick big mama on him. .. or a big papa...

True you will have to invite both for a dinner, so that they get an opportunity to meet. And that also means that you will have to put up with two very strong willed individuals going logger heads on your home front. But prayerfully, these strong approaching individuals will see each other as a challenge and will "click" so that they will approach each other when they are interested in "going at it".

Lol Visionary,
I laughed and laughed at that, thankyou so much.I needed that.
It is also a great idea.I need to attend this church more in order get to know a big mama.I am sure I will though.It is well worth inviting them to dinner together.lol I am still laughing.They can go at at it.And leave me out.Wonderful, after a few dinners together ,they can visit each other somewhere else.They can challenge each other and she can work on his salvation and he will have someone to go to when his wild hair need arises and she will be able to handle him.This a great idea.The whole thing.Thanks.

 

[R.A.IN]

Prayers for you.