and this proves it. i wrote heaps and heaps just then and it deleted it all. this always happens when im trying to help others or ask for some help myself. but ill start again,satans not getting to ME!!!
ive been a christian for about....say since about april...or so. that was when i really let god into my life. around than anyway. but....im different, i mean...when i say that i mean i havent journeyed slowly and slowly gotten into it. i have given up all and totally thrown myself into being a christian and all that. and just thinking about god, my heart would swell and i oculd almost cry cause i was just so passionate and loving of him. and it was awesome, cause i was SO on fire for god. willing and wanting to be able to give it all up for him.
but recently, thats all changed. im disspirited. and i know its satan. if it makes any sense at all, im still on fire for god in thoughts but not in heart....okay that sounds crazy...i mean im on fire for god in my head, not my heart. and thats not the way it used to be. i feel like im stuck. if i think about all gods done for me, i feel abit happier. thats it. i used to listen to christian songs like every night and just totally be into it all and now i go to put some on, but something stops me. i just get urges to put on metal, rock,punk...anything but christian music. and i know its satan, so i ignore it sometimes and put it on, and when i do the feeling goes away. but its just not the same anymore. i dont know why. but....i feel like me being on fire for god was a hot, massive burning signal fire. lots of smoke. easily seen. now i feel like...its dying. like someone is sprinkling sand or dirt, or water on it...and its dying down and needs to be re-fueled. thats the best way to put it, for me anyway. and i get so annoyed cause i dont want it to die down. so i pray. and pray for god to just re-fuel my fire and get it fully burning again, and every week, for about 3-4 weeks now, HE HAS. and its so great i pray and i can tell hes giving me all these chances again and again, and for the time im at youth, after worship, im great. almost....ALMOST but not quite like i used to be. then i leave and its like the same as it always is. like its nothing important....BUT IT IS!! and i want it to be. eg: last week at youth, especially was so powerful. i was praying for my best friend so come to god that night....so, SO hard.!! i mean it...more than anything in my life. i wanted this more than anything in my life. ever. no joke. and i wanted it even more because god had given it to me, and not her. and i just really felt gods presence with me then. i like fell to my knees during prayer just totallybawling. i dont mean just tears going down my face i mean like sobbing. i was on the floor tears pouring down my face for over 1/2 an hour. and i couldnt stop it. then i just had some amazing friends around me just come and hug me, pray for me, and theyve no idea how much it meant. they even got me tissues
theyre beautiful people. but then i went outside and prayed, and like during the whole time i just felt like god was beside me, and i just let it all out. i couldnt control myself, and just gave up after a while. and at youth afterwardss it wasnt the best, but at least i was with god, i totally felt it then. more than ever before.
my weekend was awesom! but not. like it was totally god-filled. my prayers were being answered, nothing bad happened, i read heaps of my bible....it was great. but its the same as at youth. i look back and go yeah okay it wasnt that good....it was bad. and IT WASNT!! and i dont understand. i stop myself cause im thinkin: no it wasnt bad, it was totally filled with god it was awesome!! well...it should be anyway" and i get cut at myself cause god keeps helping me and i just cant grab hold of the ropes hes sent down. i grab it, then slip. and i know its satan trying to entice me away. but hes not using stuff like discouragment and all those things....hes just point blank stopping me. directly. and i just want it to end!! i want to be like it used to be, where i thought of youth and went crazy at the prospect. help someone please!!
steph
ive been a christian for about....say since about april...or so. that was when i really let god into my life. around than anyway. but....im different, i mean...when i say that i mean i havent journeyed slowly and slowly gotten into it. i have given up all and totally thrown myself into being a christian and all that. and just thinking about god, my heart would swell and i oculd almost cry cause i was just so passionate and loving of him. and it was awesome, cause i was SO on fire for god. willing and wanting to be able to give it all up for him.
but recently, thats all changed. im disspirited. and i know its satan. if it makes any sense at all, im still on fire for god in thoughts but not in heart....okay that sounds crazy...i mean im on fire for god in my head, not my heart. and thats not the way it used to be. i feel like im stuck. if i think about all gods done for me, i feel abit happier. thats it. i used to listen to christian songs like every night and just totally be into it all and now i go to put some on, but something stops me. i just get urges to put on metal, rock,punk...anything but christian music. and i know its satan, so i ignore it sometimes and put it on, and when i do the feeling goes away. but its just not the same anymore. i dont know why. but....i feel like me being on fire for god was a hot, massive burning signal fire. lots of smoke. easily seen. now i feel like...its dying. like someone is sprinkling sand or dirt, or water on it...and its dying down and needs to be re-fueled. thats the best way to put it, for me anyway. and i get so annoyed cause i dont want it to die down. so i pray. and pray for god to just re-fuel my fire and get it fully burning again, and every week, for about 3-4 weeks now, HE HAS. and its so great i pray and i can tell hes giving me all these chances again and again, and for the time im at youth, after worship, im great. almost....ALMOST but not quite like i used to be. then i leave and its like the same as it always is. like its nothing important....BUT IT IS!! and i want it to be. eg: last week at youth, especially was so powerful. i was praying for my best friend so come to god that night....so, SO hard.!! i mean it...more than anything in my life. i wanted this more than anything in my life. ever. no joke. and i wanted it even more because god had given it to me, and not her. and i just really felt gods presence with me then. i like fell to my knees during prayer just totallybawling. i dont mean just tears going down my face i mean like sobbing. i was on the floor tears pouring down my face for over 1/2 an hour. and i couldnt stop it. then i just had some amazing friends around me just come and hug me, pray for me, and theyve no idea how much it meant. they even got me tissues
theyre beautiful people. but then i went outside and prayed, and like during the whole time i just felt like god was beside me, and i just let it all out. i couldnt control myself, and just gave up after a while. and at youth afterwardss it wasnt the best, but at least i was with god, i totally felt it then. more than ever before.my weekend was awesom! but not. like it was totally god-filled. my prayers were being answered, nothing bad happened, i read heaps of my bible....it was great. but its the same as at youth. i look back and go yeah okay it wasnt that good....it was bad. and IT WASNT!! and i dont understand. i stop myself cause im thinkin: no it wasnt bad, it was totally filled with god it was awesome!! well...it should be anyway" and i get cut at myself cause god keeps helping me and i just cant grab hold of the ropes hes sent down. i grab it, then slip. and i know its satan trying to entice me away. but hes not using stuff like discouragment and all those things....hes just point blank stopping me. directly. and i just want it to end!! i want to be like it used to be, where i thought of youth and went crazy at the prospect. help someone please!!
steph
