Running out of Churches.

[RenJac]

I am there, My Husband keeps changing churches, once son,and I get use to one, he finds some reason NOT to like the church any more, Here we are again, we started anew church,son,and I LOVE it so much we started going to Sunday school (Im 45 and never been until now,and son joined Choir ,and I got into women's bible study, then all of a sudden here we go again, DH does not like it Today we went to another church, I am so sad, I feel resentment for dh,and so does son. I am all in tears about it because I loved the other church. Son,and i feel once we get use to this one that it will happen again All i want to do is cry.

 

[1watchman]

I much appreciate what you shared, for I hear something like that when people say they are looking for a church that "fits them" or something "I can accept". It is conformity to God and His Word that is needed. One should search this out, and I recommend a visit to www.biblecounsel.net to see something of what God intended for His testimony.

Let me also suggest that you might put much of the thoughts you expressed herein in a little note to your husband. He might be touched to see your heartfelt concerns and desire for family unity in the Faith. It may be he is actually finding excuses to not bow to God, but is not saying that. If he cares about you and your son he may meditate on what you said for his good. Look up always and pray for God's wisdom and leading.

 

[RenJac]

Thank you. I tried talking to him about this, and all he says is he does not feel comfortable about the church. He says that about all of the Churches we have tried.
My son,and I are at wits end because we feel once we get use to this one he will do the same thing.When I try to talk to him about it he gets aggravated ,with me, and blames me saying I am the one that does not like any of the churches.
That is simply not true. Even me trying to talk to him tonight about it and crying he simply did not say a word, just looked at me and walked away. I do not know how much more son, and I can take with him doing this, It is at the point that we just do not want to even go to church with him, but go by our selves, and I hate that feeling because I want so much for us to go as a family.

 

[shawnavery]

Thank you. I tried talking to him about this, and all he says is he does not feel comfortable about the church. He says that about all of the Churches we have tried.
My son,and I are at wits end because we feel once we get use to this one he will do the same thing.When I try to talk to him about it he gets aggravated ,with me, and blames me saying I am the one that does not like any of the churches.
That is simply not true. Even me trying to talk to him tonight about it and crying he simply did not say a word, just looked at me and walked away. I do not know how much more son, and I can take with him doing this, It is at the point that we just do not want to even go to church with him, but go by our selves, and I hate that feeling because I want so much for us to go as a family.

I feel for you and pray..seems there must be reason. Is there a common theme? Time frame..a particular person..etc?

John 3:16

 

[RenJac]

He simply says he does not feel comfortable .Then the one DS and I Love he says it is the Preacher.,then changes it to he feels un comfortable,then another excuse about this one, No one will talk to him. Well when he stands in hall way during one service how can he expect others to talk, go after him? He is a grown man. I just do not know what to say because he throws several excuses out there. Now when i asked what if he does not like this Church, his comment is he wont go,he is already talking about trying yet ANOTHER ONE!Being his helpmeet, I just do not know where to draw the line at

 

[shawnavery]

He simply says he does not feel comfortable .Then the one DS and I Love he says it is the Preacher.,then changes it to he feels un comfortable,then another excuse about this one, No one will talk to him. Well when he stands in hall way during one service how can he expect others to talk, go after him? He is a grown man. I just do not know what to say because he throws several excuses out there. Now when i asked what if he does not like this Church, his comment is he wont go,he is already talking about trying yet ANOTHER ONE!Being his helpmeet, I just do not know where to draw the line at

If you haven't already maybe seek counsel from the pastor of the church. From what you describe of his behavior I must confess I'm confused.

John 3:16

 

[RenJac]

The Preacher offered to talk to my DH, but my DH refuses to even meet with him to talk.

 

[StormHawk]

DH is hiding something, perhaps some sin he doesn't want to let go of.
I hope he appreciates having a good wife & child.

God's general counsel is that people should receive His Spirit, as the disciples did (Acts 2), this brings His Life and transforms people. (Most churches get this wrong, they substitute "praying the sinners prayer" or some similar words-only "gospel").
Then learn to live that life.

 

[shawnavery]

It may be also that he might be searching for a pastor that he agrees with 100 percent. He will not likely find it. I made that mistake in thinking years ago. Until I realized its OK to have a difference in opinion in some matters. I now even sit and discuss things with the pastor and look through scripture and sometimes find he was right or agree to disagree. Just a thought.

John 3:16

 

[graceandpeace]

I am there, My Husband keeps changing churches, once son,and I get use to one, he finds some reason NOT to like the church any more, Here we are again, we started anew church,son,and I LOVE it so much we started going to Sunday school (Im 45 and never been until now,and son joined Choir ,and I got into women's bible study, then all of a sudden here we go again, DH does not like it Today we went to another church, I am so sad, I feel resentment for dh,and so does son. I am all in tears about it because I loved the other church. Son,and i feel once we get use to this one that it will happen again All i want to do is cry.

Hi there.

First, is your husband a Christian, or is he attending church to appease you?

Second, what denomination was the church you loved? Have you been only visiting churches within a particular denomination?

Assuming your husband is a Christian, I can only make guesses as to why he is finding reasons not to like the churches you have been attending:

1) He does not like the denomination you have been visiting, assuming you have been visiting the same one. It could be he disagrees with its beliefs or practices, but perhaps doesn't know how to tell you or explain a specific example.

2) He does not know exactly what he believes or is looking for in a church, so he is seeking & not committing to any church until he can figure that out - but going back to point 1) he may not know how to be more specific.

3) He has a genuine irritation with each church you have been to - something about the minister, the music, etc that may not be related to disagreeing with doctrine.

4) He is making excuses for a reason not faith-related.

Or who knows? If he won't tell you anything specific, that does make things difficult. Try not to pressure him, be patient & maybe gently approach the subject again one day soon? Good luck.

 

[Albion]

Hi, RenJac.

At first, I tended to sympathize somewhat with your husband because many people have searched and searched for the right church only to be disappointed. Churches are not like service stations or bakeries in that we expect perfection out of churches because, after all, perfection/truth/idealism is what we want out of religion.

BUT his unwillingness to meet the congregants of the church you and son like...and his unwillingness to talk frankly with you about his dissatisfaction...is something else. And it doesn't seem to be primarily theological.

I don't know how that issue can be remedied unless you all decide to attend whichever church you personally prefer. While this isn't the solution you'd want, it might be the only one you can achieve that doesn't force one party or another to bend to another's decision. This does work for many couples who come from different and irreconcilable religious backgrounds.

And if he goes on experimenting (without success, of course), who knows but that this might cause him to reconsider after awhile.

 

[RenJac]

First, is your husband a Christian, or is he attending church to appease you?He says he is, I wonder..

Second, what denomination was the church you loved? Have you been only visiting churches within a particular denomination?Baptist Church
He we have been going to Church 17 years, when we first started going he says he was raised Baptist,and that is the only Church he will attend.

I am wondering about his faith.

He will not tell me specific. only that this time it is the Preacher.

 

[RenJac]

We attend all these different churches together,as a family, and once son,and I like one, he then finds something wrong with it,and wants to try a different one. Son,and I are getting discouraged, in 3 years we have tried 7 Churches, this is Church # 8

 

[Albion]

What about the idea of letting him continue to look while you and son attend the church you like best?

 

[RenJac]

See Son,and I was but I felt horrible.I want to worship as a family,and while son,and I was going with out him, he totally stopped going all together for like 3-4 months

 

[graceandpeace]

First, is your husband a Christian, or is he attending church to appease you?He says he is, I wonder..

Second, what denomination was the church you loved? Have you been only visiting churches within a particular denomination?Baptist Church
He we have been going to Church 17 years, when we first started going he says he was raised Baptist,and that is the only Church he will attend.

I am wondering about his faith.

He will not tell me specific. only that this time it is the Preacher.

Okay.

Perhaps he is finding himself in disagreement with Baptist doctrine or practice, but has been unable to articulate that to you? It's hard to say since he keeps wanting to change churches - I mean, if you both have exhausted Baptist options in your area, then it seems like the problem lies with the denomination or his personal faith somehow.

I think the only thing you can do is to ask him to be honest about his feelings with his faith & with church. If he has decided against Baptist churches, then you both can figure out where to go from there. If he still won't talk or refuses to budge in any way, then I would say go to the church you want to while he figures out what he wants. I know that is not ideal, but it may be your only option at the moment.

 

[jsimms615]

I am there, My Husband keeps changing churches, once son,and I get use to one, he finds some reason NOT to like the church any more, Here we are again, we started anew church,son,and I LOVE it so much we started going to Sunday school (Im 45 and never been until now,and son joined Choir ,and I got into women's bible study, then all of a sudden here we go again, DH does not like it Today we went to another church, I am so sad, I feel resentment for dh,and so does son. I am all in tears about it because I loved the other church. Son,and i feel once we get use to this one that it will happen again All i want to do is cry.

Can you tell when all of this started happening or if there was an event at church that disappointed him? I can't judge him since we have been church hopping for years ourselves.

 

[RenJac]

Can you tell when all of this started happening or if there was an event at church that disappointed him? I can't judge him since we have been church hopping for years ourselves.

last 3 years this has been going on..

 

[parsley]

It is clear that church commitment is about him, and not you.

But you have been married long enough that you can feel free to go to separate churches. There is no scriptural mandate that the whole family needs to find spiritual support in the same place. It is a cultural expectation, and nothing more.

Fight for the spiritual growth of your son. Stand up for your right to have a life of your own, doing things that you value. Otherwise your entire life will turn into whatever he dictates. I am not suggesting you oppose him, but just assert that you are a whole person with interests and goals.

There are many potential reasons that come to mind, some of which people have listed. You can work with him on this in a subtle way, not accusing but making recommendations. For instance, remind him that he tends to panic every half year (or whatever increment) ... so he could plan for that to happen. In his mind he might see it as viable reasons the church was at fault, but you can say, "If you know you're going to be dissatisfied every [half year], then just tell yourself you will be at that church for only half a year, and then leave."

People who get angry or fearful will often disrupt things for others, trying to draw them into conversations on blame. That can be useful if there are real problems, but not if this is a chronic internal dissatisfaction.

Possible reasons:

1. Being an analytical person who observes what goes on, and finds details to fix but has not authority to fix them.

2. Noticing like peers have different occupations and interests, not relevant to his life.

3. Fear of not being able to compete on that playing field-- a lot of people throwing around scriptures or looking super-spiritual.

4. Past memories of feeling disempowered in a church -- maybe even just flashbacks of parents fussing over clothes, teachers making them feel outcast, kids in cliques. If those memories are triggered, he might assume this church will offer the same discomforts.

5. As you say, standing by himself, expecting others to approach him. Everyone has to work at making friends, or it will never happen.

6. Seeing you having fun in groups and making friends, maybe being happier there than you are with him. Jealousy of the church being better at meeting your emotional needs. (In your mind there is probably no comparison.)

7. Seeing you as a different person than he expected, than he wanted you to be. When you are together at home, you are the person who knows where the socks are... when out in public, you might shine and show up a lot of expertise that makes him feel like, "Who is this woman?"

8. Feeling of being trapped, locked in to a commitment, obligated to a group of people.

 

[parsley]

Another thing to consider, is the supernatural dynamics going on. We aren't free to say too much on the forum, but it's important to remember that we wrestle not against flesh and blood.

Keep the focus on overcoming any harm done, and off blame of one human or another.

Where fault might lie in this sort of situation -- you are diligent about obedience to God and keeping out evil, where others might be more lax. And anger, fear, spite from bad experiences can be welcomed or drawn in -- which is like inviting trouble. It is not that an irate person is evil, but that they have let down their guard, and invited in trouble for a bbq.

That might be something you could work with him on: seeing how the negativity becomes a form and force.

--
Adding to my earlier post, I wanted to write out more about being analytical. Many people who attend church have jobs where they watch incredible organization and accountability in finances, facilities, leadership. It can grate against them to watch a nonprofit run more loosely, or with unusual premises.

Churches have increased in business savvy in the last two decades, for better or worse, but there are still decision processes that don't make sense. When these things don't sit right, a congregant's discernment meter may send the needle way into overload range. When they try to voice that concern, they are usually told "how it's done here," with no bending. And little respect shown.

(In some churches, a person is called a Jezebel if they say things that conflict with how things are done.)

This can make the church seem totally unreasonable and irrational. Not worth sinking feet into.

A person who sits on the sidelines of a public setting, is sometimes a surveyor. They read people, watch dynamics, assess the situation. They might not necessarily be looking for friends, but they have done enough thinking and observing to earn a voice. But the social people might see them as intentionally separating themselves from the group, and not worth hearing out.