one of my best friends, a woman who I thought I was in love with, no longer wants me in her life....
she said I am too negative, unwilling to help myself
our friendship has been strained for a while now...
without her I have lost the little motivation I had, everything just feels so empty and worthless, I worry that it is only a matter of time before I open a vein
Most people without clinical depression do not understand it. There is a medical reason why (if you have been clinically diagnosed) and it has to do with endorphins that are not released into our bodies that other people have in their bodies. That is why many times people are able to find some relief in medication (not that I do or do not recommend it) because it replaces those lost endorphins. Not all of them, but some. My doctor used to call them happy endorphins which is kind of on a basic level what they are.
Back to the fact that people who do not have a diagnosed mental illness do not understand. I have experienced this my entire life. The most understanding people that I have had in my life, still don't understand what it is like to struggle with something daily. Almost every single day of your life.
I have a good relationship with the Lord, I think and I have been praying about this same issue. Loss of friends and loved ones as a result of us being who we are. I hope that you get something out of what the Lord has been teaching me.
All people being imperfect (I know you know this but I am just including it) really have a hard time truly understanding anything they have not experienced. That's just the way we are. We as humans look for love and acceptance, desire it so much and we have a hard road and path to walk in this respect.
The Lord, He knows our hearts, our hurts and our needs. We first need to realize what we can expect from others and then realize that He is our best friend, He will never leave us or forsake us and we know every time we pray, cry and hurt, He is there. I have found that I need to go the extra mile and understand who He is and who I am in Him. He comforts me. I can rest in Him. Give Him your hurt and your pain. Let it go! You don't have to keep it. It tells us in the Word to cast our cares upon Him, our burden is heavy, but His yoke is light.
I looked up what 'yoke' means. One definition is that of two oxen pulling farm equipment. Two oxen have that main bar between them, so the load or weight does not fall overly onto one or the other oxen. The load is balanced between them so it doesn't overwhelm either animal.
This may sound a little crazy, but talk to the Lord continuously throughout the day in your mind and with your heart. The Word also tells us that He wants a personal relationship with us. Our smallest concern is His concern. Each hair on our heads is numbered. He knows more about us than we know about us. That's how much He loves and cares for us each individually.
When you give Him your cares, really give them to Him. Do not worry about it anymore. Deal with the pain, but let it go. You can pray for a reconciliation in the friendship, but let the idea that your friend is gone, put that on His shoulders. The devil is going to mess with you. Keep bringing it back up and into your mind, but you say to yourself 'No, I've given this to God and I am not going to keep dealing with this'. It's very hard at first, but after I while you catch yourself right away and it get's easier.
I have lived a while as an adult and am coming to terms with exactly what you are going through. Please learn from my earlier mistakes and take this advice.
I'll be praying for you.
