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NoraLeigh

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Has anyone recently encountered rude, hurtful statements for being quiverfull?

Often people seem to speak before they think. Two times this week people have openly made assumptions about me. Just tonight at church there was a visiting family. They were probably in their late 30s and they had two kids. Evie was in my arms and Ida was holding my hand when I went up to introduce myself. The lady asked, "Hon, how old are you?" When I told her that I'm 20, she looked at the girls for a long time, and then said, "Well I'm proud of you for deciding to get married and make a family after a mistake."

Excuse me? I was married at 18 and had Ida TEN months later. I was not pregnant (nor was I sexually active) before I married Zeke. Granted, I am young to have two kids... but I'm just so shocked that someone would make such an assumption- as if it was her business anyway.

On Monday we were at a homeowner's meeting. We live in an "upscale" type neighborhood (only by God's grace and the great generosity of others). Our neighbors have never been overly fond of us. The youngest couple besides us are in their late 50s and "can hear the babies crying across the street all the time" (guess what? babies cry.) Anyway, when asked when we would finish up our landscaping, my husband answered, "I'll get to it as fast as I can. Hopefully have it all finished by the end of the month." One of the other men chimed in, somewhat jokingly, "Why doesn't your wife do it? She's home all day." I am, in fact, a stay at home mom to a 2 year old and a new born. And I've also been doing some straightening of the yard in my spare time. So I answered, "Yes I'm home. But the girls keep me pretty busy." Our lovely neighbor from across the street (the same ones who hear babies crying...) said, "I don't have any pity. Ever heard of birth control?"

I just sat there. It disgusted me. They would rather me have prevented my beautiful little girls from being born than to be bothered with crying, and that our yard is taking a while to landscape? It was so hurtful. But I do know their opinion doesn't matter.

Sorry for the rant. These things have been on my mind lately.
 
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I also find that being young with kids puts a target on your head somewhat, like we obviously need to be told... I haven't had too many comments like that - and what shocking neighbors!! - but a lot if patronising, I do know how to take care of my children, eg. no they're not too cold - do you think i'm an idiot? do you think i want my baby to freeze?? sorry, it presses my buttons when people don't think before they open their mouth!
 
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IamProLife

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I remember what people use to say to me when I was younger and had my first child. It's even worse now since I have more children.
 
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Leanna

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I would think a discriminating comment such as "ever heard of birth control" would be protected against, otherwise people could also make racial comments at homeowner's meetings. Do you know if there is anything like that protecting you?

People always think I am a teenage mom..... ugh.
 
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BananaCake

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WOW. I'm quite positive I've never heard anything that rude in my whole life.
 
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NoraLeigh

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I don't know... most of our neighborhood (there are only about 12 families) are not too friendly toward us. It's an older neighborhood, and our kids have never been well accepted. We've only been here a few months. But still, I was shocked by that statement. I'm not sure that we're protected against it, so I'll have to find out.
 
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NoraLeigh

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I'm so sorry that happened to you. I have had people ask me if all the children with me are mine, and after I answer yes, they respond with "don't you know what causes that?" I simply can't believe the nerve of some people.
I know! It's sickening... I believe very strongly in NOT using birth control. But I would never tell someone that they need to stop using it... It's just not my business. So why they think they can tell me I NEED to use it... I have no idea.
 
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Leanna

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Why are they like that? Do they know you are quiverfull? You only have two children so why would they make a comment like that, I mean, I have two, and no one has ever said that to me....
 
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Thankful4HIM

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In my family (adopted), there's 10 of us, and there's usually 1-3 private placements.. so usually 13 kids..
Lots of people give dirty looks, lots of people have rude remarks..
my mom just says "If I wanted your opinion/comments, I'd ask for em"... and goes on... I had a kid at 14, lots of comments there... I still get comments because apparently I look like I'm 14... So, you just have to shrug it off... people are so rude now a days... otherwise, Just say what my mom says and walk off... =)
 
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NoraLeigh

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Why are they like that? Do they know you are quiverfull? You only have two children so why would they make a comment like that, I mean, I have two, and no one has ever said that to me....
It's a strange situation. Like I said earlier, we're in an upscale type neighborhood. We've been quite blessed. The house we live in, I used to clean for the man that owned it. I did this for many years. His kids aren't interested in the house, so he's given us a great deal on it. And he lives in the downstairs apartment now.

But anyway, the neighbors like their "peaceful gated community" and I can't say that we make it too much unpeaceful... Occasionally they can probably hear the babies. But I wouldn't think it would be too bad, because the houses are far apart. Our yard is a little more unkempt lately (because he used to hire somone to care for it). I think they just don't like kids in general. Luckily, I don't have to see them too often.
 
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NoraLeigh

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^ Yes, and it's definately their problem and not mine... I don't really know why I got so upset. Except that it leaves me not knowing what to say. I'm not good at confrontation...at all. lol. I usually just stand there and look dumb. I did say to the lady that commented on making a family out of a mistake, "Well thanks. But neither of my girls were mistakes..." And then I felt like that was rude. But I talked with my husband afterward and he said I answered her rude comment, and I didn't need to feel bad about it. So hopefully he's right.
 
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Mickeyk72

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I agree with your husband - no need to feel bad. She was out of line to assume that you "made a mistake". Your response was appropriate and not rude toward her -just a statement of the truth.

As for the neighbors..... I had some problems with my neighbor "Junior", when we first moved in - not in relation to my son (he wasn't born yet) but with another neighbor's dog- Socks. "Junior" (a "good-ole farmer" in his late 60's) was standing in my yard talking with me, my husband, and my parents (with their dog too) and the neighbor's dog - Socks. Socks was just sniffing everyone, not doing anything wrong, when Junior just kicked her. My parents and I about fell over. I was so offended that he just kicked her for being friendly... she didn't do anything toward him. After a lot of thought and tears for this innocent dog, my husband and I took a picture of the dog and wrote a message on it to him from the dog - saying something like... "I was really hurt when you kicked me, I just want to be your friend. Please don't kick me again." Then we slipped it in with his Sunday newspaper. His wife told us later that when he found it he felt really bad and took a box of dog treats over to the owners and apologized to them. He never said anything to us...

I realize that this doesn't really help with your neighbors but maybe you could send something at Christmas to all the neighbors about your family- with a cute picture of your daughters... let them get to know you from a distance. Maybe they'll see that you are a nice family and won't be so rude next time. You could always come back at them with a comment like - "Oh we're just getting our family started - we plan to have many, many more babies before we're done. That's why we started so young." Bet that would make the jaws drop.
 
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NoraLeigh

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Ha, thank you so much for the positive outlook. I think I will do that actually.
 
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