Roommate Update

[Living4Him03]

Well, if you read an earlier post about my roommate, you'll know we were having some problems. I had a few bad weeks last semester where I was really down and upset and did not want to talk to anyone. I came back to the room upset and she thought I was purposefully doing things to upset because she thought I was mad at her or didn't like her. I explained this wasn't the case and we eventually worked things out.

Then, it started up again when we got back from Christmas break. Apparently she still thought I was mad/did not like her and that I was doing things on purpose. An example is that I brought my TV from home back to the dorm, even though she already has one here. She misunderstood my intention there and got upset. So, she decided to get me back for it by treating me the way she felt I was treating her. She took it to extremes by slamming doors, turning on the tv while I was studying, turning on her tv loud while I was watching mine, etc. But, I recognized what she was doing (getting me back) so I just let her because I knew she'd eventually get mad that I wasn't confronting her and ask me about it.

This morning she asked me if I was okay and I told her Yes and asked her if SHE is okay because she has seemed very upset lately and I wondered if she was upset with me or what. She said she was upset about her job and didn't want to put stuff on people ...whatever that meant.

This afternoon she confronted me again and said that she still feels upset about the situation. She said that she feels I"m not respecting her and that I still seem upset with her. She is mad because I don't speak to her hardly at all. Also, she feels that she has to do whatever it is that will make me happy. She said that I type too loud on the keyboard and turn on the TV when she is trying to study, which I honestly wasn't aware of, but she didnt' believe me because of the way I acted when I was upset before (which didnt have to do with her). I explained to her that you can't live your life like that and that you have to be your own person. I also told her that the way to get what you want is not to treat someone the way they are treating you. I told her that we really need to start communicating from now on and telling one another when something is bothering us. Well, she agreed and said she was glad she got that off her chest.

Now, tonight she still seems a bit upset. I dont know if she is in the habit of slamming doors or what, but anyway I was wondering if anyone could tell me if I need to say anything else to her? How can I show her that I won't stoop to her level and show her that Christ is in me? I am a fairly introverted person and I need my space and privacy, thus the reason I don't talk all that much to her. I also feel like she does not want to really get to know me only on a superficial "fake" level. What would you guys do in this situation? Any input would really help! I am sorry this is so long but I needed someone to talk to, I didn't get the chance to call and talk to my family about it like she did (she was in the room).

 

[vibrant]

perhaps she just likes the drama?

 

[Living4Him03]

Hehe...yah I dunnow. Maybe she does. I don't need drama!! That's why having a roommate is so frustrating...it's so different living with someone they just randomly place you with than a friend or for married people the person you love. I have always had a feeling that she is upset she didn't get a black roommate (I am white) but I am not sure if that's just in my head or not. At least the communication is open now! I just hate it when people try to use manipulation to get what they want. I don't like people to try and walk all over me and I feel like that's what she is trying to do. It seems like she wants to make me feel guilty (ie. make me think i'm rude) so that she can get what she wants---the room to herself and being able to bring her man friends up to the room whenever she wants. Which she really already does. She doens't ask if I am ok with it, she TELLS me she is going to have someone over and then says they are going to "study" which rarely ever happens. Anyway, I think that's something I need to talk with her about. thanks for reading my thread!

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Go out for ice cream. This'll get you two out of the room together and maybe it'll help.

A lot of behaviors are learned from home. I'm willing to bet her parents act like this.
That doesn't mean she's bad or anything. It's really hard to find a roommate that you automatically click with. There's even a saying that the quickest way to lose your best friend is to become roommates.

Keep the communication lines open. Humans are odd creatures.

 

[Katty]

Wow... sorry that you're still having roomie issues. When I transferred here from Colorado, they didn't place me with a roomie (Thank God ) but I seriously still do feel your pain. Sometimes, theres only so much that you can do... the other stuff falls on your roomie. A relationship of any sort is a two way street and theres no way around that fact. A lot of people tell me that with girls, they hardly still talk to their freshmen year roommate. Its an awkard stage, the freshmen year, methinks. *sigh* drama, drama, drama. I've learned that no matter what, drama follows closely behind us females If you can, just get a room change if things don't start to look up. You shouldn't have to deal with immaturity on her part if you're putting your best out to deal with issues on an "adult" level. Best wishes. for all the drama there at your dorm.

~Katty~

 

[Living4Him03]

Thanks Katty! Thanks Mr. Cheese! It would be so awkward to go to get ice cream with her...she is so fake around me! She just has this attitude like she does not like me at all and wants to make it seem like I'm this big bully, when in reality I am probably one of the best roommates she will ever have...she won't find that out though until she has a few more and realizes that some people are just awful. For now I am leaving it up to her to be an adult...I've said what I needed to say and I am working on making sure I dont do things that make her think I'm mad. I am also trying to communicate with her more. I am planning to get an apt. in the summer, so only a few more months! Thanks for the support, I'll keep ya'll posted!

 

[Jack_Racz]

Man, I'm sorry to hear it that your having roommate issues.

I count my blessings that I've only had good ones so far.

 

[Periann]

One thing is for sure, you certainly have a lot more patience than I would if I were placed in a situation like that. I think the problem lies in how she is acting and not you, since you are doing the best you can to ease up things and explain your past behavior. What I am saying is that to just continue to act the same way toward her, and make sure that you never let your guard down and slip into rudeness or whatever. Just continue to act pleasant, try and respect her wishes as much as possible and see if that has any affect on her. If at one time you feel that it cant go on the same way make sure you sit down with her and talk about what is bothering both of you. If that still doesnt work out, then request a roommate switch. Perhaps you could invite her out somewhere with you and some of your other friends, if it wouldnt be too weird for you. I hope it works out!

What made you decide to go potluck for a roommate anyway?

 

[Jack_Racz]

I went potluck my first semester. Now we are best friends, he's basically another brother to me. But maybe I got lucky...

 

[Living4Him03]

It WAS NOT by choice...lol. I was supposed to stay in this other dorm and be roommates with the girl I was roommates with all summer, she was really cool and we got along soooooo well, we were such good friends. Well, I didn't get to stay in that dorm because they didnt have room for fall and they said i didnt get my request in soon enough. Bleh. I honestly think part of the problem is cultural differences...although two of my best friends in the world are black (one African the other born in America), I feel as though somehow we are not relating. If I did ask her to go do something with my friends, wouldn't that be fake? I mean, I am not a mean person, but I would rather not become her best friend. Also, I don't know what it's like other places, but here in Texas in this part of Texas, esp. in this dorm, it is HIGHLY segregated...whites hang with whites, black with black. I don't know that my roommate has really been around many white people in her life (she grew up in an area that is predominantly black) and I also don't know that she has any close friends who are white. So, I can understand her uncomfortableness with getting to know me on more than the fake level. I think to some extent she feels like since I'm white I have to get my way, I feel like she has taken stereotypes of the college age white female to extreme. Maybe those are just in my head, but they seem to fit with the way she has been acting. You definitely got lucky.

 

[RadG]

Hello I know that I haven't been around for a couple of months, sory to hear about your roommate issues, but as the pastor at the Church I am now going to has said "You are right where God wants you to be." This means that there is a reason that your original roommate plans fell through and you got placed with this other person. Maybe she just needs to be shown a Christlike love and told about the love that God has for all of us. But this is just an assumption since I do not know your roommate or even know whether or not she is a Christian.

RadG

 

[Periann]

Well it seems to me that you are in an ideal place to tear down her misconceptions or whatever segregation that is going on. If you keep on saying that it is fake than it never will be anything more than an artificial relationship. Maybe if asking her to do something with you and her friends would be too much, maybe just do something one on one. At least she would know that you care enough to ask, even if she doesnt respond.

 

[Living4Him03]

She is a Christian! Her Dad is also a pastor at the church she attends...that is why I am wondering why she acted the way she did in trying to get revenge...it was so immature! Anyway, things are better so far and she is talking to me and not slamming the door or acting like she hates me anymore! that's at least good!

 

[Katty]

teehee, I just HAD to add this... your family status (Pastor's daughter) has NOTHING to do with who you are as an individual... I'm a Pastor's daughter... lol.

~Katty~

 

[Living4Him03]

Oh I know it doesn't I was just pointing out that she was raised in a Christian environment. I think that should help you learn how to treat others, but I guess it doesn't. She really has some communication problems I think and I feel like I'm being able to help her learn how to communicate. She's not always going to have a roommate who cares if they are doing something that upsets her or annoys her! She needs to learn how to say something instead of getting mad and getting revenge, because if you do that to someone who is not so nice, who knows what they will do to YOU. So far, so good!

 

[vibrant]

Oh I know it doesn't I was just pointing out that she was raised in a Christian environment. I think that should help you learn how to treat others, but I guess it doesn't. She really has some communication problems I think and I feel like I'm being able to help her learn how to communicate. She's not always going to have a roommate who cares if they are doing something that upsets her or annoys her! She needs to learn how to say something instead of getting mad and getting revenge, because if you do that to someone who is not so nice, who knows what they will do to YOU. So far, so good!

wow. you gained some wonderful perspective on your situation since i last dropped by this post. keep it up!

 

[Living4Him03]

Wow it has been so hard ya'll! I am still trying to be very nice to her and not annoy her, but it is difficult. She has this attitude of "you're the bully and I"m the victim" going on and so she is making me feel like I am just so annoying and rude. She confronted me AGAIN a few weeks ago if Ididn't already mention and she said she feels like she has to do what I say and that I watch tv when she studies and something about me typing too loud on my keyboard...as if she is miss perfect. It is frustrating for her to be so picky with me that I feel like I have to constantly make sure I am not upsetting her. to me she is just being oversensitive and immature. I am really trying to just get through these last few months with her and to treat her as Christ would, but it is sooooooooooo hard!!!! I just want to tell her to grow up and stop being so immature and sensitive to everything I do. I feel like we are both adults and if I want to come to the room and not talk a lot and do my thing I should have the right to do so. Grrrr. Please pray for me!

 

[fishstix]

It is frustrating for her to be so picky with me that I feel like I have to constantly make sure I am not upsetting her. I feel like we are both adults and if I want to come to the room and not talk a lot and do my thing I should have the right to do so.

Have you told her those things? Don't wait for her to come to you to talk problems over - you should start some of those conversations too. Rarely in the whole "roommate issues" business is the whole problem caused by only one person. She's frustrating you, and you're frustrating her. In order to resolve things, you're both going to have to sit down, talk things out, and compromise. In other words, neither of you is going to totally get your own way. And it's only going to work if neither of you tries to blame everything on the other person. Things will only get worse if you sit in silence and keep rubbing each other the wrong way. Good luck.

 

[Living4Him03]

she seems to think she does nothing wrong and i have tried when we talked before to tell her she was frustrating me and i even admitted to being immature in some instances in dealing with it. she hasnt admitted to anything and i know it is frustration from both of our sides. I just want to find a way for both of us to be happy for the rest of the semester. there are so many things to talk about with her i dont even know where to begin! for a few weeks she was nice then she started acting upset with me again, even though i've gone home for two weekends in a row and have been so quiet and have been even typing slower as not to be too loud! i think she is just immature and does not want to admit that the problem is from BOTH of us. She will not listen to me when I try to tell her what is bugging me , she just gets loud and starts telling me how SHE feels. She has started acting like she does not care one way or the other if things work out and now instead of being nice she is getting more rude. today she brought a guest over and didnt say hi or anything or tell me a guest (male) was coming.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her to tell me in advance when she wants to have a guest in the room or to ask if i'm okay with it? I told her I am willing to compromise and that I am not going to say no you can't have anyone over ever and try to control it. She can go to the study lounge and we also have another lounge. I just am uncomfortable with her bringing male friends to my ( it is my room too!) room ...I am a fairly modest person and usually in my pajamas in the morning or evening when she brings them over. I want privacy! I also feel like I am expected to get up and leave the room when they come over, but I don't believe I should have to do that. But, i know if i ask she is just going to say that I am trying to be controlling of her and she will continue the bully-victim junk. I don't want to confront her with this because i know if i do she will find something else to pick at me about in retaliation.

 

[fishstix]

As far as the male friends go - I would tell her that I need some advance warning before she lets a guy in the room because I'm not comfortable with having guys see me in my pajamas. Let her know how much warning you need - 5 minutes, day before, or whatever. From my point of view, 5 or 10 minutes to change should be a reasonable amount of warning time to expect.

BTW, weren't you complaining before that you didn't like it when she always said hi because you didn't want to talk? Or am I getting things backwards?

If the two of you can't work things out on your own, you may have to bring in a mediator to help you discuss the problems - perhaps an RA or someone like that; and preferably not someone who is a close friend of either one of you as that could cause a problem with the mediator picking one side.