Roles in a Relationship...and etc.

[fadedblue]

Hi, I'm kind of new around here, read the boards but never got around to registering until now . But I just had some questions/issues that I wanted to broach to all of you and perhaps get some of your advice in return...

I've been in a relationship for about 13 months, with a guy that I truly love and care for. We started out the relationship with very honorable and good intentions--that is, set on keeping our relationship clean and pleasing to God. Unfortunately, we soon were separated when we left for school (we were long distance during the year...however this upcoming school year we'll be on the same campus) and since we saw each other only every so often, we would be very close and did some regrettable things, in fact, up to sometime not so long from now. We felt bad about our actions and brought up the fact that we needed to get our relationship onto the right track but we didn't truly do and commit to that until I got the guts to write it all out in a longgg letter (I'm very bad at bringing up things like that) and he really got the message. We prayed together for the first time in a while, and repented and lifted up our relationship to Him... now we are determined to do this the right way, God's way, and it's just such a load off the shoulders.

Despite all of this, I feel that oftentimes our roles are reversed in this relationship, and it bothers me sometimes. He's a pretty quiet, passive guy, not the type of person that would bring up much that's bothering him, and when he does, it's not often. But he should be the leader in our relationship, spiritually and even in some other circumstances, but he just doesn't step up to the plate. I'm usually the one that brings up the issues (assuming I get the nerve to do it) and I feel like I'm leading him all the time. It's a bit tiring to be honest...a lot of weight at times. I've bought it up with him a lot, and he always feels bad and says that he definitely will work harder at it but I don't see the result. I want us to be able to pray together and read the bible together but I feel that everytime we do get to, I'm the one who's suggesting this or that. I want him to take initiative in our relationship, not just sit back and enjoy the ride. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? Am I being too impatient? And I guess on a related note, he doesn't seem to feel the need to bring up other issues in our relationship. Like, if something annoys him or frustrates him, he just simply becomes patronizing and condescending until it stops or I force him to admit it. It doesn't happen too often, but it does often enough to get annoying for me too.

Okay, you're probably thinking, dang, she has so many problems! But it's really not as miserable as I'm making it out to be. I'm really happy with him and i'm especially happy that we were able to recommit our relationship to Him. But there are just certain aspects that I don't know how to handle because he just doesn't.

 

[CDN Red Raider]

Be warry of a man who is not a leader. Its the role that God has chosen us for and when we fail in that, we put ourselves in an awful position. for the first while in the relationship i am in, i felt like i was in the position of your boyfriend. i wasnt bringing up things that needed to be talked about, i wasnt the spiritual leader. but i knew it was not the way our relationship would be. i also knew there was no way i could lead a family if i was showing no leadership when there were only two of us. ive prayed about it a lot, and ive tried to be willing to bring up things we need to talk about and make suggestions that will help us both in our spiritual life. im still not the leader i need to be, but i can tell that God is working on me. if your boyfriend has no desire to be the leader, think about what kinda of leader of the family he will be. i know alot of girls will say its ok for them to be the leader of the family, but its not what God told them to do. its a mans job.

 

[fadedblue]

thanks for replying!

i believe that too, that is that men should be the leader of the relationship. by no means does that mean they can step all over women as some people believe *and i personally wouldn't take it!* but it is a God-given responsibility.

the interesting thing is that he has been in many leadership positions...and at least from what i can see, they're pretty successful. he was the worship leader for our youth group and will be worship leader for our college ministry. he leads small groups for our ministry as well. i don't know, is it a different sort of leadership that we should seek in our relationship? being a leader in other spiritual areas cannot differ too greatly from being a spiritual leader in a relationship =\. *sigh*

 

[KristianJ]

The general idea of leadership in different settings and situations shouldn't be too different. If he's been passive like you say for the entirety of the relationship, I wouldn't be too concerned unless he's abdicating the role that he should have. As CDN rightly said, there should be a desire on any man's behalf to step up to the plate and assume the leadership role delegated by God. Don't be afraid to continue to gently show him what God's Word says about the male role in any relationship. But don't be too frustrated...nobody can mould your boyfriend into what God desires more effectively than the Creator Himself. And depending on his willingness to identify and submit to God's will, it could take a litle while.