Right and wrong

[lovefire]

This is a strange thing for me. I love my gf very much. But when it comes to things relating to sex (even talking bout it) we don't know what we can and can't say. So the end result is that we don't talk about those things at all. The problem with that is that there are times I want to talk with her about how things should be in marriage when it comes to that. I always believed you should talk about every aspect of marriage before it happens. Some times I wonder if we will ever be able to talk about those things without feeling like we are doing wrong even IN marriage. I am not saying we should talk in a manner that would make us fall. I am just saying a serious TALK to learn things about that area with each other before we marry. It's like it's a whole other side of us that neither one of us knows. Like we are holding back from each other. I know we should hold back some things, but I am not so sure about if we should not at least let each other know about the other side of each other.

So confused...What is right and what is wrong? Please help me out. Cause I am so confused I am not even sure what my question is.

 

[ps34_18]

well, I don't know if I can answer your right and wrong question, but I can tell you about my experience with this. My fiance and I actually talk quite a bit about sex and things relating to it. Sometimes it's weird how open we are about it, since we're both virgins and really don't have any idea what we're talking about. To be completely honest, we've had to be this open because of the many times when we've given into temptation and started going places physically that we knew we shouldn't. I'm not saying we've had sex, because we haven't, but there's a lot you can do before actually having sex that I'm quite sure we shouldn't be doing. Anyway, because we struggle so much with this temptation it's kind of become necessary for us to talk about sex etc. in order to determine what we shouldn't be doing because it only leads to more trouble. I don't think our talking about it is wrong, because talking about it rarely leads us into temptation...in fact talking about it openly helps us to fight off the temptation. Enough about my experience...

I think you are completely right when you say that you should talk with your gf about it before you get married. Sex is an important part of marriage and if you don't start at least talking about it beforehand, you're going to have some pretty awkward moments down the road. I'm not saying it's going to be easy to talk about it...for some people it's easier than others...but if you're planning to marry your gf, you should bring it up sometime. Maybe she's been having the same kind of questions...

 

[mghalpern]

I echo most of what ps34_18 said. I would add that there is no hurry to discuss sex though unless you are actively/physically pursuing one another and I wouldn't recommend to that. I would suggest taking a pre-married class when you become engaged. You will most probably have to discuss it there, as it is often part of the material. Also, I would advise you to seek pre-marital counseling with you pastor when you get much closer to you wedding day. If he or she doesn't bring up the sex issue, I would bring it up for discussion when the three of you are together. It isn't that uncommon for a person to not talk about something they are rather uncomfortable with (women often have more trouble with this subject, but men often have trouble expressing the innermost feelings, so we all have issues). Be patient and focus on the multitude of other areas of life that are much more important than sex...Michael

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I'd say wait until engagement to begin talking about stuff like that.
You don't want to put the cart before the horse. But I understand where you're coming from.
Remember that she is your friend as well. It's ok to talk like you're friends.
I'm pretty open about things. But I'm older, married, and have worked a few things out.
When I was younger I didn't talk about stuff like this cause I was a little too busy doing them. So my hats off to you.

Remember that you're human and not above anything. Your honest inquiries have the potential for much more than you may have bargained for.

 

[Iggster]

I think your question is," Are you sexually compatible with your girlfriend, should you decide to marry her?" While you could wait until engagement to ask, there could be some surprises you're not ready for. Then you may feel as if you just wasted your whole time being with a person that you're not sexually compatible with.

Apart from all the other things that we see as important in a relationship, sex is also an important topic to discuss. So, in a sense, I do agree with you. However, how long have you two been together is the question.

She may not be comfortable talking about it in an early stage of a relationship. But as time goes by, she may start to open up little by little.

To be honest, sex can make or break a relationship in the long run. So yeah.....I think you should get to the bottom of this, or get out. I've seen so many Christians fall from grace because they cheated on their partner.

This is obviously something important to you. She should also consider how you feel about it. But if you two can't even talk about it, then there's an integral part of your relationship that could be missing. Which in turn, could make you unhappy in your marriage. Hence, the term unfaithful spouse.

 

[Johnnz]

Often, talking is hard because we have no information to talk about. Obtaining some suitable christian material can be helpful, although timing can be important, as too much information too early can make life more difficult.

Also, there can be embarrassment/shame associated with sexual matters that makes any discussion difficult. You will have to just face up to that!

John
NZ

 

[KristianJ]

It'll be different for each couple around here - it's just the way that we are, I guess. I personally feel that I'm open to discussing with my gf about matters relating to sex in marriage, but whether she is similarly open is another point for me to consider before initiating a conversation about it. All the others have made very valid points - if you do get into such a discussion, don't let it turn into anything other than a sensible, godly talk.

 

[MagicStar723]

I would pray about it and wait until engagement to talk about it. If you pray about it and God leads you to marry this girl, (get engaged) then you will not be "sexually incompatible" because it is His will. I would wait until you are closer to marriage to talk about it because talking about it will lead to curiousity, temptation and possibly sin.

 

[lovefire]

Thanks everyone. I AM planing to marry her and she knows I am going to ask her soon enough. I just guess what bothers me is that I don't want her to feel ashamed or embarest to talk with me as her husband. It makes me wonder if thats how it will be when we marry because that is how it is now. Oh and it will be a short engagment too. So I am kinda looking at it as though we are already engaged because when it is official things will move VERY fast.

 

[E-beth]

The transition from being a couple trying to remain pure to a married couple that is blessed by God to be physically intimate is sometimes very very awkward. Once you are officially engaged your job will be to start talking about things in a more intimate way. Not to tempt you, but to iron out issues that will need to be dealt with before you get married.

The best way for a couple to get over the initial awkwardness is by using some sort of guide. Maybe you could take turns reading a Christian book about marriage and sex and tehn getting together later to discuss it. Once you start communicating about stuff like that, it gets easier. Which is why you have to be careful not to get too tempted. Set boundaries and stick to them.

 

[lovefire]

The transition from being a couple trying to remain pure to a married couple that is blessed by God to be physically intimate is sometimes very very awkward. Once you are officially engaged your job will be to start talking about things in a more intimate way.

Well, the reason I say I am considering myself engaged now is because we have talked about marriage. And we both want a short engagment. By that I mean a few days after engagment we are married lol. And we both want to be married to each other...in fact I already asked her if she would say yes when I ask officialy and she said she would. Thats why I consider it like we ARE engaged. Thus I can't "wait" till engagment cause it is just around the corner plus after that all we are going to have time for is preparing the wedding. Besides we both believe that a couple should talk about EVERYTHING before engagment first anyway. But thanks for the advice on the guide. I will look into it.