Revisiting the Past

[The4Rs]

Hi,

I am a survivor of childhood abuse by an alcholic step-father. For seven years of my childhood I endured his abuse among other abuses prior to him. I built all these elaborate walls around my memories and I have all of these defense systems set up to protect myself.

I actually never knew I did this until a few months ago. God spoke to me one night and asked me why I did not share my gift of life with that little girl inside. A few days later I accepted Jesus and had her baptized. The abuse has impacted my relationship with God even more so since I have received Jesus for the inner child (the abused child). I keep waiting for God to punish me, leave me or reject me. I know what the truths are in the bible but it is like engrained in me to think and do opposite of what I know to be true. I have such a deep fear of him leaving or rejecting me. I have the gift of Prophesy and visions. So every night and some afternoons when I nap He gives me visions of things that are going to happen the next day or later that day. My pastor says that God always gives us encouraging and loving messages but I keep taking every one of the messages and turning them around to him telling me I am in trouble or I am falling. I will also read a devotional or the bible now and I have such a hard time.

I keep having these dreams that there is this party going on in the ball room but I won't go in the door. I am angry and am just in the lobby of the building. Outside of the building is darkness and all kinds of people doing bad things. I am afraid I will never enter through the door.

I don't know if anyone has or is going through this or maybe I am the only crazy person here but I could use some encouragement.

God Bless!

 

[Criada]

Oh sweetie
I am sorry that you went through that.. and I know how hard it is when we start to take those walls down and face the memories.
But, sister, you did nothing wrong You were a victim, and that is not your fault.
God loves you, unconditionally and forever. He doesn't want to punish you, sweetie, He wants to hold you in His arms and wipe away your tears.

Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

That is a promise. He is with you, and He loves you.. so much that it makes Him sing!

Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

I am praying for you, sweetie, and if you want to talk, please PM me any time

 

[Annie7]

The4Rs, thank you so much for sharing. It takes a lot of courage. I agree with my sister Criada, that you did nothing wrong. I too am learning this in counseling. It will take time! It is okay to be angry, that is part of the healing process. It is also hard for me at this time to even read my Bible. I find by listening to CD's or a Christian television program is much easier for me to deal with. Don't feel guilty. That is Satan's tool. Accept you are hurting, it is okay to feel this way now.

We are all here for you.