Please help us sort out this dilemma, it would be greatly appreciated. Request prayer also.
His side:
I must tell a long story in order to paint a clear picture of the situation. The best solution that I could come up with for this was letting someone else give their opinion and then setting it in stone whatever the outcome might be, because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this issue. My girlfriend/fiancee and I are stuck in an ongoing disagreement which is threatening our relationship and I definitely do not want to lose her, especially over something I think should be fairly easily resolved. We have been together for 2 1/2 years, she has 2 sons, 21 and 18. When we first got together, it became clear to me that the youngest son had a minimal amount of respect for his mother by the way he talked to her and really had a habit of not asking, but telling her to do things, or not to, in effect talking down to her. Her oldest was and is like this also but he is out of the house now and there's not too much that can be done about it. Over time this really got under my skin. I was not raised this way and although I mouthed off when I was a teenager at my parents, I was also subject to a good rap in the mouth if I got too out of hand... or worse. I ended up telling her son that I didn't think he treated his mom right.. yeah... I lost my temper pretty bad...it made my blood boil to hear him talk to her like that. These incidents continued for a while until apparently he saw that I was not going to listen to that stuff without coming back at him.
She made the huge mistake after her philandering husband divorced her of "buddying up" to her youngest, and treating him as an equal. Therefore any respect he may have had before was gone. Since the divorce he has used the situation to his full advantage, going back and forth between wherever best suits his desires. He has zero responsibilities expected of him in either home, that is the direct point of our disagreements. She has said she will get him to do a few things but if he chooses not to then it's not enforced, overlooked, and he's rarely asked anyway. She and I are struggling hard financially as I am working through college in order to make a better life for us one day. I have only been able to work part time this semester due to my crazy school schedule. (Full load, both day and night classes.) We do without a lot but I had resigned myself that was the way it was going to be in order for things to be better later. I am considering my schooling as my primary work now and am determined to not just make good grades, but be exceptional in my work.
Back to her son. Although we are below middle class most all his friends come from wealthy families. It seems he expects to be handed things just like they are, and I think there's a certain amount of resentment from him that he's not. But regardless, when he's here or when he's at his dad's he just does what he wants to do.. mostly playing on the computer. He usually eats at his dad's because they will have something all ready and fixed for him when he wants it, and his dad's woman will do his laundry for him. We've gone through periods where he was regularly complaining about this house not being picked up like he'd like while he sat on his rear, again doing whatever he chose. His nit-pickiness about neatness seems kind of like an unnatural obsession for someone his age. There was a time when I was crawling around in the attic re-running ductwork for the air-conditoning system, and he complained to his mother about the insulation on the floor which had fallen through the attic access as he sat on his rear once again. He has "lowered himself" from time to time to do a general surface cleaning, but only if he had friends coming over.. it sure wasn't for our benefit. My girlfriend makes the regular excuse of "he's hardly ever here", but he makes his own decisions of where he wants to be at the moment. My point is he uses the facilities of this household just like we do, and I believe should be contributing something in the way of consistent chores, and not just getting a totally free ride all the time. But he does what I call blackmailing her by threatening to move in with his dad permanently if things don't go his way.
The last incident between her son and me was right after he turned 18, and I expressed that I thought it was time for him to take on a few more of those responsibilities. I got angry that his mother had asked him to take a bag of garbage to the road which he had sat out on the back deck (when he had friends coming over.) We have a lot of cats and they will always tear into the bags and scatter trash everywhere, which she warned him of. He said he'd pick it up later and left the bag on the deck. Sure enough, the next morning trash was all over the place and stayed there as he walked on by. I waited a few days, and then ended up picking it up myself, and I was plenty hot. I told him later he needed to do what his mom asked him to do. He indicated to me that he thought we should be doing the work around here, which made me that much angrier. I told him that this was his home, my home, but his mother's house, and not to expect things to always be kept on top of all the time as long as his mother was okay with things. I also cut off his use of my computer for a few days which is a better one than hers. It seems the concept of consequences for actions or inactions has not applied to him and I was probably the first to ever impliment it. (Not my place I know, but this was more out of desperation.)
To his credit I will say he stays out of trouble and makes good grades in school. He is attending both high school which he will graduate this year, and college classes. He is working part time waiting tables to pay for his vehicle and half the insurance. This would not be happening if it wasn't for me fighting tooth and nail over about 6 months to convince his mother that she could not afford to buy him the near flawless vehicle he insisted on having, and that it would be good experience for him to work. His dad offered to buy him a less expensive vehicle when he turned 16 but he turned up his nose at it, there was stringent criteria involved in his first vehicle selection. (He turned down a nice pickup truck because it had one small tear in the seat.)
My girlfriend uses the excuse that he was so hurt and traumatized by the divorce that she just wants him to be happy.. but for crying out loud he's had 3 years to adjust to it.
She thinks I am being petty and self-centered for insisting on what I feel should just be parental common sense. Wouldn't it be nice to be exempt from any unpleasantries in life? My.. what a wonderful world it would be. If I sound jealous and a little bitter, you bet I am! I ask myself all the time why so much is expected of me but it seems he is exempt from what most people have to deal with..by birthright alone? Summer's coming and I am going back to work full time, and her son will be going to school part time and working just enough to pay for his vehicle and insurance. I'm sure he will have plenty of free time that I won't but will still not be required to do anything around here.. just play and have the luxury of me being gone all day. I would like for us to reach a solid agreement on how things are going to be before that time rolls around, because I know I will be plenty resentful if things play out the way I know they will if left up to her. If I am indeed being petty then by all means, let me know it. A lot of people have said 18 years old is too late to be changing things.. but I disagree if someone would get some guts around here. We have been talking about getting married which I know would be the right and Christian thing to do, but it's become clear that married or not.. the situation would be exactly the same. Please let me reiterate.. ZERO responsibilities and ZERO consequences for actions... what's up with that???
Thank you.
P.S. In response to what my girlfriend wrote, I do not think that her son should be working full time this summer and going to school, I only think it's time for him to start contributing something to the household if he is going to be utilizing it and depleting resources. The deal about keeping records on him has been to simply have black and white evidence disproving what she says about him hardly ever being here, which I knew better. She makes me sound like some kind of freeloader but I have contributed as much as I possibly could to this household including money and upkeep, and later I will be the primary breadwinner. I just want some resolution to this issue before we each go into a second marriage.. I do not want this clouding our relationship and for us to have a mutual agreement on it. My "obsession" with this topic is only because I want this out of the way and done with so we can move on and progress. I know this is damaging our relationship.. that's why I want it resolved. What is a compromise here? He is either required to contribute or not, I see nothing really in between.
Her side:
You have heard his side of the story. First of all I would like to say, yes, we are living together against my better judgment and values. I truly believed that once my boyfriend moved in that this resentment towards my son would cease and that we would be married. I am so confused and hurt now I don't know which way to turn.
I work full time as a teacher and have a part time job going to alternative from 3:00 - 5:00. I also work summer school during the summers. I agreed that my boyfriend could go to school and live here. He lived in another town about 35 miles away and the commute was getting really hard on me as well as him. At first he was receiving unemployment benefits that helped a lot. That ran out after he was in his second semester of school. Then his car broke down and I agreed for him to take me back and forth to school. He uses my car every day for school.
I agree that he did me a favor in convincing me that it was the best thing was for my son to go to work, especially now after I have incurred more debts. I feel like I have done everything for us to be together and he has this huge resentment towards my son that will not cease. I feel resentful about this because I feel like I have bent backwards for him. Now, he says that we can't be married until these issues are resolved. Which seems like a very good idea to me now. I even loaned him some money that I could not afford for him and his friend to make a CD. I would not mind doing all of this for him because I love him except for the fact that he is unwilling to be at peace with my son. He harps on every little thing that my son does day in and day out. He now even keeps a record of when he is here and when he eats here because; I told him that my son is hardly ever here now because of him. My son tries to avoid being here when my boyfriend is here. I realize that he should have chores around the house but the fact is he hardly is ever here except to sleep.
I admit that he does play his dad and I both. The kid is not perfect but, as far as I am concerned he almost is. My son is now 18 years old. He also has a very busy schedule which includes high school, college, and work. His hobbies include sports, writing to famous personalities, reading & listening to Christian music, and now he wants to write an inspirational book of quotes of his own. He doesn't stay out late, drink, or smoke. He hangs around some really good kids.
My son was cleaning the house some when his friends were coming over. My boyfriend points out to me that he's only doing it because friends are coming over and points out what he doesn't do. For instance, my son won't wash the dishes he just fills the sink with dirty dishes but does wipe down the counters. It seems like my boyfriend also resents that my son will not be working full time when he will be this summer because he will be going to college this summer.
I feel like I am caught in the middle and don't know which way to turn. I don't feel like I have done anything to deserve the harassing that he has given me about this subject. I also feel like our entire relationship hinges on this issue. Reading over this, it just sounds so immature and selfish of him to be this way. My boyfriend is obsessed with this topic. We have both agreed that this must be resolved before we can be married. I was married for almost 23 years and marriage is very important to me. I want my 2nd marriage to be one of a lifetime. I wanted my boyfriend and I to have a good life together but, I don't know how things stand between us now. I feel that if he truly loved me he could be a little bit more understanding of the relationship that I have with my son and want to be his friend. I have only skimmed the surface of the arguments that we have had about my son. I feel like I am right and he feels like he is right. I love my boyfriend and my son both and don't want to lose either of them. I also feel like I have made huge sacrifices for my boyfriend to go to school. Why can't he see that hanging on to this issue is damaging our relationship? It seems to me that since I am the one making the living right now that some kind of compromise on this issue should be made on his part. I am under a lot of stress and don't need this issue hanging over my head every single day. The only thing that I can think of that would resolve this is Christian counseling but; I feel so ashamed of not being married. I feel that my boyfriend is not going to change his heart about this without the help of the Holy Spirit. I would appreciate any advice you could give us. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
His side:
I must tell a long story in order to paint a clear picture of the situation. The best solution that I could come up with for this was letting someone else give their opinion and then setting it in stone whatever the outcome might be, because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this issue. My girlfriend/fiancee and I are stuck in an ongoing disagreement which is threatening our relationship and I definitely do not want to lose her, especially over something I think should be fairly easily resolved. We have been together for 2 1/2 years, she has 2 sons, 21 and 18. When we first got together, it became clear to me that the youngest son had a minimal amount of respect for his mother by the way he talked to her and really had a habit of not asking, but telling her to do things, or not to, in effect talking down to her. Her oldest was and is like this also but he is out of the house now and there's not too much that can be done about it. Over time this really got under my skin. I was not raised this way and although I mouthed off when I was a teenager at my parents, I was also subject to a good rap in the mouth if I got too out of hand... or worse. I ended up telling her son that I didn't think he treated his mom right.. yeah... I lost my temper pretty bad...it made my blood boil to hear him talk to her like that. These incidents continued for a while until apparently he saw that I was not going to listen to that stuff without coming back at him.
She made the huge mistake after her philandering husband divorced her of "buddying up" to her youngest, and treating him as an equal. Therefore any respect he may have had before was gone. Since the divorce he has used the situation to his full advantage, going back and forth between wherever best suits his desires. He has zero responsibilities expected of him in either home, that is the direct point of our disagreements. She has said she will get him to do a few things but if he chooses not to then it's not enforced, overlooked, and he's rarely asked anyway. She and I are struggling hard financially as I am working through college in order to make a better life for us one day. I have only been able to work part time this semester due to my crazy school schedule. (Full load, both day and night classes.) We do without a lot but I had resigned myself that was the way it was going to be in order for things to be better later. I am considering my schooling as my primary work now and am determined to not just make good grades, but be exceptional in my work.
Back to her son. Although we are below middle class most all his friends come from wealthy families. It seems he expects to be handed things just like they are, and I think there's a certain amount of resentment from him that he's not. But regardless, when he's here or when he's at his dad's he just does what he wants to do.. mostly playing on the computer. He usually eats at his dad's because they will have something all ready and fixed for him when he wants it, and his dad's woman will do his laundry for him. We've gone through periods where he was regularly complaining about this house not being picked up like he'd like while he sat on his rear, again doing whatever he chose. His nit-pickiness about neatness seems kind of like an unnatural obsession for someone his age. There was a time when I was crawling around in the attic re-running ductwork for the air-conditoning system, and he complained to his mother about the insulation on the floor which had fallen through the attic access as he sat on his rear once again. He has "lowered himself" from time to time to do a general surface cleaning, but only if he had friends coming over.. it sure wasn't for our benefit. My girlfriend makes the regular excuse of "he's hardly ever here", but he makes his own decisions of where he wants to be at the moment. My point is he uses the facilities of this household just like we do, and I believe should be contributing something in the way of consistent chores, and not just getting a totally free ride all the time. But he does what I call blackmailing her by threatening to move in with his dad permanently if things don't go his way.
The last incident between her son and me was right after he turned 18, and I expressed that I thought it was time for him to take on a few more of those responsibilities. I got angry that his mother had asked him to take a bag of garbage to the road which he had sat out on the back deck (when he had friends coming over.) We have a lot of cats and they will always tear into the bags and scatter trash everywhere, which she warned him of. He said he'd pick it up later and left the bag on the deck. Sure enough, the next morning trash was all over the place and stayed there as he walked on by. I waited a few days, and then ended up picking it up myself, and I was plenty hot. I told him later he needed to do what his mom asked him to do. He indicated to me that he thought we should be doing the work around here, which made me that much angrier. I told him that this was his home, my home, but his mother's house, and not to expect things to always be kept on top of all the time as long as his mother was okay with things. I also cut off his use of my computer for a few days which is a better one than hers. It seems the concept of consequences for actions or inactions has not applied to him and I was probably the first to ever impliment it. (Not my place I know, but this was more out of desperation.)
To his credit I will say he stays out of trouble and makes good grades in school. He is attending both high school which he will graduate this year, and college classes. He is working part time waiting tables to pay for his vehicle and half the insurance. This would not be happening if it wasn't for me fighting tooth and nail over about 6 months to convince his mother that she could not afford to buy him the near flawless vehicle he insisted on having, and that it would be good experience for him to work. His dad offered to buy him a less expensive vehicle when he turned 16 but he turned up his nose at it, there was stringent criteria involved in his first vehicle selection. (He turned down a nice pickup truck because it had one small tear in the seat.)
My girlfriend uses the excuse that he was so hurt and traumatized by the divorce that she just wants him to be happy.. but for crying out loud he's had 3 years to adjust to it.
She thinks I am being petty and self-centered for insisting on what I feel should just be parental common sense. Wouldn't it be nice to be exempt from any unpleasantries in life? My.. what a wonderful world it would be. If I sound jealous and a little bitter, you bet I am! I ask myself all the time why so much is expected of me but it seems he is exempt from what most people have to deal with..by birthright alone? Summer's coming and I am going back to work full time, and her son will be going to school part time and working just enough to pay for his vehicle and insurance. I'm sure he will have plenty of free time that I won't but will still not be required to do anything around here.. just play and have the luxury of me being gone all day. I would like for us to reach a solid agreement on how things are going to be before that time rolls around, because I know I will be plenty resentful if things play out the way I know they will if left up to her. If I am indeed being petty then by all means, let me know it. A lot of people have said 18 years old is too late to be changing things.. but I disagree if someone would get some guts around here. We have been talking about getting married which I know would be the right and Christian thing to do, but it's become clear that married or not.. the situation would be exactly the same. Please let me reiterate.. ZERO responsibilities and ZERO consequences for actions... what's up with that???
Thank you.
P.S. In response to what my girlfriend wrote, I do not think that her son should be working full time this summer and going to school, I only think it's time for him to start contributing something to the household if he is going to be utilizing it and depleting resources. The deal about keeping records on him has been to simply have black and white evidence disproving what she says about him hardly ever being here, which I knew better. She makes me sound like some kind of freeloader but I have contributed as much as I possibly could to this household including money and upkeep, and later I will be the primary breadwinner. I just want some resolution to this issue before we each go into a second marriage.. I do not want this clouding our relationship and for us to have a mutual agreement on it. My "obsession" with this topic is only because I want this out of the way and done with so we can move on and progress. I know this is damaging our relationship.. that's why I want it resolved. What is a compromise here? He is either required to contribute or not, I see nothing really in between.
Her side:
You have heard his side of the story. First of all I would like to say, yes, we are living together against my better judgment and values. I truly believed that once my boyfriend moved in that this resentment towards my son would cease and that we would be married. I am so confused and hurt now I don't know which way to turn.
I work full time as a teacher and have a part time job going to alternative from 3:00 - 5:00. I also work summer school during the summers. I agreed that my boyfriend could go to school and live here. He lived in another town about 35 miles away and the commute was getting really hard on me as well as him. At first he was receiving unemployment benefits that helped a lot. That ran out after he was in his second semester of school. Then his car broke down and I agreed for him to take me back and forth to school. He uses my car every day for school.
I agree that he did me a favor in convincing me that it was the best thing was for my son to go to work, especially now after I have incurred more debts. I feel like I have done everything for us to be together and he has this huge resentment towards my son that will not cease. I feel resentful about this because I feel like I have bent backwards for him. Now, he says that we can't be married until these issues are resolved. Which seems like a very good idea to me now. I even loaned him some money that I could not afford for him and his friend to make a CD. I would not mind doing all of this for him because I love him except for the fact that he is unwilling to be at peace with my son. He harps on every little thing that my son does day in and day out. He now even keeps a record of when he is here and when he eats here because; I told him that my son is hardly ever here now because of him. My son tries to avoid being here when my boyfriend is here. I realize that he should have chores around the house but the fact is he hardly is ever here except to sleep.
I admit that he does play his dad and I both. The kid is not perfect but, as far as I am concerned he almost is. My son is now 18 years old. He also has a very busy schedule which includes high school, college, and work. His hobbies include sports, writing to famous personalities, reading & listening to Christian music, and now he wants to write an inspirational book of quotes of his own. He doesn't stay out late, drink, or smoke. He hangs around some really good kids.
My son was cleaning the house some when his friends were coming over. My boyfriend points out to me that he's only doing it because friends are coming over and points out what he doesn't do. For instance, my son won't wash the dishes he just fills the sink with dirty dishes but does wipe down the counters. It seems like my boyfriend also resents that my son will not be working full time when he will be this summer because he will be going to college this summer.
I feel like I am caught in the middle and don't know which way to turn. I don't feel like I have done anything to deserve the harassing that he has given me about this subject. I also feel like our entire relationship hinges on this issue. Reading over this, it just sounds so immature and selfish of him to be this way. My boyfriend is obsessed with this topic. We have both agreed that this must be resolved before we can be married. I was married for almost 23 years and marriage is very important to me. I want my 2nd marriage to be one of a lifetime. I wanted my boyfriend and I to have a good life together but, I don't know how things stand between us now. I feel that if he truly loved me he could be a little bit more understanding of the relationship that I have with my son and want to be his friend. I have only skimmed the surface of the arguments that we have had about my son. I feel like I am right and he feels like he is right. I love my boyfriend and my son both and don't want to lose either of them. I also feel like I have made huge sacrifices for my boyfriend to go to school. Why can't he see that hanging on to this issue is damaging our relationship? It seems to me that since I am the one making the living right now that some kind of compromise on this issue should be made on his part. I am under a lot of stress and don't need this issue hanging over my head every single day. The only thing that I can think of that would resolve this is Christian counseling but; I feel so ashamed of not being married. I feel that my boyfriend is not going to change his heart about this without the help of the Holy Spirit. I would appreciate any advice you could give us. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
