Time is creeping on and the second anniversary of my grandads death gets closer and closer day by day. So it seemed fitting to post the poem I wrote last year as I was dreading the coming of the 14th of April. Dreading the grief and dreading not being able to stop myself from going near alcohol as my grandads death lead me to binge drink throughout 2003.
The Truth
The time is coming,
It's almost here
The time that saddens me
The time I fear
Time to remember
Can't help but to
Time to face up
To losing you
Been drowning myself
Not letting feelings through
Might as well have died
Along with you
I haven't been living
Destroying myself from within
Hurting all that lies
Beneath my skin
Life is precious
To that I should have wisened
But instead my eyes sting
Again I am frightened
Frightened of what I may do
Frightened of what I've done
Frightened that I can't cope
With anniversary number one
As it looms ahead of me
I feel I'm loosing control
Falling back to the darkness
Falling back into a hole
I'd only just crawled out
I fear it'll hit me back
I hope I have control
But I know that's what I lack
I don't want to forget
But forgive me if I do
Because I can't stand it anymore
Knowing that I've lost you
By Starelda
Times have changed since then though. At that time I hadn't yet come back to the Lord. It's been my relationship with God that's stopped me binge drinking, I stopped for Him and the last time I came close to a binge was last year I got down on my knees and prayed that He'd help me, He did.
So when anniversary number one was looming I feared I'd end up drowning my sorrows again. I feared I'd end up as a drunk, crying and shaking pile on the floor just like I was days before he died. Anniversary number two is getting closer each day, this time I've nothing to fear. I have the Lord by my side now so this year Grandad, I'll be remembering you without the fear.
The Truth
The time is coming,
It's almost here
The time that saddens me
The time I fear
Time to remember
Can't help but to
Time to face up
To losing you
Been drowning myself
Not letting feelings through
Might as well have died
Along with you
I haven't been living
Destroying myself from within
Hurting all that lies
Beneath my skin
Life is precious
To that I should have wisened
But instead my eyes sting
Again I am frightened
Frightened of what I may do
Frightened of what I've done
Frightened that I can't cope
With anniversary number one
As it looms ahead of me
I feel I'm loosing control
Falling back to the darkness
Falling back into a hole
I'd only just crawled out
I fear it'll hit me back
I hope I have control
But I know that's what I lack
I don't want to forget
But forgive me if I do
Because I can't stand it anymore
Knowing that I've lost you
By Starelda
Times have changed since then though. At that time I hadn't yet come back to the Lord. It's been my relationship with God that's stopped me binge drinking, I stopped for Him and the last time I came close to a binge was last year I got down on my knees and prayed that He'd help me, He did.
So when anniversary number one was looming I feared I'd end up drowning my sorrows again. I feared I'd end up as a drunk, crying and shaking pile on the floor just like I was days before he died. Anniversary number two is getting closer each day, this time I've nothing to fear. I have the Lord by my side now so this year Grandad, I'll be remembering you without the fear.
