Remaining friends

[cloudstrife007]

I'm stuck in a rut liking my friend from church and learning how to control my feelings. I already approached her about it and she only sees us as friends. We've been serving in the young adults ministry together over this year and I've been trying my hardest not to make things hard/awkward between us (I don't flirt, I don't give her special attention -- I only talk to and care for her to make sure she's going okay in looking after her girls). I've tried hard to not be a stumbling block for her or anyone.

My mind and logic says to move on and continue serving, keeping myself busy. If she doesn't like me she doesn't like me. God knows whats best. I need to move on and focus on growing as a Christian and serving people.

But at times I've found it extremely hard to deal with and control my feelings.

She's a good friend and I care more about our friendship than actually "being with her". I want to maintain a healthy friendship with her without expecting anything out of it. I haven't talked to her about my problem because I don't want to burden her with my feelings when it's not exactly her 'problem'. She hasn't ever indicated interest or anything like that to make me think otherwise.

Prayer is always first and foremost.
Anyone have tips on how to deal with it?

 

[Saucy]

You are where probably all of us has been before...having feelings for someone who only wants to be your friend. It's really hard to deal with, especially if you're around that person a lot. Working in the ministry together, it's not like you can get away from her, so I bet you struggle to fight it back, then all it takes is one look at her and you're right back to liking her.

It's heartbreaking and can even feel like torture at times. But the thing that works for me is finding another crush. Someone may look at it like, "Wow, you're moving on fast," but that's not it at all. Your heart just doesn't know how to deal with the pain, so you shift the feelings onto someone else you like.

Crushes are like that though. They're nothing serious, so it's easier to move on. When I crush on someone, my focus is on them until they make it clear they just want to be friends. That's just my way. If they're not interested, there's nothing else you can do.

 

[edwardfsmith]

I do not understand what the problem is.
Something like this kind of happened to me just recently.
I was pretty much ok with being in the position that you are now but the friend had a big problem with the fact that I would have liked a deeper relationship so I guess decided that friendship was not even possible? I am not sure?

So you like a girl and she just wants to be friends. That part I understand.
The part I am not sure about is why the friendship can not continue in that state for a very long time or forever?
Why is it not possible to have feelings for a woman, to wish there could be a deeper relationship, but to accept that it is in Gods hands if this develops and act out of this understanding and acceptance?

At the first job I had out of college. There was a woman that when I first saw her, I was not attracted to her at all. Gradually she became really attractive to me. It got to a point where I did kind of develop a crush I guess. I remember one night when I drove an hour to give her a plant after her mother had died. Well eventually that woman married a guy from work. It was obvious before that and of course really obvious after that that a deeper relationship was not going to develop. But I still had feelings for her even after she was married. I was still attracted to her. But I did not covet. I accept Gods will. I was happy for her that she got married and had a family. It was still a pleasure for me to be her friend even though I was attracted and wished things could have been different.

You make some good points though.
You do not want things to be awkward between you
And you do not want to not expect anything out of the friendship.
Those are 2 good points.

Having no expectations has always been easy for me. I have never really expected that any woman would ever like me. For me it would not be too hard to have friendships were I might wish it could be a deeper relationship, but I would not expect that it would ever happen.
The awkward part might be a little tougher. But everything is kind of awkward for me anyway when I am trying to be social. What specifically are you thinking when you say it might be awkward?

I could see if you are trying to hug her or kiss her all the time, that might be awkward.
But what about the attention… if you are staring at her all the time maybe that would be awkward too. … but other attention I am not sure about?
Don’t friends give each other attention? Don’t they listen to each other and try and make each others lives better? I do not see the problem with giving her the attention that I think any good friends would share with each other?


I think it should be possible to remain friends if you both enjoy each others friendship!

 

[cloudstrife007]

I've thought about just crushing on another person. But in the past, I didn't actually spend a lot of time crushing on people because I think it sapped energy away from me on focusing on other things in life. And perhaps its because she's the first girl I've actually felt attracted to not just in terms of personality, but more so in terms of her godliness and character as a Christian. And I'm also aware that I may think more highly of her because I like her.

It bugs me to have her keep popping up in my mind through the day. And so I try to fight it and not to let it distract me.


Maybe it's not awkward. But at times it can feel like she doesn't seem to want to talk to me in person. Or maybe its because I don't talk to her at church/bible study -- largely because I think we should be looking after others as opposed to just chatting with each other.

I don't know anymore. Our friendship is weird.
She trusts me enough to call me from overseas to check up on her grandmother at the nursing home. She trusts me enough to ask me to go evangelise to her workmate with her.
But then she doesn't seem to want to talk to me on a 1to1 basis in person and in group conversations can actually start picking at my comments over random things.
I'm likely to be more sensitive than I should be relating to things about her but this is how it goes.


Hopefully things will get better when I'm not so busy with uni exams and can spend time with other friends to keep my mind off things. Sorry for being emo and needy :S

 

[RobertMerton]

romantic interests between people in the same church can be a very prickly situation.

in your case OP, i would say it would be hard to remain friends whilst still liking her. If i were you I would distance myself from her, and get over the feelings, let some time go by, then after i'm sure i'm over her, i'd then try and be friends.

 

[Inkachu]

I think you're doing the best you can do at this point. As long as you're both serving in the same ministry, you're going to be seeing her and interacting with her; it's not like you can avoid being around her. Just be a mature gentleman and respect that she isn't interested in you romantically, and hopefully your feelings will fade with time. Not much else you can do.