Hi Kitty,
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know you believe in Divine Election. I am sure you have very valid reasons why you believe in that, and I am not attempting to force you to believe otherwise by what I'm about to say. But I just want to offer a counter-point, or something to think about regarding that. I copied and pasted a set of verses from the Bible below you can look at. In those verses, the Holy Scriptures say that believers who repent and are baptized recieve forgiveness of their sins, the gift of the Holy Spirit, and (further down in those verses says twice how those who do this are added as saved to the Lord's Church). In those verses, further down, it does say that the promise is for all who are far off, for all whom the Lord God will call to Himself. Yet, what is also very important, is another verse: "John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have eternal life." I believe the Bible is a book where it is essential to make sure we are getting the big picture on God's view of any matter (especially salvation). There are some plain statements in the Bible, yet the more we read and understand the context certain statements were written in, the more accurately we can understand what God is communicating to us. In looking at several Scriptures about salvation, it is my honest perception that God does not pick out certain people to predestin for hell or heaven against their will; but offers salvation to all as a gift we can either accept or refuse. I am in no means trying to get into a theological debate, but this seems to be what is most accurately portrayed in Scripture. I'm sure if you were not concrete on your belief in divine election, you could look up more Scriptures in your Bible's concordance that speak about conditions surrounding salvation, or you could look for information online that shows Scriptures or logic that makes a case that opposes the theology of divine election. We all have a choice to believe in God or to not believe in Him. We all have a choice to follow that belief by repenting and being baptized for the forgiveness of our sins. If you believe in God, and you are trying to follow Him in accordance to His Scriptures, you have grace, you are saved.
Acts 2:38
38And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. 39For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself." 40And with many other words he bore witness and continued to exhort them, saying, "Save yourselves from this crooked generation." 41So those who received his word were baptized, an there were added that day about three thousand souls. 42And they devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.
Mark 16:15-16"15And he said to them, "Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. 16Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned."
"John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life"
(Just some side notes: If God was pre-electing people to be saved or unsaved (whether or not they chose to follow Him), it would make God's statement in John 3:16 untrue. It would also make a number of other of statements in Scripture untrue. Hebrews 6:18 says that it is impossible for God to lie.
Hebrews 6:18
18God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. 19We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."
(Side note: This is another encouraging Scripture. Do you believe in God? Have you chosen to repent and be baptized like the Scriptures call us to do? If so, GOD through the Bible says you are saved; matter of fact, He says that if you believe in Him you will not perish.)
I'm sure there are Scriptures those who subscribe to divine election theology look at to arrive at what they understand. Some of that may contradict the statements of the Scriptures above. However, most times when statement(s) in the Bible seem to contradict each other, I find it's usually because one or more of the statements is not being read in the correct context it was written in. Or, because there are other Scriptures that need to be read that will give further information, and therefore a clearer picture of what God's will is, resolving whatever appears to be an alleged difference. There is a really good Christian apologetics website that may deal with some of this stuff, but I am not sure. It's called apologeticspress.org
Whatever your stance ultimately ends up being on this, I pray that your anxiety is put to rest, and that you wrap yourself in the amazing grace that Jesus offers you.
That's why a lot of us here will advise you to "treat the root (OCD) and NOT just the fruit (lack of assurance of salvation.) For now, try to follow the advice of just disregarding the OCD thoughts, dwelling and obsessing etc. I know it's hard, but that will help you the most. Take it from someone who has definitely been there.
