relationships

[Amandine]

Are any of you involved with someone that isn't religious? I am...I just want to vent. Although he tries to understand where I'm coming from and is accepting of my faith, I think it will be a long time before he will understand the heart of my belief. He still pressures me to be overly sexual even though I don't want to anymore. I don't know what I can do to move in a more spiritual direction when he doesn't understand. I'm worried that I might be tempted to be attracted to other more God-fearing friends, which would be rather hypocritical I think (I couldn't just leave him, nor do I want to!!!) Are there any here who can sympathize?
-Catherine

 

[nicodemus]

Yes, and it can be horribly wrenching. I eventually decided I was going to break it off with her if she didn't convert. I never told her that (as it would be blackmail), but after years, she did it on her own. I don't recommend that route. It is difficult.

One of my best friends just broke up with a girl because of sexual issues. She wants to and he doesn't. End of story.

 

[Amandine]

Thank you Nicodemus. I was hoping someone would have more encouraging words to say, but let's get real. I'm at a loss...I keep hoping things will improve, but will he eventually see our seperation too? Then what? We've been dating for several years and are compatible in other ways, and he is warming up to my faith...but then he says things that freak me out. Dear Lord, give me strength.
-Catherine

 

[nicodemus]

I'm certainly not saying to cut him off or anything like that, I'm just saying if you're going to proceed then "proceed with caution." In terms of yourself and your salvation, you do have look out for you and what's best for you. Encourage those parts in him that are warming up to the faith, but stand strong in yours! (Hopefully that's more encouraging!)

 

[Katty]

I hate to be a downer in all this, but if he can't see where you're coming from spiritually, that should be a red light to the fact that things aren't ok and cannot be just shrugged off. If you proceed, I agree with nicodemus, proceed with caution because this is something that you will ultimately always struggle with eachother if one or the other does not bend. I've been there and I personally don't think that you should ever have to compromise who you are especially on a spiritual note. Its not your job to be his spiritual caretaker in your relationship. Of course we always wish and hope for the best, especially when we love that person, but sometimes under certain circumstances, we can't compromise the things that we believe in no matter how much we love that person. You know in your heart what will work out and what won't. I wish you the best in whatever you decide, but I urge you to pray about it... and accept the answers that are given, whatever they may be.

~Katty~

 

[Pope Gonzo]

I agree with Katty. "Evangelism relationships" (as they've become known here at school), thought incredibly tempting, most always give negative results. Bring him to Christ, then bring him to you

 

[Amandine]

Thanks for your concern and comments everyone. I certainly am not going to leave my loved boyfriend, but I'm am quite concerned about the future. As for "evangelism relationships", I was always worried about that before we got involved but I thought everything would just be okay at the time since I thought we were so right for each other . And as for "bring him to Christ, then bring him to you" it's not like I'm considering a new relationship...this one has be going on for almost three years. (It's like "brought him to me, bringing him to Christ"...if I was, which I don't think I'm doing a very good job at)

I guess my point is... how do I not lose hope? how do I not give up on him in frustration? how do I stay faithful to God without hurting the one I love? how do I put my focus where it needs to be?
-Catherine

 

[Katty]

Thanks for your concern and comments everyone. I certainly am not going to leave my loved boyfriend, but I'm am quite concerned about the future. As for "evangelism relationships", I was always worried about that before we got involved but I thought everything would just be okay at the time since I thought we were so right for each other . And as for "bring him to Christ, then bring him to you" it's not like I'm considering a new relationship...this one has be going on for almost three years. (It's like "brought him to me, bringing him to Christ"...if I was, which I don't think I'm doing a very good job at)

I guess my point is... how do I not lose hope? how do I not give up on him in frustration? how do I stay faithful to God without hurting the one I love? how do I put my focus where it needs to be?
-Catherine

Theres no set answer to your questions, although to the statement:

how do I stay faithful to God without hurting the one I love? how do I put my focus where it needs to be?

You can't have both when it comes to God and something else. He won't stand to be second best. If you've made a commitment to God with your relationship and who you are, God's gonna keep you accountable to that. Don't lead your boyfriend to Christ just because then it would make your relationship in the realm of being "righteous." The length of your relationship shouldn't be a factor in why you should stay together... ever.

I certainly am not going to leave my loved boyfriend, but I'm am quite concerned about the future. As for "evangelism relationships", I was always worried about that before we got involved but I thought everything would just be okay at the time since I thought we were so right for each other .

The whole reason why you're in a committed relationship is to see whether there's a future or not right? Your spiritual walk is not something that you can brush off as, "Well, it'll be ok..." cause even with time, you'll struggle up that mountain of faith and along with it, it'll be strenuous to try to carry someone up with you. If things don't match up now, how do you think it'll look in a couple more years if things stay the same? How much of your spiritual walk are you willing to compromise?

~Katty~

 

[Kepa]

Are any of you involved with someone that isn't religious? I am...I just want to vent. Although he tries to understand where I'm coming from and is accepting of my faith, I think it will be a long time before he will understand the heart of my belief. He still pressures me to be overly sexual even though I don't want to anymore. I don't know what I can do to move in a more spiritual direction when he doesn't understand. I'm worried that I might be tempted to be attracted to other more God-fearing friends, which would be rather hypocritical I think (I couldn't just leave him, nor do I want to!!!) Are there any here who can sympathize?
-Catherine

Dump him.
Here's why, and it's very simple...

He still pressures me to be overly sexual even though I don't want to anymore.

He STILL pressures you to be overly sexual. If he pressured you in the past, this should have been a warning. Now he continues to pressure you. Wake up.
Then...

even though I don't want to anymore.

Anymore? Thus I'm assuming you have been overly sexual in the past and are still in somewhat of a sexual relationship with him because you made the difference between sexual and overly sexual. The Lord says, if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off.
Another reason to dump him. You say you don't want to give up on him. Fine, but that doesn't mean you have to remain in a sexual and intimate relationship with him. There is such a thing as friends.
I was in the same boat as you. Me and my girlfriend were starting to become sexual, and we had been going out 2 years and nearly 6 months. But I knew we had to break up. We were causing each other to sin. It was the only way. We were very very close, I shared everything with her, but, it HAD to be done. Now you two may not remain friends, and you may, but think about where your relationship would go if you would stay with him. Will you be guaranteed of his conversion? And if he does not get converted, will you end up marrying him. Might I bring up my verse for the week in another thread. 2Cor6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
Oh and relating to the above:
Mat5:30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell.
You must remember that as a non-believer he is one of Satan's pawns. As much as you would like to disagree, he is by nature a child of wrath:
Eph2:3 Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others.
And:
John3:36 He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.
I say these things and bring these things up not to dishearten you, but to encourage you to walk in the Lord, to seek after Him, to put Him first in all things. Your boyfriend is like all other non-believers. You must realise that it's not up to you to save him, that's is God's responsibility. It must be this way, because he is the only person with ressurection power. The only person who can bring the dead to life. And that is what he is to God. Realise that you don't need to be his girlfriend, and you don't need him as your boyfriend. God provides what you need. And if it is a matter of wanting him to be saved. Pray, pray, pray that the Lords mercy may be poured upon him, that by his Grace, he will save him through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. You are not required to be his girlfriend in order for this to happen.
I pray for you, that what ever you do, is in God's will, that you will know the knowledge of his will through spiritual understanding and wisdom.
Grace and peace be with you.

 

[LiVingSoUL]

....

 

[Shannonkish]

Are any of you involved with someone that isn't religious? I am...I just want to vent. Although he tries to understand where I'm coming from and is accepting of my faith, I think it will be a long time before he will understand the heart of my belief. He still pressures me to be overly sexual even though I don't want to anymore. I don't know what I can do to move in a more spiritual direction when he doesn't understand. I'm worried that I might be tempted to be attracted to other more God-fearing friends, which would be rather hypocritical I think (I couldn't just leave him, nor do I want to!!!) Are there any here who can sympathize?
-Catherine

This would be one of the top reasons why the Bible says not to be unequally yoked.. because of the hardships it brings.

In marriage, a husband is supposed to be the spiritual head.

I personally couldn't see myself in a relationship with someone that didn't have a better relationship with God than myself.. because as my mate, partner, He will be there to guide me and lift me up when I am going through hard times...

 

[Shannonkish]

PS.. you have to decide what is more important to you... your relationship with Christ, or your relationship with this guy.... I would love to say that you could have both... but in all honesty, you can't.

The Bible talks about being a slave to two masters... it is not possible.. either you are wholly HIS or you aren't.. there is no inbetween or lukewarmness with God.

If you continue in the relationship- your relationship with God WILL suffer.

I used an illustration with my sunday school class once... If you are standing on a chair... it is MUCH harder to pull someone up on the chair with you... BUT it is MUCH MUCH easier for the person standing on the floor to pull you off the chair.

You and your boyfriend are on 2 different plains... you are on a chair, and he is on the ground... You can attempt to pull him up.. but it is more likely that he will pull you down.

So do you want God or do you want your boyfriend? You can't serve two masters... "You can't have your cake and eat it too." (I never understood that cliche)

 

[Kaylynn]

PS.. you have to decide what is more important to you... your relationship with Christ, or your relationship with this guy.... I would love to say that you could have both... but in all honesty, you can't.

The Bible talks about being a slave to two masters... it is not possible.. either you are wholly HIS or you aren't.. there is no inbetween or lukewarmness with God.

If you continue in the relationship- your relationship with God WILL suffer.

I used an illustration with my sunday school class once... If you are standing on a chair... it is MUCH harder to pull someone up on the chair with you... BUT it is MUCH MUCH easier for the person standing on the floor to pull you off the chair.

You and your boyfriend are on 2 different plains... you are on a chair, and he is on the ground... You can attempt to pull him up.. but it is more likely that he will pull you down.

So do you want God or do you want your boyfriend? You can't serve two masters... "You can't have your cake and eat it too." (I never understood that cliche)

Very good! We had that illustration in our sunday school class as well. The bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14

"14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

that goes for dating unbelievers as well. Missionary dating is a very dangerous thing to do and can really put a strenuous pull on your relationship with God. You said it would be hypocritical to leave him....but if you stayed with him you'd be disobeying his order in 2 Corinthians 6:14.

Don't make compromises on your faith...I would break it off....if one day down the road, he cries out to God for salvation and becomes a Christian....then maybe pursue a relationship with him if you still feel you want to. But for now, ya'll are not on the same level plain spiritually, as said before, it's going to be a lot harder (almost impossible if you actually do the whole stand on a chair and try to pull someone on the ground up onto the chair with you with no help from that person) for you to pull him up to your level. It is more likely that you will just get pulled down. And I don't know about you, but my goal is to strive to be closer....as close as I can possibly get....to my Father God....and anything that will try pulling me away from him, needs to be let go.

 

[vibrant]

"You can't have your cake and eat it too." (I never understood that cliche)


reverse it -- you can't eat your cake and still have it (as though you hadn't eaten it). ie. you can't do opposite things simultaneously.

 

[Shannonkish]

Thanks for the explanation.. I gave you some rep points

 

[Tenorvoice]

the Bible teaches us that we are NOT TO be UNEAQUALY YOKED ...case in point...if your were saved after you were married then you are to stay in the realtionship if the other person is willing to stay. But in the case of a single person then they are not even supposed to look to the LOST for a future mate. and that is what we are doing when we are "dating" we are supposed to be looking for that ONE the God has planed for us and they are going to be one of HIS children. not one of the devils (lost) people.

so my advice to you is to get out of that relationship FAST run if you have to. and never look back.

Peace be with you sister

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

As somebody who is married with several children to an unbeliever (one who is extremely supportive of my faith, of me teaching our children my faith, of using Natural family planning [one of those no-contraception Catholic things], of having religious artwork and reminders all over the house)--- it is EXCRUTIATING!! The man with whom I am one flesh- doesn't acknowledge the Head of our marriage. We can't pray together. I can talk to him about my faith, but we can't share in our faith.

The whole purpose of dating someone is to see if they are the RIGHT person to marry. If this fellow is not who you will marry, it would be kinder and easier to both of you to break up now. It puts you in a near occassion of sin every time you are together, if he is wanting to be sexual, and also in general if he doesn't share your values.

Jesus asks us to unite our with with His. Not to be attatched to our emotional perceptions of situations- but to seek out His will. Pray that His will be made manifest in this situation. I often pray to my Daddy asking Him to show His little daughter very clearly and tell Him He might have to tell me a few times- so I can get it right and to make sure I understand....

God Bless! This is a really a difficult position to be in....

 

[Rosa Mystica]

Catherine,

I'm going to be honest w/ you on several fronts here. Please bear w/ me. First of all, I think that Shannon M. made some very excellent points in her testimony of being married to an unbeliever. You should consider what she said very closely, as she is experienced in this area. Secondly, while the Catholic Church does not forbid dating/marrying non-Catholics, she strongly discourages it. Although you're only 18, you have to think ahead to a potential marriage. What would it be like after you had kids? What if they asked, "Why doesn't Daddy believe in God?" Would you be prepared to answer this question? Also, would you really be happy in a marriage to someone who you cannot share your faith life w/? Are you prepared to make such a sacrifice?

Now for more bluntness. Let's face the ugly truth here: society as a whole does not have much tolerance for what Catholicism truly teaches. Sadly, this also includes many Catholics. As a general rule (though exceptions do exist), a lot of non-Catholics have one heck of a time accepting our doctrines and teachings (especially when it comes to stuff like contraception and other sexual teachings- man is that ever a point of contention these days. ). You mentioned that your significant other is pressuring you to do sexual things w/ him- and it's making you unhappy. Catherine, this is a common occurance when one dates non-religious (lust is so important, for some reason ). I'm sorry, but it's true. This is the reason why I won't touch atheists/agnostics w/ a ten foot pole.

Now for a personal experience story. Last spring, I was considering entering into a relationship w/ a self-proclamed "devout Catholic." As I got to know him, however, I found that he wasn't so devout after all. He spoke in favour of contraception and population control. Also, he led me into sin by encouraging me to tell obscene jokes for fun, and tortured me w/ countless stories about watching porn, going to the strip club , and tales of indecent acts w/ his ex. Needless to say, I did not get involved w/ this guy, despite sameness of religion.

If I were you Catherine, I'd get out of this relationship, and only date guys who are Catholics in the truest sense of the word. You deserve to be w/ someone who will help you get to Heaven, not someone who will drag you down to Hell w/ them. Yes, this type of guy is hard to find, but such individuals do exist. And, you'd be maximizing your chances of happiness in a relationship if you waited for such a partner (it's an exercise in patience, but well worth it). Isn't ultimate happiness the ultimate end here?

Just a thought. In the end, it's your decision, but this is what I recommend. I'm four years your senior and have never been romantically involved ever. However, I'm aiming for ultimate happiness, and if it's in His will, God will help me to find the right person.

 

[MariaRegina]

Dear Catherine:

Perhaps now that you're just dating, you may think things can work out... that somehow love will cover everything.

If you do get married and have kids, then it will become very difficult. What about Baptims? Are you really involved with the Church?

When you have children, many husbands feel that they are receiving less attention .. sometimes they get kind of jealous. Then if you are active in the church, it will be just bring on more problems, like he will feel ignored. That you somehow perfer God to him.

I just finished a Family and Marriage course at my university. We talked about these issues. My instructor is a devout Catholic with 6 girls. He said that religion is very important. If you cannot pray to the same God it puts a stress on the marriage.

Marriage is like the Holy Trinity. It's you, your husband and God making up a trinity of love. With God out of the picture, the love doesn't circulate, the circle of love is broken.

You cannot listen to your heart ... you must pray and listen to God. Tell our boyfriend what God means to you. Maybe he'll convert ... my husband did. I witnessed to him ... then he witnessed to me and renewed my faith. It works both ways.

God bless and my prayers,
Elizabeth

P.S. Sometimes the Eastern Rite appeals to men more than the Latin Rite. Give it a try.
There is something about Eastern Orthodoxy and Eastern Catholicism that it's more of a man's thing. Perhaps the food! Can't beat Middle Eastern and Greek Cuisine. Perhaps it's the asceticism - military style regimen. I think it has to do with appealing to all the senses with less emotionalism. The Divine Liturgy hasn't changed much since 400 AD. Stability appeals to men.

Hope this helps.
Elizabeth

 

[Amandine]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm going to respond to you all (especially the pms) tomorrow, when I've had a good nights sleep!
-Catherine