RelationshipAge difference - looking for advice from those with age gap marriage

[searchingheart]

Hello everyone,

I am looking for advice on something. I'm currently in a relationship with someone quite a bit younger than myself (I'm the older woman in the relationship). The relationship is wonderful and our families and friends are supportive and see no reason the age gap should matter. However, I am unclear on how I might deal with some of the feelings I have about noticing being older in some areas of life, and have concerns about what the future would look like... will we grow apart, will the age difference become easier/harder, etc.

I would love to be in touch with anyone who has a significant age difference in their marriage (let's say 7+ years), especially if the woman is older, to hear advice and experience and wisdom. I want to be careful moving forward in this relationship and make sure I understand what the implications are.

Thank you!

 

[DZoolander]

How old are you, and what's the age difference?

 

[searchingheart]

Would it be alright if I divulged that only to those who are, themselves, in a successful age gap marriage? I am not looking for general "is this okay/not okay" advice, but rather for practical hands-on insight from those who have experienced it.

 

[abysmul]

My fiancee is 11 years younger. We both agree, that earlier in life for us the age gap would possibly have been an issue, but as we now share a lot of common life experiences we don't feel the age gap. Our friends and family all support us. In my limited experience with folks married and with a sizable age difference, it seems to be most successful when both people are older (not young kids).

 

[DZoolander]

Of course

I was only asking, not because I have experience with some great age difference, but rather because of trends that I've seen/have observed.

Generally speaking - the greater the age difference where the woman is older - the less likely it is to survive over a prolonged period of time. That's offset by how attractive/unattractive the guy is. In other words - a much older woman can reasonably be sure of a guy's fidelity when he's kinda ugly than she would be if he were really attractive.

At some point - the age difference will become an issue if it's too drastic. Like, if a 25 year old guy is dating a 40 year old woman - that might be cool and all for him because he thinks he's dating a MILF/Cougar. But when he's 35 and she's 50, it might start becoming more problematic. Now he's dating a senior citizen, and he's not one. If, however, he thinks he can't get anything else, he's more likely to stay though. He'll remain about as faithful as his options allow.

 

[searchingheart]

Thank you for your thoughts, ezoolander. This is the kind of information that is general, which I have already processed on the internet, the general factual stuff. That's why I want to talk to someone with experience. =)

 

[searchingheart]

My fiancee is 11 years younger. We both agree, that earlier in life for us the age gap would possibly have been an issue, but as we now share a lot of common life experiences we don't feel the age gap. Our friends and family all support us. In my limited experience with folks married and with a sizable age difference, it seems to be most successful when both people are older (not young kids).

Thanks, abysmul, that's the trend I've been seeing, and usually the man being older is the norm. =) Have you personally had any experience noticing areas where you felt your fiance was younger than you (knowledge, life approach, experience)?

 

[DZoolander]

Are we expanding the discussion to include where men are a bit older as well - or keeping it confined to original question which had to do with the unique nature of the woman being significantly older?

 

[searchingheart]

I would like to focus the discussion on those that are in age gap marriages themselves who have at least 7+ years between them. I'm looking for actual experience, not theory or general advice, but rather input from those with marriages with age gaps. Gender of the older partner is not my primary concern, though hearing from women would be especially helpful.

 

[keith99]

Deleted

 

[DZoolander]

Ahhh - well if we're including the older man->younger woman dynamic...I've dated women there were a bit younger than myself.

I'm the kind of person that likes to talk about nostalgic things, experiences growing up, etc...and finds common bonds in those types of shared experience. When I was dating, I found too big of an age difference was problematic with that and I'd lose interest in the woman really quickly.

Like, say I met a woman who wasn't old enough to clearly remember Clinton being in office...or was in the 2nd grade when 2001 happened (after all - they'd be about 21 years old now). I'd really have a hard time finding stuff to talk about with her that I found interesting.

So - big age differences for me were primarily an impediment to the relationship getting off the ground (as in me taking them seriously). I'd, instead, usually end up taking more of a guidance-counselor type role...where I'd ask them about their college career path, their real career path, etc...and start advising them. Not really something I'd want to do with a spouse, though.

It sounds like you're not really worried about that though - since you're past that stage and actually engaged. In such a scenario - given that your fiance already loves you - the best advice is to just keep doing whatever you're doing. It's working so far.

 

[Messy]

It's dependant of how mature you both are. My ex was 12 years older and thought I was too childish, so my next ex was 17 years younger and that wasn't a good idea. My sister said when I married: Oh that's nice, she has another kid. It was true, I knew then how it had been for my first ex who had to play the daddy, now I could be the mommy. But my uncle's wife is 25 years younger and they're happily married. It totally depends on the persons I think.

 

[searchingheart]

Both of us are considered very mature, though he is more mature for his age, and I'm less for mine. Hence, why we tend to meet well in the middle.

Messy-if you don't mind sharing, what made you feel like you were the parent in the relationship? You can PM me if that's more comfortable.

 

[Messy]

Both of us are considered very mature, though he is more mature for his age, and I'm less for mine. Hence, why we tend to meet well in the middle.

Messy-if you don't mind sharing, what made you feel like you were the parent in the relationship? You can PM me if that's more comfortable.

He didn't clean up after himself, no job, playing WOW all day long, didn't help with the kids at all, went to his friend to hang out all the time and LOL when I came home from my work he was shouting through his headphones to him because they were playing a game. Well finally because he wanted to eat decent he found a job, LOL but he expected me to pay the rent and everything and that was his money he could buy nice electronic stuff and xboxes for himself for. He was just a kid, I don't blame him, but it was very annoying at the time.

 

[searchingheart]

OH wow, you poor thing. I can only imagine that was not a relationship that nurtured you!!!

No dynamics like that are present in my relationship. We are both responsible, equal partners. In many areas, he is more spiritually mature than myself, and has challenged me to grow in immeasurable ways.

I just get to feeling weird when I 'know' more about some areas of life, like history or facts or just generally experiences. Sometimes he'll say something and I'll think, "and I can add x number of years to that knowledge... yikes!" But those are the only age differences that present... not immature actions or lifestyles.

Thanks for sharing, messy. I hope you have found people in your life to love you for you, not for being taken care of by you!!!

 

[abysmul]

Thanks, abysmul, that's the trend I've been seeing, and usually the man being older is the norm. =) Have you personally had any experience noticing areas where you felt your fiance was younger than you (knowledge, life approach, experience)?

FYI: we've been together for 3 years, his March, we hope to get a house together and marry this year. That being said... the things we've noticed so far are trivial things like music and TV show knowledge/experience. Nothing that was a problem. Again, this is because we're older and have very similar life experience (length of time employed at the same job, divorce and the types of people our X's are, raising kid/s as a single parent, etc. etc.). We're fond of noting that we are who we are, partially because of what we've been through... and that has helped bring us as close as we are.

 

[abysmul]

Both of us are considered very mature, though he is more mature for his age, and I'm less for mine. Hence, why we tend to meet well in the middle.

Messy-if you don't mind sharing, what made you feel like you were the parent in the relationship? You can PM me if that's more comfortable.

Mature, and real life age and experience in life are two totally different things.

 

[searchingheart]

FYI: we've been together for 3 years, his March, we hope to get a house together and marry this year. That being said... the things we've noticed so far are trivial things like music and TV show knowledge/experience. Nothing that was a problem. Again, this is because we're older and have very similar life experience (length of time employed at the same job, divorce and the types of people our X's are, raising kid/s as a single parent, etc. etc.). We're fond of noting that we are who we are, partially because of what we've been through... and that has helped bring us as close as we are.

Thanks, abysmul. Yes, there are no problems present in my relationship. We meet on fairly equal ground. I have more "job" experience under my belt, but spent a good amount of time in a career direction I didn't like, so I'm starting over in a new field, which levels our playing fields downwards somewhat.

The only thing I ever worry about is that sense of knowing more than he does about certain things. I do have more life experience. He has wisdom, a solid character, commitment in spades, and we have a very supportive community around us, none of whom have said they see any disconnect in who we are with each other (and believe me, we have asked!!! I thought for sure my conservative parents would object, but they said they didn't even notice an age difference given who we both are!) So, it's not current experience I'm worried about - we get along great. It's the future... it's concerns about growing into different life stages and worries about that gap feeling larger in later years instead of smaller...

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

This is just a general statement and not pointed to anyone so I hope it doesn't offend. My wife is from the Philippines and we are 4 years apart in age. But one major problem I see with other American/Filipino marriages is the MASSIVE age gap. The girls are 18-24 and usually the guy is in his 60s, 70s and even 80s.

Now from what I seen about 70% of the men married for bad reasons. Such as the man wants a young "sexy" young wife who they can "love" buy giving them money. And one that in their words is there sex toy. Just as about 50% of the women married the men because they have money. Or have fell into the american mans web of lies about how honest and loving they are.

Those who are not part of those groups do seem to marry out of genuine love and while I think thats fine. I think all people should consider what a massive age gap means for the younger persons future. For example some women dream of marrying, having kids and growing old with their husband. What they don't think about is the fact that their older husband will die WAY before the wife reaches the husbands age.

I seen many woman posting on facebook about how they wish they would have though of the long term future with their husband (who is now deceased). Because usually they are left with not much because the mans previous wives and kids get first dibs on everything. In other cases the husband becomes a totally different person once the wife arrives here in america. Physical, mental and emotional abuse starts and the wife to afraid to do anything to leave (even though by law she has the right to go back home from abuse).

So to me when I see 70 year old marry a 20 year old woman I just shake my head in disbelief. The woman always get warned about these type of marriages. Theres even a special class they must take in order to marry (they have to pass the class). But like many people who want to get married they say things like "It may have happen to someone else, but our marriage will be different!".

To me its immature, immoral and unethical to have such a age gap between you. It means you really don't love her if you know full well you will die within a few years and break her heart and her dreams. And sadly the women of the country are often to naive and think all american men are honest, loving and would never hurt them. BTW obviously not all men are like that of course. But the men they tend to marry are.

But in the end we are all adults and if people want to go down whats likely a bad path then thats between them, their spouse and God. So far most of our friends who are married to filipinos have an age gap of maybe 2 years up to about 25 years. Which isn't to bad really. The men genuinely love their wives and vica versa. Sorry to rant about this.

I'd like to add to the general conversation that I say if your under 25 and want to marry (no matter if the person you marry is 25 or 79). You should wait until 25. Because studies have shown are brains aren't fully mature until then. That is our long term thinking doesn't really work well right away. Hence why as teens and young adults we only think short term and make many mistakes. So often people don't notice the red flags about not marrying a certain person or they brush the red flags off and say things like "Eh, he/she will change!", "I can change them!", "My marriage will still be fine!"...etc

 

[searchingheart]

I would have to say that a 50 year age gap certainly is troubling and not at all where I was attempting to aim the conversation.