Hi everyone,
This is my first post on Christian Forums so I wanted to say hello first of all before I ask you for some advice and your prayers.
For the sake of all of you having to read about my situation; I have tried to keep it as short as possible. I realise this is still going to be a very long post, but I would appreciate your thoughts and advice…
I have been seeing a non-Christian girl for nearly 5 months. When we met, I guess I was feeling lonely and wanted someone to be there for me. I knew it would be wrong to commit to a relationship like this, but at the time was struggling in my walk with the Lord. (My girlfriend didn’t know about my faith when we first met.)
When we started seeing each other I slowly began to backslide further (drinking with her, going to clubs, my language began to deteriorate etc and we also started sleeping together.)
At times she could be very affectionate, and kind. She has also been through a lot… (she is 25). Her father left her and her mother as a teenager. She has also suffered from eating disorders/has a low self esteem. I really felt sorry for her and I think part of me wanted to be with her to help her.
I soon began to find out however, that she had a very selfish side to her. She seemed to want her own way all the time, and was stubborn. There were quite a few things in her personality I began to dislike and made me wonder if this was the type of girl I should be with and can possibly marry. She would get very angry at times when things didn’t go right for her/didn’t get her own way. She would often talk to me like I was a child and speak to me in a bad way. The more time I spent with her I saw things I didn’t like…
However, as strange as it sounds, we did start getting a lot closer as a couple. We spent every night together. Either she would sleep over my house or I would stay over hers. We talked a lot and shared a lot of things together. We talked about getting engaged.
There were a few things that she has done though in this time that have really upset me and I have recently got to the stage that I don’t feel the way I used to about her…
She went to the cinema with her ex-boyfriend (without letting me know) while I went away for the night with a friend of mine (I owed him a favour and went with him for company). She wanted me to stay with her. I said I felt I should go. She told me she was planning on having a night in been as I was gone. When I couldn’t reach her she text me to say she had gone there with him and even back to his place to pick up something he borrowed. When I told her how upset I was she didn’t see the problem as they were “just friends”.
I booked a meal for us at an Italian place as it was 2months since we first started seeing each other. Afterwards I would take her, just the 2 of us to the place where we first met. To cut a long story short, after spotting her ex-boyfriend drive past; she called him up and she told him we would meet up with him and his friends to “catch up” for a drink. She spent most of the rest of the night talking to him. When we got home I told her I was upset (she was then “too tired” to go for the drive we had originally planned) and she told me “I don’t know what your problem is as it wasn’t like it was as important as our 1yr anniversary or anything”. She never did apologise the next day either.
She also has talked to many random guys off the net on MSN. There have been at least 4 guys who have made inappropriate comments to her (knowing she is with me) about meeting up for “fun” or “jumping into bed” with her. Now she has never encouraged any of them but has never told them to stop saying stuff like that or deleted them. When I told her about this she told me “I never seem to be able to do anything right” (in reference to going to the cinema with her ex)…
She eventually understood how I felt about everything and was upset because she thought she would “lose me”…..
Yet a few days later the same thing happened on MSN with another guy. Again, she tried to pass it off by saying to him “my boyfriend wouldn’t be happy”…
This last incident happened about a month ago. I found the conversation stored on my laptop (my MSN automatically keeps a record of conversations). I didn’t bring the subject up with her as it had been discussed only a few days before.
I realised that as time went on that I needed to make a decision about our future. I just felt as if I didn’t have the same feelings about her as I once did. Perhaps the emotions of spending so much time together and the fact we had been sleeping together clouded my judgement and made me think I felt something for her when maybe I just wanted to walk away.
I eventually told her how I felt a few days ago. She was extremely upset. She said she couldn’t believe I was doing this over the fact that she had those conversations on MSN. She even denied them at first until I said I had seen them. She was also upset when I explained that I was a “born again” Christian and felt that the relationship from this point of view was wrong (I had told her I was a Christian and she knew I was studying for a Biblical Diploma for a good few weeks). She said she couldn’t believe I would “dump her for a stupid book”. I could understand her reason for being upset, as she didn’t realise that the Bible speaks of the relationship we have as being wrong (sex before marriage, drinking, clubbing, staying over each others place every night in the same bed).
She threatened to kill herself if I left her as she wouldn’t have anything to live for. She also said that it would have been my fault if she did (“I would have that on my conscience when I had to visit her grave”
. She has now said that she didn’t really mean it as she was just angry (which makes me think who would say something like that?)
As you could imagine I was extremely upset when she said this and felt I should at least try and calm her down as she felt all of this had come as a shock. She said she would do ANYTHING for us to stay together (see the next paragraph)…I agreed that we should “take a break” from each other like she asked for. She said she didn’t want to lose me and if we did this at least we had a chance of working things out. Been as she threatened to kill herself; I felt at least if we did have some times apart, then the shock wouldn’t make her do anything stupid. We went back in and had a meal together as she didn’t want to be left alone.
Later that evening, she tried explaining that she was a Christian and believed in God. I told her how you really become a “born again” Christian, and she seemed interested and said that is what she agrees with as-well (I am not totally sure if she said this so that I would stay with her???) Eventually we prayed together and she said she meant what she said (accepted Jesus as her saviour)…The reason I have doubts is that when I have mentioned things about my course before she has said that she believes in “heaven and hell and in God” but not in “all this other rubbish” as you “don’t have to go to church to be a Christian”…
She now wants to go to church but still is confused about many issues. Since this all happened, she has tried to be as nice to me as possible. She has behaved totally different towards me. She is not selfish or moody; yet I still feel like I have doubts…Not only about if she really meant what she prayed (just to satisfy me as only a few days ago she showed no interest in my faith as I believed in)…but also I still have doubts that I still want to be with her. I still think there may be problems down the road and don’t feel the same way as she still does.
Now I feel like I am in a really difficult situation. She said she really meant what she did the other day (accepting Jesus as her saviour), and that she really didn’t think about what she has done in the past and never meant me to get hurt (“I do things without thinking”… I have told her I have forgiven her, yet I feel that too much has gone on and it would be best if we didn’t have a relationship. She has said that if we did split up…She couldn’t be friends with me as it would hurt her too much to see me with someone else in the future…
So if I do end things with her…this would mean she wouldn’t want to see me anymore and because of this I wouldn’t be able to take her to church/ help her to “grow” (that is if she really meant what she said).
I feel so awful about the whole situation. I know how upset she has been. I know I was wrong to go out with her in the first place. I realise now God has shown me in so many ways that I should have gotten out of the relationship before now. I really do care for her (and her spiritual state), but I think that possibly the emotions that go with what we have done has clouded my judgement.
I haven’t eaten for days properly, or slept. I feel like if I still have doubts now…..That I should end things as it seems the whole relationship has been destructive to my walk with the Lord.
Please could you give me some advice as to what you would do in my situation. I know it sounds like I have already answered my questions for myself, but need some friends to talk to…That’s where hopefully, you guys can be there for me and pray for me???
God Bless.
This is my first post on Christian Forums so I wanted to say hello first of all before I ask you for some advice and your prayers.
For the sake of all of you having to read about my situation; I have tried to keep it as short as possible. I realise this is still going to be a very long post, but I would appreciate your thoughts and advice…
I have been seeing a non-Christian girl for nearly 5 months. When we met, I guess I was feeling lonely and wanted someone to be there for me. I knew it would be wrong to commit to a relationship like this, but at the time was struggling in my walk with the Lord. (My girlfriend didn’t know about my faith when we first met.)
When we started seeing each other I slowly began to backslide further (drinking with her, going to clubs, my language began to deteriorate etc and we also started sleeping together.)
At times she could be very affectionate, and kind. She has also been through a lot… (she is 25). Her father left her and her mother as a teenager. She has also suffered from eating disorders/has a low self esteem. I really felt sorry for her and I think part of me wanted to be with her to help her.
I soon began to find out however, that she had a very selfish side to her. She seemed to want her own way all the time, and was stubborn. There were quite a few things in her personality I began to dislike and made me wonder if this was the type of girl I should be with and can possibly marry. She would get very angry at times when things didn’t go right for her/didn’t get her own way. She would often talk to me like I was a child and speak to me in a bad way. The more time I spent with her I saw things I didn’t like…
However, as strange as it sounds, we did start getting a lot closer as a couple. We spent every night together. Either she would sleep over my house or I would stay over hers. We talked a lot and shared a lot of things together. We talked about getting engaged.
There were a few things that she has done though in this time that have really upset me and I have recently got to the stage that I don’t feel the way I used to about her…
She went to the cinema with her ex-boyfriend (without letting me know) while I went away for the night with a friend of mine (I owed him a favour and went with him for company). She wanted me to stay with her. I said I felt I should go. She told me she was planning on having a night in been as I was gone. When I couldn’t reach her she text me to say she had gone there with him and even back to his place to pick up something he borrowed. When I told her how upset I was she didn’t see the problem as they were “just friends”.
I booked a meal for us at an Italian place as it was 2months since we first started seeing each other. Afterwards I would take her, just the 2 of us to the place where we first met. To cut a long story short, after spotting her ex-boyfriend drive past; she called him up and she told him we would meet up with him and his friends to “catch up” for a drink. She spent most of the rest of the night talking to him. When we got home I told her I was upset (she was then “too tired” to go for the drive we had originally planned) and she told me “I don’t know what your problem is as it wasn’t like it was as important as our 1yr anniversary or anything”. She never did apologise the next day either.
She also has talked to many random guys off the net on MSN. There have been at least 4 guys who have made inappropriate comments to her (knowing she is with me) about meeting up for “fun” or “jumping into bed” with her. Now she has never encouraged any of them but has never told them to stop saying stuff like that or deleted them. When I told her about this she told me “I never seem to be able to do anything right” (in reference to going to the cinema with her ex)…
She eventually understood how I felt about everything and was upset because she thought she would “lose me”…..
Yet a few days later the same thing happened on MSN with another guy. Again, she tried to pass it off by saying to him “my boyfriend wouldn’t be happy”…
This last incident happened about a month ago. I found the conversation stored on my laptop (my MSN automatically keeps a record of conversations). I didn’t bring the subject up with her as it had been discussed only a few days before.
I realised that as time went on that I needed to make a decision about our future. I just felt as if I didn’t have the same feelings about her as I once did. Perhaps the emotions of spending so much time together and the fact we had been sleeping together clouded my judgement and made me think I felt something for her when maybe I just wanted to walk away.
I eventually told her how I felt a few days ago. She was extremely upset. She said she couldn’t believe I was doing this over the fact that she had those conversations on MSN. She even denied them at first until I said I had seen them. She was also upset when I explained that I was a “born again” Christian and felt that the relationship from this point of view was wrong (I had told her I was a Christian and she knew I was studying for a Biblical Diploma for a good few weeks). She said she couldn’t believe I would “dump her for a stupid book”. I could understand her reason for being upset, as she didn’t realise that the Bible speaks of the relationship we have as being wrong (sex before marriage, drinking, clubbing, staying over each others place every night in the same bed).
She threatened to kill herself if I left her as she wouldn’t have anything to live for. She also said that it would have been my fault if she did (“I would have that on my conscience when I had to visit her grave”
. She has now said that she didn’t really mean it as she was just angry (which makes me think who would say something like that?)As you could imagine I was extremely upset when she said this and felt I should at least try and calm her down as she felt all of this had come as a shock. She said she would do ANYTHING for us to stay together (see the next paragraph)…I agreed that we should “take a break” from each other like she asked for. She said she didn’t want to lose me and if we did this at least we had a chance of working things out. Been as she threatened to kill herself; I felt at least if we did have some times apart, then the shock wouldn’t make her do anything stupid. We went back in and had a meal together as she didn’t want to be left alone.
Later that evening, she tried explaining that she was a Christian and believed in God. I told her how you really become a “born again” Christian, and she seemed interested and said that is what she agrees with as-well (I am not totally sure if she said this so that I would stay with her???) Eventually we prayed together and she said she meant what she said (accepted Jesus as her saviour)…The reason I have doubts is that when I have mentioned things about my course before she has said that she believes in “heaven and hell and in God” but not in “all this other rubbish” as you “don’t have to go to church to be a Christian”…
She now wants to go to church but still is confused about many issues. Since this all happened, she has tried to be as nice to me as possible. She has behaved totally different towards me. She is not selfish or moody; yet I still feel like I have doubts…Not only about if she really meant what she prayed (just to satisfy me as only a few days ago she showed no interest in my faith as I believed in)…but also I still have doubts that I still want to be with her. I still think there may be problems down the road and don’t feel the same way as she still does.
Now I feel like I am in a really difficult situation. She said she really meant what she did the other day (accepting Jesus as her saviour), and that she really didn’t think about what she has done in the past and never meant me to get hurt (“I do things without thinking”
… I have told her I have forgiven her, yet I feel that too much has gone on and it would be best if we didn’t have a relationship. She has said that if we did split up…She couldn’t be friends with me as it would hurt her too much to see me with someone else in the future…So if I do end things with her…this would mean she wouldn’t want to see me anymore and because of this I wouldn’t be able to take her to church/ help her to “grow” (that is if she really meant what she said).
I feel so awful about the whole situation. I know how upset she has been. I know I was wrong to go out with her in the first place. I realise now God has shown me in so many ways that I should have gotten out of the relationship before now. I really do care for her (and her spiritual state), but I think that possibly the emotions that go with what we have done has clouded my judgement.
I haven’t eaten for days properly, or slept. I feel like if I still have doubts now…..That I should end things as it seems the whole relationship has been destructive to my walk with the Lord.
Please could you give me some advice as to what you would do in my situation. I know it sounds like I have already answered my questions for myself, but need some friends to talk to…That’s where hopefully, you guys can be there for me and pray for me???
God Bless.
