Relationship help

[Jennybean]

I am struggling in this relationship and need advice. I’ve been married for 16 years to my now husband, we got married after having our first child at age 18 for me. For years he’s controlled me, disrespected me and withheld marital affection from me. By this I mean- I wasn’t allowed to drive, have friends, go anywhere alone, etc... he’d control everything I did. He judged me on being goofy with my daughter in public and criticize me constantly for how I say things or things that I liked. It drove me into a deep depression for years. I tried to change myself to please him, be what he wanted me to be but nothing worked.
4 years ago I met someone who really helped me. He always supported me and tried to help me get through my difficulties. He’s became my best friend. But when my husband found out he threw a fit. Once again telling me I’m not allowed to talk to him. After that I’d taking all I could and separated. Having to return due to losing my job.
I’ve fallen in love with my friend and he loves me too. God used me to bring him salvation. We read the Bible together and pray on the phone. I feel like God has brought us to each other. I must say also that we’ve never had sex and we’ve both agreed to wait till we’re married. I want to be with him and have a happy marriage built on Christ. Yet I’m so confused by scripture. Between Deuteronomy, Matthew and 1 Corinthians... I know it says what God has joined together let no man separate but I also know that all unions are joined by God. I appreciate help in this issue, I have prayed and searched scripture for the past year over this. Please help

 

[ripple the car]

Stay with your husband.

He's your husband.

Forming emotionally intense friendships with the opposite sex is rarely if ever a good idea for a married person.

And yes, a Christian divorcing a Christian and remarrying is adultery.

 

[ToBeLoved]

This is a very difficult situation.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

You and your husband be in the wrong and each of you need to repent
and work on honoring: God, His Word, marriage and each other.
I recommend christian counseling and each of you working on your
individual issues.

 

[JCFantasy23]

Very difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're going through this. To me it sounds like your husband is abusive with verbal and controlling and has not honored the marriage. When you say you separated, how long has it been?

 

[faroukfarouk]

I am struggling in this relationship and need advice. I’ve been married for 16 years to my now husband, we got married after having our first child at age 18 for me. For years he’s controlled me, disrespected me and withheld marital affection from me. By this I mean- I wasn’t allowed to drive, have friends, go anywhere alone, etc... he’d control everything I did. He judged me on being goofy with my daughter in public and criticize me constantly for how I say things or things that I liked. It drove me into a deep depression for years. I tried to change myself to please him, be what he wanted me to be but nothing worked.
4 years ago I met someone who really helped me. He always supported me and tried to help me get through my difficulties. He’s became my best friend. But when my husband found out he threw a fit. Once again telling me I’m not allowed to talk to him. After that I’d taking all I could and separated. Having to return due to losing my job.
I’ve fallen in love with my friend and he loves me too. God used me to bring him salvation. We read the Bible together and pray on the phone. I feel like God has brought us to each other. I must say also that we’ve never had sex and we’ve both agreed to wait till we’re married. I want to be with him and have a happy marriage built on Christ. Yet I’m so confused by scripture. Between Deuteronomy, Matthew and 1 Corinthians... I know it says what God has joined together let no man separate but I also know that all unions are joined by God. I appreciate help in this issue, I have prayed and searched scripture for the past year over this. Please help

Hi; it's good for Scripture to be one's guide by faith rather than a source to find a supposed excuse to do what one wants to do. Romans 7 and 1 Cor. 7 are clear. By His grace, God is able to help you obey the Word; God is also able to restore hearts and change attitudes: this is what you wish for, is it not?

 

[faroukfarouk]

Stay with your husband.

He's your husband.

Forming emotionally intense friendships with the opposite sex is rarely if ever a good idea for a married person.

And yes, a Christian divorcing a Christian and remarrying is adultery.

Good advice.

 

[Jennybean]

Very difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're going through this. To me it sounds like your husband is abusive with verbal and controlling and has not honored the marriage. When you say you separated, how long has it been?

My husband is mentally abusive, even my daughter ask me why I stay. I separated for about 7 months from him but due to financial issues I came back. My children’s needs were more important to me

 

[Jennybean]

Stay with your husband.

He's your husband.

Forming emotionally intense friendships with the opposite sex is rarely if ever a good idea for a married person.

And yes, a Christian divorcing a Christian and remarrying is adultery.

I never said my husband was a Christian. He Wont share in my relationship with God, I’ve tried. And I have to disagree with opposite sex friendships, I was raised as the only girl in a neighborhood full of boys. All my friends throughout my life the majority of which were boys. It doesn’t mean I have any sexual desire of feelings twords them in a romantic matter. I merely see them as a human being. We as Christians shouldn’t discriminate sex to share the word and love of God

 

[Jennybean]

Hi; it's good for Scripture to be one's guide by faith rather than a source to find a supposed excuse to do what one wants to do. Romans 7 and 1 Cor. 7 are clear. By His grace, God is able to help you obey the Word; God is also able to restore hearts and change attitudes: this is what you wish for, is it not?

I agree that God is able. I’ve been trying and struggling to serve the Lord with everything I have. He’s changed me and that’s why I came here to ask advice other than act on my own will. I can not fulling explain to you to trams I’ve experienced in this marriage being mentally abused for so long. At one point I was suicidal and prayer and begged God to free me. That’s when I met my friend who helped me get through it

 

[Jennybean]

You and your husband be in the wrong and each of you need to repent
and work on honoring: God, His Word, marriage and each other.
I recommend christian counseling and each of you working on your
individual issues.

I have repented, I serve the Lord, read his word,watch sermons, pray... I try every day. But he won’t change, I’ve asked. That’s why I’m struggling so much. I’ve done everything I know to do to fix this marriage but I was to only one trying. I don’t know what else to do

 

[JCFantasy23]

I'm sorry but I'm not sure on advice to give. If you are not leaving him and he refuses to change and is not a Christian, does he at least see he has issues he needs to work on? I'm guessing not from what you've said so far. We can't force people to change, but if they don't, then we either have to stay with them or leave and accept them the way they are - and they are not always a positive influence for us.

 

[Jennybean]

I'm sorry but I'm not sure on advice to give. If you are not leaving him and he refuses to change and is not a Christian, does he at least see he has issues he needs to work on? I'm guessing not from what you've said so far. We can't force people to change, but if they don't, then we either have to stay with them or leave and accept them the way they are - and they are not always a positive influence for us.

He always apologizes for mistreating me but after a few days goes back to doing to same thing. He says he’ll change but everything stays the same. I want to leave but everyone tells me it’s wrong. I’m so depressed and I’m sick of living this way. I try to keep faith and rely on God to get me through it but the pain remains

 

[JCFantasy23]

He always apologizes for mistreating me but after a few days goes back to doing to same thing. He says he’ll change but everything stays the same. I want to leave but everyone tells me it’s wrong. I’m so depressed and I’m sick of living this way. I try to keep faith and rely on God to get me through it but the pain remains

Sadly that's the way abusers work - they act sorry and they say they are sorry, but they repeat the cycle of abuse eventually. I know it's stressful especially with financial issues not helping you, but staying in abusive situations chips away at the person's confidence, drains their joy, and tarnishes their very being - eventually spiritually as well. I will send up a prayer for you - I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with all this.

 

[Jennybean]

Sadly that's the way abusers work - they act sorry and they say they are sorry, but they repeat the cycle of abuse eventually. I know it's stressful especially with financial issues not helping you, but staying in abusive situations chips away at the person's confidence, drains their joy, and tarnishes their very being - eventually spiritually as well. I will send up a prayer for you - I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with all this.

That’s exactly how I feel. Thank you so much, I appreciate your prayers and kind words to me

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I am struggling in this relationship and need advice. I’ve been married for 16 years to my now husband, we got married after having our first child at age 18 for me. For years he’s controlled me, disrespected me and withheld marital affection from me. By this I mean- I wasn’t allowed to drive, have friends, go anywhere alone, etc... he’d control everything I did. He judged me on being goofy with my daughter in public and criticize me constantly for how I say things or things that I liked. It drove me into a deep depression for years. I tried to change myself to please him, be what he wanted me to be but nothing worked.
4 years ago I met someone who really helped me. He always supported me and tried to help me get through my difficulties. He’s became my best friend. But when my husband found out he threw a fit. Once again telling me I’m not allowed to talk to him. After that I’d taking all I could and separated. Having to return due to losing my job.
I’ve fallen in love with my friend and he loves me too. God used me to bring him salvation. We read the Bible together and pray on the phone. I feel like God has brought us to each other. I must say also that we’ve never had sex and we’ve both agreed to wait till we’re married. I want to be with him and have a happy marriage built on Christ. Yet I’m so confused by scripture. Between Deuteronomy, Matthew and 1 Corinthians... I know it says what God has joined together let no man separate but I also know that all unions are joined by God. I appreciate help in this issue, I have prayed and searched scripture for the past year over this. Please help

You must return to your first husband. In Ezra 9, some people of Israel had taken foreign wives contry to the word of God. They were not allowed to stay with them, they had to repent, and leave them. In the same way the word of God is clear on leaving a husband, it is not permitted. You can not do it. It does not matter how attached you are to this new man, it is sin against your first husband and family.

 

[Jennybean]

You must return to your first husband. In Ezra 9, some people of Israel had taken foreign wives contry to the word of God. They were not allowed to stay with them, they had to repent, and leave them. In the same way the word of God is clear on leaving a husband, it is not permitted. You can not do it. It does not matter how attached you are to this new man, it is sin against your first husband and family.

I know that story but what you just said is controversial to yourself. God commanded Israel to leave their wives and families because they worshiped other gods making it an abomination to the Lord. Yet in Deuteronomy Moses gave command to give their wives a bill of divorcement, saying to not return to the previous wife because it would be an abomination to the Lord. YET in 1 Corinthians is says for a wive to return to her husband. This is where I have trouble. If a woman is being physically abused people argree that’s it’s ungodl and grounds for divorce yet if a woman is emotionally abused were told to stay?

 

[JCFantasy23]

If a woman is being physically abused people argree that’s it’s ungodl and grounds for divorce yet if a woman is emotionally abused were told to stay?

Most psychologists now know verbal and psychological abuse is as damaging as physical, and in some cases sexual for children. I went through abuse myself growing up from my mother's PTSD, so I never tell someone to stay with abuser like that because I know the kind of damage it does. Not everyone doesn't take this seriously, so please don't feel isolated or like people do not understand. Some people definitely do and it's not an easy spot you're in.

 

[Jennybean]

Most psychologists now know verbal and psychological abuse is as damaging as physical, and in some cases sexual for children. I went through abuse myself growing up from my mother's PTSD, so I never tell someone to stay with abuser like that because I know the kind of damage it does. Not everyone doesn't take this seriously, so please don't feel isolated or like people do not understand. Some people definitely do and it's not an easy spot you're in.

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had sure difficulties. Thank you for being thoughtful. You’re words of encouragement really helped me today. It’s nice to feel that someone else truly understands how I’m feeling. Bless you

 

[ValleyGal]

Jenny, it's one thing to understand the Bible from a cursory reading of an English Bible translated from ancient languages, but it's another thing altogether to understand the English Bible in the context of the languages, culture, political landscape, and era in which they were written. For a more detailed study of divorce and remarriage, visit www.divorcehope.com.

But I do have to say this. Please, look for ways to get away from your husband. Do this for your child as well as for yourself. Teach her that she does not need to rely on a man for her independence, nor does she have to tolerate any kind of abuse from anyone. There has to be resources in your community that will help a woman leave an abusive spouse, and help you get established as a single parent home. You can also seek help from your church. If you don't have one, find one. I believe we are meant to live in community largely in part for the social and spiritual investment.

Until you are divorced from your husband, cut off your relationship with the other man. He might seem like all your husband isn't at this point, but that's a problem because you will not be seeing clearly until your husband is out of your system. You need to figure out who you are without any man before you can have a healthier you to take into another committed relationship. After you've spent a couple of years on your own, then if this other man is still an option, then go for it, but don't jump from the pot into a potential frying pan. Think about your child, and do what is best for her. Figure out how the relationship will look with your current husband, you, your child... don't bring another man into that mix until a good routine is established and your current relationships are settled into a new type of relationship.

As you read your Bible and grow in your faith and knowledge after you separate from your current husband, you will learn biblical principles for Christian integrity and maturity. I would also suggest attending a faith-based discipleship / healing program such as Freedom Session.