Relationship at a crossroads

[Hediru]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or not, but since I have received good advice here before, this seems like the logical place. My beau and I have been together for almost 4 1/2 years. Emotionally, we are ready for the next step and want to become engaged soon with a wedding sometime next summer. Financially is another story. Steve and I met in college during his senior/my freshman year. We dated LDR while I finished school. During that time, he went through several jobs that for one reason or another didn't work out. He finally had a job for over a year - but it was as a restaurant greeter. After I graduated last year, I got a job as a education/youth minister at a UM church and moved out there. A few months later, Steve got an apartment down the street from mine so we could be closer together. He quickly found a job, albeit not a very great job (busboy), but there were promises of promotion. All was fine until at the end of his first month there he got a new manager who decided, literally, to fire EVERYONE on staff. This was right before Thanksgiving. He was unemployed from then into the New Year while he tried finding work just about anywhere. But there was a huge drawback. He cannot drive due to a peripheral vision problem that cannot be cured with glasses. Therefore, he is unemployable for most places in this area. Through the grace of God, he was finally hired at the end of February to work at a newly built restaurant in the area, rolling silverware. We were not to happy with the type of work, but his savings was running out, and he was going to have to move back in with his parents if we waited much longer, and the management did promise to cross train him after a couple of months into a greeter position like he'd had before he moved. There's only one problem. Every single greeter that they have is female, which is very sexist of them, and they refuse to cross train Steve into that position, making up lame excuses. Yet, they will hire brand new female greeters! So basically, he's now 5 years out of college with a BS in Marketing, and he's rolling silverware for minimum wage. He's depressed, though he won't admit it. He barely has enough money to live on, so how can he expect to support me as well? As a minister, its not like I'm exactly rolling in the dough either. If we get married, we will need more than just my salary to live on. We've prayed, prayed, and prayed about this. Steve's giving up. He is beginning to think that there is no future for him. I try to encourage him, but it is no use. I love him so much, and I truly only want what's best for him, even if that means losing him. Because at this point, he's exhausted all the job opportunities in this area and will probably have to move, and for the time being, I know that I'm where God wants me to be, and I can't go with him. But he doesn't even want to consider leaving, saying things like he only really needs me, which is sweet and all, but not good. I have considered breaking up with him, if only to release him, but the thought of that makes me sick because I love him so much, and as much as I want to help him, I don't want to let him go. If God wills it, I will. But for now, we both believe that God wants us to be together. I'm sorry that this is long and rambling, but does anyone have any advice? What do I tell him? Are we ever going to get married, or will staying in the relationship only postpone the agony of separation? I'm so confused and scared. And I know he is, too. Any advice?

 

[feesha]

Because at this point, he's exhausted all the job opportunities in this area and will probably have to move,

Ok, I would start here. someone will probably offer better advice but after reading your post I feel like the main problem is his current job status. It is keeping you from marrying and progressing.
There have to be more jobs in the area, and not busboy jobs, there have to be jobs in his field. He has a BS degree in Marketing.. there are plenty of jobs available
has he looked into education? (teaching)
has he looked into an internship that could get him a start?
does he have a network of people there that may be able to lead him to job openings?

If it is truly impossible for him to find a job that can support a family there.. then maybe the only option is moving to where he can have that opprtunity? You mentioned that he has vision limitation that keeps him from driving, is there any other form of transportation that could open up his options? subways, taxis, bike riding?

After reading, my interpretation is that he needs that internal push, that drive that will get him going. He needs intrinsic motivation. It's awesome that you are there to lift him up but there also needs to be some substance and desire from within to advance.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I'm not sure what to tell you. A man does feel worthless if he feels that he does not succeed in his work or can't find work. That is a hard thing for a man; something most women never understand because that is just how it goes with men.

Unless he gets a job he will suffer through major pitfalls as a result and he will only continue to go downhill. Can you talk to the pastor at your church and see if they know of any options? That is the first place to start.

Whether or not you should get married, that is something to be prayed about. Right now marriage is not the priority here. The priority for him is to be thinking about is getting himself a job so that he can feel that he is successful first-that must come before the marriage.

 

[Hediru]

There have to be more jobs in the area, and not busboy jobs, there have to be jobs in his field. He has a BS degree in Marketing.. there are plenty of jobs available

That's the problem. There are not very many jobs available in this area. It's a depressed area. He has looked into Marketing jobs, but they have all turned him down because he doesn't drive. Public transportation is practically non-existent in this area.

has he looked into education? (teaching)

only as an assistant. he doesn't think he can lead.

has he looked into an internship that could get him a start?

He's tried that, too. But since he's no longer a college student, no one will take him.

does he have a network of people there that may be able to lead him to job openings?

One. Thank God for my assistant youth leader and his wife/the church secretary Jim and Debbie. They are our cheerleaders and have been drumming up interviews left and right. But nothing is working out.

Thanks for your kind words and help. Just pray that something will come up. Even if he has to move. I'm willing to let him go in order to get established. But I'm still holding out hope that he won't have to go. But that's looking less likely everyday.

And thanks Starling for your words, too. We've already met with the pastor, and are literally using every resource available. Nothing is working. We've been praying everyday. I just wish something, anything, would happen soon.

 

[bliz]

I know that this is not what you what you are asking about, but I cannot help but see a big red flag.

There is a problem that this guy with a BS in Marketing is rolling silverware and hoping for a job as a greeter. I can't begin to now what it is, but something is not right. Employment for recent colege grads is very good right now - better than it has been in years. If living near you is making a better job impossible, he needs to move.

If you are content with a guy who is chronically underemployed or unemployed, you've found him. Some people are done in by life's circumstances and others rise above them. This guy is barely treading water and there is no reason to think things will change.

Proceed with great caution.

 

[Hediru]

I know that this is not what you what you are asking about, but I cannot help but see a big red flag.

There is a problem that this guy with a BS in Marketing is rolling silverware and hoping for a job as a greeter. I can't begin to now what it is, but something is not right. Employment for recent colege grads is very good right now - better than it has been in years. If living near you is making a better job impossible, he needs to move.

If you are content with a guy who is chronically underemployed or unemployed, you've found him. Some people are done in by life's circumstances and others rise above them. This guy is barely treading water and there is no reason to think things will change.

Proceed with great caution.

I know and agree with everything you're saying. He will probably have to move, which will be the end of us. But is there anything wrong with holding out hope until the very end? He can still get through this! But maybe I'm deluding myself. I'm just sick of this limbo. I'm sick of the pain. But I don't want to give up on him! Not just yet. He has potential. He just won't see it.

 

[feesha]

just a thought: what if he is satisfied at his current job? would you still want to marry him?

Emotionally, we are ready for the next step and want to become engaged soon with a wedding sometime next summer. Financially is another story.

i think it can work. if you can support yourself financially then he would be added income.

 

[bliz]

I know and agree with everything you're saying. He will probably have to move, which will be the end of us. But is there anything wrong with holding out hope until the very end? He can still get through this! But maybe I'm deluding myself. I'm just sick of this limbo. I'm sick of the pain. But I don't want to give up on him! Not just yet. He has potential. He just won't see it.

Moving out of town to get a job does not automnatically doom a relationship. It will if the two of you remain seperated forever, but that does not have to happen unless you choose for it to happen.

My daughter and her boyfriend have maintained a relationship for 3 years now, and most of the time they are 1500 miles apart.

Help him start looking for a new and better job where there are more job offerings. I worry however, that they may have been a few too many excuses as to why he has not been successful at getting a restaurant job...

 

[Alenci]

I have no advice to offer, but I am praying for your situation.