Relationship Anxiety

[anewday]

Does anybody else go through this? I've been like this off and on since we started dating several months ago. Sometimes I feel a peace I haven't felt in a long time when I'm around him, but the anxiety has gotten so bad I've almost broken up with him over it . I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do. I have a history of anxiety and depression. I've also had a history of ending most of my relationships, either because of anxiety or it stopped "feeling" right. The last time I did this I deeply regretted it. My boyfriend knows about my issues and is being supportive, and has told me to fight off these anxious thoughts. He's also the first guy I've dated that is supportive of me and my issues. I did admit to him that I have this intense fear about getting close to someone. I don't want to end this, but I'm not sure what else to do. I asked for some space, which he hates, but he is respecting that decision. Its funny, when I think of him just as a friend (we were friends first), the anxiety lessons and I don't feel all the pressure of a relationship. Ugh, please pray for me and him....

 

[dayhiker]

What is it about a committed relationship that brings up those anxiety feelings?

 

[anewday]

I'm not sure. Fear of being hurt? Which is silly since people will get hurt the closer they are. I think it stems from when my fiance broke up with me years ago because of my depression. I was already anxious about marrying him, but the reason we broke up left a deep wound...

 

[dayhiker]

silly or not its a very common fear, to be hurt.

 

[anewday]

Yeah, I'm just not sure how to overcome it without pushing him away

 

[dayhiker]

I'd say you aren't to likely to deal with the fear till you are in a relationship where that level of commitment is the next step. So you are there now.

I'm going to say when the feeling comes up to sit with that feeling and feel it. Learn the nuances of it. Can you get a feeling of exactly what about commitment is causing the anxiety feeling. A fear there will be a fight? A fear of sexuality/sexuality? A fear that you will make a commitment and then will leave?

Once you know the exact fear, then thing back to when the fear 1st came to you, when you first felt it. What about that situation caused that fear? Then as you think about that situation today, do you have more information so that you can judge that situation differently? Can you have compassion now for that person you couldn't have then? See if you can shift in some way how you look at that situation/event in your past.

Then return to this situation today and see if you can feel a difference in how it feels now.

I hope that can help.

 

[anewday]

I've been trying to do that and it helps, thank you . Now I'm trying to find a way to get rid of this anxiety once and for all. I think I fear a true, serious commitment. I'm good at pushing people away and now that I'm not, not sure what to do with myself. Trying to enjoy being in the relationship without freaking out about it, in general...

 

[dayhiker]

Too bad I don't know a list of things to try!

I really like that you have talked with him about this. That is a very vulnerable thing to do. Its really good communication. Maybe brain storm with him when you feel that anxiety and fear show up. Feel anxiety so we are going to go for a walk/run. Talk it thru. Is there a specific situation were this intimacy and anxiety show up? Experiment around the times where the anxiety is felt and collect data about those times to see if you feel a way to move thru it to the other side.

 

[Am80]

I am exactly like this! I've been dating a guy for close to 3 months now, and we've been acquaintances for about 9 years. I've always felt so comfortable around him, until we were in a relationship. I was in a car accident two years ago that because of I have developed anxiety attacks that are bleeding into other parts of my life. I've wanted this opportunity with him for years, and I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

[dayhiker]

I am exactly like this! I've been dating a guy for close to 3 months now, and we've been acquaintances for about 9 years. I've always felt so comfortable around him, until we were in a relationship. I was in a car accident two years ago that because of I have developed anxiety attacks that are bleeding into other parts of my life. I've wanted this opportunity with him for years, and I feel like I'm going crazy.

Am80 -- I've read about how the adrenaline from an accident can lead to this type of things. usually when we have that rush of adrenaline we are in a fight, flight, or freeze situation. Accidents often have us strapped to a board in an ambulance and the natural way our body deals with that adrenaline isn't allowed to happen. Shaking being a common one. If we have someone to comfort us as the adrenaline burns off we come out normal. If the adrenaline isn't burned off in a healthy way of running, fighting and getting to safety then the trauma of the event can settle into our bodies.
If you do some reading online about somatic therapy you might find some heal, there are therapists that have training in this exact thing.

 

[Am80]

Th

Am80 -- I've read about how the adrenaline from an accident can lead to this type of things. usually when we have that rush of adrenaline we are in a fight, flight, or freeze situation. Accidents often have us strapped to a board in an ambulance and the natural way our body deals with that adrenaline isn't allowed to happen. Shaking being a common one. If we have someone to comfort us as the adrenaline burns off we come out normal. If the adrenaline isn't burned off in a healthy way of running, fighting and getting to safety then the trauma of the event can settle into our bodies.
If you do some reading online about somatic therapy you might find some heal, there are therapists that have training in this exact thing.

Thank you for your advice! I'll definitely look into it. It's so difficult to explain because most of the time if you feel anxiety about something, there's a reason why you shouldn't be doing it, but if I only did comfortable things, I wouldn't have a job or drive, and I'd pretty much just stay in my room eating chocolate for the rest of my life. Ha!

 

[dayhiker]

That might be a little too much chocolate! lol ... so I'd enjoy that as well.