relationship after rape...warning long

[svl3p]

I talked a bit about this in a thread in the young adults forum...but i think now it needs to be here... I started going out with a guy...and i really like him...we have fun together...we have a lot of the same interests/disinterests....i feel comfortable and happy being around him...but today things got a bit...uncomfortable for me... ** some background....i was raped just under 18 months ago by a guy i met in a bar..i'd never met him before that day...i've forgiven myself and the guy (never really had a problem forgiving the guy cause i always blamed myself) i've never had any counseling (except for maybe 3 short talks with my pastor about it...but he stopped seeing me...and now has moved away) and none of my family or friends know ** anyways..this is the first guy i've ever dated...so either way, i'm clueless basically of 'how' to be in a relationship... today...he asked if he could kiss me...and i just couldn't...and told him not yet...but i felt so bad...because it's not because i don't like the guy...i do...i just..couldn't...it scared me... i kept thinking,afterwards, that i should tell him..that i should explain...even earlier in the day....the way he touched my side at one point scared me...even though he did nothing wrong...i don't know what to do..i'm scared to tell him...but i feel so bad not telling him...i thought that i was past this....but today...just thinking about it made me physically shake...any prayers...or advice...would be great...thanks...(especially for reading this long post if you've gotten this far)

 

[shazabella]

I talked a bit about this in a thread in the young adults forum...but i think now it needs to be here... I started going out with a guy...and i really like him...we have fun together...we have a lot of the same interests/disinterests....i feel comfortable and happy being around him...but today things got a bit...uncomfortable for me... ** some background....i was raped just under 18 months ago by a guy i met in a bar..i'd never met him before that day...i've forgiven myself and the guy (never really had a problem forgiving the guy cause i always blamed myself) i've never had any counseling (except for maybe 3 short talks with my pastor about it...but he stopped seeing me...and now has moved away) and none of my family or friends know ** anyways..this is the first guy i've ever dated...so either way, i'm clueless basically of 'how' to be in a relationship... today...he asked if he could kiss me...and i just couldn't...and told him not yet...but i felt so bad...because it's not because i don't like the guy...i do...i just..couldn't...it scared me... i kept thinking,afterwards, that i should tell him..that i should explain...even earlier in the day....the way he touched my side at one point scared me...even though he did nothing wrong...i don't know what to do..i'm scared to tell him...but i feel so bad not telling him...i thought that i was past this....but today...just thinking about it made me physically shake...any prayers...or advice...would be great...thanks...(especially for reading this long post if you've gotten this far)

Hey svlp,

I found that the thought of a relationship after my last rape was a very scary concept and something that i was totally scared of doing ... because it brings back all the what if's and also brings to the surface so much stuff you thought u'd dealt with especially memories ... you do get past that point and I have found that counselling really did help , not just with dealing with it but with redefining who you are as a person and repairing the damage done emotionally and psychologically.

It is scary i'm not going to deny that but have faith that you will get through it. If you want to talk about it please PM me. Talk to him about it - you need to 100% honest about what you want out of the relationship and i find that some of the physical stuff does stir up memories of my rape / abuse and its stuff that you both need to talk about - a relationship shouldn't just be about the physical and you will work through it if it was meant to work.

for you

- Shaz

 

[svl3p]

thx shazabella...

I'm seeing my boyfriend tomorrow afternoon....and I'm planning on telling him...please pray for courage for me...thanks

 

[UnitynLove]

I am praying for you.

 

[svl3p]

i chickened out...I'm a coward

 

[shazabella]

i chickened out...I'm a coward

Don't put pressure on yourself to tell him straight away ... its something that you will deal with when you are ready and comfortable to tell him.

- Shaz

 

[the_box_of_giggles]

You don't have to tell him all in one go. ,maybe it'd be more comfortable if you IMed it to him or told him over the phone, or e-mail?

 

[Mr.Cheese]

i chickened out...I'm a coward

You are no such thing. This is scary stuff to share with someone.

 

[svl3p]

You don't have to tell him all in one go. ,maybe it'd be more comfortable if you IMed it to him or told him over the phone, or e-mail?

I've actually been thinking of tellinghim over MSN...but deep down..I know that's not what I should do...I know i need to face my fears and be able to actually say it out loud in order to heal thatmuch more....I'm just really struggling with it...

I see him tomorrow....we're going for a picnic...should be quiet...hopefully I'll be able to at least tell him some of it then...

Thanks, guys

 

[svl3p]

Last Sunday I was finally able to tell my boyfriend about the cutting and rape...well, i had it written in a note...but i gave it to him..and he knows. and now i'm so glad he does...it ws so hard...the longest couple of minutes in my life while he read the note...i've been able to talk about the cutting all right...but i haven't been able to tell him about the rape...i mean, what exactly happened...all he knows is that it did happen...but he was great about it...he's fine about my scars...and he reassures me that none of it changes how he feels about me...and he's very understanding about the rape....doesn't pressure me into things, and asks if certain things make me uncomfortable..

thanks SOO much for all your prayers and advice and support!

 

[mebby02]

good job for telling him l'm happy for you girl it took a lot of courage and thoughts to tell him now you did thats awesome girl. I'm so happy for you l was raped also and it was hard for me as well.
Good job on telling him l told my boyfriend and l'm glad l did. Great job l couldn't be happier for you
God bless you sweety