Relationship advice

[thatgirl123]

Hi everyone,

Basically, my situation is that having become a Christian relatively recently, I have not yet had a Christian relationship. There is a guy right now who I like, (he's a fab Christian) and I think he feels the same way, but I'm not sure what to do. How long do people think that you should spend getting to know each other before you start going out? I have been praying about this situation for a while now, but I'm unsure when is the best time to act upon my feelings.

If anyone has any ideas, that would be awesome!

x

 

[Briseis]

Well it still depends on the people and how well they got to know each other. Even if you have know him for months, if you may have only talked to him a few times, or alot. I do not know. And it also depends on how old you are, which is not displayed. But for me, being in school, meaning I see pretty much everyone everyday, at the age of 21. I would say at least a month. But it depends on the person, you can adjust accordingly.

 

[thatgirl123]

I'm 22 actually, and I sort of see the guy three or four times a week. I feel like I've got to know him quite well, but we're both quite shy. I guess it's partly cos I move away again in about 5 months, although only an hour's drive away. I have been giving this up to God for a while, but at the same time, I don't want to miss out on something great just because I was too shy. It's tough! Thanks for your thoughts! x x x

 

[Alejandro]

First.. congrats and I'm glad that you've choosen to accept Jesus as your personal saviour.

As for a relationship.. when to know the right time.. well you just can't. Pray to God about this.. and tell Him exactly how you feel.. but what does He wants and expects from you. Everything will come naturally. And yes get to know the guy very well.. get feedback from others.. like what they think of him.. If both of you are shy.. then it will be hard to make the first step. But make sure it's not emotions.. actually building a friendship before a relationship is the best part.. imagine this.. as couple... you will be remembering all those special times you spent as friends.. how both of you hide or were to shy and it will be a really great time.

God will bring people to you so you can build and strenght your relationship with God.. never the other way. So if that friend is a blessing, and is helping you.. a motivation.. then God is more than willing to assist you on this

 

[Carri20]

The most important advice I can give you is that God made MAN the hunter/seeker/get-things-doner. Be available to let this guy get to know you, but let him make the first move. I guarantee it'll save you some heartache. (If he doesn't make a move, he ain't interested and chances are he'll be less interested if you make the first move. I don't care what his personality is or how shy he is, if he wants you he'll try to get you. If he doesn't he won't. Period.)

 

[Alejandro]

The most important advice I can give you is that God made MAN the hunter/seeker/get-things-doner. Be available to let this guy get to know you, but let him make the first move. I guarantee it'll save you some heartache. (If he doesn't make a move, he ain't interested and chances are he'll be less interested if you make the first move. I don't care what his personality is or how shy he is, if he wants you he'll try to get you. If he doesn't he won't. Period.)

please forgive me if this could sound rude.. but I don't agree with this to 100%

It is a wiser decision to seek what God has to say rather than the hunter/seeker/get-things-doner/player can do.
But of course this is just my personal opinion.

 

[charligirl]

It is a wiser decision to seek what God has to say rather than the hunter/seeker/get-things-doner/player can do.
But of course this is just my personal opinion.

I think Carri took that as a given, of course God is the one to say.. but after that, even if the OP thinks God is giving the green light, I think the advice is to wait for God to speak to the guy and let him do the pursuing not her.

 

[Alejandro]

I think Carri took that as a given, of course God is the one to say.. but after that, even if the OP thinks God is giving the green light, I think the advice is to wait for God to speak to the guy and let him do the pursuing not her.

In other words.. only the strong will survive!!

 

[superfly]

i agree with Alejandro. become friends first... only start going out with someone if you're ready to marry them... it sounds a bit harsh maybe, but it's better in the end.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Well it still depends on the people and how well they got to know each other. Even if you have know him for months, if you may have only talked to him a few times, or alot. I do not know. And it also depends on how old you are, which is not displayed. But for me, being in school, meaning I see pretty much everyone everyday, at the age of 21. I would say at least a month. But it depends on the person, you can adjust accordingly.

Yeah, I agree with this. It does depend on how long and how often you get to see each other. I knew my bf for a year and a half before we started dating, but I'm old fashioned and made him ask me out, so it maybe could have been sooner.

 

[Catholic Wife]

The most important advice I can give you is that God made MAN the hunter/seeker/get-things-doner. Be available to let this guy get to know you, but let him make the first move. I guarantee it'll save you some heartache. (If he doesn't make a move, he ain't interested and chances are he'll be less interested if you make the first move. I don't care what his personality is or how shy he is, if he wants you he'll try to get you. If he doesn't he won't. Period.)

I really have to disagree with this. Some men are just really shy and don't have that much experience with women and are really scared to make the first move. It's not that they aren't interested and don't like you, but they just don't have the confidence to do ask a woman out - especially if they haven't had much luck and/or experience with women. Sometimes the woman does have to take charge a little - give the man a push - to get the ball rolling.

Case in point, my fiance and me. He's a very shy and private person, while I'm very outgoing. He was interested in me and I in him, but he just didn't have the confidence to ask me (or any other woman) out. We had talked for over 6 months and he knew I would accept if he asked me out, but he was just too shy and hurt from past relationships to take the step to ask me out. If I had waited for him to make the first move, we probably wouldn't even be dating, let alone getting married. He's told me that he's happy that I asked him out first because it gave him the confidence to ask me out again afterwards. Like my mom always said, "If you want something, you have to go after it."

As for the OP, dating should lead to courting, which should lead to marriage. People should get to know each other for 3-6 months (depending on the individuals) before they decide to "going out". But, take into consideration that you are moving in 5 months, and this young man may not want a "long distance" relationship(even though it's not that far away). I think the fact that you don't seem to have peace about acting upon your feelings with this young man may mean it's not the right time. Relax! Take your time and cherish your friendship. Trust God and remember the He works on His time line, not ours.

 

[thatgirl123]

Hey everyone, thanks for your comments... It's really really helped. I think I feel much more at peace now, like I should just keep praying about it, and let God do his funky stuff. Also, just like take the pressure off of myself, and realise that God has everything under control. This has been so helpful, most of my friends know the guy, and I don't feel that comfortable talking to them about it, so your comments have been awesome. This is a great community!

x x x

 

[Carri20]

Hey, call me old-fashioned but I still believe there are much bigger differences between male and female than just what is obvious to the eye.

I really have to disagree with this. Some men are just really shy and don't have that much experience with women and are really scared to make the first move. It's not that they aren't interested and don't like you, but they just don't have the confidence to do ask a woman out - especially if they haven't had much luck and/or experience with women. Sometimes the woman does have to take charge a little - give the man a push - to get the ball rolling.

You don't even know what kind of ball you'd be rolling. Read the Bible. God's plan for husband and wife is spelled out in it. First of all the husband is to be the head of the wife, a strong leader and provider. If he's too afraid to ask a woman out in the first place, what makes you think he can step up and be a man in other areas of life? What makes you think he can lead a wife effectively with all that fear in his way? Second, the wife is to be submissive. She's not meant to take control in a man-woman relationship. If she can't even wait and trust her future husband (whoever he is) to initiate their relationship, how can she be expected to trust him and let him lead in other areas of life without interfering?

Here's a simpler way of putting it: A man's #1 need is to be respected. A woman's #1 need is to be loved and desired. When a woman has to ask a man out, his need for respect isn't met because she didn't let him initiate the relationship, and the woman's need to be loved and desired isn't met because he didn't desire her enough to overcome whatever shyness and fear he has to ask her out.

Oh and I'm not sure if you knew this, so I'll share it. In the garden of Eden it was Eve who initiated the eating of the forbidden fruit to Adam. She certainly got THAT ball rolling.. So when God punished her He said "your desire will be for your husband, and he shall rule over you". But do you know what that means? It means that in every man-woman relationship, the woman's desire will be to control or posess the man to some degree. (When translated, the word "desire" in the Bible often means "desire to control", especially in reference to Satan's desire for us, God's people. But it is also used in Genesis to describe the woman's punishment for manipulating the man.. She will forever desire him.) But nevertheless God says that the man will rule over her. So whenever a woman tries to turn things around, tries to push or nudge or otherwise MANIPULATE the man in her life (or the man she wants to have in her life), the outcome will never be good for her. Your best bet is to tame the urge to control. You will still experience some nagging desire to take charge, but it will be far better than acting impulsively and screwing things up.

 

[Alejandro]

Hey, call me old-fashioned but I still believe there are much bigger differences between male and female than just what is obvious to the eye.



You don't even know what kind of ball you'd be rolling. Read the Bible. God's plan for husband and wife is spelled out in it. First of all the husband is to be the head of the wife, a strong leader and provider. If he's too afraid to ask a woman out in the first place, what makes you think he can step up and be a man in other areas of life? What makes you think he can lead a wife effectively with all that fear in his way? Second, the wife is to be submissive. She's not meant to take control in a man-woman relationship. If she can't even wait and trust her future husband (whoever he is) to initiate their relationship, how can she be expected to trust him and let him lead in other areas of life without interfering?

Here's a simpler way of putting it: A man's #1 need is to be respected. A woman's #1 need is to be loved and desired. When a woman has to ask a man out, his need for respect isn't met because she didn't let him initiate the relationship, and the woman's need to be loved and desired isn't met because he didn't desire her enough to overcome whatever shyness and fear he has to ask her out.

Oh and I'm not sure if you knew this, so I'll share it. In the garden of Eden it was Eve who initiated the eating of the forbidden fruit to Adam. She certainly got THAT ball rolling.. So when God punished her He said "your desire will be for your husband, and he shall rule over you". But do you know what that means? It means that in every man-woman relationship, the woman's desire will be to control or posess the man to some degree. (When translated, the word "desire" in the Bible often means "desire to control", especially in reference to Satan's desire for us, God's people. But it is also used in Genesis to describe the woman's punishment for manipulating the man.. She will forever desire him.) But nevertheless God says that the man will rule over her. So whenever a woman tries to turn things around, tries to push or nudge or otherwise MANIPULATE the man in her life (or the man she wants to have in her life), the outcome will never be good for her. Your best bet is to tame the urge to control. You will still experience some nagging desire to take charge, but it will be far better than acting impulsively and screwing things up.

I think you got things upside down here. Asking a male out is not manipulating.. and before I continue.. let me tell you that I do respect your point of view and understand it. However, it is not up to us to set the rules here.. we are talking about asking out.. the leader/hunter thing comes later.

Remember Gedeon? Wasn't he hiding? Or Moises.. didn't he ran away? Jeremiah.. he thought he wasn't ready. A leader is not a DO everything type of guy. A leader is a servant. Authority is not steping in, authority is giving by God himself..

And remember that God uses the ones that we least expect.
Just keep that in your heart.

 

[chocolateloverjen]

i met my boyfriend at a christian festival. i met him on the saturday and the on the sunday we where going out. we are in a longdistant relationahip. i took a chance but i was praying to God for someone to help me in my journey in christianity- so i would say pray!