Relationship advice needed

[ansimpson]

Let's see if I can say this without getting wordy. I was in a dating relationship for 3 months with a man I was first friends with. We are both adults (he's 33, I'm 27, both Christian, both employed, I've never been married, he finalized a divorce 6 months ago, no children). It was very obvious from the beginning that there was a mutual attraction and we were both interested in each other. I admit we became serious faster than we should have (spending a great deal of time together, sometimes at the sacrifice of spending time with other friends or family). The last month of us dating, I could tell that he was beginning to pull away a bit. I decided to discuss this with him and he stated that he has feelings for me and cares about me, but admits he is afraid of getting serious and getting hurt again. I understand this, and having never been in a marriage and divorce before, cannot imagine how hard it must be to trust someone again. We decided at that point to try to take a step back and take a break-still remaining in communication but taking a step back from the dating part of the relationship. Recently, we have started seeing a little more of each other, and the other day, we shared a kiss (I wanted this, and I believe he did too, but I know it was not the right thing to do before we discussed the status of our relationship and the possibility of dating again). After the kiss, we both stated that we did need to reevaluate our situation. We discussed it some the other day and he stated that he was still confused and not sure if he was ready for a relationship. We agreed to take a few days and think and pray about it before coming to any decision. My question is am I just trying to hold onto something that will never happen? Part of me wants to say "Make up your mind dude! If you don't know by now, either you will never know, or you do know and are just trying to let me down easy." The other part of me admires the fact that he is trying and is taking time to think about this rather than make a rash decision. Am I letting this man have too much control over my life and emotions? Am I allowing him to dictate my happiness? Please, advice and guidance and prayers are much appreciated. I care a great deal for this man and desire a relationship with him and I know he at least cares for me in some way or he would have simply ended this a long time ago. I will be patient for a while, but I don't want to hold onto something that may never happen.

 

[cerette]

The troubles of heartache! I sure don't miss it. It can be very very painful. I would say that the best thing for you to do right now, is to give him some space: Let him contact you and suggest a time to meet, he knows how to get ahold of you if he wants to. Don't lose your dignity by trying to "manipulate" him into seeing you, or by demanding answers. At this stage, I wouldn't even say that you have a "right" to get any answers-him not contacting you would/should be answer enough.
Sorry if this sounds mean and harsh, that is not my intention, I just want to give you my honest opinion. I understand it's not easy to not contact him, or to try to not over analyze the situation, but I think that's what you should do. Go on with your daily life and if he gets in touch, then yayy, if not, then forget about him..
Good luck!
(6 months is not a very long time if you just ended a serious relationship, I don't blame the guy for maybe panicking a bit if he feels things have happened too fast with you..)

 

[Inkachu]

Let's see if I can say this without getting wordy. I was in a dating relationship for 3 months with a man I was first friends with. We are both adults (he's 33, I'm 27, both Christian, both employed, I've never been married, he finalized a divorce 6 months ago, no children). It was very obvious from the beginning that there was a mutual attraction and we were both interested in each other. I admit we became serious faster than we should have (spending a great deal of time together, sometimes at the sacrifice of spending time with other friends or family). The last month of us dating, I could tell that he was beginning to pull away a bit. I decided to discuss this with him and he stated that he has feelings for me and cares about me, but admits he is afraid of getting serious and getting hurt again. I understand this, and having never been in a marriage and divorce before, cannot imagine how hard it must be to trust someone again. We decided at that point to try to take a step back and take a break-still remaining in communication but taking a step back from the dating part of the relationship. Recently, we have started seeing a little more of each other, and the other day, we shared a kiss (I wanted this, and I believe he did too, but I know it was not the right thing to do before we discussed the status of our relationship and the possibility of dating again). After the kiss, we both stated that we did need to reevaluate our situation. We discussed it some the other day and he stated that he was still confused and not sure if he was ready for a relationship. We agreed to take a few days and think and pray about it before coming to any decision. My question is am I just trying to hold onto something that will never happen? Part of me wants to say "Make up your mind dude! If you don't know by now, either you will never know, or you do know and are just trying to let me down easy." The other part of me admires the fact that he is trying and is taking time to think about this rather than make a rash decision. Am I letting this man have too much control over my life and emotions? Am I allowing him to dictate my happiness? Please, advice and guidance and prayers are much appreciated. I care a great deal for this man and desire a relationship with him and I know he at least cares for me in some way or he would have simply ended this a long time ago. I will be patient for a while, but I don't want to hold onto something that may never happen.

Assuming that he is being 100% honest with you, and he's really trying to heal from his divorce and do what's right, then you've got a keeper, if you ask me. Very few men are able to simply be alone and single and work on themselves, especially after a previous marriage. Most of them want to jump back into a rebound ASAP because they just can't be alone.

You've only been dating for a few months. He's only been officially divorced for a few months. They say it takes about half the span of the marriage, to heal after a divorce (ie, if he was married for 10 years, he needs about 5 to fully heal). A relationship that is good, solid, and right WILL stand the test of time, and not just fall apart. It sounds like you might have the beginnings of something real; don't grasp it too tightly or you might crush it! Relationships are super-fragile in their early stages!

I'd say just relax, chill out, remain friends, and let things take their course. I've found that when a relationship is "meant to be" (sorry to use a cliche' phrase, but it's all I can think of), it will have a life of its own, and will develop naturally and with ease, without either of you having to battle to keep it going. If this relationship just sort of falls apart on its own, then let it. It's a weird concept, but if you think of "the relationship" as an entity, and let it show you where it wants to go, it's a pretty good indicator of what you should do. If it feels natural, easy, and right, then embrace it. If it feels awkward, doubtful, or strained, then let it go.

Good luck!

 

[Kingsdotter]

I don't think he is ready for a commited relationship yet, he knows it, and he doesn't want to hurt you because he likes you, that's why he is holding back. You may need to give him time and be patient. Here's my advice, don't shut the door on exploring other relationships because of him. It may take him some time to decide when he is ready for commitment, and there is no assurance that you will be his choice. I will be praying for you, God bless.

 

[turkle]

I was on the opposite end of this...I was divorced after a 28 year marriage. My current husband was very sensitive to the fact that I needed time to heal, and though he was in love with me, he was a wonderful friend for many months. He told me how he felt but didn't pressure me. He was always there for me, but never, ever did anything inappropriate...he didn't touch me, didn't push me. After several months, I realized what an amazing man he was, and my feelings for him shifted when I was ready. He was overjoyed, and asked me to marry him within a few months.

The point is, he waited patiently for me out of his love for me. I cannot tell you how that swells my heart to this day. He valued my feelings enough to set his own aside, sacrificially and unselfishly. I would encourage you to do the same for your boyfriend. Give him the space he needs, but be there for him. If he is worth waiting for, then by all means, wait. My husband still tells me that he would have waited indefinitely for me and would have remained my friend if that was what I wanted. That makes me love him so much more!

 

[parsley]

Both of you are in cautious mode, which can make people more particular about what they want in life. Ten years ago you would have just kissed and basked in the moment. Now you have to analyze it bc you see where decisions have led you.

Good, bad, that's what happens with age and experience. You become more cautious and reserved.

It seems like a good and natural thing that after casual dating, you are both weighing what the involvement will turn into in the future. If you stay together too long, it will be harder to make other choices. He might have been wondering whether he ever wanted to be married again, or where he pictured himself in ten years. You might have too.

It's important to see that saying no is not rejection of you. He understands now that love, or what he wants, has consequences. What if he'd also wanted to live on a beach in Fiji, or have ten kids, or something else that doesn't coordinate with your goals? That would mean he steps back over realistic assessment, not over whether he likes you or not.

A kiss, no big deal. Pregnancy is. He might have been holding back his own impulses that could end up with "starting a family."

I'd say just relax, chill out, remain friends, and let things take their course.

I agree that you need this time to relax and enjoy life for a while before over-analyzing. It is good that you've had each others' support. But be willing to let go of plans if this is better left a well-timed friendship.

 

[Avniel]

My advice is don't be a rebound. Don't allow yourself to be the person he heals himself with to be with a person he shares himself with. I would cut contact, tell him if he waits 4 more months and is over his divorce to contact you. I think men should work for a woman not the other way around. I wish you the best and will pray for your situation.

 

[Autumnleaf]

You're giving him too much of you. You have to back off until you find a man who knows what he wants. If you are there for him and he doesn't have to live without you then he doesn't have to commit to you either.

 

[jjust19]

Communication is the key to every relationship.

 

[susyan]

Words of Christ regarding marrying divorced people:

Matthew 5:32
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

In case you haven't done so already, investigate the reason why your friend divorced in the first place. If his ex-wife never committed adultery against him during their marriage and he divorced her for other reasons other than adultery, and then if you marry him, God sees that as you committing adultery. This is a big NO in God's eyes.

Just do your homework to see if what you are doing is aligning with His word and instructions. No reply is needed, it's only my input for food for thought.