relating to relative with BPD

[janny108]

Can anyone suggest anything to relate to a family member with BPD?

 

[Ceston]

Its good to know that those with BPD are trying their best, its just an immense task to control the behaviors and emotions. Medications help to an extent, but as far as I'm concerned; Dbt all the way.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using CF

 

[janny108]

what is dbt?

 

[anonym00s]

Can anyone suggest anything to relate to a family member with BPD?

Yes, make sure to treat them like a normal human being who does things wrong, rather than a handicapped person who is helpless to change.

In my experience:

• You can't really trust anything they say. They may even be truthful factually, but sometimes I wonder if they are even aware they are coaxing/manipulating you. HOWEVER, do not accuse them lying unless you can back it up.
• They willl do almost anything to manipulate you to stick around. They will lie, pretend to agree with you, and even purposefully try to make you angry so you will give them some kind of attention.
• It seems they want to be a child and want you to be the parent, so they never really step up to the plate in terms of handling their relationship. For them, it is simply a matter of getting you to stick around them so you can take care of them (under their control and direction, of course). Since they probably lack any meaningful relationships, they feel justified in trying to force a relationship with you, whether you want it or not.
• You'd better be a strong person who stands up for yourself, because people with bpd ignore all boundaries and don't care how much they talk your ear off, take up your time, etc. They also use guilt manipulation so you'd better think on your feet to avoid falling for that.
• Frankly, a person with bpd is not your friend and you should not expect anything in return in any relationship with them. They may give a token amount of care for you, but nothing of any real substance. If you expect something in return from them (a good friend, confidant, etc.) then you just failed in helping them because you set yourself up to fall into their traps. I don't think people with bpd are out to hurt you per se, they just could care less about you as long as they get what they want.
• Medication and therapy may be a band-aid, but I personally have never seen any permanent, lasting results from it.
• Avoid calling someone with bpd "borderline" (maybe say they have borderline tendencies). If you do, you just put a label on them that borderline is who they are (and that implicity they cannot change).
• If someone with bpd tries to force you to be their friend against your will, reject it and let them know that you have a part in that decision and it is not all up to them
• It is better to be upfront and rejecting than "polite" and secretly aggravated. You need to be honest with yourself and honest with them. If you don't feel like talking at a particular time, tell them you just don't feel like talking. You are not being mean, you have a right to decide that (and someone with bpd will run all over you otherwise). If you stay "polite" when you are really angry at what they are doing, there will come a time when you get so fed up that you just disappear on them one day. If you do this, not only did you fail to help them, but you just helped make their bpd worse! It would have been better for you to get mad at them rightfully than pretend everything is OK and leave one day.
• Maybe you need to take a break from the relationship for a time and that is fine ( I had to do that once or twice). Just tell the bpd person upfront that you need a break. They may get hysterical when you do that and try to otherwise control you - ignore every bit of it and talk to that person again when YOU are ready for it.

Bpd people are impulsive and pushy, and I can imagine it is harder to be that way when your drugged up - however drugs are not the solution. There is also CBT: again, I can imagine it is harder to think paranoid thoughts and fear abandonment when your therapist is giving worksheets to do and making you think about XYZ instead. I suppose for some people that gives them enough of a window of not thinking crazy that they come to their senses. However, the person with bpd I knew went to CBT for years with little to no improvement. A person with BPD needs to understand the truth about the Lord and about themselves. Alot of what they do is in flagrant violation of the principles of the Bible, and there are usually few if any people to help them understand that.

Hope this helps.

 

[simonar]

Hi there

You can give your friend this adress,maybe she will feel better talking with somebody.I have BPD and feeling a lot better ,I can control my moods and depression

livewithborderline.com
(just put www in front,)
a beautiful day!