Rejecting it all

[Okano]

Ironically, I'd take the kind of job you were doing in a heartbeat these days. You can't really work your own kind of schedule in my job, servers always need attention and care and I am on-call 24/7. If something goes down, my phone quickly lets me know about it and then it's on me to fix it, wherever I am, 365 days a year. Maybe if you were self-employed as a callout engineer you could work your own schedule, but outside of that I don't really see it as anything different than "has thing gone wrong? If yes, fix immediately".

America is probably very different to the UK in this aspect but I can only talk from my own experience. IT is pretty Godless, tbh. I'm going to make a very sweeping statement here but as with everything, there are nice geeks and nice nerds out there. Remember you are very much dealing with geek and nerd culture in IT - there's a lot of atheism, a lot of agonistism here, and a lot of stock is put in science as a thing ABOVE any religious feeling.



Well, that's a good start. You have weekends off now which is partly what you wanted. A block of 2 days to rest is a very, VERY good thing in my opinion. Are you enjoying the work? What kind of work are they putting you to? In the short term if you're happier doing that kind of thing then you'll have both the security and time you need to pursue . I know someone who temped for well over 5 years before they got the job of their dreams. Being poor is okay, but it's different to being homeless. Believe me it doesn't sound odd at all - you're feeling so much pressure in life that you start to feel the unknown and even the dangerous is better than the toxic environment you feel you're in. But being homeless will be like moving from the frying pan into the fire.

Can you tell me why you think being homeless would be better, or is it literally just you don't care what happens to you anymore?



How do you want to be treated, if that's not too odd a question to ask. I had a lot of trouble with saying anything other than "I'm alright" when people asked me what was wrong for the longest time, because I didn't want to burden them with my baggage.

What would you do in the Middle East? What would you teach? What makes you say something like that? Is it an aspiration, a desire of yours? Would it make you feel happier in yourself and better armed in Christ? Think about all of these questions carefully - and on a day when you're not feeling down. It may even be the something you're looking for, but try and approach it with a clear head.

You obviously know the message and understand it so I don't really think there's much point in me saying anything along those lines but remember, if you are trying to put God first, even when life defines that you can't, don't let yourself stress about it too much. He understands, you know

I'm mildly curious; what have you done about your depression from a medical sense? Have you seen a doctor, shrink, taken any anti-depressants, etc etc? And how long has it been going on?

Don't feel like you have to answer anything if you're uncomfortable with me asking

When I was homeless before I was much closer to Christ. That is about the only positive to being homeless. And yes at this point I don't care anymore.

I wanted to be treated normal, but because my face is disfigured due to illness it's like everyone feels sorry or something. Illness and disfigurement was also the source of feeling sad, but there's nothing I can do about it.

In the Middle East I just want to go around to different villages, towns, and cities baptizing people. Even when I'm happy this is something that I want to do even more. I would teach the gospel, the fallacies of Islam, about things going on in the world and why they are happening.

What have I done in a medical sense? Well I first attended counseling in high school twice. It didn't help and my parents disapproved of it. I tried again one more time a year after high school. I was eventually ordered to attend rehab by the state for one year. I also was put in mental health treatment with a counselor who had a masters degree, but she didn't help me either. She kept insinuating that veterans were more important anyway and that my issues weren't that big of a deal. I've been on medications. Several make me sick and the side effects are bad. One made me think bad thoughts so I quit that one. So now I refuse medications. I also consider the origin of pharmaceuticals and their invention by Nazi Germany during WWII. Pharmaceuticals also can't be measured or seen at work in the brain, no one really knows how they work so how can they be trusted? Anyway I refuse medication of this nature. I'm done with the mental health system as well. It hasn't helped.

 

[Underflip540]

Do you feel Christ helped you get off the streets? If so, would you feel by going homeless again you're rejecting what He gave you?

Perhaps you can pursue the teaching idea as a missionary opportunity?

Yeah, I wasn't fond of counseling either, it made me more than a bit unhinged. Certain anti-depressants helped for a while but if you're not combatting the symptoms, they're not going to help forever, so I totally understand. Works for some, doesn't for others.

 

[Okano]

Do you feel Christ helped you get off the streets? If so, would you feel by going homeless again you're rejecting what He gave you?

Perhaps you can pursue the teaching idea as a missionary opportunity?

Yeah, I wasn't fond of counseling either, it made me more than a bit unhinged. Certain anti-depressants helped for a while but if you're not combatting the symptoms, they're not going to help forever, so I totally understand. Works for some, doesn't for others.

I don't know. I think so. I could feel the Holy Spirit whenever I was very sad. I hope that doesn't sound weird. I don't know if I would be rejecting it or not.

Missionary? You mean where someone goes to a country to "teach" but they have money and a home to go back to? It doesn't seem authentic to me though. If someone wants to teach I think they should deny themselves and give themselves wholly over to God and trust in him alone.

How do you manage? You seem very smart and balanced, yet you sound like you have dealt with similar things as well?

 

[Underflip540]

It doesn't sound weird at all. If you felt it, that's magnificent because He's not giving up on you!

I think that's certainly a conversation you should have with someone who has much more of a grounding and understanding of the Lord than I have. From my perspective though, I think it's good to feel guilty about what the Lord's given us - to ascertain if we deserve it, how we can at least attempt to pay it back and be the Christians we should be. The Lord knows it's tough and He knows we can't be perfect with it so from the primary ground, your faith is enough.

NOW - whilst it's that simple to Him, I know it's not that simple to us and we'll always feel guilty about it. The trick is to channel that in the right way. The money is one thing, but the safety of a home is another entirely. A base where you can come back, plan your next moves, even sit with the Lord quietly and contemplate and recharge. I think you would be an exceptionally rare and special person if you were able to manage it without that security - very few people could do that. Even the Saints had their bases. I know that won't help your guilt, but we don't have the same boundless power of the Lord himself. A gift to us would be that time to relax and contemplate.

Sometimes I think depressed people among the most smart and balanced. We see things in the cracks of life that other people can easily brush off. We fall harder from these experiences and learn more about ourselves. We look harder for salvation. Now that's quite a sweeping statement and I don't mean to imply any judgement on anyone else by it, but if we can emerge from the tunnel even briefly then we've got great power to help others. No one understand oppression - physical or mental - better than the oppressed themselves.

Believe me, everyday's a struggle although when I say that I feel like a fraud as I'm really quite lucky to have what I have in this world. I feel weak of willpower quite often and always have a struggle to block out the voices of giving in. I HAVE to be a "bury my head in the sand" kind of person for the protection of my sanity and my faith.

I've mentioned my past elsewhere but I was at the Olympics in London when three of my fellow countrymen won gold medals in the space of 90 minutes. Those people had sacrificed their entire lives in pursuit of being someone special. That triggered me to overcome the self-pity I was feeling and suck the marrow out of life. Does that mean I do things for the self? Yes. I'm not going to deny that. But I look at it as the Lord created this world and the beauty of nature for us to get out and enjoy, and I'm also now trying to do things for the Lord that I couldn't have done with such a cloud over my head.

In all honesty I don't know how else I could live life without living in fear, worry and horror anymore. I admire you for seeming so unrestricted and so absolute in your faith. It's a gift you need to channel in the right ways to get the most out of. I wish I had your qualities!

I've not been here for a while because I feel like I jumped in too quickly - trying to be TOO helpful, so I don't know how things progressed with you. How are you doing now?